Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off MIL for stealing?

362 replies

Beingthere · 06/01/2018 18:34

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingthere · 12/01/2018 13:30

ohfourfoxache I don't think DH sees it as normal, he seemed to have the measure of MIL even before I met him and that is why he was never close, but I think he is either embarrassed or just wants to push it all away.

I can talk to my family but they don't know MIL, only met her at the wedding. My sister has had the running saga of the cross stitch though and is Shock! Friends are few and far between at the moment because DS. Everything revolves round baby stuff right now and I don't know the new people I've met well enough.

Think I'll just write it all down. I could write a book!

OP posts:
Figrollsnotfatrolls · 12/01/2018 13:33

When we went nc with my mil we both had a final 'bitching session' then agreed never to mention her again. Been 3 years now.
Dh says he is happier than he has ever been.

Original poster
Beingthere · 12/01/2018 13:47

Figrollsnotfatrolls Right! I think we had our final bitching session the other night! Did they try to contact you at all? I'm worried they know where we live.

OP posts:
Figrollsnotfatrolls · 12/01/2018 15:10

She never did no. We actually uninvited her face to face (well dh did!!) from our wedding(July 2015) as she was under the impression she was coming( nc since Jan 15)Fil hand delivered a Christmas card in 2016
To ds (name) +family
From df (name!)
Never heard a peep since!!
Life is wonderful!!

ptumbi · 12/01/2018 15:12

I never understood, still don't, how DH could just ignore her because here was usually a price to pay. - it's because you are 'nice'.. And 'normal'!

Normal people think 'oh she's upset, what can we do to stop her crying/being sad? If I give in to this minor thing, X, she will be happy and everything will be lovely' And a normal person will be - not indebted, as such (I can't think of the word) but grateful to you for agreeing to give in. Or meeting halfway. or being nice.

Once you;ve been on the other side of it, you think 'oh MIL's crying; she's after something. She wants everyone to agree to this minor thing X, even though no-one wants it, and if we don't, it will be awful for ages. And if we do, it will not make things better, in fact it will be worse, because we don't get any thing back for being 'nice', we don't get any consideration or compromise by giving in.' Even on a 'minor' thing, that most people don't even think about - like you deciding the name for your own baby!

There is no half-way, and no 'brownie points' for being nice - not with people like MIL. There is just 'do as I say/want'. End of.

ptumbi · 12/01/2018 15:19

What I mean is - most people who do something for you, like appreciate your own views, or ask you to do something for them, well, you go up in their estimation.

People like MIL do not have an estimation of you. You are irrelevent to her and only there to make her look good, therefore you must do what she want you to do. Name your baby X? Of course you should. Come to hers every christmas? You do. End of. (You don't get a say! No-one does - for fear of the consequences)
Her image of herself as this Great Matriarch of a Loving Family can only be perpetuated by her children and GC, sisters, brothers, aunts etc all coming to hers, doing her bidding, doing all their business through her. And seen to be doing so.

ConfusedButInLove · 12/01/2018 21:23

We are NC with my PIL for good reason.
At first I found it hard not to want to bitch moan about them every second of the day. Its just giving them more power. They might not be there but they are still envolved in your day and causing stress.
Once I realise that, i started to treat them like they have died in an accident. ( As horrible as it sounds) I imagine it's too traumatic for DH to talk about it so we don't. It somehow made it easier to do.
They are now only brought up from DH.

Original poster
Beingthere · 13/01/2018 10:13

ConfusedButInLove That is helpful, thank you.

We have received two more "threats" from FIL (basically telling DH to "stop playing games" and that he HAS to reply to them). I don't think FIL realises that DH is a grown man who can choose who he speaks to. DH is ignoring (but not blocking their number which I think odd, but then it is his parents).

The day any of them threaten me is the day the police become involved.

I notice that MIL is keeping very quiet after starting all this. But then she'll be in the background pulling FIL's strings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingthere · 13/01/2018 10:19

ptumbi "Great Matriarch of a Loving Family" is what MIL thinks she is exactly. I looked at her facebook page (I unfriended her) and she has posted loads of family pictures and memes about family. It's like a big competition with her, you can behave a badly as you like but the one who has the most memes wins!

OP posts:
Weezol · 13/01/2018 14:22

I wouldn't worry about then turning up at your house
My dad's family all lived within a 10 mile radius of us and never did. Because that would have involved making an effort.

Jux · 13/01/2018 16:54

Inmy experience, to people like your MIL, everyone else is just a cardboard cut-out, assigned a role and that's it. For her, this is what a dil is like, therefore you are like that, whether you are or not. She has no interest/ability(?) to see you as an individual person whom she needs to get to know; no, you are dil and dils are like this and do this.

