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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Patient is annoying me- am I obliged to say hi?

196 replies

user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 18:40

I am a health care professional( think optician) although not actually optician.
Six months ago I saw a patient.
This patient had mental health problems and said he often suffers from psychotic episodes triggered by cannabis use.
After this I saw this patient on a few occasions in the Caffè Nero on the high Street where I work in my lunch hour and the patient would say hi which I would reply to.

However after this I seemed to be seeing this man every single time in the coffee shop. The patient would then try to make conversation after saying hi.
I am getting increasingly fed up of this man and really do not wish to say hello to him anymore. But am worried that I am being unreasonable?

On the last couple of occasions I have not responded to his hello but he still persists in saying hello until I respond?
Last week I refused to respond despite repeated hellos and since then he no longer says hello but stares a very intimidating stare everytime he sees me on the high Street / in the coffee shop?
I am feeling really anxious about seeing him as I do see him twice a week?
Was I unreasonable to not want to respond to his hello and what can I do now when I see him and he stares unpleasantly??

OP posts:
HermioneAndMsJones · 03/01/2018 19:55

To all of you who say it’s ok for the patient to always come and talk to the OP.
It’s not. The OP is entitled to have some peace. The fact he is an ex patient doesn’t give him the right to expect some conversations twice a week with the OP.
That’s where the boundaries are blurred. As a HCP and in this context, that person is expecting for the full attention from the OP. Relationhsip is professional and NOT personal.
When in the high street, they are both out of that health care system. Boundaries are different. The man can NOT expect the OP to have a conversation with him every time. He should be able to pick up of the clues the OP is giving that she doesn’t want to have a conversation.
Discussion will also either still be ‘professional’ and then the setting is totally wrong (and would be unprofessional if the OP is engaging with him) or will be going into personal area, which the OP is totally to refuse.

And finally, it’s not clear if said man might become a patient again which would make th8ngs ever more complicated again.

Basically, say8ng hi is one thing, expecting a conversation is another....

Finderscrispy · 03/01/2018 19:55

Do you live in a smallish town op. If he doesn’t work he may like to pass time in the town centre and that’s why you keep seeing him.

He does sound quite odd though, I doubt I’d even say hello to someone that I’d met in your capacity to begin with, I definitely wouldn’t persist saying hello if you blanked me.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 19:57

Well, we'll just have to disagree. I believe it's just another situation where people are telling a woman to de-escalate (go to another coffee shop) and minimise the incident (he is just being friendly, you are rude to ignore him).

Coconutspongexo · 03/01/2018 19:58

People are telling her to go to another coffee shop to see if he goes.... if he does he is stalking her it’s pretty simple

Emmageddon · 03/01/2018 19:59

I don't think the OP works in Caffè Nero on her lunch break @Straycatblue, she just goes there because it's on the high street where she works. I think.

Nicknacky · 03/01/2018 20:00

Can we stop using words like "de-esculate" and "minimise" in this circumstance? No one is saying anything like that.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 20:01

It is rude to just completely blank someone regardless of the sex of either person.
And yes it's annoying if someone won't get the hint and keeps trying to chat to you. If that happened to me I would use a different coffee shop. Having to sit in the vicinity of someone I had completely blanked would not be an enjoyable experience for me.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 20:02

Nicknacky

pomp don't dare compare this to sexual assault/rape. If she wants to avoid seeing him then yes, she has to change coffee shop. We don't know he is fixated on her. She used to speak to him, now he she doesn't and he has tried to talk to her. At the point we don't know if there is a major issue

Please don't tell a woman what she can and can't compare this incident to.

Express your opinion but don't try and stifle debate.

I agree with pomp, we need to encourage women to be comfortable with maintaining their boundaries.

Fairyliz · 03/01/2018 20:02

Do Not ignore your instincts, I am nearly 60 and every time I have ignored my instincts 'just to be polite' I have ended up in a difficult situation.
You do not have to speak to this man if you do not want too. Like another poster said most people would have though you were a bit rude when you did not reply and not spoken to you again.
This is not normal behaviour you do not have to engage with this man,

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 20:03

Nicknacky

You do not get to police what I type.

