Do you judge men who've changed their name?

[MerryShitmas]

As in, upon marriage to their wives (or husbands I suppose!).
Dh changed his name upon marriage (to my last name) he had his own reasons for doing it but I wouldn't marry a man willing to do it anyway.
Aibu to wonder, Do you judge men that do this/think it's unreasonable? If so, why?

DP has an awful surname (contains what is now seen as a rude word) and could lead to children being teased at school. I've discussed this and said that he can take my name or we can have different names, but I'm not prepared to take on his surname.

I don't think anyone should change their name as the name given to you at birth is part of your unique identity

Not only adoption either. Many people are obliged to change their names to stay safe, sadly.

Names are only labels. Many things matter much more.

WeeBeastie: over a third of my DC's class list was of hyphenated surnames.

It is more and more the norm.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Fri 05-Jan-18 09:22:12

"Several posters have said they must have "good" reasons for doing this.
Any examples of a good reason?"

I double-barrelled mine and use only my husband's in certain situations to avoid xenophobia/get better service

also because no British person is able to pronounce my maiden name

my mother and uncle took a new surname in their teens/twenties as it was very common; they wanted something more distinctive

am beginning to see their argument as dh got stopped in passport control the other day because the combination of his first name + surname was so common that the computer system couldn't handle it

our dd is going to have to change her (father's) surname if she wants to join Equity, but thinks mine would be a complete career killer, as totally impossible to pronounce, spell or remember, so is looking more deeply into the family tree

db was adopted and has his original first name as a middle name, but absolutely hates it: to him it's got nothing to do with the person he is now and he wouldn't take kindly to anybody else trying to tell him what makes up a vital part of his identity

Margaret - my argument is that it's asymmetrical. Yes, most of us carry names that have been passed down patrilineal chains of succession. But that inheritance is a slightly separate issue from the switch that occurs on marriage, which has historically been deeply one-sided, and has symbolised the lack of personhood and rights granted to a woman because of the notion of couverture. I do not believe that we can just ignore that history, partly because I think that we still live in an unequal society, with the legacy of women being treated as non-persons or as lesser individuals.

My own grandmother wasn't given the same education as her brother because it wasn't worth educating girls, since they just got married - with the implication being that the man would then do their thinking for them, and that being a non-working mother required no knowledge at all. Even though women had won some degree of recognition of their independence by the 1940s - the vote, for instance - I would argue that are echoes in those attitudes of the passage of women from father to husband, and of their lesser status than sons, both of which are symbolised by couverture and the taking of a man's name.

I know one couple who changed name to the man's mums maiden name as his dad is a dick and she didn't want their kids to have his name. Her dad is a bit of a dick too so she wasn't bothered about keeping her name. Fair enough and they have a lovely new name!

Another guy we know left his wife and kids for someone else, married her then changed HIS name to her ex husbands name so that they all had the same name as her kids, screw his kids. That I do find most odd.

My OH will likely be changing his name to mine, I have two children from previous relationship who I want to continue sharing a name with and I also don’t think it right to change it to his

whisky - your posts are really thoughtful and I agree with them - so I wonder if we're accidentally arguing at cross purposes? I was trying to counter the argument that keeping your own name is just as patriarchal as changing it because it's a man's name either way - and, unless I misread you, you agree with me on that?

Another guy we know left his wife and kids for someone else, married her then changed HIS name to her ex husbands name so that they all had the same name as her kids, screw his kids. That I do find most odd.

But women who marry someone else than the father of their children do this (take a new name, and so have a different name to their children from the former relationship) all the time, and no one seems to find it that weird?

@MargaretCavendish I don't disagree, out of the people I know who remarried many kept the same name as their kids even if it means keeping the ex's, some changed it when their kids were old enough to understand. But in my example he took the name of her ex husband who was technically nothing to do with him so yes I do find that weird.

