To think DH should be doing more about this?

[TabbyTigger]

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

Thank you SuziePink! (And others who’ve shared my frustration - I just couldn’t respond individually to everyone because of the flood of responses).

I’ve thought of some examples in which this was the other way round - PILs always agreed to pay for 50% of each child’s wedding/s. SILs marriage was a lavish affair with plenty of guests and a big party, so 50% of those costs were more than 50% of DH’s first marriage, which featured 5 guests (immediate family only). PILs then offered to contribute to our wedding, but we said no as DH pointed out they’d already contributed to his first wedding and we didn’t want anything big anyway. It was bigger than his first wedding (mainly down to my huge family) but still not as big as SIL’s, and we rejected the offer of any contribution from them. So in total, SIL’s marriages have cost them more. Should we ask for the difference to be paid to us?

Perhaps a more direct example - she bought a house and wanted to redecorate it so she could rent it as a holiday cottage, PILs paid totally for this project and have asked for nothing back. Should we ask for the exact amount they spent on that to be given to us?

No. And we never would. I can’t imagine doing that. And it is the same principle.

Your SIL is either bonkers or (pop psychology alert) a deeply unhappy person with all sorts of unresolved sibling-rivalry issues.

It's the Christmas present thing that I find extraordinary. I don't have children; my brother has 3. Our parents are now dead, but it never occurred to me to moan when they gave my DNs presents. Maybe I should work out what was spent on them over the years and invoice them/my brother for my share of their ill-gotten gains?

Anyway, OP, I think you're right that it's best to let the 'education fund' thing go.

And best wishes for the new baby in February (

Your SIL is either bonkers or (pop psychology alert) a deeply unhappy person with all sorts of unresolved sibling-rivalry issues.

I’m 100% beginning to think a mix... (the salsa class paying was bonkers, but most of the “equality” stuff is sibling rivalry I’d say)

It's the Christmas present thing that I find extraordinary.

What this thread has made me realise is how it had become normal to me - after the first 5 years of fighting it I just accepted it. All your responses has just brought back all my frustrations and reminded me how utterly ridiculous it is!!

How is the relationship btwn sil and dc? She sounds unhappy. My dh has 3 siblings. His db has no family and wants for nothing bc he's been given everything. He's also inheriting all assets. Families are sometimes horrid. It's not a large enough amount to really quibble, but your sil sounds awful. If she loved your dc, she wouldn't be so greedy?

This thread is incredible:
My DB has three kids, my parents have given them a lot of the years and Me and DP have got very little - and i would never dream of asking for a split on any money/gifts set aside for them in the future. (Unless I was feeling particularly horrible)
In my opinion, YADNBU Op! I would contest it more! (And I’m quiet shocked at the people saying she is entitled to it? But that may just be me!)

Your pil are missing out in a fun part of life bc of their crazy dd. She's emotionally selfish and cruel. I enjoy buying gifts for my grand niece and nephew. Your sil needs a good talking to. that she's loved but needs to back off!

Your children have been in your DH's and your PiL's lives for a long time though. If it were me I'd be treating them like my biological children/grandchildren. None of the family you have married into sound particularly nice.

someone mentioned my two kids - they are very resented by SIL. She particularly took a dislike to my DD12 and got incredibly angry when our PILs bought expensive tickets to see DD (more than once) when she was in a West End show, and when she was in a UK tour. We paid for them to go to each once, and they chose to go another two times to one production and once more to the other. She was very cross at them for “caring so much about someone they’re not even related to” and made really snide remarks for weeks after. She really liked DH’s ex-W also and sees me adopted DD13 as stealing her child, when in reality ex-W abandoned and agreed for me adopt her. She’s seen her approximately twice since DD was 6 months old.

This ^ was exactly what I was about to post: if the loving grandparents decided, as many loving grandparents do at Christmas, to buy your family six tickets to the panto, would SIL be huffing that she deserved six tickets too?

She sounds like she has a greedy sense of entitlement that is dog in the manger. How dare she intrude on how your PILs decide to treat the children?

FWIW, my mum has long retired from buying individual gifts for her 17 grandchildren, and gives each adult child a modest cheque for Christmas. I would never dream of questioning my siblings on how much they get. As my mother is extremely democratic, I guess it is the same per child. But because it is her gift, it is her decision; I will put mine towards a day out for the children, and my childless sister will enjoy a nice dinner out with her husband.

But a fund for college fees - I think it is bizarre that your SIL would insist on diluting it for no other reason than greed. Well, there is another reason, and that is malevolence. What a selfish person she must be.

I can’t believe people think the SIL is right

And this is NOT inheritance money! The GP’s would like to make a small contribution to their GC’s education. As they are entitled to do if they wish as its THEIR money.

Bloody hell. I’m embarrassed for your SIL. She should be ashamed of herself. A grown woman being jealous of children receiving Christmas presents from their GP’s

They need to tell her to pull her head. Now.

My GP’s have left my DB and I 20k each in their will. They have also left 20k each to my 2 DC. My DB hasn’t kicked off that I’m getting 60k to his 20k because I’m not. My DC and I are 3 seperate people.

My MIL gives her GC £50 each for their birthdays. We have two DC, SIL has 4. Imagine if we demanded our DC were given £100 each so it was ‘fair’

YADNBU OP

I don’t think the SIL is ‘right’.

I simply don’t think it is the OP’s business to tell her PIL what to do with their money.

I think she should keep right out of it.

