To think DH should be doing more about this?

[TabbyTigger]

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

Yes I’ve just realised I’ve seen her being like this on other threads - I’m going to stop responding because it’s just circles!

The matter remains that they have never been able to buy proper presents for DC because SIL objects to it out of fear PIL might spend slightly more on them than on her.
She sounds bonkers.

RavingRoo In this case it’s the children which children who are moaning that parents’ carer has inherited No one has inherited anything, the PIL are alive and kicking and want to give their GC, not the children with children, a few hundred quid.

I don't think going round once a week and cooking a meal makes you a carer, the government certainly expects alot more than that before they give sixty odd pounds a week i.e. minimum of 35 hrs a week.

There is other money and are other assets set aside obviously for each child

Oh, well, obviously.

But they are not dead yet and people are already discussing who gets what!!!?? They aren’t ill or anything are they OP? I feel I’m on a different planet. Seriously - what a morbid thing to do! SIL sounds like a spoilt child.

Oh, well, obviously.

Um I think it is relatively obvious - why would £3500 for GC education be the only thing owned by PILs that was going to be passed on?!?

They are admittedly a wealthy, very generous couple who give what I think is a lot to their children. My parents died when I was very young so I have nothing to compare but I certainly think they’re more generous than they need to be.
BUT that doesn’t take away from the fact that SIL is obsessed with GC not getting anything just for them because she perceives it as inequality. Which I don’t agree with.

If each child got £900 instead of £450 towards their education I’m not going to then spend less because of that. It will be their money on top of whatever DH and I give. It surely isn’t unusual to contribute gifts or contribute financially to grandchildren as individuals, which is what SIL objects to.

And grannytomine she absolutely isn’t a carer, you’re right. PIL don’t need a carer, they can’t use the oven very well because it’s new and repeat themselves a lot, but having SIL round once a week and us once a fortnight, plus daily phone calls (which we mostly field) are more than enough for them. They’re not taxing by any means and have plenty of other visits from friends, neighbours, and MIL’s sister.

But they are not dead yet and people are already discussing who gets what!!!?? They aren’t ill or anything are they OP? I feel I’m on a different planet. Seriously - what a morbid thing to do! SIL sounds like a spoilt child.

Not even close to dying! Their family discuss money and inheritance very openly (and frequently, I often get bored by their finance discussions). I thought the sticky labels/postits were really morbid!!

The conversation about this arose because they mentioned after our next is born (in Feb) that they would distribute the money across the children’s existing accounts for future educational purposes. That’s when SIL kicked off and made the demands for 50% of the saving.

Tbh I think your il's are a bit odd.

Why would they accept not buying their grandchildren a Christmas present? If they were that bothered they could give your SIL the equivalent of what they spend on your family?

It doesn't sound as though there is any need for financial tension, but their behaviour is fuelling it. Why even tell SIL about the education fund?

Are you sure they're not the ones driving this and using SIL as the scapegoat? If their leaving more to her in their will the why do they need fairness and equality for this (comparatively small) amount? Is it their financial favouritism of your SIL behind it?

I don't agree with the unequal splitting of the will either. I do a lot more for my parents due to circumstances and distance. I don't feel that my sibling deserves less because of this.

Did she actually kick off infront of everybody?

If they were that bothered they could give your SIL the equivalent of what they spend on your family?

They did, £2000 to each family

I find it astonishing that weekly visits and cooking them a meal is counted as so very much more valuable than fortnightly visits to stock the freezer and having them at yours once a month, plus fielding daily phone calls. SIL has brainwashed you all.

That said, your PIL sound lovely and this dynamic where whatever SIL wants she gets seems so deeply engrained that I doubt you'll ever change it, so I’d try to let every aspect of it wash over you as peacefully as you do their inheritance plans. (No Christmas gifts for GC as unfair to her )

Willswife there’s a lot of guilt on the PIL’s half that they spent more on DH when DH and SIL were children because he was ill for a period of time (they paid for various treatments) and because he was very good at a relatively specific hobby which involved paying for training and travelling to partake in competitions as a teen. I think there’s always been a sense that, as SIL missed out when they were kids, she should now get more back, which I’m not going to dispute. Plus the more frequent visits.

