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Original poster

Do you judge men who've changed their name?

230 replies

MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 08:59

As in, upon marriage to their wives (or husbands I suppose!).
Dh changed his name upon marriage (to my last name) he had his own reasons for doing it but I wouldn't marry a man willing to do it anyway.
Aibu to wonder, Do you judge men that do this/think it's unreasonable? If so, why?

OP posts:
goldengimbas · 05/01/2018 09:22

I changed my name to my husbands simply because I wanted us to have to same surname as our children. No other reason. I did keep my surname for work though as DH and I work in the same field and I wanted my own identy

peachgreen · 05/01/2018 09:23

I also knew a couple who tossed a coin on their wedding day ahead of their official 'announcement' - she won and did a jokey victory lap around the reception.

WeeBeasties · 05/01/2018 09:24

I would judge positively.
I do think it's odd for a married couple to have different surnames, and I don't like double barelled names (i grew up with one, due to my parents having different surnames. It was a pain).

When I got married we knew we wanted to have the same name, either my name, his name, or a new name. All were equally considered, which is how I think it should be.

Trills · 05/01/2018 09:26

I don't personally know any men who have changed their last name to that of their wife.

I'd be a little impressed, I think, at their willingness to go against the norms.

When women change their last name to that of their husband, I am slightly disappointed at their willingness to go along with a norm that implies they are chattel.

BishopBrennansArse · 05/01/2018 09:26

Meh.

DH did this when he married me. He wanted us all to have the same name and as we already had two boys with my name he changed as he was the minority.

Couldn't give a tiny rat's left one what people think of him.

SylviaTietjens · 05/01/2018 09:28

My dbil changed his surname when marrying my dsis. Dsis is an academic and has published a lot of things in her maiden name so she could really change her name professionally. Rather than double barrel if or anything he just changed his name so their kids can have the same surname as their parents. It makes perfect sense and it makes me think he’s a really decent guy. Not progressive or non- traditional or anything, just decent.

SuperBeagle · 05/01/2018 09:29

Wouldn't judge any more or less than I judge a woman.

DH and I married pre-children, but I kept my name, he kept his, and all of our children have my surname. That's just what works for us. Couldn't care less about what others choose to do.

Trills · 05/01/2018 09:29

The point at which I'll think nothing about it is the point at which it's equally common for men and women to change to the other's name.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 05/01/2018 09:30

No I don’t. I’d pick the nicest surname. I hated my maiden name and dh liked his, as did I, so it was an easy decision to change mine to his.

SylviaTietjens · 05/01/2018 09:31

I changed my surname to dh’s when I married. I really wasn’t too bothered but I knew it meant a lot to his parents so I did it. I wish I’d dig my heels in a bit now. Both our surnames are very boring and we could have renamed both of us. We could have an awesome surname now like Dangerfield, Penhaligon or Longshanks.

nocampinghere · 05/01/2018 09:32

i would think it unusual, yes, because it is unusual but i wouldn't judge them for it or think badly of them, i would just think there were reasons. (maybe a huge trust fund Grin)

i do know men who have double barrelled their surnames with their wives, but usually to something that sounds much cooler than their original name. Think Tom Smith becomes Tom Sanchez-Smith

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/01/2018 09:33

Wouldn't bother me either way and DH didn't care whether I changed mine or not. I did as I preferred his name to my common one and I like us all having the same name. I wouldn't have double barrelled as it didn't sound very natural and often one name gets dropped anyway. I had 4 brothers to carry on my very very common surname anyway.

I actually said to a male friend that he should change his name to his new wife's as she had a brilliant unusual name and his was a bit meh. He didn't though and she changed hers to his.

WizardOfToss · 05/01/2018 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheAntiBoop · 05/01/2018 09:33

A lot of judging about why people change their name! I think a lot more thought goes into it these days.

Dh has a unique surname - we know everyone else in the world with it! No way he was going to change his surname. My surname is more run of the mill and I don't feel I have a deep connection to it. Also wanted to have the same name as the kids so it made sense to have DHs name. If he had been a smith or jones I would have kept my surname though.

As for men who change their names - I know a few who have. Or double barrelled or done a new mixed name. One couple wanted to double barrel but legally he wasn't allowed to - I can't remember if that was in Switzerland or Germany though

HermionesRightHook · 05/01/2018 09:33

I would think good for him for not being cowed by toxic masculine norms.

