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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can DP not be arsed or am I a grabby cow?

295 replies

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 06/01/2018 11:25

Let me preface this by saying my DP didn't get me anything for Christmas, even though we'd discussed what we were getting each other at the beginning of December and I got him something I put a lot of thought into. He came up with some wonderful excuses as to why he hadn't thought of me when I pointed out how much it had hurt my feelings. Anyway, we moved on. It's my birthday soon and he's told me to just get something I'd like and he'll give me the money back. AIBU to feel like he still can't be arsed? I feel like I'm being grabby but it isn't about the 'things' - it's about the consideration? We've been together for two years if that helps. He says I'm hard to buy for but he's always going on about how well he knows me so surely it can't be that much of a flipping mystery.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/01/2018 20:48

ThanksThanksThanksThanks you are a kind and generous person, you are not dumb for not realising he is the opposite.
You know now so you can make your plans to leave.

tiredvommachine · 07/01/2018 20:57

Hindsight is a wonderful thing OP.
You know now.
You deserve so much more Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/01/2018 20:58

It's all worth it for the lesson you have learned. Never again! That's how I look at some of the crappy relationships of my youth. Thanks to all of them for teaching me what I wasn't willing to put up with!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/01/2018 21:04

Ach you’re no mug.youre a lassie who gave it a go with a man who’s a wrong un
You couldn’t have known it’d turn out like this,you had hopes of it working
And fact you’ve got misgivings means you’re no mug.your hunch was right

Rainbowqueeen · 07/01/2018 21:27

Flowers Op. It hurts doesn't it, the awakening and realisation that you aren't in a loving relationship.

It sounds like you would be better off moving back closer to family. Could you stay with your mum for a bit ?

Sending you strength and wishing you all the best

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2018 21:37

Don't beat yourself up! As far as the move, etc, you did what you wanted to do based on what you thought you had with him. Now you don't want to do it anymore because you know the truth. Nothing to be ashamed or angry with yourself about at all! We live and learn.

So, end of March? If I were you and I didn't like where I lived, I'd be looking for a new job where I DID want to live, right now! Sounds as if you have support back home in your mum, so I'd start by getting my resume in order and go online for jobs there and making a trip asap to start 'papering' the town with applications. If you get a job before the 12 weeks is up, oh well. StbxP can afford the place you have on his own as he's taken care to let you know. And you don't need to let him know what you're doing in the meantime, it's no longer any of his business. Just start to silently move ahead. He can know once you've got that new job and a plan to move. Like the song says "Your future's so bright, you gotta wear shades!".

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 07/01/2018 22:23

Yes Rainbow it really hurts Sad

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2018 23:06

OP, Lipstick's post sums it up really. You weren't expecting this outcome from your thread. I suspect that you were hoping for validation (which you got) and solidarity (which you also got), along with some good ways of getting this man to start caring more for you - which we could not manage, much to your distress.

You know that what you've been told here is true and that's why you're sad because you're an honest woman who isn't going to lie to herself and kid herself on that this man will change. He won't. You know it and that's why you're sad.

It hurts now, of course it does. Allow yourself to feel sad because it is. It's going to hurt for a while because you care deeply but at some point soon you'll get to the stage where your new life will beckon you on and you'll feel a bit less sad every day.

Know that you have your family and friends rooting for you - and you have this place too. Thanks

Ellie56 · 07/01/2018 23:08

You are a kind and generous person and this arsehole has just taken advantage of it.

But you know things don't have to continue as they are. Stop doing things for him and stop paying out for stuff for him.

If it's still possible I would be taking his Christmas presents back too. The miserable tight git doesn't deserve them.

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 08/01/2018 09:39

This morning is my bday (I know this is outing but don't really care) he chucked me the gift i bought myself at me at midnight (to shut me up during a row) and has now huffed at me bc I've asked him to put the bins out so I'm not doing every goddamn thing around the house for one effing day.

I think I know what to give myself this year Sad

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/01/2018 09:46

Happy birthday OP Flowers sounds like this relationship has run its course. I’m sorry Sad

I hope you’ve planned something nice for yourself, get the girls round for some cake type of thing?

dorislessingscat · 08/01/2018 10:16

Happy birthday WineThanksCakeGin

You will be sad for a while but put your energy into planning your move and the rest of your life without him.

RandomMess · 08/01/2018 10:30

Sadhowever revenge will be sweet when you move out and he has to fund his own lifestyle!!!

Can you hand your notice in at work and move back in with your family??

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 08/01/2018 12:53

I am making moves in that direction today Random

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/01/2018 12:59

Good!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2018 13:11

The more I write out the more he just seems like a dick
Absolutely OP.
He's got it made hasn't he?
You know now though.
The scales have fallen from your eyes - thank goodness.
Get out as soon as you can and get back to friends and family.

ptumbi · 08/01/2018 13:17

Good Job OP ! The best birthday present to yourself Grin

It's my birthday too today Grin so I'm doubly rooting for you!

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 08/01/2018 13:48

I had an ex who was similar. I left, with the children, after staying for far too long. And now I have family who tell me they have never liked him, but were worried to say so in case it pushed me further into the relationship.

I left a few months ago, and I don't look back.

iliketoeat · 08/01/2018 14:10

I hope your birthday has been nice despite the Cockwank. Have you told your family of your plans?

I hope you manage to leave soon. We're all rooting for you. Tough tits to him.

You'll meet someone lovely and he'll be a lonely old buggar.

ThanksThanksThanksCakeCakeWineWine

DPotter · 08/01/2018 14:31

Happy Birthday to you and Ptumbi!

Arkangel · 08/01/2018 14:55

Happy birthday!!!

Can you book yourself into a spa for this weekend with his card?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2018 15:23

Happy birthday!

Get yourself a big, gift-wrapped box of single!

Original poster
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 08/01/2018 17:08

Well. It's over. I told him he'd made me feel like shit and I wasn't putting up with it anymore. Am packing up now. He is being quiet but is also clearly very sad, so now I feel guilty and confused :/

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/01/2018 17:23

Yes he's sad you were a good thing and he cared for you BUT he is still miserly and misogynistic!!!

NeilPetark · 08/01/2018 17:26

Don’t feel guilty, he had every chance to put some effort in to your relationship.