Needs she did kick off in front of everybody, including my 13yo who would receive! Then she’s brought it up almost every week since it was first mentioned (in passing, she then picked it up and blew up).

Anathema That is what we’ll have to do to keep the peace really. PILs are lovely, they just want a quiet life!! The Christmas gifts thing really riled me up when I first realised. Almost 10 years on and I’ve learnt to just accept it, but I did make passive aggressive comments (on DD13’s behalf, when she was just 4/5) for the first few years

I know my parents have left a little bit of money in their will for my nephews and nieces, 6 in total. I don't have any children yet it would never occur to me I should get some extra as I don't have children. This is my parents wish for their grandchildren. I would feel the same if they had saved for education for their grandchildren.

I believe that the money should be for the GCs Education. No 'Ifs and buts. It just is.
A precautionary tale: My Grandfather left 'money' in his will to see my DF through his education. Unfortunately, by the time he died my DF was already quite a senior academic and lost that part of the inheritance.
Update wills too.

So much angst over 900 now going to be £450. The £900 wouldn’t even get them a holiday or driving lessons never mind make-a dent in tuition fees etc.

I think if my child suggested we didn’t give Christmas presents to the grandchildren because she didn’t have any, id tell get to go boil her head. Your pil should have sat on her a long time ago. Nothing you can do about this situation, but I wouldn’t pretend pil have given my kids presents!

bimbo I know it’s not a huge amount but it’s not insignificant. My DS is in his first year at uni and feels starting with just over £800 saved from his part time job has made a difference - it just allows a little more flexibility, and is definitely enough for a student trip! He went interrailing in 4 cities for £600 last year. It’ll also be good if they do a subject with crazily expensive textbooks, or if they need a bus pass, or if they want to join societies. I’m not so much bothered about the amount as I am about the obsession over equality and her taking about £1800 from this fund specifically established for GCs (her nieces) education, just because she didn’t have children and it’s therefore somehow “not fair”. I don’t think her not having DC means PIL should never give their GC anything or pay for anything for them.

If my parents had been in the position to do this I cant imagine my sibling with no children objecting in such a way, or me begrudging my siblings with 7 and 8 children any extra just so it was “fair”. This would never even occur to me.

Money really does bring out the worst in people. I would just let it go and remember what she is like. It's not worth rowing over but I wouldn't want this person in my daily life.

means PIL should never give their GC anything or pay for anything for them

This Christmas they also gave both families £2000 for future trips and holidays

Money really does bring out the worst in people

It certainly does

None of your business who they give their money to.

Mumof56 you know full well you’ve cropped quotes to suit your conclusion.

They do give things to their GC. But they don’t give things specifically to their GC because everything has to also be given to SIL. The £2000 to each family is an amount they have saved to give to both DH and SIL for trips holidays. I have repeatedly stated that we are grateful for that - but it isn’t going directly to GC. It isn’t for them, £2000 are for DH and £2000 are for SIL. They can spend it as they see fit. If DH wants to spend it to take DC away then he can, but he is actually most likely to spend it going to New York some time next year to see his best friend who moved three years ago, and maybe visit a few other US cities he’s he’s always wanted to go to while there. Tell me how that benefits the GC?

Equally if SIL wants to spend it taking her husband somewhere, she can. If she wants to go somewhere alone, she can. The money can benefit him, but it doesn’t have to. It doesn’t mean he’s been given it.

Mumof56 you know full well you’ve cropped quotes to suit your conclusion

No I haven't

This Christmas they also gave both families £2000 for future trips and holidays

First you said the money was given to the family. Just because your dh might choose to go to new York and a few other American cities with it doesn't make it any less a gift for the family.

Mumof56 yes, the money was a “gift to the family” but that doesn’t make it a gift to the GC, it ultimately is DH’s decision on what to do with it. SIL and her H received the exact same gift so I don’t see why this has wound you up so much. I don’t even know what your point is any more.

yes, the money was a “gift to the family” but that doesn’t make it a gift to the GC

Ah, Ok you don't consider your children part of your family

So what if SIL got the same? You seem to think that cancels out the gift your family was given.