I think your dh probably saw quite early in his life what his own mum was like; maybe he spent a lot of time at a friend's house and saw what their mum was like or something. So he developed the ability to ignore her enough that he can not worry about refusing her demands. He's been a lucky one, but probably put quite a lot of work into it, too. Somewhere inside he's grieving for the mum he didn't have.

Original poster
Beingthere · 13/01/2018 20:16

Jux He did spend a lot of time at a relative's house, the ones that I am sad are not responding to us now (probably keeping out of it). They took DH under their wing a bit I think, maybe because DH's older brother is MIL's favourite and DH was a bit of an afterthought.

Weezol I hope you are right. They have turned up unannounced before but they were in the area for something else. I think they didn't tell us beforehand so we didn't have the chance to say we were busy. That was before DS though, I'm wondering whether they would turn up trying to see him.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 13/01/2018 20:47

If they do turn up you can always not answer the door. And call the police if they cause a disturbance

Jux · 13/01/2018 21:02

Or, you could be just on the point of going out if they knock, but very kindly give them 15 mins and "oh, if only you'd let us know we'd have got biscuits/lunch/scones. We'll get away with being a few minutes late...." and then usher them out the door.

SistersOfPercy · 13/01/2018 23:32

Always keep your coat by the door, if you're not expecting anyone put it on before you answer. "Gosh I was just headed to (insert appointment) sorry "

Original poster
Beingthere · 14/01/2018 10:12

Thanks everyone. I’m worried DS will grow up in a home where he thinks shutting the door on people is normal. Thank goodness we don’t live nearer.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 14/01/2018 10:42

It sounds as if your DH is coping with this as well as can be expected (as are you). Sending my best wishes.

rainbowstardrops · 14/01/2018 11:15

I have sat here Shock reading this. Your in-laws sound totally unhinged and I rather feel that you and your little family are well rid of them.
Absolutely disgusting behaviour to steal a personal present from a baby Angry

GeekyWombat · 14/01/2018 11:31

So glad you got the cross stitch and hope in time it feels less ‘tainted’.

You and your poor DH deserve better than your MIL and her flying monkeys, I hope it all calms down and the drama abates / she finds something else to focus on!

rothbury · 14/01/2018 11:40

I am many years NC with my NPD DM and she lives in the same road as me. She has never bothered to visit.

I am of no use to her now as I have boundaries and will challenge her. That is not what she wants/needs.

Your MIL might suddenly develop the Mystery Illness which can only be cured by you and DH being whipped back into line.

NC is the best thing I ever did and I am only sorry I didn't do it sooner.

Weezol · 14/01/2018 14:51

I think it's unlikely that your DS will think shutting the door on people is normal. I posted a few pages back about my dad having a chat with me when I was 8. I asked, he gave a brief age appropriate explanation and I didn't ask any more until I was in my late teens.

It didn't have much of an effect on me, in fact I had some counselling a few years ago, and one of the things that came up was that I learned to set better boundaries and stand up for myself more in close relationships!

I have only ever cut one person off. In hindsight I really can't believe I put up with their behaviour for so long. Now that I've got the hang of boundaries I can't imagine I'll ever need to go NC with anyone ever again.

Original poster
Beingthere · 15/01/2018 09:49

Weezol I can't believe I put up with the IL's behaviour for so long. I always felt uncomfortable around them because when we were out anywhere I would always be anxious they would cause trouble. They would complain in restaurants, pick fights with people. You never knew what mood FIL would be in and I didn't want to cause a scene because he threatens people.

MIL was more the sort to have a dig at me, snide little comments. Between them I was a wreck when they visited.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 15/01/2018 12:59

They sounds delightful OP Hmm - so NOT a good example to your dc!

And of course he is not going to grow up thinking it's normal to 'shut t he door in someone's face' - unless of course you do it regularly! You said they live a long way away, so any door-face-shutting incident will only occur seldom, at best (hopefully!)

I hope you find your lives a bit more peaceful now Grin

Original poster
Beingthere · 17/01/2018 16:40

ptumbi Thank you.

FIL still texting nasty messages to DH. We're making MIL ill, relatives are disgusted with us, they don't know what they have done and, here's the kicker, they bet DH doesn't know what they've done either.

In other words it's all MY fault.

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 17/01/2018 16:48

Your poor DH. Sad

How are you both? Hopefully this behaviour will just strengthen your resolve not to get sucked back in

So sorry you're going through this