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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Patient is annoying me- am I obliged to say hi?

196 replies

user1471556443 · 03/01/2018 18:40

I am a health care professional( think optician) although not actually optician.
Six months ago I saw a patient.
This patient had mental health problems and said he often suffers from psychotic episodes triggered by cannabis use.
After this I saw this patient on a few occasions in the Caffè Nero on the high Street where I work in my lunch hour and the patient would say hi which I would reply to.

However after this I seemed to be seeing this man every single time in the coffee shop. The patient would then try to make conversation after saying hi.
I am getting increasingly fed up of this man and really do not wish to say hello to him anymore. But am worried that I am being unreasonable?

On the last couple of occasions I have not responded to his hello but he still persists in saying hello until I respond?
Last week I refused to respond despite repeated hellos and since then he no longer says hello but stares a very intimidating stare everytime he sees me on the high Street / in the coffee shop?
I am feeling really anxious about seeing him as I do see him twice a week?
Was I unreasonable to not want to respond to his hello and what can I do now when I see him and he stares unpleasantly??

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 03/01/2018 19:34

Is there anyone from work that you can have coffee with? Twice a week every week would get my back up as well, and why would you want to say hello to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. I think some of the other PPs are being a bit unfair as this hasn’t been once or twice but you’re seeing him every time you go out.

Now if he worked in costa I’d say YABU but the fact he seems to be seeking you out is completely different. I’d speak to the police for advice as he seems to know your working pattern and you shouldn’t be made to feel unsafe of uncomfortable every lunch break. If he has a mental health it doesn’t excuse his actions in making you feel intimidated. Have you spoken to anyone at your work about this? He was a client of theirs as well and they have a duty of care to you.

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/01/2018 19:34

Definitely stalker-ish.
Change your routine at work if possible and see if it still happens. You may need to start documenting the dates/times/details of these encounters with him.

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2018 19:35

Cantuccit how do you know he's not in the coffee shop every lunchtime?

Nicknacky · 03/01/2018 19:36

bunbun There is zero the police can do at this point. A man and a woman being in the same coffee shop at lunchtime is not a police matter.

They will tell her to alter her routine which is what she has been advised here. And them see what happens.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 19:38

It's not fair to you OP. I hope someone qualified in MH can advise you on the best response should he approach you again.

Hopefully he loses interest and you can go about your business in peace Brew

lurkingnotlurking · 03/01/2018 19:38

Trust your instincts. It's what they are for

Coconutspongexo · 03/01/2018 19:38

I don’t think he is acting stalkerish if I’m being honest.

I’d just say to him sorry I don’t feel comfortable having a relationship of any capacity outside of when you was my patient.

ijustwannadance · 03/01/2018 19:38

It is in no way normal behaviour to constantly keep trying to get the attention of someone who clearly isn't interested.
The staring is just weird.

Nctothisfornow · 03/01/2018 19:39

Maybe he has asd or something and doesnt pick up on social cues as well as others.

I think if it was stalkerish he would have stepped it up and at least been spotted outside of OPs work etc.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 19:42

Worra, but it's not just the coffee shop, is it? OP says he has approached her in other shops and also gives her intimidating looks in the high street.

With things like this, you have to go with your instincts.

ColonelJackONeil · 03/01/2018 19:42

I think it's too late now to just go back to saying Hi. You were rude to him by ignoring him but ordinarily someone who got their feelings hurt would just take it and avoid you in future. However since this man has some MH/drug problems he may react unpredictably. I would probably just avoid the area for some time.

Nicknacky · 03/01/2018 19:45

cant But it's either a coincidence or he is following her and at this stage no one knows. People are creatures of habit, why is it unbelievable to think he might have his own routine where their paths cross?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 19:45

I agree that ignoring repeated hellos and basically acting like he isn't there is really weird behaviour. It's perfectly understandable that finding that you wouldn't want to regularly go to the same coffee shop as a patient because you'd rather avoid having to engage in small talk. But surely the answer would be to use one of the other 1000000 coffee shops that are on every high street. Christ you probably wouldn't have to walk more than a few blocks to find another branch of Costa!

