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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Patient is annoying me- am I obliged to say hi?

196 replies

user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 18:40

I am a health care professional( think optician) although not actually optician.
Six months ago I saw a patient.
This patient had mental health problems and said he often suffers from psychotic episodes triggered by cannabis use.
After this I saw this patient on a few occasions in the Caffè Nero on the high Street where I work in my lunch hour and the patient would say hi which I would reply to.

However after this I seemed to be seeing this man every single time in the coffee shop. The patient would then try to make conversation after saying hi.
I am getting increasingly fed up of this man and really do not wish to say hello to him anymore. But am worried that I am being unreasonable?

On the last couple of occasions I have not responded to his hello but he still persists in saying hello until I respond?
Last week I refused to respond despite repeated hellos and since then he no longer says hello but stares a very intimidating stare everytime he sees me on the high Street / in the coffee shop?
I am feeling really anxious about seeing him as I do see him twice a week?
Was I unreasonable to not want to respond to his hello and what can I do now when I see him and he stares unpleasantly??

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 23:17

OP, please do tell your practice manager. I am 99% sure they will treat it seriously and put in some protective measures for you (i.e. Keep him away from you if he visits your branch).

Have you told your family and friends? Tell them first so it then becomes easier to tell manager/colleagues.

You will feel lighter when you tell them Flowers

kazillionaire · 03/01/2018 23:20

Well here's the thing - don't go to café Nero! You are making a massive thing out of something with such a simple solution . . .
And before you say you should be able to go where you want, yes you should but if this man is bothering you that much then do something about it

Weezol · 03/01/2018 23:23

Has your high street got any links to a Neighbourhood Policing team? If you go to your force's website you can find out. These are officers who work specifically in localities and usually have a pretty good idea what's going on in their patch. They will be able to speak to you in person or by phone and can give you some advice and may start being around on the high street at lunchtime.

Please tell your practice manager so they can put a plan in place should he return to the practice.

And to all those minimising this, saying 'just say hello' 'go to a different coffee shop', be grateful that you have never experienced this. There's a strong likelihood that you or someone you love will in the future.

Notallthat · 03/01/2018 23:24

Change your lunch time and go to a different cafe/coffee shop, if he appears there for a drink I think you'd have enough to contact the police/report to work. Personally I wouldn't ignore him because if he is just bumping into you it is incredibly rude and if he is a stalker/suffering psychosis i don't think upsetting him would be a good idea. A simple hello followed quickly by an excuse to not talk any further is sufficient.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/01/2018 23:27

Yes, this fucker is pushing boundaries and being creepy. You have done NOTHING wrong Op and you do not owe him anything. As the more sensible posters have advised, tell your manager that Creepy McCreepface is behaving wierdly, that you will not see him as a patient again, and you think the situation may escalate. They will have your back. You won't be the only person it's happened to (not that this particular man is stalking your particular workplace or your colleagues, but creepy entitled men stalking women who have only dealt with them in a professional capacity and have no desire to interact with them in any other way... well, that's nothing new.)

Everyone else: when someone ignores your repeated attempts to say hello to them, you fuck the fuck off and leave that person alone. You don't continue pestering, following them about, glaring. Anyone who does that has overstepped the mark and should be treated as a) rude and b) potentially dangerous.

cocktailismyfavouritefilm · 03/01/2018 23:34

You need to trust your instincts. I think you've done the right thing personally. You have every right to blank him. The way he has reacted by walking past you and staring for no good reason suggests there is something wrong with him! Most people when they're blanked wouldn't react like that!!

nigelschristmasham · 04/01/2018 07:10

I work in mental health and have experienced this kind of thing from time to time.
tbh I think it kind of comes with the territory to a certain degree and in the past I've just altered my routines slightly to avoid certain clients and ex clients if I've a good idea where they are going to be. Plus I never work in the town where I live as otherwise you spend all weekend avoiding clients you'd sooner not engage with when you are doing your weekly food shop or whatever...

nigelschristmasham · 04/01/2018 07:14

Do tell your Manager though...

