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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex Patient is annoying me- am I obliged to say hi?

196 replies

user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 18:40

I am a health care professional( think optician) although not actually optician.
Six months ago I saw a patient.
This patient had mental health problems and said he often suffers from psychotic episodes triggered by cannabis use.
After this I saw this patient on a few occasions in the Caffè Nero on the high Street where I work in my lunch hour and the patient would say hi which I would reply to.

However after this I seemed to be seeing this man every single time in the coffee shop. The patient would then try to make conversation after saying hi.
I am getting increasingly fed up of this man and really do not wish to say hello to him anymore. But am worried that I am being unreasonable?

On the last couple of occasions I have not responded to his hello but he still persists in saying hello until I respond?
Last week I refused to respond despite repeated hellos and since then he no longer says hello but stares a very intimidating stare everytime he sees me on the high Street / in the coffee shop?
I am feeling really anxious about seeing him as I do see him twice a week?
Was I unreasonable to not want to respond to his hello and what can I do now when I see him and he stares unpleasantly??

OP posts:

FloraFox · 04/01/2018 09:23

Trust your instincts and you don’t need to be kind to anyone. This thread is a great example of female socialisation to put men’s feelings first.

Any time in the past I have put politeness ahead of my instincts it has led to an uncomfortable escalation. Unfortunately for your own sake I think you should change your routine but also tell your practice manager and, if it continues, the police.

HungerOfThePine · 04/01/2018 10:46

Op I don't think you are over reacting, do tell your manager and unfortunately I agree change your routine.

My dfriend had a similar experience as she works with communities/public and alot of her and her company work is open to see on fb. One guy after being at an event started messaging her for chit chat which to her was innocent enough and she vaguely responded even though she didn't want to in her mind. He started to like and follow every event/post she was or had done, she was uncomfortable knowing that he was so interested in where she would be and what she was doing at work.
She isn't a healthcare professional and it seems relatively innocent but it went against all her instincts and her colleagues noticed the fb activity from him and didn't brush it off, they thought it was strange too. She stopped responding and that was enough to end it.

One could say he was just interested in her but it wasn't welcome and that's enough reason not to respond.

Bumsnetnetbums · 04/01/2018 10:58

There is a reason why mental health workers are not allowed to discuss where they live or familiy details other than very basic info

Sammymommy · 04/01/2018 12:39

Op, I think you made the mistake of being unclear and mentioning his mental health in your OP. Honestly "That patient I saw once 6 months ago is now pushing more and more to force me to have a conversation with him when I made it clear I do not want to and it makes me feel unconfortable. He even mentioned noticing that I had stopped working at the practice and demanded answers when he saw me back there" would have had a totally different answer.

To be honest I think YWBU to blank him. That's fucking weird behaviour for a grown woman . Don't get me wrong I would hate being in your situation, I hate doing chit chat but have you tried a blunt "sorry, I refuse to mix private life and work. Have a good day"? And yes definitely talk to your manager (maybe make sure you word things better than in your OP or they might miss the point that he has boundary issues)

Now, there aren't many solutions. You confront him, you take a book and don't look up or you go somewhere else. You can't control where he looks or where he goes (at least in the situation you describe).

Original poster

user1471556443 · 04/01/2018 13:03

Yes I think with hindsight I should have just said to him sorry if refuse to mix private life with work but in the beginning I didn't see the problem in just responding to the occasional hello when I would only see this person occasionally?? The problem started when I began to see him more and more frequently and then he began talking more than just a hello.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471556443 · 04/01/2018 13:08

He no longer attempts to talk now but tbh I am now finding the staring and walking past me numerous times etc even more intimidating.
Anyway there isn't much I can do now apart from to just not visit the coffee shop and just stay in the practice at lunchtime for a few weeks

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/01/2018 15:54

I think the reason people are saying 'drip feed' is he was displaying stalkerish behaviour before, wanting to know why you had left, if he could follow you etc. Had you said this, I would not have suggested you pass the time of day with him. You owe him nothing.

Cantuccit · 04/01/2018 15:56

Really SpongeBob ?

