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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

295 replies

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:25

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

OP posts:
Mrstumbletap · 06/01/2018 19:52

I know some people say I'm fine with my DH being crap at buying presents but personally I think it's just an excuse for people to accept their partner being thoughtless.

You love someone, you spend a lot of your life together yet when it comes to getting them a present you are clueless. I think that is crap, the 'i don't do presents' 'or you are too hard to buy for' is rubbish.

You should know your partners hobbies, know their favourite shops, know what perfume/aftershave they wear, what chocolate/alcohol is their favourite, what experience they would like. What they would find funny, what books/magazines they like etc etc.

If you can't think of anything for your partner and are happy for them to having nothing to open on their birthday or christmas I think that is a bit heartless.

MorrisZapp · 06/01/2018 20:09

Loving the 'some men are crap at buying presents' posts.

I used to be crap at changing nappies. Guess what, circumstances required that I fucking did it anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2018 20:15

It's funny how men are 'just crap' at so many things. Yet they get paid more, run most of the institutions and countries in the world, and you'd think not being able to perform basic tasks would get in the way of that...

Ellie56 · 06/01/2018 20:19

Some men may be crap at buying presents. But some men are just crap full stop. Unfortunately your so called 'D' P is one of them.

Mrstumbletap · 06/01/2018 20:26

Exactly 'he is great at other things though' code for other things as that do not require him to think about the woman he is supposed to love and cherish for the rest of his life.

He can mow the lawn though Hmm

StickThatInYourPipe · 06/01/2018 20:27

You’d be a grabby cow to buy that Tiffany Necklace with matching earrings you have always wanted OP Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2018 21:22

Oh hell. After your updates, Get. OUT! You're a fool to waste any more time on someone who doesn't value you and doesn't respect the things you care about, like Christmas. I'm a Disney-phile, I know my DH thinks it's 'silly' but he certainly respects my right to have my hobby and doesn't put me down because of it.

You aren't married, you have no children. I assume that your finances are separate. A joint lease should be the least of your worries. Get your contract and speak to your landlord. Especially if you live in an area in which there is a shortage of housing. If your LL feels that he'll be able to get a new tenant fairly quickly, he may be willing to let you break your lease or at least reduce the rest of the tenancy to the period it would take him to find and vet a new tenant, maybe 2-3 months? If you want out of your relationship, it'll be a lot better to be living 'broken up' for two or three more months than to be 'faking it' and putting up with his shit for however much longer you have on your lease!

KhalliWali · 06/01/2018 21:50

OP, sorry, can I take back what I said about men being crap at present-buying and it being no big deal? Your DP sounds like an arse, sorry.

You clearly deserve better.

NeilPetark · 06/01/2018 22:23

Oh OP why are you with him whyyyyyyyyy??

What makes him amazing, what does he do for you that’s loving and considerate, do you fancy him, think you could marry him and want to have children? Are you in love with him? Do you look forward to seeing him when you come home? Because if everything is only ‘ok’ what are you doing?

There is always a way out, a joint tenancy may not be easy but it’s not an excuse.

(I’ve been drinking wine so go with it.)

saladdays66 · 06/01/2018 22:30

Bloody hell. You’ve been together two years. it’s all downhill from here.

LTB.

He diesn’t care about making you happy. He won’t suddenly start caring. Just get out and make your life happier.

saladdays66 · 06/01/2018 22:31

Just seen your updates. He’s a complete selfish nob.

Bin him.

honeyroar · 06/01/2018 22:37

It almost sounds like he's only in the relationship for the tennancy too. It doesn't sound much like a loving relationship.

Hissy · 06/01/2018 23:39

Well now we know what your New Years resolution should be!!

He’s going to get much, much worse, you will only ever be miserable with him. Trust me

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 07/01/2018 13:33

Right. We've now had a row about this. I pointed out how his actions recently have been hurtful and dismissive and generally CBA. He just said 'is there anything else?' as though finishing off a difficult shopping list. I said frankly I'm getting to the point where I can't be arsed and he didn't really have a reply. He says he wants to make it work with me but in the next breath is having a go about the laundry. Apparently 'we' do it too often and are wasting electric/water - I said I didn't know who this 'we' was supposed to be as I do everything so if he wants less waste he could pull his finger out more.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/01/2018 13:37

You are flogging a dead horse here. Get out your tenancy agreement. Contact your LL tomorrow to see if he'll agree to finding another tenant for the duration of the tenancy. Tell your boyfriend you are done, finished, over. Because you are.

DriggleDraggle · 07/01/2018 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 07/01/2018 13:47

So he's lazy and a complete miser. He doesn't buy gifts because he's tight.

Please end this, hand in notice on the tenancy and if there's a spare room move into it. No more washing/shopping/cooking for him.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2018 13:52

So you have a discussion about feeling unvalued in your relationship and his thoughts turn to how you do the laundry? Shows you exactly what your value is to him, doesn't it?

You are a domestic convenience. Break that lease and leave.

Clutterbugsmum · 07/01/2018 14:21

I'd be saving energy by not doing any of his washing, cooking etc.

DPotter · 07/01/2018 14:25

So he's snide as well. Oooo not good.
Take a deep breath, dig out the tenancy, call the LL or agent and see what you can negotiate tomorrow. Put your feelers out for new accommodation for yourself and disengage - no more laundry for him - blood cheek

AnathemaPulsifer · 07/01/2018 14:29

Super. So he’s taking over the laundry then? Or doing his own in a different fucking house?

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 07/01/2018 14:50

It sounds small and stupid bt the thing that made me incandescent with rage during that talk was the 'we'. There is NO WE, I do it, and I know he doesn't see housework as 'real' work so he can come in after being at the office and moan and that's sacrosanct but if I moan about the never ending housework I get a sideways look and 'but you're just a part timer' as I'm 20 hours a week at my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 07/01/2018 14:51

I feel like noting I do will ever be 'right' and it's exhausting

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 07/01/2018 14:52

Why is it being grabby expecting your partner to be considerate?
He sounds like he absolutely cannot be bothered and I wonder what else he can't be bothered with in your lives.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2018 14:57

So what are you going to do, OP? You've laid it out for yourself here and you can see that he isn't going to give you what you need. Now you know that, you'll need to be the one to take your next move. What will it be?

A joint tenancy might be tricky, I don't know? But if you were advising somebody else you'd probably think of ways to extricate them from it. Do the same for you, then bide your time until your first opportunity to get out and start again on your own.

You can do this IF you want to. :)