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/01/2018 07:26

Keep a diary and consider reporting him

Sounds stalky to me . I do think the MH issues are relevant to mention actually . I had this with someone I worked with and he followed me into the tube . I knew he had MH issues and work very gently handles it but still ... it was scary

Yanbu to be feel intimidated by this and he has clearly missed some learning around boundaries

Not at all Flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/01/2018 07:28

Wow look at Everyone minimising the OP Shock

It’s scary to be on the end of this people . Why should she have to make changes it’s NOT her fault

PaiMeisWhiteEyebrows · 04/01/2018 07:36

Also why should I be forced to say hello to a random person who I've only seen as a patient once if I don't want to???

Errrrr....because you're a human being and not an arsehole?

Original poster
user1471556443 · 04/01/2018 07:50

So paimei you yourself would be happy to greet random men who you don't know even if they were making you feel uncomfortable???

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/01/2018 07:59

Op this thread and the the responses are very wierd and have surprised me

From your initial posts and your updates it’s clear he has a fixation on you

Personally I would create a simple timeline and bullet updates and visit your local police station for a friendly chat

I can guarantee you they won’t minimise this (as the thread has Hmm)

His behaviour is worrying so please don’t assume the responses here reflect RL

Bumsnetnetbums · 04/01/2018 08:05

Also discuss with a mentor/supervisor as it affects your work and they can document it. He may be offered more MH support.
Having worked in MH this could escalate to him following you home etc. Be careful.

Lucylululu · 04/01/2018 08:22

I think you're being a bit juvenile - how is saying 'hello' to someone a big deal? It sounds like he's made a mistake being open with you about his MH issues and you're heavily judging him based on this. Seeing someone regularly on the same high street is hardly a sign that they're stalking you Hmm

Cantuccit · 04/01/2018 08:23

Lucylululu RTFT Hmm

Lucylululu · 04/01/2018 08:24

Also it's really annoying that you end almost all sentences, including things that aren't questions, with a question mark.

Lucylululu · 04/01/2018 08:26

I have literally no clue what 'RTFT' means...

Becles · 04/01/2018 08:27

I'm on the fence about this one but your organisation (if NHS or by a different name in other parts of the public sector) should have a stalking policy and someone who has giving advice and support around this / linking in with the police as part of their job.

You first need to formally raise it with your manager and the organisation lead (face to face with email follow up), then take it from there. Hand wringing if you genuinely have concerns is a waste of time-use the clear escalation systems to review, record and address that are available to you in house.

If work are unhelpful, go to the police in a private capacity and ask them to link up with your work.

Cantuccit · 04/01/2018 08:29

@Lucylulu Read the fucking full thread

You would be using question marks too if you had people like you commenting on your thread without having RTFT.

It's rude and arrogant.

Cantuccit · 04/01/2018 08:31

Funny how people don't the read the thread, post and then go to the very last page to see the replies to their own post Hmm

RhythmStix · 04/01/2018 08:34

OP you are definitely NOT being unreasonable. He sounds weird and intimidating.

I am really depressed at the posters on here who are telling the OP to suck it up and get on with it. What you mean is that as per usual the man must be accommodated and the woman must just accept the fact that he will deliberately frighten her because he wants to. Well done you.

NeilPetark · 04/01/2018 08:51

The OP is perfectly within her right not to want to respond to an ex patient on her bloody lunch break! Or anyone for that matter.

As pp said raise it with your manager.

marywasneeavirgin · 04/01/2018 08:54

Just say hello, you don't need to have a conversation. He's ill. You may be the only person who looks him in the eye and speaks to him all day. Be kind.

BringMeTea · 04/01/2018 08:57

Stop telling her to ‘be kind’ to a creepy, intimidating man. Disgraceful. I hope you don’t teach your dds the same.