I don't think OP was drip feeding, I think you're back tracking.

gamerwidow · 04/01/2018 15:59

It was obvious he was displaying stalkerish behaviour from the first post but everyone was in such a rush to give the OP a kicking for being disabilist they chose to ignore it.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/01/2018 16:09

No, she definitely didn't report that conversation. What she reported was socially unskilled behaviour, possible stalking. That update puts it into stalking.

Weezol · 04/01/2018 16:53

I don't see any drip feed.

BerylStreep · 04/01/2018 16:55

Sounded like stalking to me from the first post.

OP I hope your discussion with the manager goes well.

Might it be worth your while having a line to say to him if he tries engaging again? Something like 'I think you are confusing initial politeness with friendship. I don't mix professional and private life and I would like to redraw the boundary rather than constantly feeling the need to exchange pleasantries with you. I hope you appreciate it isn't personal.'

I would also start to keep a diary of any time you see him and the nature of the interaction.

I am honestly astounded at the number of people on this thread who have tried to minimise this. Even if his intentions are innocent it still isn't normal or acceptable behaviour to try to force pleasantries from someone.

Cantuccit · 04/01/2018 17:32

Spongebob

No, she definitely didn't report that conversation. What she reported was socially unskilled behaviour, possible stalking. That update puts it into stalking.

OP said he was making conversations with her. How can she report everything in her OP.

You are blaming OP for your reluctance to take a woman seriously when she says she feels intimidated.

Everything was pointing to this man stalking OP. Now that you see it, you refuse to acknowledge that you should have seen it from the beginning.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/01/2018 18:20

There was no drip feeding

That the op didn’t want to engage with this man is enough

That he was persistent despite the op ignoring him is unreasonable behavior

Or do women have to respond nicely to every man who wants their attention

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 05/01/2018 08:42

*That he was persistent despite the op ignoring him is unreasonable behavior

Or do women have to respond nicely to every man who wants their attention*

Exactly this ^^
I am so sick and tired of male entitlement.
Staring can be very intimidating. About ten years ago I had a daily commute where a man half my age stared at me constantly. Never spoke, just stared.
One evening I was coming home late. He got into the same carriage as me and sat near me. I was reading a book. Halfway through the journey he stood up and sat at the SAME TABLE as me. I just ignored him and kept reading (pretending to, couldn’t really concentrate).
Some weeks later a guy was arrested for pestering women on that train route. I like to think it was him because I realised I hadn’t seen him for some time.
Bloody men.

FloraFox · 05/01/2018 08:48

You are blaming OP for your reluctance to take a woman seriously when she says she feels intimidated.

FluffyWuffy100 · 05/01/2018 09:24

It was obvious he was displaying stalkerish behaviour from the first post but everyone was in such a rush to give the OP a kicking for being disabilist they chose to ignore it.

Quite.

Society be like "Nasty mean woman need to be niiiiiiiiice to the poor lovely man."

Nope. We are under zero obligations to talk to anyone we don't want to. That annoying drunk on the train who won't leave you alone "i'm just trying to be nice love, what's your problem?!?!" If you were trying to be nice, you woudl be upset that you are making me feel intimidated and uncomfortable.

The ex-paitant who is displaying too much interest? Tell your practice manager and say to the guy "Sorry Jeff, I can#'t stop and talk - it isn't appropriate out side of work i'm afraid". Obviously this is much harder to do when it starts with a simple 'hi' and then progress slowly.

Anyway, good luck OP. Remember you have zero obligation to talk to anyone you don't want to.

BerylStreep · 25/01/2018 11:15

OP, has there been any further 'bumping into' this man? Did you speak to the practice manager? I hope they took you seriously. I must say I was really at the level of minimising on this thread.

Original poster

user1471556443 · 25/01/2018 12:54

Hi beryl just to update, the man no longer goes to the coffee shop and although I do still see him on the high Street, he just ignores me now so I am really relieved!!
Thanks so much to you and to everyone who understood my concerns.
Definitely a lot of minimising on this thread about a situation that most normal ppl would have found at least a little disturbing

OP posts:

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 25/01/2018 13:10

Op, I know this is a bit of an old thread but I've read the start, and just wanted to say that you weren't being unreasonable at all.

BerylStreep · 26/01/2018 15:36

OP, that's a bit of a result. He seems to have got the message.

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