Do you judge men who've changed their name?

[MerryShitmas]

As in, upon marriage to their wives (or husbands I suppose!).
Dh changed his name upon marriage (to my last name) he had his own reasons for doing it but I wouldn't marry a man willing to do it anyway.
Aibu to wonder, Do you judge men that do this/think it's unreasonable? If so, why?

“I think it is weird when a married couple have different surnames”

Why? It’s not globally the cultural norm

HerSymphonyAndSong what surnames did they give the boys? Family or random?

Is it true that men upon marriage need to change their name by deed poll, while women just show copies of marriage cert to get documents in their new name?

Surely it should be the same process for both?

It always amazes me how many men have nicer/more unusual/easier to spell surnames. I often wonder what these women’s brothers do on marriage? Or do you think their future brides all have even worse surnames?

Where are all these women getting these awful surnames?

HerSymphonyAndSong i was more thinking of what a tradtional set method might be like (that would be equal - so not tje tradtional British method of woman changes to man's name and any children get that).

Spain has a method but I can't think of it right now. What happens in Iceland?

DH and I said if we got married now we would pick a new name or amalgate our names and start again, not me automatically take his, although he was happy for me to keep my name I wanted us to all have he same name as the kids.

Now my MIL gets a bit stabby at the suggestion I would have done anything different than the dutiful DIL taking her sons name (that wasn’t her maiden name!)

SleepingStandingUp they were sort of random but “went with” their first names

then what's left? Everyone adopting entirely new surnames?

That, or choose your favour surname of the two or portmanteau / double barrell maybe. There are lots of options. Obviously everyone will have their opinion on which works best for them, but I just don’t see it as black and white; keep own name = feminist, change name to husband’s = supporting the patriarchy. It’s a bit more nuanced than that.

StripySocksAndDocs - that’s part of the problem though, you want a “rule” for something that is already a break away from tradition anyway, so why make one? Let people choose for themselves

HerSymphonyAndSong the gender split does hark back to ownership which is what i'd judge most

@stripy

Is Iceland where they do so-and-so’s-son or so-and-so’s-daughter?

SleepingStandingUp the girls’/mum’s surname is a female-specific one (like Brewster), but I can see your point

It's odd in the sense that it's unusual. I've never knowingly met a man who changed to his wife's name. But no, I certainly wouldn't judge him negatively.

I changed my name to my husband's, and although I look back and am rather regretful that I did so fairly thoughtlessly because of convention, I actually had no particular attachment to my maiden name and was happy to change to a surname that people rarely misspell. I don't know if dh would have considered changing to mine. His family probably wouldn't have liked it, but I doubt he'd have been that bothered.

When this comes up on MN, I do get a bit upset by the judging of women who change their surname on marriage. I fully understand the feminist argument behind it and I am very much a feminist myself but I still changed my name. I had suffered with my surname my whole life and my husband’s surname was the nicer one which I wanted my children to have. I wanted us all to have the same family name. My name was not the better choice.

Far more important to me than the symbolism of name changing is the reality of our married life - he meals plans, shops, cooks, cleans, gets up in the night with the children, changes nappies, potty trained, on and on and on. We have total equality and fairness; I may have changed my name but I am not chattel or subservient or anything else and the significance that is attached to this convention feels out of proportion. I get it on a societal level - men and women changing names equally is the ideal, but I out case if I’d had the nicer surname he would have changed his and we’d be heralded as progressive but as he happened to have the nicer name, we are condemned on here as backwards and partriarchal.

The women I know who didn’t change their name on marriage for feminist reasons, which they were very clear about at the time, have all given their children the father’s name. To me, that somewhat undermines the feminist principle behind their decision to keep their own name and I would be very angry if anyone who made that choice then judged me for mine.

OP - I think the response you are trying to provoke here, is that some people will admit that they secretly would judge a man changing his name as "unmasculine" etc.

Well the truth is, some people probably will think that, but you already know this anyway. It doesn't mean you have to care.

From my point of view, I don't think I know any men who have namechanged, though double-barrelling seems fairly common. So I would see it as more unusual than anything else. The point is it doesn't really matter what I think.

Women who change their names do so in the full-knowledge of what it represents historically. Yet they still choose to do it anyway. Why is this do you think?

I changed my name because I wanted to on a personal level and that was all there is to it. My maiden name was a common Spanish one, DH's name is not Spanish but also non-British, so you could say I gave up a cultural identity on some level as well. Not really, because our kids have name that are Spanish or work in Spanish. Surnames are not everything! I don't regret that I took DH's name because to us it felt like the right thing to do.

I changed my name on marriage and was happy to do so, dh wouldn't have changed to my name is it's hideous.
I don't think he'd have minded if I had asked him to change if my maiden name was good.

We wanted the same surname and chose the best sounding one of the two. Does it matter whose name you take, if you'd like to share one?

I wouldn't judge, I try not to be a judgemental person. If that's what he wants to do then it's his business and his choice.
Either party taking the others name, no one changing their name, double barrelling their names, choosing a new name together. It really doesn't matter. It's a matter of personal choice.
(Personally I'm a traditionalist and couldn't wait to take my husbands name, and for me not doing so was never an option. But again that's just me).

We thought about it, but it was two, alliterative, short names, and sounded hilarious, whereas me changing to his just sounded boring - we we both have our own names, and we have two kids, one has his, and one has mine.

I think it is weird when a married couple have different surnames

Why? It’s not globally the cultural norm

But it IS the cultural norm in the UK to have the same surname as your spouse - so it's pretty obvious why someone from the UK would find the opposite odd.

Personally I would hate to have a different name to dh and the dc.

Personally I would hate to have a different name to dh and the dc.

Why do you assume that having a different name to your DH would mean you have a different name to your DC?

Personally I would hate to have a different name to dh and the dc.

Personally, i like having a different name to dh and the dc.

I would not think negatively of anyone changing their name, or not changing it. I do think negatively of anyone who puts pressure on their spouse-to-be to change their name upon marriage.

I certainly wouldn't judge a man negatively for changing his name - I would see it as a positive thing, as whether by accident or design it picks at the more general (patriarchal) assumption.

"but lots of men were judgemental and said “under the thumb” nonsense behind his back" I would judge anyone coming out with that twattery VERY harshly.

And it shows, doesn't it, that (some) men DO see name changing as a status thing, and presumably by saying this they see women changing their names on marriage as (rightly) under the thumb of the husband for doing so.

*I think it is weird when a married couple have different surnames

Why? It’s not globally the cultural norm*

Because I live in the UK where it is the norm. I also grew uo with a double-barelled name because my parents weren't married, and in a blended family where we all had different names. We felt like a family unit but our collection of surnames was a constant reminder of a, frankly complicated situation.

As a kid I envied my friends whose family all had the same name, and that is what I have chosen to create for my family. I guess it's a sense of normality that I felt I missed out on as a kid, and I don't think that makes me less of a feminist.

"I don't think anyone should change their name as the name given to you at birth is part of your unique identity."

Except for those of us who are adopted, joystir59. I was adopted way back in the mists of time when it was the norm for adoptive parents to completely change their DC's 1st/2nd name/s as well as their surname.

When I was born I was : "birth 1st name, birth 2nd name, birth surname".

I'm thankful that my adoptive parents kept my 1st & 2nd names, so I'm now : "adoptive 1st name, birth 1st name, birth 2nd name, adoptive surname".

I lost my unique identity before I was 6 months old!