Do you judge men who've changed their name?

[MerryShitmas]

As in, upon marriage to their wives (or husbands I suppose!).
Dh changed his name upon marriage (to my last name) he had his own reasons for doing it but I wouldn't marry a man willing to do it anyway.
Aibu to wonder, Do you judge men that do this/think it's unreasonable? If so, why?

I absolutely believe you that it was not a nice name.

My point was that I suspect men have to embrace their "bad names" much more (and claim that they are "not really that bad" or "character building" or some other bravado) because they don't feel that they will ever have the option to change, whereas women know that they can change their name on getting married without anyone batting an eyelid.

*Poor dh, I couldn't do this to mine, but I love him and don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.

Are people who think like this lacking confidence or self esteem, to have to pretend they're single sad*

Does your dh lack confidence and self esteem, having to pretend he’s single?

Or has he changed his name and title so everyone knows he’s married? If not, why not?

If your dh introduces himself to someone, does he say “hi, i’m x name, I’m married”. No? Why should I use Mrs then which is saying just that.

I don’t pretend I’m single, in the same way a man doesn’t. How does a man inform people he’s married if he doesn’t change his name? Or isn’t it as important to a man that people know he’s married?

really

He tells people he's married if they ask, which they invariably do.
My point was not understanding why you wouldn't want people to know you were married, not that a woman or man should have to change their name.
Surely if you are married you are a Mrs, if you choose not to use this as your title you want to hide the fact tou are married.
Once again, I wouldn't want to do this to my dh.
I have enough self esteem and confidence to not think of myself as just a wife, the title Mrs is just my marital status, it has no bearing on me or my personality, i don't need to hide it.

I'd never have married someone who cared what title I used. Imagine! If not calling myself Mrs was going to 'do anything' to the man I married, that would've been a good indicator not to marry him. The only acceptable response in a man is to be unable to locate any fucks about such matters.

Meanwhile gillybeanz, do you think men who aren't agitating for a title to show that they're married (because there's nothing to stop them inventing one, after all) are trying to hide the fact that they're married? If not, why?

Because I live in the UK where it is the norm.

Nah, not really. The number of women not changing their name on marriage is now approaching a third. That's a significant enough minority that there's no longer really a norm, just an ever shrinking majority. And a third is enough that it would be weird for anyone's experience to be sufficiently narrow that they'd think it weird for married couples not to have the same name. One would have to assume anyone with that view moved in unusually narrow circles.

In answer to the OP, no I wouldn't judge. Name changing on marriage is an odd custom, something only quite recently added on to the ancient custom of marriage by a minority of the human population. A curiosity. But hate the game, not the player.

I would not judge someone for adopting their wife's name, or having both surnames.

I will judge someone who gives their child a silly name, or a strange spelling, as I think that opens their child up to stupid comments which can be harmful to them.

I will also refer to the editor of the Evening Standard by the name his parents gave him.

I've always been Ms Myname, I am genuinely mystified that some people might think I was 'pretending' to be single

My husband took my name and obviously all our kids therefore have my name. I wouldn’t want to demand it any more than I would want a man to expect me to take his. He wanted us all to have the same name so he took mine (I wasn’t going to change mine).

I wouldn't judge purely because I couldn't care less tbh.

Most of the women I know who didn't change their names on marriage did so because they are known by their maiden name in a professional capacity and they felt it might confuse too many people or jeopardise a reputation they had established - eg. patients might not make the link that Dr X has become Dr Y. Sometimes they are known by their maiden names "professionally" and their DH surname outside of that. More often they double barrel while their DH may or may not. It's not particularly a feminist statement, they just don't want to risk a professional identity within an organisation.

I don't really get why people are so bothered about what other people do with their names.

I've changed my first name once and my surname twice. The only one people judge is my choice to change to DH's surname.

As far as I'm aware the only time my brother has ever got grief for changing his name to his wife's name was from our other brother, who is a knob.

I wouldn't judge. I wouldn't know as I address people by the name they provide and don't bother asking if that has always been their name.

ExH offered to change his to mine when we married, he thought my name carried a kudos. It wasn't happening.

I've never met a man who has.

