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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you judge men who've changed their name?

230 replies

MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 08:59

As in, upon marriage to their wives (or husbands I suppose!).
Dh changed his name upon marriage (to my last name) he had his own reasons for doing it but I wouldn't marry a man willing to do it anyway.
Aibu to wonder, Do you judge men that do this/think it's unreasonable? If so, why?

OP posts:

whiskyowl · 05/01/2018 10:03

I think it's a bit mad to think that your family is somehow closer if you all share a name. I suspect there's some snobbery in there against blended families. too.

Like kit I don't understand why anyone needs to name-change on marriage.

And the feminist argument does add up because the point is NOT about traditions of naming, which in British culture will almost all be patriarchal a few generations back. It's about the fact that a woman didn't have her own name because she was literally a chattel. She passed as a possession from her father to her husband, taking one man's name and then another and literally being absorbed into those male interests in political and financial terms. She had no right to vote or education, reduced rights to hold money or transact business in her own name, and was at an outrageous disadvantage under the divorce laws, which allowed men to divorce women far easier than women could divorce men. That is the tradition of taking your husband's name, that's what you are invoking.

I have a friend who wanted to lose her family name for very solid reasons of terrible abuse and betrayal. She made up her own name for her future, changing first name and surname and no-one but her very closest friends know her real name. I think that is the most empowered thing if you have a personal history that makes continuing with your own name painful in some way.

IfNot · 05/01/2018 10:03

No, bit I DO judge men who don't change their name when they are called Twatt or Hoare, and then end up with Mrs Twatt, or little Hoares. How arrogant would you have to be to let others take on a name like that?!

DryHeave · 05/01/2018 10:03

I know someone who did this as he married someone who already had DC and wanted the whole family to share a name. It’s unusual and as a result it causes no end of issues for him with official forms, immigration at airports etc when asked if he’s ever gone by another name. It’s always perceived as a dodgy/potentially criminal move on his part, which is a shame.

Trills · 05/01/2018 10:04

Judgement happens ALL THE TIME.

It doesn't mean thinking badly of someone.

It just means having an opinion on their choice.

I have opinions on so many things.

I judge people to some extent based on their choice of shoes.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 05/01/2018 10:06

Either my husband and I have his name and my name, or we have FIL's name and my dad's name. It is completely illogical to say that he has his name but I have my father's

Well, you could portmanteau or just pick a totally new name of you didn’t want to have either of your dad’s names?

And, tbf, you took this^ out of context. I was responding to a previous post about how women who took their husband’s names weren’t worthy of respect . Also, I was talking about other cultures where the done thing is^ that women have a link to their father through their name.

Sorry if you have a pet hate, but deciding to pick on me is a bit inappropriate considering my post .

Branleuse · 05/01/2018 10:08

I know about 3 blokes who've done it. Im quite impressed usually as it shows strength to go against social norms like that

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 10:11

Well, you could portmanteau or just pick a totally new name of you didn’t want to have either of your dad’s names?

I don't actually consider either of us to have our father's names - by the time we married we'd both had them for 28 years, we'd earned qualifications, built up professional reputations and identified ourselves by them - their our names.

And I'm sorry that you didn't like me picking you up on it, but saying that women 'keeping' their family name indicates their father's ownership without noting that men do exactly the same without anyone thinking it makes them their father's property is sexist.

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 10:12

Sorry, stray their/they're error there!

Naillig222 · 05/01/2018 10:12

Wouldn’t judge the name changing if he was happy to do it. It’s quite nice really. If he did it because his partner threatened to end the relationship if he didn’t, well that’s not as nice is it?

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/01/2018 10:14

I’m taking my fiancé last name because I have my exh last name and I want to remove any trace of him left!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2018 10:14

Each person has his pr own reason for taking or keeping names. My BIL took my sisters, I took my husbands. All active decisions. I find it weirder to demand someone takes your name and refuse to marry them if they don't

DasPepe · 05/01/2018 10:14

I know one person - they double barreled though.

In general I think it's great that we are slowly arriving at shoulder shrug reaction to this.
Surnames reflect family identity and also professional identity whereas in the past they reflected patriarchal ownership.
I'm glad people of both genders can change their name for whatever reason or that they can keep their name if they wish.

A bigger issue is still that mothers details are not included on marriage certificates!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 05/01/2018 10:14

I can't help but judge women who change their names. Not ones from abusive families...though why wait for marriage to do it?

Unless your second name is Arsebucket or something ridiculous, it's a stupid tradition with it's roots in a dark place.

LinoleumBlownapart · 05/01/2018 10:15

I wouldn't judge, why would I and judge what exactly? I changed my name because my maiden name was boring, DH's was nicer. In DH's culture women often don't change their names, children take one of the mother's names and one of the father's. So he found it odd that I chose to change mine.

LittleLionMansMummy · 05/01/2018 10:15

I wouldn't judge, just as I wouldn't judge a woman either for changing or not changing her name upon marriage. I didn't really think about it 9 years ago tbh and just took Dh's name as it wasn't that important to me. We were getting married and I hadn't even thought it was a realistic option not to change my name. Perhaps I'd think about it more now, I don't know. But no, I wouldn't judge anyone - it's a personal choice/ decision that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Original poster

MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 10:15

Naillig222...
yet another person thinking I threatened to end our relationship and he did it under duress. As I stated, he has his own very valid reasons to want to change his name, so it was convenient for him.
But I still wouldn't change mine, knowing the history behind my name and the events behind me getting it.

I also don't want to have a different name to my husband. Shoot me.
(But then I suppose all a bloke has to say is, it's tradition init )

OP posts:

whiskyowl · 05/01/2018 10:15

"And I'm sorry that you didn't like me picking you up on it, but saying that women 'keeping' their family name indicates their father's ownership without noting that men do exactly the same without anyone thinking it makes them their father's property is sexist."

No, it's different. The point is that the man "covered" the woman's interests ("couverture") - the reason women couldn't vote or hold office was because it was assumed that her interests and opinions would, of necessity, be covered by those of her husband (and, as a weak and feeble-minded person, she needed guidance). So a man continuing the patrilineal line is never excluded from personhood and rights, whereas the woman moves from being "covered" by her father to being "covered" by her husband.

whiskyowl · 05/01/2018 10:16

More info here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coverture

Capelin · 05/01/2018 10:16

I don’t know a single man who has changed their name

I would totally respect them for it though.

DasPepe · 05/01/2018 10:17

Btw just to add. I took my husbands name as my surname was StepSurname and I was planning to change it anyway by deed poll. But I met my husband before I could find a new suitable name for myself (I wanted a new name not previous family name)

astoundedgoat · 05/01/2018 10:17

We double barrelled. I know a few couples who have done this, and some couples who have taken her name. I judge them positively for this.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 05/01/2018 10:17

And I'm sorry that you didn't like me picking you up on it

No problem! I appreciate your apology .

CanadaMoose91 · 05/01/2018 10:18

I took DH's name because he is the last of his line. My maiden name is way cooler (culturally significant and just sounds good), and we agreed that if he had a brother or a cousin, we'd have gone with mine.

Llangollen · 05/01/2018 10:20

I don't know anyone who has done that, at least 90% of the women around me have changed theirs.
I would silently judge, it doesn't sound like a very masculine thing to do. As long as it's not my DH, I don't really care frankly

Viviennemary · 05/01/2018 10:20

I've only come across one person who did this and I didn't know them personally. But person who told me said he does what she says. So I thought what a wimp.

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