It’s very odd, to the point you wonder whether there’s something else going on that you don’t know about.

SIL banging on about fairness makes this all about the dynamics of her and DH as children of the pil. There’s no room for anyone else. I wonder what her DH makes of it all.

FWIW I think she’s mental, and I hope your pils are just saying what they need to say to keep the peace, but will do what they consider fit for each member of their family, however they define that. No one family member should hold so many other family members to ransom like this.

SIL has no 'claim' to the money as it's going to grandchildren, not children to then be passed down. This bizarre thinking could be extended to spending equal amounts on each Christmas presents, for example, £100 split between your children and £100 split between SIL, but as she has no children she gets a £100 bonus.

YANBU - how dare she dictate how her parents spend their money all the time. If they set up a fund for their grandchildren’s education then the grandchildren should have that money regardless of who their parents are - it’s the grandparent/grandchild relationship that’s important here. If she had 5 kids and your DH had 2, I bet she’d expect 5/7 of the pot, not half split five ways. She doesn’t sound very nice or easy to live with. You have my sympathy.
I hope all those saying she is reasonable are expecting their children to make their financial decisions in the future? I wouldn’t dream of telling my mum how to spend hers.

I just read the bit where the Christmas money is split in the exact scenario I described! She is unbelievable. Take solitude in to be so resentful must be pretty miserable.

Agree with husky here. SIL's behaviour is undoubtedly warped with greed, but the PILs are very much entitled to distribute as they please. So for that I'm afraid, you are best letting this one go.
Most parents would be keen to ensure they treat their offspring equally, grandkids or not.

Those saying the PIL can distribute as they please are missing that they aren't distributing as they please. They are being manipulated into giving the SIL a share to keep the peace. If they were truly doing as they wish they'd stick to the original gesture of grandchildren only.

You are in effect saying that you are more deserving than your in laws because you have children and they don't [you are not]; and that how your parents in law dispose of their assets is any of your business [it isn't]. Butt out.

Hardly, Geordie, given that the money was earmarked to go directly to the children themselves; not to the op because she has children?

I agree with Husky as well, in that it's not right to tell anyone how they should spend their money.

But I feel OP and her DH can point out to SIL (away from PIL) that her behaviour is distasteful, hurtful, and crass. Every time she pipes up about the money being spent on GC, she's devaluing them, and kids pick up on this.

I can't believe how many people agree that SIL has a right to be annoyed. She didn't earn her parents' money! It's not inheritance, it's their money! If they choose to spend every last penny before they die, then they should damn well be able to without grabbers making them feel bad.

We have a right to some of our parents' money when we're children in their care. (It's fair to expect to be fed and clothed, etc) That's as far as the responsibility goes. Any further monetary contributions are gifts (or loans).

@munchkinbug, they aren't getting to choose though. They are being manipulated into giving the SIL a share. Their original and true choice is for the GCs. No one else.

@NewPapaGuinea I agree, but I'm saying they should be allowed to choose, and that OP can tell SIL this.

Ah gotcha, just reread your post and now get what you mean.

Geordie you’ve misinterpreted - read again. This is not inheritance. This is a separate amount that will be passed on before GPs die.

NewPapaGuinea it’s really quite ironic that the situation you described is exactly what happens

Smitff DH thinks she’s bitter but does feel guilt about their childhood, which is how she gets away with it. It’s interesting because they all seem to justaccept that him being ill and needing treatment (and then being good at a niche hobby) meant she got less attention, but not that perhaps being ill as a child for DH was also difficult and scary for him. It seems like she’s almost jealous of him having been ill.

Tinkly until recently we all had a really good relationship wih my DCs dad and they saw him relatively frequently (alternating one night midweek plus weekend and two nights midweek). DH and my DC get on very well, and they get along with PILs too (as shown by them wanting to come and DD’s shows multiple times, and they’ve come to performances of DS’s too) but there was no need for him to be a “dad” really - they had that. This dynamic might change now their biological dad has decided to bow out of the picture

Husky I am not planning on getting involved. I’ve not once told anyone how to distribute their money - I’ve objected a few times to SILs demand but never as much as I’d like to because I don’t want to upset anyone or ruin the peace they all value so highly. I am planning on being internally indignant at SIL controlling the money PILs give to their GC for their education and silently hoping that DH and PILs will say “actually, that doesn’t make sense so we won’t be doing it”. It’s unlikely but a girl can dream...

AbbyLee relationship betweeb SIL and my DC who are 5 and 2 is very good because she’s good with children, they enjoy spending time with her. Relationship between SIL and my DC who are 18 and 12 verg distant and awkward, SIL makes it clear she doesn’t care for them or consider them part of the family. Relationship between SIL and DD13 used to be good but has gone downhill since DD has clocked some of the greed and SIL mentions DD’s mum sometimes and sniggers or comments when DD calls me mum, which upsets DD an awful lot and makes me cross.

SIL and I get along okay on face value but I do think she’s selfish and don’t like how she talks to some of my children. That said, DD5 and DD2 think she’s great.
SIL and DH get along okay. There’s just bitterness and guilt between them

Relationship between SIL and DD13 used to be good but has gone downhill since DD has clocked some of the greed and SIL mentions DD’s mum sometimes and sniggers or comments when DD calls me mum, which upsets DD an awful lot and makes me cross. Well that shows what a bitch she is. Who would do that to a child, what a vile woman.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all and your sil sounds like an arsehole.