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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be doing more about this?

278 replies

TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:39

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

OP posts:
Rubyslippers7780 · 03/01/2018 17:40

It is their money to do what they like..including leaving it to the cat and dog home. No one elses buisness.

Julie8008 · 03/01/2018 17:41

Seems pretty fair to give their children half each.

UnitedKungdom · 03/01/2018 17:42

This is tricky but I think it's a matter for your DH's parents to decide. And 'inheritance' being split between your DH and his sister fairly is probably the right thing. I'd say you're a bit disappointed your kids aren't getting more but neither you or they are entitled to that money.

Sirzy · 03/01/2018 17:42

It is there money to do with as they please.

If people start arguing over it while they are alive I hope they leave it to a charity they care about.

At the moment it is nobodies money but there’s. If they choose to leave some to their grandchildren then that’s lovely but you can’t force it.

anyoldname76 · 03/01/2018 17:43

i think its pretty fair tbh, a bit money grabbing and i wouldnt do it if i were in sil shoes as id rather any neices or nephews get a good start in life

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:44

There is other money and are other assets set aside obviously for each child - this fund was just started 20 odd years ago specifically to fund their grandchildren’s university education. It just so happens that only we have had children.

PIL and DH have both stayed they aren’t happy about it but don’t want to argue with SIL (she’s a formidable character).

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 03/01/2018 17:44

Well, given that they're your children and ultimately your responsibility to provide for, and the money is theirs to spend as they wish, you are coming across as a bit grabby (so is SIL - frankly I find it ridiculously spoiled when any adult starts making claims on their still-very-much-alive parents' money)

I mean if they'd never mentioned the University fund and just offered you and your in-laws a sum of cash each you'd presumably not be complaining?

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 03/01/2018 17:44

If its a fund specifically for education then ask her what she will be studying?

NomsQualityStreets · 03/01/2018 17:44

Well if the fund has been specifically created for the DGCs then I think she's being a bit of a CF to try and cash in on it especially as your DH isn't getting it - it's meant for your DCs education.

But as other posters have mentioned it's up to your PILs what they do with their money.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/01/2018 17:45

It's fair surely. Each of your pil children get a sum of money to do what they want with. Why should your DH benefit more than his sister?

Rebeccatheold · 03/01/2018 17:46

It was your choice to have children, just as it was her choice not to. So you should shoulder the brunt of the financial cost!

It’s your PIL’s money to do what they like with and you need to butt out.

Outlookmainlyfair · 03/01/2018 17:46

Agreed with PPs.

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:48

mumonashoestring I definitely wouldn’t be complaining if it hadn’s been previously outlined that this was for grandchildren’s education, so perhaps you’re right.

I don’t think I’m particularly grabby - I just think I’m tired of SIL being and this has tipped me over the edge. She has for example put postits on PILs expensive items just to make sure they go to her Hmm I wouldn’t be bothered if she had them but I don’t think she should be labelling them before they’ve even died!

OP posts:
Weezol · 03/01/2018 17:48

What Figs said. It's a specific education fund. Maybe remind all the adults involved that they may be taxed on the money.

Chchchchangeabout · 03/01/2018 17:50

I think YABU. Firstly not your money. Secondly not your parents/siblings. Thirdly I think sister's suggestion perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:50

Okay, clearly IABU.

I suppose my thinking was that a fund set aside for GC (before any GC were even born, so it wasn’t to be known that only one side should have them!) should go to GC, not the children who are being offered separate things anyway. I can’t imagine doing this to any of my nieces and nephews so I guess it’s just a matter of opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:52

FWIW it was never going to DH’s step children (my other biological children - who are 18 and 12) so I really don’t think I’m being grabby. I just struggled to understand her perspective but thanks all for helping!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/01/2018 17:53

It sounds a very complicated way of doing things anyway as how do they plan on ensuring the split between grandchildren is fair or there is enough for everyone?

mewkins · 03/01/2018 17:53

I think that your sister in law's suggestion is much fairer. It was your decision to have 4 kids. You are effectively diminishing the amount she is due to inherit the more kids you have.

Willswife · 03/01/2018 17:54

My parents are very much of the thinking that everything should be split evenly and that my brother and I are treated the same.

As an example, when I was single and my brother was married with two children, they would spend on me as an individual what they spent on my brothers family.

My brother and I have always been treated the same. In your example my parents would give half the fund to me. (Although it wouldn't happen now as I have a husband and two children now so we are even!)

RadioGaGoo · 03/01/2018 17:55

I don't get it. If it was set up for the grandchildren's education, why does SIL get half? It's not inheritance.

DeleteOrDecay · 03/01/2018 17:56

The sister sounds grabby imo!

That was money for their grandchildren's education, not for you or your dh. So why should she get half?

Seems like your in-laws have agreed with her which is fair enough it's their money. But the sister had no right to stick her nose in, there will be other money/assets to inherit she just sounds greedy.

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:57

Sirzy it’s not a massive amount - just a small contribution to educational ventures. I think there’s about £3500 in the fund in total, so in this case £900 to each child, which will now be closer to £450 towards educational ventures.

They don’t tend to give a lot to GC because SIL complains a lot about the inequality of spending (ie no Christmas presents! Only birthday presents.) so it seemed like a nice idea to me, seeing as I believe they should be considered relatives separate from DH/SIL. It just seems SIL doesn’t perceive them that way.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2018 17:57

Yabu.

I would be pretty cross if I was given much less than an equal share of my parents inheritance if I made a choice not to have dc.

Mumof56 · 03/01/2018 17:58

given that they're your children and ultimately your responsibility to provide for

I agree with this. I'm don't think expecting your husband's parents to provide for your children is reasonable. It's their money to do what they want with.

Your husband's parents relationship with their daughter is their business

she and her husband decided not to have children As far as you have been told

their income is actually significantly higher than ours
Not relevant

so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!
Hmm