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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you judge men who've changed their name?

230 replies

MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 08:59

As in, upon marriage to their wives (or husbands I suppose!).
Dh changed his name upon marriage (to my last name) he had his own reasons for doing it but I wouldn't marry a man willing to do it anyway.
Aibu to wonder, Do you judge men that do this/think it's unreasonable? If so, why?

OP posts:

BigDamnHero · 05/01/2018 09:44

DH offered to take my name and I think very highly of him for it. In the end I took his name after I asked a few people which they thought sounded better for a writer (I still have dreams of getting published): Forename Mysurname or Forename Hissurname. The response was almost unanimously his surname so I took his name.

TammySwansonTwo · 05/01/2018 09:45

Couldn't wait to change my name - my name wasn't mine anyway, I'd changed it by deedpoll so I had no attachment to it, and my DHs surname is much more interesting.

Original poster

MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 09:47

I was just wondering about specifically men changing their names and being judged.
I have no problem with women or men (not my life after all) keeping/changing/making up a new one. Seems this has become a bit of a general surname discussion though. I love Aibu.

OP posts:

TheAntiBoop · 05/01/2018 09:47

Dh certainly more attached to his surname than I was mine. I just see it as an identifier - my first name is much more important to me.

MissDuke · 05/01/2018 09:47

No I wouldn't judge him, of course not! I don't judge anyone for changing or not changing their names, why would I ?

What I do judge is someone who insists the other do things a certain way, whether that be changing or not changing. Both parties need to reach a compromise - if they cannot then the other should not impose their wishes on the other. So insisting anyone changes their name is wrong imo.

diddl · 05/01/2018 09:49

I know someone who did this.

They split & his new wife now has his exes surname!

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 09:49

Dh certainly more attached to his surname than I was mine. I just see it as an identifier - my first name is much more important to me.

Do you think a society that tells men that their names are theirs and important, and women that theirs are their father's and disposable, might have anything to do with that?

HerSymphonyAndSong · 05/01/2018 09:50

“Dh has a unique surname - we know everyone else in the world with it! No way he was going to change his surname. My surname is more run of the mill and I don't feel I have a deep connection to it. Also wanted to have the same name as the kids so it made sense to have DHs name. If he had been a smith or jones I would have kept my surname though”

I have a very unusual surname, H’s is “run of the mill”. People still assume I have changed mine to his

And if his name had been Smith/Jones the children would have had your surname I expect?

Coffeeandcrochet · 05/01/2018 09:51

Some people even judged my husband for not having a problem with me keeping my name. Apparently he should have insisted that I changed my name to his failing to do so makes him less of a man, or under my thumb, or something. Which leads me to conclude that some people will judge anything, so just fuck em and do what you like!

cakecakecheese · 05/01/2018 09:51

In some countries, Denmark is one, taking the woman's surname is the norm. I know someone who took his wife's surname as his was Smith and hers was a bit more unusual and he liked the idea of there not being as many people with the same first name and surname combo.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 05/01/2018 09:52

“So, I think the feminist argument above^^ isn’t watertight. Different if your mum didn’t change her name. But then you’re keeping her father’s I suppose. Tricky.”

Most men’s surnames are their father’s too. But people seem to be ok with men being attached to the surname they have (usually) had since birth regardless

Readermumof3 · 05/01/2018 09:53

I wouldn't even think about it. I know some people get in a right lather about changing names/losing their name/being addressed incorrectly but it's not something I can get worked up about. Apparently that means I'm a non feminist/Stepford wife/old fossil. Whatever.

Battleax · 05/01/2018 09:53

All these years and TBH I still don't really understand what this MN sport called "judging" is.

It just makes me think of Les Dawson in his curlers, gossiping and bitching.

PanPanPanPing · 05/01/2018 09:54

Many moons ago I had a boyfriend who hated his surname. I didn't think it was that bad, but he worked in a very male dominated world and, apparently, his colleagues made up a nickname, based upon his surname, which he thought was not 'masculine'. He once told me that when/if he got married he'd change his surname to his wife's surname.

JustHereForThePooStories · 05/01/2018 09:55

I wouldn't marry a man NOT willing to do it

My husband married me knowing I was not willing to change my name.
Do you think he shouldn’t have married me?

morningconstitutional2017 · 05/01/2018 09:55

Well, it's horses for courses isn't it? I changed my surname on marriage because it was just what you did all those years ago and hardly anyone questioned it. I went from a very ordinary name to something more exotic and 'remarkable'.

It would have been considered strange if it had been vice versa. However I recall seeing a newspaper article about a man who agreed to change his name to hers when they married as she had a very rare surname and she didn't want it to die out. I wouldn't get too stressed about it.

Kitsharrington · 05/01/2018 09:56

I don’t really understand why people of either sex change their name upon marriage.

ElfEars · 05/01/2018 09:56

DP is taking my surname when we marry in March. I think some people think it's my decision and he's under the thumb but whatever. Until DP was 16 he had his father's surname. He doesn't know his father so when he was 16 his DM changed his surname to her surname which is her married name from her marriage before DP was born. She has since reverted to her maiden name. When DS was born DP wanted to give him my surname rather than his mother's maiden name and deed polling himself so it just makes more sense. My surname is also much easier to spell.

TheFaerieQueene · 05/01/2018 09:58

I don’t judge anyone.

As for a name change, which is such a non event whoever does it, I could give a flying fuck.

Pearlsaringer · 05/01/2018 09:58

We kept both names but no hyphen. DH would have happily taken my name but I thought that was a step too far for his family! (They still didn’t like it but tough shit). Reason, so that when we had DC we all had the same name.

MargaretCavendish · 05/01/2018 09:59

So, I think the feminist argument above^^ isn’t watertight. Different if your mum didn’t change her name. But then you’re keeping her father’s I suppose. Tricky.

This 'argument' - which I can predict now will be stated over and over in this thread - is my absolute pet hate. Either both men and women own their own names or no one does. Either my husband and I have his name and my name, or we have FIL's name and my dad's name. It is completely illogical to say that he has his name but I have my father's.

Original poster

MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 10:00

JustHereForThePooStories

Well it depends, surely? If you taking his name was a deal breaker for him then no.
If it wasn't, then it's fine.
🤷🏻‍♀️
Why would I think otherwise?

With regards to judgement; Dh has had some very awful conversations with family members, coworkers and friends like to take the piss out of him for being "under my thumb" a couple of people refuse to use his new name... so, yes. Judgement absolutely happens. Wouldn't call it a MN sport though

OP posts:

TheAntiBoop · 05/01/2018 10:00

I agree that surnames are patriarchal in this country and that's why I don't really care much about them I suppose. If I had kept my maiden name I'm just keeping my fathers name and his fathers before him. Whereas my first name was chosen for me.

Schlimbesserung · 05/01/2018 10:02

So long as both partners are happy with it, I don't think it matters if they both have the same name, keep their own or invent an entirely new one. Any choice entered into freely is fine, surely?
I took my husband's surname because was nicer (and easier to spell) than mine and I don't especially like my birth family.

Original poster

MerryShitmas · 05/01/2018 10:03

At what point does a woman's name become her own?

So a mans name is always his name but a woman's name is only her fathers (or grandfathers/great grandfathers?)

OP posts:

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