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 20:04

I don't think the OP works in Caffè Nero on her lunch break @Straycatblue, she just goes there because it's on the high street where she works. I think.

ahh ok, in my defence Ive had to take some quite strong painkillers tonight so could not work that sentence out. Grin

Nicknacky · 03/01/2018 20:05

cant Because the metoo hashtag was in relation to sexual assaults which is in no way comparable from someone trying to speak to someone in a fucking coffee shop.

Not stifling debate at all but let's keep it in perspective.

And wasn't telling a woman that she shouldn't compare it. Was telling a poster. Her gender is irrelevant to my point.

Nicknacky · 03/01/2018 20:05

cant Did I say I could?

Marymaymay · 03/01/2018 20:08

You work in healthcare. You’re a professional. You saw this man as a patient.

You owe him the dignity of a hello, like it or not. He is a human being, MH issues or not.

You entered into a professional relationship with him when you saw him as a patient. Behaviour like this from professionals can destroy trust in vulnerable people.

I have worked with hundreds of vulnerable people over the years in a very small area. I see several every time I go out. I know how much an acknowledgement from me means to them and conversely, just how much a sudden blanking would hurt them. I always say hello and smile at the very least. I love people, that’s why I do my job.

HermioneAndMsJones · 03/01/2018 20:10

Btw I fully agree that the OP shouldn’t have to change where she has lunch because a man can’t cope with her not giving all the attention he thinks he should get.

Boundaries, boundaries, guys.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 20:10

Nicknacky

pomp was not saying this was a sexual assault.

The #metoo campaign is about empowerment of women and to show men what inappropriate behaviour looks like.

This man is potentially stalking OP, forcing her to acknowledge him, accosting her in shops and somehow always ends up in the same coffee shop OP goes to every time on the same day.

He then gives her intimidating looks when she doesn't respond.

This in inappropriate behaviour.

biffyboom · 03/01/2018 20:11

He could be hanging around town every day, and that is why you always cross paths, not that he is just there when you are.
But I would be wary of him, and personally, would avoid town completely for a few weeks to break the pattern of behavior that has occurred with him, hoping he forgets about or moves on from you.

LexieLulu · 03/01/2018 20:12

Could you report suspicions to none emergency police? Just to have things down on record in case something gets out of hand

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 20:13

Nicknacky

cant Did I say I could?

Well, you said this to pomp

pomp don't dare compare this to sexual assault/rape.

And this to me:

Can we stop using words like "de-esculate" and "minimise" in this circumstance?

So yes, Nick, you are trying to police what we say.

sonjadog · 03/01/2018 20:14

Maybe he is wondering why he always sees you in the coffee shop and when he goes into other shops? And now he is also wondering why you have now stopped saying hello to him?

You say he has stopped saying hello this week after you stopped replying. Sounds like he is taking the hint just fine to me.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/01/2018 20:15

Hi OP, this guy obviously creeps you out. You need to change your routine at lunchtime, or meet up with someone, preferably male, for coffee.
Maybe he is fixated on you, or he just likes to hang around the town, or maybe he just inadvertently set your spidey senses off, by confiding in you, regarding his phsycotic tendencies. These at present, are all possibilities.

sonjadog · 03/01/2018 20:15

Did someone seriously say you need to "de-esculate" someone saying "hi" in a coffee shop?!

HermioneAndMsJones · 03/01/2018 20:15

Mary fwiw what I have been taught as a HCP is that you do not engage with said patients outside the professional settings. Nothing would tell you if the patient wants to engage with you. For exam0e, this wood let other know that you know them and therefore to extrapolate you have to see xxxx (insert specialist etc....)
Second, your professional life and your private life are two different spheres that are not to be mixed anyway. You don’t start personal relationhsip with (ex) patients because the relationship would be unbalanced in the first place (as the HCP you will Be in a position of authority)
Finally, outside the professional sett8ng, you ca; hope whoever you want to see/talk to. So a small smile and a very quick hi might be ok. But for him to come over and engage in conversation every tine he sees the OP isn’t acceptable and the OP doesn’t have to. Actually she even doesn’t have to say hello several times a week. They are not friends, nor even acquaintances after all.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 20:16

Marymaymay

OP works in a role in an optician, not an MH role.

There is no reason to suppose she has had any training on how to deal with customers with MH. How on earth can sge be responsible for destroying trust in a vulnerable person with MH?

HermioneAndMsJones · 03/01/2018 20:16

sonjadog but it’s not just to say hi. This guy is wanting to have a conversation each time he sees her! That’s why the OP is creeped out.