I don't judge them but equally would never have stopped dating/not married my DH if he'd not agreed to take my surname - not that I'd ever want him too anyway. I happily took his name as I think its a actually rather romantic (and he has an equally nice surnanme to my maiden ).

It would be a deal breaker if he wouldn't have worn a ring though- a friends DP is refusing to wear a ring but trying to coerce her to take his name despite her strong feminist principles on this. To me, this guy is a complete tool, not a man who wouldn't take his wife's name.

margaret - I must have misread your posts! !! I had completely missed the context of the post before I replied! I think I we are arguing the same thing, in other words I'm agreeing with you that the "it's a man's name either way" argument entirely misses the point.

Me and my husband have agreed that we're both going to double barrel so we have both of our surnames - I want to take his but I don't want to lose my family name... and we've agreed that our children will then share the same surname too

I don't judge anyone but I don't see why just the woman should change her surname to take the husbands as though she is his property..

I changed my name to DH’s - my maiden name isn’t my ‘identity’ and my married name is lovely

"I don't think anyone should change their name as the name given to you at birth is part of your unique identity."

I would totally disagree with that statement because imo, you identity is what you make it.

Your "maiden name" can mean as little or as much as you want it to. Why should it define you - it's totally random. In most cases, it is your father's name and the men before him, whichever way you look at it. If you want to take a stance on this, why not insist on your mother's name from birth?

I was trying to counter the argument that keeping your own name is just as patriarchal as changing it because it's a man's name either way

Counter this argument all you like @margaret, but it wasn’t the argument I was making in the first place. Just so we’re clear.

"But in my example he took the name of her ex husband who was technically nothing to do with him so yes I do find that weird."

A situation caused by women giving their kids the father's name and taking his name. Once she has changed her name it is HER name. It doesn't have to be weird for another man to take it. Only if we see names as 'branding' people to a particular man.

Surely some one has to change their name, otherwise a couple would be mr his name and mrs her name

@Northernparent68 And what's wrong with that?

Where I am, people don't change their names anyway. It's impossible to change your legal name unless you have very compelling reasons and unless you can get a court to agree that those reasons are indeed compelling (and that would be, for instance, because you're the last of the name, or because your last name is Shitsinapot).

We just gain the right to use the spouse's last name during the marriage, but our legal names never change.

Tender beloved uses my name when he fancies it, I use his name wehn I fancy it and most of the time we simply use our own names.

But in my example he took the name of her ex husband who was technically nothing to do with him so yes I do find that weird."

Yes I agree that IS weird (and would be in any gender reversal or combination). Anything that originates from your partner's ex-in laws taking prominence in your new family would feel a bit uncomfortable to me.

A name from any one of the four parents in the generation above is normal and good and a form of inheritance.

Picking your own new name (individually or as a couple) feels fresh and and self-determining.

Naming yourself after your spouse's ex spouse? Not good.

I would judge - but then I also judge a woman taking her DH's name or couples going dble barrelled.

IMO all name changing is silly. Just stick with your name.

Unless you HATE your name and/or feel it needs to be changed some some important reason. (But then why not change it before and not use marriage as an excuse?)

Same with given names. Would you change your given name just cos you were getting married?

I know that it's traditional (in the UK) for women to change surname as (in past centuries) it was assumed that they would become the "property" (more recently more like "responsibility") of their DH. (Before marriage they would 'belong' to their DF ... or some related male if DF was deceased.) But now women are (more or less) equal to their partners and usually working, so no need?

And who says all children need to have same surname as BOTH parents? Why??

And who says all children need to have same surname as BOTH parents? Why?

Well I don’t think they have to at all. But, I think some people find it easier for travel etc if they have the same surnames on passports.

@RiceBurner for me personally it's a case of I want my family to be exactly that - my husband and I have surnames from polar opposite countries, so double barrelling for us means it's vvvv I likely anyone else will have that surname... so for us it's something different, and we want our family to be close knit and we've always wanted our children to share our surname.