To think DH should be doing more about this?

[TabbyTigger]

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

our family was involved in a complicated trust fund with similar issues. There were separate funds for my mother's generation and our generation, but 2 of my mother's generation did not have children so have made a claim on the fund for our generation which they are now being given.

For your own sanity, please please let it go. It will only bring pain for you and your PIL.

Well the SIL is hardly supporting her parents wishes at the moment!

and they were ready to distribute the money to the GC

Your 13 year old is going to university?

It sounds like OP's DC weren't going to get any money any way (as they are not biological GC) so I don't see how she is being grabby?

She never stood to get a penny, but obviously sees her her DSC missing out.

So if you PIL left you £250k , are you going to hand it over, or honor their wishes?

I am going to move to Guatemala and leave DH to deal with it

Situp don’t worry, the mixed view on this thread has told me to just leave it. I was never really going to challenge it, just wanted to vent and maybe mention to my DH that he should make SIL’s dinner extra spicy when she comes over this weekend.

I think you will have to lave leave it tabby. I am not sure there is much you can do.

My parents made separate provision for their grandchildren (for university fees or house deposit - whatever) and the residue of their estate (if there is any after care fees etc) will be divided between my brother and me.

He has five children and I have two, but I haven't demanded more for my two children, as it is (a) separate provision, (b) my parents' money and therefore their choice and (c) it would be greedy and unreasonable to do so.

YANBU - especially as she is getting the lion's share of the estate.

I’m sorry have I read this correctly - your DC don’t get Christmas presents from their grandparents because your SIL kicked off about it?

Read it the same way.

Op, your SIL is one grabby mare (post-it notes? wtf is that all about) with a heavy dose of childish spitefulness. Does she watch every penny that goes out of inlaws bank account?

I take the lead in looking after my own frail mother I'd never assume that doing this would result in a larger share from her will. I do it cos I love my mother and I want to help her.

Mumof56 you seem really fun, I’d like to invite you to my next birthday party

They just want to transfer it into DCs separate accounts in the next year so it’s dealt with and then it can just not be touched for 5+ years. Or if it looks like a DC won’t head down the University path, then I’m sure PIL wouldn’t object to it going toward tutoring/extra curriculars/a school trip. I’ll be sure to check with them though, before you tell me to not assume anything

Your SIL sounds awful, demanding equality when it suits her and inequality when it doesn't.

They are your ils, what they do with their money is no concern of yours.
Why aren't you happy that your dc are getting a hand up?
I bloody well know I would be, don't be so greedy.

You say your dc get no Christmas presents from gps yet ye got 2000 to go towards trips and fun. Is that not a Christmas present? I don't know why there is such a fuss over 450 as considering the expenses attached to going to college its not worth thinking about. Leave it off.

I actually do agree with you, this was money meant for your DC's education.

Could it be that their grandparents initially phrased it in a slightly unclear way? "This is a fund to help our DC pay for their DC's education?

And the fact that this is transferred to your bankaccount does make this whole set up seem a bit... unprecise / blurry. It implies imo that this is supposed to help you pay for your children and not directly for the DC...

Opening accounts everytime a child is born is what my DSis' grandmother did.

Whereas my father (my DSis and I have different fathers) set up monthly "stipends". Also directly transferred to my bank account (after my 18th birthday).

So, whilst I do indeed see where you're coming from... I really wouldn't make a fuss about this. Your DH might calmly and firmly remind DSis that this is about education and not for the parents but that's it.

OR he might suggest that his parents open bank accounts for their grandchildren..

But I'd be careful. Having a peaceful family situation is very valuable as well imo. (and it's not like this is a lot of money...)

They just want to transfer it into DCs separate accounts in the next year so it’s dealt with and then it can just not be touched for 5+ years. Or if it looks like a DC won’t head down the University path, then I’m sure PIL wouldn’t object to it going toward tutoring/extra curriculars/a school trip. I’ll be sure to check with them though, before you tell me to not assume anything

oops. In this case I misunderstood.

What about you and your DH opening education funds for all of your DC and everyone could just contribute "whatever" they want?

SIL will hardly begrudge your DC birthday or Christmas presents, will she?

junebirthdaygirl that same amount was given to SIL - they also said this was a sort of saving they’d been keeping until now. SIL very much demands total equality.

Freddie it’s not being transferred to us - it’s been left in one account for years, and is now going to be transferred to each child’s account once our next child (who is due in February and will be the last) is born. It’s okay though, DH, PIL, and I are all going to leave it so as not to cause family drama.

gilbeanz I am not greedy! That is totally unfair! I am delighted that this money has been left for DC and very grateful. But that doesn’t mean I think SIL has a right to half of it. It’s not about greed, it’s about the fact that they already contributed to her and DH’s educations. Why should they not also contribute (a relatively small amount anyway, before it gets halved) to their GCs if they want to?

SIL will hardly begrudge your DC birthday or Christmas presents, will she?

I don’t mean to come across really argumentative but, as explained upthread, she essentially does begrudge Christmas presents. DH has to use his Christmas present from PILs to ensure DC get Christmas presents so as to maintain the penny by penny equality demanded by SIL.

What about you and your DH opening education funds for all of your DC and everyone could just contribute "whatever" they want?

This is essentially what we have and this is essentially where the £900 each would have been transferred. Now £450 will be transferred instead. And we are letting this go and I am very grateful that they’re getting anything at all. I just resent that SIL demanded it be halved for her own gain. It seems selfish and isn’t something I would do to my own nieces and nephews.

Why should they not also contribute ... to their GCs if they want to?
But they are free to do that if they want. Could the parents be telling the son one thing (We want to give our GC all the money) and be telling the daughter a different thing (we want to give you an equal share)?

To be honest, the more I read the less I think the inheritance thing is bonkers compared to the Christmas presents. That is just weird.

Well, that's weird, OP.

At least imo. Being "fair" / reasonable does't always mean treating both children and their families exactly the same.

SIL is definitely being u.

But unless your PIL stand up to her....

Greed is so ugly... SIL sounds awful.
My DCs have an ed trust for uni set up by PILs for all their DGCs... one of their DCs has 3 children and the others 2 a piece so effectively one DC is “benefitting” more but no one sees it like that... the money is for the DGCs not the DCs.

Your SIL sounds like a complete twat. I thinks it's a good thing she doesn't have children imagine what spoilt brats they would be!

You say your dc get no Christmas presents from gps yet ye got 2000 to go towards trips and fun. Is that not a Christmas present?

Not enough of one

Mumof56 I’ve already explained that. It wasn’t and isn’t a Christmas present specifically to the GC, it was just the amount given to each family (DH’s and SIL’s at Christmas) because PIL had been saving that money to contribute to holidays and trips for both families. It was more than enough thank you. They are well off and both us and SIL are lucky to benefit from that. Not once have I implied otherwise.

The matter remains that they have never been able to buy proper presents for DC because SIL objects to it out of fear PIL might spend slightly more on them than on her. Furthermore, I have never received a Christmas present from PIL and don’t expect one. They’re not my parents. I think wanting my DC to be able to get presents from the only set of grandparents they have isn’t unreasonable. Most GC get presents do they not? And those who don’t it’s not because their aunt objects.

Mumof56 is just getting desperate for attention OP. She's known for this.