Nctothisfornow · 03/01/2018 19:46

Maybe he thinks you are stalking him and that is why he has resorted to giving you funny looks

BringMeTea · 03/01/2018 19:47

OP YANBU. Not at all. Not sure why people are trying to make you in the wrong here. You find it creepy. He has stared at you in an intimidating way. His feelings are not relevant. You owe him jack shit.

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2018 19:48

Yeah he sees her in the high street and in some shops, which is completely normal if you live locally.

The OP suddenly turned ignorant towards him by refusing to at least nod and then bury her head in her phone, which is what the majority of people tend to do, when they don't want to talk to someone.

I think that sort of behaviour (ignoring repeated hellos all of a sudden), is just as strange, if not stranger Cantuccit.

Still I'm sure he'll get the message and probably just worry he's said or done something to upset her.

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 03/01/2018 19:49

I am fucking sick of women having to go to different coffee shops/change their route/avoid certain streets because some creep has become fixated on them. It has happened to me.
Me Too, - remember? or has everyone forgotten already?

rothbury · 03/01/2018 19:49

why I should have to change my routine???

Erm, because this man is making you feel uncomfortable?

He isn't doing anything illegal and may be entirely harmless, but I understand it's creeping you out.

Either you change your routine for a month or so and see if that re-sets his behaviour, or you carry on as you are.

HermioneAndMsJones · 03/01/2018 19:50

I work and live in the same place.
I never see patients or ex patients in the high street on such a regular basis.
Maybe once or twice and not even for each person I see.

This patient is either spending a lot of time in the high street OR spend special time to try and see the OP.

OP I would contact your professional organisation for some advice.
I would also record what is happening.
My feeling would be to talk to him and tell him that its unsuitable to have long discussions like this pin the high street. You need to state what is and isn’t acceotable to him as his boundaries are clearly blurred (which isn’t unusual with people with MH issues)

Coconutspongexo · 03/01/2018 19:52

You’re being told to change your routine to see if he’s stalking you or it’s a coincidence.

You can’t really do much atm if you just happen to bump into each

llangennith · 03/01/2018 19:52

YANBU. I’d feel uneasy too and also rather irritated by someone tying to force me to engage with them.
Psychotic episodes are quite scary if you’re the focus of them so I can quite understand your reluctance to acknowledge him.
I think you need to stop going to the area you keep seeing him for a few weeks then when you go back there totally ignore him, in a very confident and assertive manner.

Nicknacky · 03/01/2018 19:52

pomp don't dare compare this to sexual assault/rape. If she wants to avoid seeing him then yes, she has to change coffee shop. We don't know he is fixated on her. She used to speak to him, now he she doesn't and he has tried to talk to her. At the point we don't know if there is a major issue.

Coconutspongexo · 03/01/2018 19:52

I see my psychiatrist a lot btw in my local city centre like maybe 4 times a week... I don’t say hi though but I’m not that type of person anyway

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 19:53

Saying hello and trying to pass the time of day isn't being fixated though.
I used to regularly go to a coffee shop at lunch time and it was mainly the same characters I saw in there because they worked nearby and went in there at lunch time. I managed to say 'hello' and 'it's cold today isn't it' without assuming the whole shop was stalking me.
He's not outside her workplace (without working there) or her house or something. He's in a public coffee shop that a lot of people will go in at roughly the same time every day.

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 19:54

Im still confused by the working in the coffee shop in your lunch hour, Im gonna assume you mean paperwork or something as opposed to a second job?

OP. the only thing that matters really is that its making you uncomfortable, yes you could argue that on the one hand perhaps in his mind you have suddenly been exceptionally rude to him by ignoring him however his feelings are not your responsibility.

Mumsnets a funny old place, if you posted this a different day there would be cries of trust your instinct, dont be nice just because you're a women and conditiioned to be that way , read the Gift of Fear etc etc

At the end of the day you are a woman alone who is being bothered by a drug taking man who has had previous psychotic episodes making his behaviour unpredictable who appears to be singling you out and it may well be completely innocent on his part but that doesnt mean you have to acquiesce like a good woman.