Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Patient is annoying me- am I obliged to say hi?

196 replies

user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 18:40

I am a health care professional( think optician) although not actually optician.
Six months ago I saw a patient.
This patient had mental health problems and said he often suffers from psychotic episodes triggered by cannabis use.
After this I saw this patient on a few occasions in the Caffè Nero on the high Street where I work in my lunch hour and the patient would say hi which I would reply to.

However after this I seemed to be seeing this man every single time in the coffee shop. The patient would then try to make conversation after saying hi.
I am getting increasingly fed up of this man and really do not wish to say hello to him anymore. But am worried that I am being unreasonable?

On the last couple of occasions I have not responded to his hello but he still persists in saying hello until I respond?
Last week I refused to respond despite repeated hellos and since then he no longer says hello but stares a very intimidating stare everytime he sees me on the high Street / in the coffee shop?
I am feeling really anxious about seeing him as I do see him twice a week?
Was I unreasonable to not want to respond to his hello and what can I do now when I see him and he stares unpleasantly??

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 21:47

How is it a drip feed when OP has previously said the man spoke to her? No one can be expected to anticipate in their OP every question they may be asked.

Even if she had mentioned in her OP about his wuestions on why she had left and where she was working now, people would have just responded saying 'he's comfortable with you that's why he wants to deal with you.'

It just comes back to people not listening to women and their experiences.

kazillionaire · 03/01/2018 21:49

If it was a sweet little old widow with a flowery hat and scented like lavender would you completely ignore her? Or are you being ignorant because this man was upfront and honest about his mental health - for goodness sake you only see him twice a week, not like he is camping in your garden. I think you need some education in mental health matters.

Original poster
user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 21:52

Yes corbyns how was that a drip feed??
The man has spoken to me on many occasions as I have said time and time again, it's not just a simple hello??
Did you want me to detail each and every encounter in my op, including everything that was said???

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 21:56

And as for kazillionaire saying I need education in mental health matters just piss off?? As you know nothing about my life and what education I have in mental health matters? As it happens a member of my immediate family unit who I live with also suffers from psychotic episodes and severe depression.
So I have great great sympathy for the mentally unwell
But my family member would not dream of accosting someone in this manner especially when I have made it so clear that I don't wish to speak to him?

OP posts:
lynzpynz · 03/01/2018 22:27

Any feeling that you somehow are obliged to acknowledge this man when you only know him purely in a professional sense as a patient is wrong.

From what you’ve said he appears to have crossed the line to where this is no longer a courteous interaction but one that has become invasive and you are no longer comfortable. You owe this man absolutely nothing, don’t let anyone make you feel like you do.

If he continues to try to engage with you, don’t ignore him but calmly and politely explain to him (in a public place) you are not allowed to interact with patients outside of work (plausible explanation). If he continues after this tell your manager about the patient who’s making you uneasy, get it documented in case it escalates and avoid the coffee shop (yes I know you shouldn’t have to but equally even for a little while to break the cycle might help?).

Sometimes our instincts that something isn’t quite right should override ‘british politeness’.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 22:28

Making conversation I would class as talking about the weather not threatening to follow you around your workplaces. How is that NOT a drip feed?

Carouselfish · 03/01/2018 22:33

Wow, it's like some pp aren't reading the OP's post properly. Even without her later posts where she says he's in multiple shops she goes in and has walked past her table a bizarre number of times in a short period and has stared at her intimidatingly, the very fact he continued to say hello, hello, hello?! until she replied is not normal behaviour. She tried to discourage him by being non-confrontational and politely replying at first and since that wasn't a strong enough hint she has stopped talking altogether presumably because she's not the kind of person who finds it easy to bluntly say, please leave me alone, I don't want to keep talking to you, I'm trying to work and I'm finding your attention uncomfortable. Easy to type, hard to say in the real world.
And yes, it is a total bitch that she should have to change her life in order to escape unwanted, strange, now negative attention and become a victim. I'd say, before you do that OP, speak to him in the coffee shop, fairly loudly and ask him whether he's following you? It should at least put him off the coffee shop and make him back off.
I've been stalked three times to varying degrees. One mistook my politeness for interest and began to turn up outside my work. I was 18. He was in his 50s, a hotel-owning guy in a limo (he'd offered me a suite in his hotel to live in! Ha!). I went home in ridiculously convoluted ways through London to avoid him.
Another time I felt I was being followed through the streets of my hometown. I went faster, took an unusual shortcut and slipped behind a wall waiting for him to shoot past. He did, panicked, looking for me. When he saw me staring straight back at him, the shock and embarrassment on his face at being caught out vindicated my instincts.
The third time was more complex but was stopped again by direct confrontation on my part. I'd try that, OP and tell everyone you know about it, including (I'm sure I'll get flamed for this) the waiters at the coffee shop who may well have noticed something up.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 22:42