I know this I hypocritical but it is the truth. I don't know any men who have done this but if I did I would be very impressed and he would go way up in my estimation. Yet whenever I get one of those emails at work announcing the new name of a newly married woman, I get a flash of irritation and they go down very slightly in my estimation. I would never say anything as it has absolutely nothing to do with me but the irritation (albeit usually mild) is there nonetheless. I have no explanation for my irrational feeling but it has been the case for nearly 40 years. I married twice and kept my surname both times, which has simplified my life considerably, especially after my divorce.

My reason for keeping my name both times was mostly that I felt (and still feel) like my name is me and couldn't imagine having another name. I also loathe admin/paperwork and just couldn't be bothered to do it all.

Surely if you are married you are a Mrs, if you choose not to use this as your title you want to hide the fact tou are married.

WTF?! I didn't change my title or surname on marriage, because I don't need to change my identify to show I'm married - it's pretty obvious I'm married from the way I talk about and look at my DH. Funnily enough, I don't think he's "hiding" being married just cos he didn't change his title and surname either.

Positively here too.

Surely if you are married you are a Mrs, if you choose not to use this as your title you want to hide the fact tou are married.

Nope. Not hiding. It's not relevant in most circumstances and if any one did need to know, eg if they were thinking of asking me out, then they can see the chuffing big wedding ring I'm wearing and just not. Same as my husband wears. Or I could tell them if they asked.

You call yourself what you want to and I'll call myself what I want to.

(though actually I think it would be better to use the French/German way and call every woman over 18 Mrs. But Ms is what stuck, so we can all do as we like.)

I know someone who changed his surname to his wife’s on marriage ( personal reasons I forget why now) to be honest his wife’s was nicer too. Also know another couple who on marriage doubled their names, so both took on each other’s..

There's one man I know of that changed his name. He is married to an acquaintance of mine. She already had one child before she was with him and her child had her last name. When my acquaintance married her husband he changed his name to hers so they all had the same name. They have since had children together and all siblings have the same name. The only judgement I have of him is one of respect!

My now DH and I had a child before we were married and I disliked my surname, so my DC got my DH's surname as I was 99% sure we would get married in the future and I didn't want to keep my surname because I hated it!

Gillybeanz. It has nothing to do with self esteem.

It isn’t about hiding being married. It isn’t about hiding being single , either. It is about the conventions surrounding women’s titles and names doubling up as a flashing beacon to advertise their status, either way.

It is about the PRINCIPLE of women’s names / titles defining and broadcasting their status in a way that is irrelevant and, crucially, not done for men.

It is s principle of equality.

In saying ‘I wouldn’t do that to my husband ‘ you seem to be linking your name change to your husband’s self esteem. Why is it important for you to change your name to maintain his self esteem while his name remains the same...with no loss of self esteem to you?

When is it relevant that someone knows I’m married?

In what situation does it matter that it is known or not known if I’m married?

If it necessary to know, such as house purchase, insurance, or other legal issue, I will be asked if I am married, single or cohabiting.

But other than than i cannot think of any situation where someone would need to know that i am married.

I don’t care if someone is married, single or cohabiting. Not my business. Makes no impact on me. I doubt very much that your husbands self esteem is affected by me knowing you’re married to him.

How does your theory fit with women who retain Mrs husbands name post divorce? If you use mrs i could equally assume you are divorced, unless you tell me you aren’t. How does that affect your ex husbands self esteem?

Only reason my brothers haven't changed their names and I have is that they are all living in countries where the name a) is easily pronounceable b) doesn't mark you out as an alien. And the reason I chose to move to dh's country was because I thought it would further my career.

I would still bet that if your brothers moved to the country you live in and married a local, they would not change their name, even though it is difficult to pronounce and marks them out as alien.

Any "reasons" for women changing their name need to come with a big dose of "and it is socially encouraged that I do so".

I don't know, Trills: as I explained earlier, my uncle changed his in his early 20s, so perfectly possible. My mother was very much against the woman taking the man's name (and particularly in my case, as she saw it as loss of national identify); dh didn't care one way or another.

Anyway, as I explained above, I double-barrelled. I still use my old name in a professional context and when dealing with people back home. Dh's name is so I can make a complaint to the Gas Board without getting an answer with undertones of "bloody foreigners". That's the beauty of double-barrelling; it gives you choice.

My FIL never used his first name because he didn't like the social connotations: he used a different name wherever he could get away with it and would happily have changed officially if that had been possible.

I'm just playing the odds rather than making a specific comment on your family, obviously I don;t know them personally :)