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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you judge men who've changed their name?

230 replies

MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 08:59

As in, upon marriage to their wives (or husbands I suppose!).
Dh changed his name upon marriage (to my last name) he had his own reasons for doing it but I wouldn't marry a man willing to do it anyway.
Aibu to wonder, Do you judge men that do this/think it's unreasonable? If so, why?

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 05/01/2018 13:09

i understand someone not wanting to change.
i understand someone wanting to change.
i dont understand anyone, male or female, wanting to impose their stance on the other in a loving relationship. dealbreaker????

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 13:16

Surely some one has to change their name, otherwise a couple would be mr his name and mrs her name

Well, we're Mr His Name and Ms (or Dr, depending on how I'm feeling) My Name, and the sky hasn't fallen in yet

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 13:18

Actually, northernpartner, are you my midwife? Because she couldn't grasp that it was possible for a married couple to have different names either.

ArcheryAnnie · 05/01/2018 13:29

I would judge, positively. I'd think well of a man who wanted to have the same family name as his partner, but didn't insist that family name was his.

Northernparent68 · 05/01/2018 14:00

The point I’m making Margaret and crazycatgirl is that surely you want people to know your married, why else bother getting married ?

Battleax · 05/01/2018 14:04

I just say "this is my husband, Reg". It's reasonably effective so far.

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 14:04

The point I’m making Margaret and crazycatgirl is that surely you want people to know your married, why else bother getting married?

Eh? People do know (some of them were even there!) - it's not a secret, and we both wear wedding rings, and refer to our husband/wife. But actually there are a lot of different reasons to get married - some of them very practical, some of them very personal - that aren't about public display at all.

Skarossinkplunger · 05/01/2018 14:08

I changed my name because I hated it and was sick of spelling it for people. Judge away!

crazycatgal · 05/01/2018 14:09

@Northernparent68 Most people get married because they love their partner, not to put on a show for other people.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 05/01/2018 14:11

Northern Why would I want anyone to know my marital status? I don't habitually tell people I'm married...or care if they know!

It's nothing to do with anyone else or what they think.

reddington · 05/01/2018 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Battleax · 05/01/2018 14:35

Even the trolls aren't like the old days

reallyanotherone · 05/01/2018 14:36

The point I’m making Margaret and crazycatgirl is that surely you want people to know your married, why else bother getting married ?

So the only real reason to getting married is so other people know you are married?

Fuck me. We really are still in the days of women’s status being judged by whether she can get a man up the aisle.

I don’t use mrs. I didn’t change my name. I don’t wear a wedding ring. The only way to tell if i am married, is to ask me.

Ime, that makes you one of two people- those that ask, and why is it any of your business? What difference is it to you if i am? And those that assume i am unmarried, and judge me for it. It horrifies my mother that people may think i am “unwed”, especially when i was pushing a pram. I think it horrifies her more that i am married and people don’t know, than my sister who is actually not married.

Like i said upthread. I like it this way. I find i am not defined by my marital status or motherhood.

I have never had an issue at an airport or anywhere else.

gillybeanz · 05/01/2018 18:09

Why would I want anyone to know my marital status? I don't habitually tell people I'm married...or care if they know!

Why wouldn't you want people to know? I find this so weird, why get married in the first place? Poor dh, I couldn't do this to mine, but I love him and don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.

Are people who think like this lacking confidence or self esteem, to have to pretend they're single

daisychain01 · 05/01/2018 18:20

DH said he'd be willing to change to my late DHs name in his memory. That's when I knew I had a keeper.

Trills · 05/01/2018 18:39

That blue face can bugger off

Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/01/2018 18:42

I was born with an awful surname I couldn't wait to get rid of and changed when I married. I would probably have changed it to my wife's if I was a man. My SIL changed her name to my birth surname and I think she's mad. Especially as she has a lovely surname which reflected her cultural background.

puddleduckmummy · 05/01/2018 18:42

My DH changed his name to my surname on marriage. His suggestion. Works for us. Wouldn't judge anyone who do or didn't change their names. I know people who amalgamated their surnames in marriage to create a new surname. You do you!

DivisionBelle · 05/01/2018 18:55

Gillybeanz, don’t fret, it isn’t about hiding being married. It isn’t about hiding being single , either. It is about the conventions surrounding women’s titles and names doubling up as a flashing beacon to advertise their status, either way.

It is about the PRINCIPLE of women’s names / titles defining and broadcasting their status in a way that is irrelevant and, crucially, not done for men.

It is s principle of equality.

Trills · 05/01/2018 18:58

I would probably have changed it to my wife's if I was a man. My SIL changed her name to my birth surname and I think she's mad.

So your brother didn't think that the name was bad enough to change, what a surprise.

marymoosmum · 05/01/2018 18:59

Both me and DH changed or names as we decided to go double barreled. We got judged at the bank though when changing named there as "men don't normally change their name."

DivisionBelle · 05/01/2018 18:59

“The point I’m making Margaret and crazycatgirl is that surely you want people to know your married, why else bother getting married ?”

Men seem to manage perfectly well without a code in their name denoting whether or not they are married.

Why are men not demanding an alternative to Mr, or change their names to signal MARRIED?

MsSquiz · 05/01/2018 19:00

I wouldn't judge anyone, Male or female for changing their surname; as there are so many reasons that could be behind it.

I changed my surname on marriage as I had my (absent) father's surname and have no connection to that side of the family at all. My mum remarried when I was 18 and took his surname as she didn't want to keep my dad's surname. (She had kept her married name, post divorce) so we had the same surname)

Stretchoutandwait · 05/01/2018 19:02

I didn’t change my name and I don’t use the Mrs title. It’s nothing to do with pretending to be single. I just don’t feel the need to broadcast my marital status to the world.

The DC have DH’s surname. They don’t seem to be troubled by having a different name to me and we have never had an issue whilst travelling.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/01/2018 19:07

So your brother didn't think that the name was bad enough to change, what a surprise.

It's the sort of surname people pick up on and call you by instead of your first name. It's a name that isn't that bad for a man to be called by, but not a woman. Everybody called me it and it was horrible. He's also extremely confident and doesn't get bothered by things while I am less so. But believe me it isn't nice.

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