Do you judge men who've changed their name?

[MerryShitmas]

As in, upon marriage to their wives (or husbands I suppose!).
Dh changed his name upon marriage (to my last name) he had his own reasons for doing it but I wouldn't marry a man willing to do it anyway.
Aibu to wonder, Do you judge men that do this/think it's unreasonable? If so, why?

A bigger issue is still that mothers details are not included on marriage certificates!

It looks like they're finally changing this! www.thetimes.co.uk/article/mothers-names-put-on-wedding-certificates-g70nk2j2n

I'm annoyed that I'm stuck with an old-style one without this. We had our mothers as witnesses so that at least all four names appeared on the certificate, but obviously this isn't the same (and doesn't work if you'd like a mother who is sadly no longer with you to be on the certificate).

@cakecakecheese - I've lived in Denmark for over a decade, and it's not so much the norm for a man to take his wife's name, more that there's no stigma attached either way so you get a nice mix (including people just keeping their own.)

If my gf and I get around to marriage she said she'd like mine because it sounds interesting (very few in the world,) but wouldn't because she wouldn't have a different name to her girls. I was a little surprised because she's fiercely independent and strong, but I guess there's so little pressure here either way that it doesn't feel like giving in to tradition or something.

She says she'd take it as an additional middle name instead. I thought about that a bit and would do the same with hers. Partly because I know her family would love it and they've been amazing to me, but if I'm honest also because it'll sound cool.

I would judge him to be a reasonable human being able to compromise. 😀

I wish more men did it, to counteract the huge numbers of women who do it. None of their choices affect me directly but my son thinks women automatically change their names on marriage because the three people he knows who married did it. I always say 'oh no of course women don't have to change their name' but that's going directly against his experience.

I don't think anyone should change their name as the name given to you at birth is part of your unique identity.

Surely it's about choice? Is it not ok for a woman to want to change it upon marriage? For what it's worth DH and I both changed names upon marriage. His father is an arse and the surname is very common. We both have a new one which has a family connection but feels like it belongs to us. To answer your AIBU no I wouldnt judge.

"maybe slightly better as women doing it seems a bit like they're trying to show how into 'traditional values ' they are."

I had an abusive childhood, I left home at 15.

When it came to the point of marrying my DP, I wanted it to be the New Start of a New Life and I was happy to change my name. I certainly didn't choose my Father and his name, but I did choose my DP.

I worked with families under SS and people would change their names, generally. It's situations like that were I've known men to take their Wife's Surname.

You don't know what's going in, or has gone on in someone's life, to the extent that you can make a judgement.

Erm, thanks whiskyowl but I know what coverture means! I wasn't objecting to the idea that the traditional of name-changing is patriarchal (it clearly is), or to the clear fact that men and women have not historically had equal rights, but to the idea that a woman keeping her own name, now, in 2018, is just as patriarchal as changing it, because then she's still marked as her father's property.

My DH changed his surname to mine when we married over 20 years ago. Back then we had to keep assuring people that, yes in fact, it was perfectly legal to do so! Although all these years later people don't tend to question the legality of it they do still seem depressingly shocked that a man would do such a thing. I really thought by now it would be a non-issue.

Don't know any man who has done this. Though I imagine there'd be a he'll of a lot of not understanding, shock or judgement about a man who does (under the thumb often mean the man isn't just thinking of his own desires doesn't it?)

I sometimes think what surname solution there could be (as in what traditionally the norm could be in a country where all is equal)

The obvious one is keep the one your born with - but then what of the children? Double barrel? Have father's? Have mother's?

Double barelling causes issue with the next generation as double barelling a double barrel doesn't work!!

Mother or father's name favours one side only.

Female children have mother's. Sons have father's? (But what of sons of single mothers where the father's fecked off or isn't know?!!)

When I've figured it out I can start work on creating my utopia (where I'll be suprime ruler - obviously)

Dh changed his surname to mine when we married, so no, I think it’s great. Whatever makes a couple happy and it’s no one else’s business

“I took DH's name because he is the last of his line. My maiden name is way cooler (culturally significant and just sounds good), and we agreed that if he had a brother or a cousin, we'd have gone with mine”

But not a female relative, clearly

My friend’s H went on about being the “last of his line”. His surname is Wells. It ain’t that special!