But the only time it's ever personally affected me I confess I was annoyed. I spent ages learning to spell his long Scandinavian surname with a lot of consonants and unfamiliar letter combinations and the bastard got married and changed it. To Smith.

AmySueGina · 05/01/2018 09:34

I judge both men and women who change their name on marriage.

I think men who do this are being too "look at me, I'm a feminist". I find these kind of men are usually the most misogynistic.

I think women who do this are blindly accepting all of the patriarchal connotations of marriage and I don't respect women who can't/don't/won't dissect our taken-for-grant institutions.

nocampinghere · 05/01/2018 09:35

and the whole surname thing - it's just a name ffs i don't know why so many people get so hung up on it.
In the UK it is still the norm for the woman to change their name on marriage. I didn't, but that was unusual. I don't think women who do that are "chattel" or old fashioned, they are just following tradition / want one family surname.

Original poster
MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 09:36

FrostyThirties0
I would absolutely understand; I would still end the relationship though.
It's a deal breaker for me, as it is for others men and women alike. I'm not going to be debating this further...

Interesting responses.
My Dh has had a fair bit of judgement since doing it, but recognises it's a symptom of a much deeper problem (maiden names being seen as inferior or otherwise negative).

OP posts:
Fortheloveofscience · 05/01/2018 09:37

I’m having ongoing arguments with DP (stb DH) about this. He doesn’t want to change his name. I don’t want to change my name to his. I refuse to have kids unless they have the same surname as me. He says that me saying this ‘threatening him’. I would be happy for us both to double-barrel, and kids have the double-barreled surname, but he won’t do this.

We’re at a bit of a deadlock - he accepts my right to a decision on what I want my name to be (just as well Shock), but isn’t happy that I’m not willing to just change my name to his because it’s ‘traditional’.

So anyway - I’d judge a man willing to change his name favorably!

Trills · 05/01/2018 09:38

I actually said to a male friend that he should change his name to his new wife's as she had a brilliant unusual name and his was a bit meh. He didn't though and she changed hers to his.

Compare and contrast.

Dh has a unique surname - we know everyone else in the world with it! No way he was going to change his surname. My surname is more run of the mill and I don't feel I have a deep connection to it.

Statistically speaking, just as many men as women have shit surnames, or boring surnames, or surnames that remind them of a relative they hate.

And just as many women as men have interesting or unusual or cool or meaningful surnames.

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 09:41

This has made me realise I'm a bit hypocritical, because generally I don't understand why anyone would change their own name to show that they're in a relationship, but in fact I do think more positively of it when the man changes his name.

Occasionally it bothers DH that people assume we're not married because we have different names. I always say that he's welcome to change his name to mine, but he has decided he isn't keen!

PrimalLass · 05/01/2018 09:41

Several posters have said they must have "good" reasons for doing this. Any examples of a good reason?

My friend's husband changed his. I don't know the full story but I can imagine that a) his parents/family were not great and hers are, b) she had lost a significant member of her family, c) his name was one that is easily changeable to something insulting so he had to grow up with that.

I love that he did it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/01/2018 09:42

Dh and I double barrelled. Your views are just as misogynistic as a male, who expects a female to take on his name and will not debate otherwise. If I were male and you weren’t willing to compromise, I wouldn’t marry you either.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 05/01/2018 09:42

I think women who do this are blindly accepting all of the patriarchal connotations of marriage and I don't respect women who can't/don't/won't dissect our taken-for-grant institutions.

I’m sure I read in other cultures / religions (like in some forms of Islam), taking your husband’s name is not the done thing, as women are expected to keep their fathers’ names, (I think - that’s just from my googlings one day; so sorry if it’s incorrect and I’m very happy to be corrected by someone more knowledgeable).

So, I think the feminist argument above^^ isn’t watertight. Different if your mum didn’t change her name. But then you’re keeping her father’s I suppose. Tricky.

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 09:43

I’m having ongoing arguments with DP (stb DH) about this. He doesn’t want to change his name. I don’t want to change my name to his. I refuse to have kids unless they have the same surname as me. He says that me saying this ‘threatening him’. I would be happy for us both to double-barrel, and kids have the double-barreled surname, but he won’t do this.

Could you not double-barrel the kids without changing your own names? That seems the obvious solution if you're willing to consider double-barreled names.