There is no law against going into shops in the town where you live!
Now that the op has blanked him he isn't trying to speak to her any more.
The guy has every right to be in the coffee shop and walk past her table presumably also walking past other tables committing the awful crimes of getting sugar or going for a piss. Maybe he's stalking one of the other lunchtime regulars?
And one persons staring is another persons staring into space. Obviously the op must be looking at him a lot to conclude that he's staring. Maybe he's wondering why?
I imagine the chance of him wanting to continue his care with her at another practice are now slim to none. I'm not sure what the op wants. For him to be banned from the coffee shop or banned from the city centre?

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 22:48

Corbyn on the face of it they could seem like friendly questions.

Why did you leave the branch?
Where are you working now?
Can I see you at your new practice?
I've seen you back in the old branch, are you working there again?

So OP could describe it as making conversation. It's the context of him being very often in the same place that she in town and the intimidating staring that makes it inappropriate.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 22:53

It really depends on the size of the place. If it's central London then it would be unusual to see someone all the time. A small town not so much.
I lived in a small town a few years ago and I went back there recently and the same characters were milling around the town centre as when I left. Mainly elderly retired people who look around the shops for something to do I imagine and people who work in the centre.
If this man isn't working then maybe he hangs around the town centre. Or maybe he works there.
He hasn't broken any laws so like I said what does the op want to happen?

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 22:54

Maybe he's stalking one of the other lunchtime regulars?

So it's conceivable he could be stalking someone else, just not OP?

And one persons staring is another persons staring into space.

Give over, Corbyn. People know when they're being stared at. We frequently know even we have our back turned to that person. A stare is intense.

I'm not sure what the op wants. For him to be banned from the coffee shop or banned from the city centre?

She wanted re-assurance that it was ok not to respond to this man. Which I hope she got from some. And she is going to tell her practice manager about him. She has the right to go about her business without being accosted by people.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 22:56

OP says she lives and works in the same place so it sounds like a small place (?)

Even more reason for her to feel uncomfortable and for wanting it to stop.

Original poster
user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 22:56

Corbynsbum I am not saying that I want him banned from anywhere, only that his behaviour is making me feel very intimidated?? Walking past my table five times was not necessary, did he need to go for a piss / sugar five times in. 20 minutes???

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/01/2018 22:56

Boundary issues can be a problem in some professions and clients not understanding them especially when working on a personal level which he probably doesn’t that is why he told you so much about himself

I personally don’t think it’s an issue ignoring him you don’t want to talk to him and he is making you feel uncomfortable you are not obliged to talk to him out of work you are not friends or are you wanting to be

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 22:56

It's as likely that he's stalking one of the other people who regularly use the coffee shop as that he's stalking the op.
And bollocks do you know someone is staring at you if you have your back to them. You might get a 'feeling' but you'll. e wrong as much as right.

helensburgh · 03/01/2018 22:58

I think I'd go on instinct here. If somehting doesn't feel quite right it probably isn't

Original poster
user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 22:59

Yes cantuccit you are right in that the fact that I live and work in the same place makes this all the more unsettling

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 22:59

5 times in 20 minutes isn't that much. The loo a couple of times, some sugar, a napkin, a fresh spoon if you drop it. Why on earth is him walking past your table and presumably a lot of other tables such a problem?

RestingGrinchFace · 03/01/2018 23:00

Dear god, just go to a different coffee shop. YANBU to avoid him, he sounds a bit creepy.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 23:04

Well, there might be no proof about the back stares, but science tells us we definitely know when we're being stared at. Do you want links?

Original poster
user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 23:04

Corbynsbum, so you think getting up from your seat every 3 to 4 minutes and then staring at someone enroute to the toilet is perfectly normal behaviour??
And I wouldn't care about him walking past my table if he wasn't peering at me whilst walking past???

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 23:06

OP, of course it's not normal.

Even if this guy put up a sign outside your workplace saying 'I AM STALKING YOU', there would be people who wouldn't believe you.

Original poster
user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 23:09

Yes cantuccit you are exactly right. This is the reason why I am so reluctant to tell my practice manager and other colleagues as I fear this kind of reaction . That ppl will just minimise it and think of innocent explanations for his behaviour

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 03/01/2018 23:12

Because you have drip feed to have people agree with you.......

Original poster
user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 23:14

How have I drip fed nick????

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread