Ex Patient is annoying me- am I obliged to say hi?

[user1471556443]

I am a health care professional( think optician) although not actually optician.
Six months ago I saw a patient.
This patient had mental health problems and said he often suffers from psychotic episodes triggered by cannabis use.
After this I saw this patient on a few occasions in the Caffè Nero on the high Street where I work in my lunch hour and the patient would say hi which I would reply to.

However after this I seemed to be seeing this man every single time in the coffee shop. The patient would then try to make conversation after saying hi.
I am getting increasingly fed up of this man and really do not wish to say hello to him anymore. But am worried that I am being unreasonable?

On the last couple of occasions I have not responded to his hello but he still persists in saying hello until I respond?
Last week I refused to respond despite repeated hellos and since then he no longer says hello but stares a very intimidating stare everytime he sees me on the high Street / in the coffee shop?
I am feeling really anxious about seeing him as I do see him twice a week?
Was I unreasonable to not want to respond to his hello and what can I do now when I see him and he stares unpleasantly??

*in a role similar to an optician

I was about to get really cross with everyone for telling the OP to "just go to another coffee shop" when the she works there. But I see now she doesn't work there. Oops.

Sorry OP, no advice from me other than avoiding coffee shops for a while until he gets bored and goes elsewhere.

But she says that he isn´t doing that any more, Hermoine. He stopped doing that when she didn't respond.

cant my use of the work "can't" is clearly a question.

And lexie there is nothing to report to the police at this point.

I think, you need to take a colleague with you. Another perspective from someone in rl, will be better.

I'm also a HCP and we were/are taught that we should not have personal relationships with patients. In the hospital where I work there are cafes/coffee shops and I very often see my patients in there and so now I get my lunch 'to go' from chains like Costa within the hosp OR I sit in the 'staff only' area of the canteen.If you work in a hosp - I would very much recommend that you do this. That is why we have a staff only section PLUS our own department break rooms. If you don't work in a hosp, I'd advise choosing a new place to eat, at least for a while. I know it's not fair that you have to alter your day, but personally, it's the easiest option in the long term and prevents a lot of drama.

I would say 'hi' and that is it, maybe a chat about the weather at a push and then ''sorry, must finish some writing whilst I drink my coffee, take care" if you really want to keep using that coffee shop for your break and see how that goes? I think by completely ignoring him you created a problem though - it could have been dealt with in a more subtle way, although I really do understand and empathize with this. It's a really difficult situation and personally I'm just thankful to work in a place where I can choose to decrease the likelihood of patients trying to befriend me.

I know some people in healthcare might think ''what's wrong with you, they're just people - say hello/have a chat'' but it's really not that simple in healthcare, it's not like other jobs. Often patients of family members of patients will get the conversation round to their appointment with you/their condition and will ask questions about test results/other HCPs (I've had patients make jokes about some other HCPs manner - it's really difficult because they expect you to laugh and you can't due to professionalism and it's very awkward). We just can't discuss their cases/families cases in the middle of Costa Coffee/the public canteen and it all becomes very awkward and hard work.

For the sake of professionalism and getting a quiet/peaceful lunch break - stay in your workplace breakroom/go to a coffee shop a bit further away.

He might not mean any harm, but he's making you feel uncomfortable.

It's possible that this is all a coincidence, he means no harm, and you've been rude.

But you don't owe him politeness even if he is harmless. You don't want to speak to him outside of your professional role and he needs to respect that.

It's also possible he's following you on purpose for whatever reason, and your instincts seem to be telling you that this is the case. We're always telling women not to ignore their instincts, so please listen to yours.

If you've seen him in a professional role, speak to your manager or your professional body for advice. You can almost certainly have ask for him to be seen or treated by someone else.

And you will have made someone else aware of his behaviour and the effect it's having on you. It's important that they know.

And like Pomp I am sick of women being told to change their behaviour or be polite to someone who is bothering them. It doesn't matter if he only wants to say hello or have a harmless chat. She doesn't, and he's made her feel uneasy and uncomfortable in her daily routine.

Me Too wasn't only about rape and sexual assault, it was about all degrees of harassment of women by men, including verbal harassment.

I described what happened to me as 'nothing out of the ordinary', which was a depressing enough thought as it was.

But Me Too made me realise that the earliest time I was verbally harassed and expected to be polite about it was by an older boy when I was seven years old and after verbally harassing me he complained to a grown up that I was being mean to him because I was trying to avoid him.

Of course, he didn't tell her what he'd said to me, and I didn't have the words to explain myself. And that grown up made me go and be polite to him.

It shouldn't have happened then and it shouldn't be happening now. The OP is being made to feel uncomfortable and she doesn't owe politeness in return.

cant my use of the work "can't" is clearly a question

It really isn't a question to say 'can we stop saying this...'.

It's a rhetorical question. You were not expecting a response, but expecting the other person to shut up.

Also the problem is that I live and work in the same place. So I cannot avoid the high Street. I think as many posters have suggested I will just completely avoid any coffee shops and see what happens.
Also hermione you are right in what you say about it being very rare to see patients out and about normally? As I see at least 80 patients a week the majority of which live locally but I don't see them twice / thrice a week?? So although I don't want to think this behaviour is stalkerish, I can't understand why I am seeing him so much?
I have no problem in saying hi occasionally to a random patient once in a while but this level of contact and now intimidation is just too much

Ffs can we stop comparing this to metoo. At this point it's no way similar.

That's an issue in itself Nicknacky

We ask women "Why are you complaining, it's not that bad" and then when something happens to them we want to know "why didn't you say anything before it got that bad?"

You don't get to draw the line for the OP.

She sees 80-odd people a week in her role, and only one of them is turning up in the shops and cafes she frequents, is trying to start conversations she doesn't want, and is glaring at her when she won't reply.

Only one person out of over 80 that is making her feel uncomfortable.

Part of Me Too was to highlight how women are expected to accommodate men in the face of behaviour that is bothering them. So no, we won't stop comparing it just because you don't like it.

I can see how the increase in social contact can seem stalkerish. Also, his inability or unwillingness to see that you aren't interested in conversing with him means you can't trust him to read other social signals to disengage too. I would find it creepy and I don't think you're unreasonable to either.

I know saying Hi in the street to people you are vaguely acquainted with whom you happen to pass by is common courtesy, but this isn't that. That happened a few times and you followed social protocols and responded with a Hi. Now he is trying to increase that social contact by trying to make you engage in conversation and seemingly making sure your paths will cross, even coming up to you if he can't manage to catch your eye in passing.

I can also see why knowing his mental health situation would make you more worried - psychosis brought on by cannabis use is a mental health problem that can be problematic for others and is not being managed appropriately (because of the cannabis use). So while there will be plenty of men who are prepared to ignore women's boundaries who do not have mental health issues and his psychosis may have nothing to do with is treatment of you, it may exacerbate it and make him more erratic, it isn't totally irrelevant to your situation (there's also the concern for him that his behaviour is an indicator of deteriorating mental health that requires intervention).

I'm not sure if ignoring him the way you have is the wisest choice at this point from a safety perspective. Since you think he's stalking you (and I think that's likely from what you've posted) he could well see blanking as quite aggressive and that may cause him to increase his efforts or give them a more malicious twist (of course it may also do exactly what you're hoping and cause him to move on).

I think it's important you make sure others know about this. Can you talk to your manager at work - this is a work-related issue. See what they can do for you. I would also try talking to the police. I suspect you'd have to get lucky with a sympathetic officer (and that may be easier if your work initiates contact) and I don't know if there's anything they can do if the man doesn't have a history with them already. But if he is known to them, especially if it's because he's done this sort of thing before, contact with the police could be very beneficial and you have little to lose from it.

hygge we don't know if he has started turning up. Nee might also be a regular and the op has started to notice him due to her dealings with him.

He, not nee!

YANBU op.

I'm a HCP - an optician working in a high street practice. I see lots of my patients fairly regularly on my commute & on the high street. I never acknowledge them and they don't acknowledge me.

My advice would be to tell your colleagues in practice, particularly your manager. Hopefully it won't come to it, but if this patient was to come into your practice you need your colleagues to be aware that they need to see this patient and not you.

Changing your lunch time habits would be easier to do, but I would suggest that if you really don't want to change your routine/coffee shop to try and get a colleague or friend to accompany you a few times on days you usually see this patient on the high street. Whilst I don't think anyone should have to resort to these measures, it's just such a tricky situation to be in.

One of my colleagues had a similar situation. A patient she had seen in practice kept popping up when she was walking home in the evenings. On one occasion he exposed himself. Everybody in practice was fully aware, and the next time he came in the practice manager had a word of warning for him. Thankfully we've not seen him since.

Do you work in a multiple or independent? I would imagine that in a multiple that there may be some support/advice from HR.

If your a member of a professional body - college or ABDO, it may be worth contacting them for advice.

I haven't told anyone at work about this as I am worried about people just making light of it and saying that it's no big deal etc as many posters have said here? But I think I will mention this to the practice manager as I obviously will no longer be comfortable treating him after this

He is not a random person, he was a patient of yours, maybe he is just being friendly and not singling you out at all.

Also to all the posters saying that this could be his normal routine, he definitely was not frequenting this coffee shop previously as I would definitely have noticed him as he is very huge and distinctive looking. All this has started recently.

Also, 'retired now,' he IS a random person as I saw him once as a patient for twenty minutes?? Does this now give him the right to force me to acknowledge him every other day???

OP saw the man 6 months ago, and in her OP she states she has seen him approximately twice a week since then, and he is escalating the contact from saying hello, to insisting on making conversation, to glaring and walking past the table multiple times.

Seeing the patient on over 50 occasions in the last 6 months doesn't sound like a coincidence to me.

OP, trust your instinct. You don't owe him any form of acknowledgement or conversation, even though he clearly seems to think you do. Can you bring anyone else with you at lunchtime even to break the cycle? Or stick headphones on, and I agree - you shouldn't have to go elsewhere, but could you change your habit for a bit and go elsewhere? Do you think he follows you from your workplace?

Could you change your lunch break timings temporarily?

I also agree you should speak to someone in work about it. There's possibly history of it happening to others. I don't want to scare you, but there could also the possibility of him trying to escalate, and you need someone in work to be aware.

OP, please do tell your colleagues.

In most practices I have worked in there is usually always one patient who will frequently come in to see a colleague for no genuine reason. I can't explain why, only that it happens, and it's the colleague who's left feeling worried.

I know in my practices my colleagues are supportive on these issues, and people look out for each other.

Just because you saw a patient in your HCP role does not mean you should be made to feel harassed in your personal life.

Yes beryl, I will stop going to the coffee shop for a while. I stopped working at the practice for a while and restarted work there approximately 2 months ago. During my time away from the practice on one occasion the man demanded to know why I had left and where I was now working so he could come to my new practice??

And since I came back to this practice the man again mentioned that I had told him that I had left the practice but that he has seen me going in and out so was wondering if I am working there again??
I suppose he could have innocently seen me going in and out of the practice but I found it really unsettling???

Fucking hell someone has suggested contacting the non emergency police! What exactly would you say? One of my patients goes to the same coffee shop as me and was annoying me trying to engage me in conversation so I ignored and he's now stopped.
Everyone saying that the op shouldn't have to change coffee shops why should this man have to go elsewhere? He's done nothing wrong other than maybe be a bit slow to take the hint that the op doesn't want to speak with him. The op sees him in there twice a week but maybe he goes every day and has done since before she started going. If you're going to be intimidated by people trying to speak to you then maybe don't leave the house at all

Sorry x-posted with the drip feed!