Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be doing more about this?

278 replies

TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:39

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 03/01/2018 18:15

I think it is really petty for her to be arguing about £3,500, I mean if your PIL were thinking of £40k per child (probably less than uni costs now) then I could see her thinking it was a bit unfair but half of £3,500?

RadioGaGoo · 03/01/2018 18:15

Also Mumof56, don't cherry pick. The OP clearly said she knew it would not go to her other DC.

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 18:15

Mumof56 DH’s 13 year old is not biologically mine. I adopted her st the age of 8.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 03/01/2018 18:16

I have children with children and children without. I know what the children without would get told if they started dictating about what I could give my GC.

Mumof56 · 03/01/2018 18:18

This Christmas they also gave both families £2000 for future trips and holidays

You could use this for their education

Mumof56 · 03/01/2018 18:18

This Christmas they also gave both families £2000 for future trips and holidays

You could use this for their education

mewkins · 03/01/2018 18:18

Crikey! Now you've told us that SIL will get all of the estate I agree with You!!!

RavingRoo · 03/01/2018 18:18

@granny - In this case it’s the children which children who are moaning that parents’ carer has inherited Hmm

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/01/2018 18:20

I am confused now - if you adopted DH's 13 year old when they were 8 how do you have a 12 year old that isn't his?

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 18:21

Mumof56 it’s not the money I mined about! It’s the principle of taking from your nieces (really quite small amount of) educational funds. Their grandparents wanted to give them money - SIL doesn’t want them to get money if she doesn’t get the exact same amount.

OP posts:
Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 18:23

Sigh

DH had 13yo with his ex-wife. Ex-wife abandoned the family.

My ex-H left me when I was pregnant with my 12yo.

I met DH when 12 and 13yo were 2 and 3. DH and I married when 12 and 13yo were 6 and 7. Then I adopted 13yo, and DH and I had two more children (5+2yo together).

OP posts:
itshappening · 03/01/2018 18:23

I think it is up to your PIL what they do. Unfortunately for you, if they disagree with SIL but daren't stand up to her then it looks like she will get her way. I agree it would be fair for them to split estate between their children equally, regardless of which of the children has had dc. However, up to them. Also it seems they have already departed from that and are not dividing things equally. I would not have quibbled re the uni funds if I was SIL, but not sure there is much you can do now.

I don't think it matters if the dc go to uni or not, they can still use the money towards training or career progress.

southeastlondonmum · 03/01/2018 18:24

My father has made a substantial donation to a fund for both of my children (we also make contributions) and my brother who is childless by choice didn't even raise an eyebrow. My brother is actually quite stingy but accepts this is a reasonable thing to do as he sees investing in my children's future as a sensible move. My father also manages the accounts on a daily basis as he is retired and bored so they will probably have more money than us in the long run

singingdetective · 03/01/2018 18:24

How much education could they buy with £900 each? Hardly seems worth fighting about.

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 18:25

RavingRoo she isn’t their carer and I’m not complaining about their inheritance going to her so I don’t understand your point? I agree she deserves far more of the estate because she sees them more, and she is getting that. I don’t agree that she deserves half of a small fund set aside for her nieces’ education. I just don’t, but I accept that IABU to feel that way!’

OP posts:
BlueFleece · 03/01/2018 18:26

My DC will benefit from a similar arrangement. I don't see it in any way as my money; it's been left to the next generation. Your SIL is unreasonable.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/01/2018 18:27

I’m sorry have I read this correctly - your DC don’t get Christmas presents from their grandparents because your SIL kicked off about it?

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 18:30

I’m sorry have I read this correctly - your DC don’t get Christmas presents from their grandparents because your SIL kicked off about it?

You (unfortunately) have. Grandparents always give £100 each Christmas to both parents, and she objected that giving Christmas presents to the DC on top of this wasn’t fair. DH suggeated reneging his £100 for PIL to buy presents for DC, she objected that she couldn’t be sure the value was the same this way so would prefer DH and her to just be given the exact same. We decided to let it go and just spend the money on a day trip with DC and tell them granny and grandpa paid.

OP posts:
Nctothisfornow · 03/01/2018 18:31

Yanbu.
The money is for grandchildren, not children. It is as if your sil can not see her nieces and nephews as just that, but more like siblings. Its like sibling rivalry on a different scale.
Sil sounds jealous.
Its the children that are losing out because of her spoilt ways, but the grandparents are enabling this by agreeing with her.

I also dont see why she should get more just because she does more. I have a sister who has no involvement, at all with any of us. My dad will not give any less because we are all his children and i wouldnt expect him to either.

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 18:32

I don't see it in any way as my money; it's been left to the next generation.

Exactly how I feel - it’s not like it’ll be DH’s money. To me it is them wanting to give money to their grandchildren - they’ve staged for University but if DC don’t go I assume it can just be used for education.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 03/01/2018 18:32

Your SIL sounds like a spoilt child! How old is she?

allegretto · 03/01/2018 18:33

I don’t dispute that she deserves the whole estate and all her expensive items!

Why don't you dispute this? If it was the other way round I bet she would!

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 18:33

It is as if your sil can not see her nieces and nephews as just that, but more like siblings.

That’s what frustrates me - DC almost aren’t allowed to be grandchildren. They can’t be separate relatives, they have to be part of the “equality” game.

OP posts:
AnachronisticCorpse · 03/01/2018 18:33

Just for balance, my ILs have given all the GC £5k for university. We have three. Two of ours are technically DH’s step children (been together since they were toddlers).

BIL #1 has one child. BIL#2 has none.

Not one person has ever complained about it being unfair.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 03/01/2018 18:33

How does your SIL (or the PIL's, for that matter) justify splitting the tiny education fund straight down the middle but having the bulk of the inheritance going to her?

Swipe left for the next trending thread