“Double barelling causes issue with the next generation as double barelling a double barrel doesn't work!! ”

Or alternatively the next generation has at least four names to choose from

I would silently judge, it doesn't sound like a very masculine thing to do yeah it takes real balls to erm keep your surname. That's how you tell the real men. They have the same name as one of their parents. Not like these girly blokes who might understand their partners wish or need to keep their name, or might have a rational conversation about which is better or who might be trying to escape abuse etc.
Yeah, lets hear it for the the real men who don't have to do endless name change paperwork

cakecakecheese, that is not correct regarding Denmark. I couldn't find any stats, but this recent column www.dagens.dk/livsstil/derfor-skal-maend-tage-kaerestens-efternavn-naar-de-bliver-gift says that it's time for husbands to start taking their wives' names, after the opposite has been the case for hundreds of years, showing that it is still a minority of men who change their name.

I do think however, that it is more common for women not to change their names upon marriage in Denmark than it is in the UK.

I do not judge men who change or couples who double-barrel. I do judge women who change their name to the husbands' a little though, if the only reason was that they wanted to follow tradition.

margaret - I think this comes down to attitudes about history. I think the past is important, and that we can never stand in a position that is history-less. Therefore, the echoes of past states of affairs or events are still with us today; they haunt the present and they inflect it with meaning. Others take a more "blank slate" view that there is a seminal divide between past and present that means that no history that is outside of living memory holds any significance. You appear from what you have said to be of the latter school, I am of the former. I would point to this being a traditional custom that still bears meanings from the past, you think it has been repurposed for a new age.

The more it goes, the less I want to change my name or have anyone change theirs. We are who we are. I love my name too.

No. I don't judge women who do it either. Or anyone who doesn't. It's up to them and I just don't care.

Judgement happens ALL THE TIME.

It doesn't mean thinking badly of someone.

It just means having an opinion on their choice.

EXACTLY Trills.

"Would you judge X?"

"Would I judge it as what?"

Inspirational? Shameful? Enlightened? Immoral? Feckless? Progressive?

What's the bloody question?

It's like some kind of weird MN code

I have a friend who is one of six, all with the same two parents. The girls have their mum’s surname. The boys all have different surnames. None has their dad’s surname. They are very much a “proper family”. The only people who can’t cope with it are insular types

I don't judge anyone for changing their surname on marriage.

I do judge snide, sarcastic people who slag off women for doing it though, by saying shit like 'WHY do women change their name, it's 2018 FGS' and similar inane comments.

I think it is weird when a married couple have different surnames, and I know several woman who kept their surname (to prove a point.)

And then they started getting sniffy because the kids had a different surname to them. (Then they ended up changing it to the husband's surname anyway!)

Madness.

(And usually a code for mindless disapproval TBF.)

It was the men at work who were rude about a male colleague changing his name. None of the women said anything. It was interesting

the idea that a woman keeping her own name, now, in 2018, is just as patriarchal as changing it, because then she's still marked as her father's property.

Well, that’s not at all what I said.

I said that the argument that women who take their husbands’ names are not worthy of respect, because they don’t give enough thought to combatting the patriarchy, (the post I was responding to), was “not watertight”.

I pointed out that in some cultures (only based on my googlings), the link is to the father’s name. You say you don’t consider your own name to be your father’s name, but clearly some people do make that link. I’ve known at least one person who changed their surname as a teenager, when they had a serious falling out with their father. They happened to change it to their mother’s names. But the point is, they felt that they didn’t want what they considered to be their father’s name.

I can tell this is an issue you feel very strongly about, but if you think I was criticising anyone’s choice to keep their name on marriage, then that’s certainly not what I meant. I merely disliked the assertion that a woman who makes a different choice, (to take her husband’s name on marriage), is not worthy of respect and I think (hope) I made a reasonable argument to illustrate that opinion.

whiskyowl I absolutely think the past shapes the present (for what it's worth I'm an academic who works on early modern literature - history is sort of my thing!), but I don't quite understand what you want women to do? If both changing names and not changing are steeped in historical patriarchy (and I agree they are, though I maintain that not changing is a far more feminist choice) then what's left? Everyone adopting entirely new surnames?