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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I asked my guest to leave my home.

999 replies

bubblesdrew · 02/01/2018 22:44

We built a house a couple of fields away from some neighbours.

I met the husband at the local shop a couple of months after we got settled & after some chat asked if him and his wife would like to join us, friends & family for a New Years Eve dinner.

His wife and himself arrived that night and they were initially great. During conversation she asked for a tour of the house and I said no (not in a rude way). 20 minutes later she said again that she would like a tour of the house and again I said no. Then a THIRD time she asked and at that point my husband stepped in and said that there wouldn't be a tour.

She used the bathroom numerous times in the night which is located under the stairs. My niece was in our room at the top of the stairs past the closet which eventually leads into the master bedroom.

This woman had climbed the stairs later in the night when she asked to be excused for the bathroom went through my closet and into the master bedroom. My niece flew down and told my husband who marched upstairs and quietly asked her to leave. She claimed she was lost but, she had used the bottom bathroom all night!!
Should I have given her a tour or was she being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
frogsoup · 04/01/2018 21:01

Ah sorry, i cross-posted Tatiana

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 21:02

Dunno, the same way the neighbour got through life not understanding the meaning of the word 'no'.

In other words not having a fucking clue how to behave.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 04/01/2018 21:04

I work in a flower shop. If someone comes up to me and says " Hello, do you have any pink roses?" is it perfectly ok to just say "No." ?

Or would it make me sound like a rude stonewalling twat who didn't want to engage with you any further?

It would make you sound like someone who was uninterested in doing any business and could not care less if I came back to your shop. And I would not come back.

I would expect you to say something like

"No, sorry but I have these..." and offer suggestions which I might like or "No sorry, but I will be getting a delivery..."

Which of course from your post is what you would do.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 21:06

Yes, sorry poor Lady!

I started off addressing the obtuseness of boomboom and then thought what’s the point, and was struck by the absurdity of LadyOfTheCanyon having to explain this shit. Bad editing on my part.

BBTHREE76 · 04/01/2018 21:30

I haven’t read the whole thread but I am not understanding all the debate about saying just saying no is rude. For me this is very straightforward. If someone asked for a tour of my house and I said No then it’s a No. If they asked again it would still be no and if I caught them snooping I would be fuming. I can’t see personally that the OP did anything wrong.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/01/2018 21:39

I'm not being obtuse Tatiana. I'm disagreeing with you. You don't need to apologise or explain to be polite in a social setting, you need to engage in a friendly way. But you don't necessarily have to engage further in relation to your refusal. You can move things along with another subject.

For example -

Neighbour: "I don't suppose I could get a tour?"
OP:[surprised look as, for her, v. unexpected ] "No. Would you like a drink though? DH makes a mean martini?" [big smile, arm gesture towards the sideboard with drinks on].

frogsoup · 04/01/2018 21:56

Nope - rude, rude, rude. That's not opinion, that's established social fact. Someone's made a reasonable request to you and you haven't engaged AT ALL with it beyond a flat refusal. It's astonishingly ungracious. You aren't talking to a 5 year old! This is social skills 101!

Original poster
bubblesdrew · 04/01/2018 22:00

Very interesting reading all the replies.

OP posts:
frogsoup · 04/01/2018 22:03

Are you English boomboom? The only explanation that I can think of for this bizarre beat is that you are actually german or russian or from a similarly direct-request culture. That's the only situation in which I wouldn't be mortally insulted to get the response you describe to my polite request for a tour. I'm no snowflake, I just honestly can't remember the last time an adult refused a request without qualifying with an 'I'm sorry but' or similar.

frogsoup · 04/01/2018 22:04

sorry, bizarre debate, not beat!

BlackberryandNettle · 04/01/2018 22:07

Obviously haven't read thread as so long but I'd have wanted a tour too. Most people if they'd built a house would be dying to give yours as you'd have designed it all? Weird to ask three times and rude to go anyway though. Probably wouldn't have chucked them out as you'd be bound to see them again.

Original poster
bubblesdrew · 04/01/2018 22:10

@frogsoup The reason it was a flat no was because of the context of the conversation in the first instance. We were actually talking at the dinner party about tours in general. I had said that I would need my mother along as she was the one who designed the interior and she asked, 'So does that mean I'm not going to get a tour?' I laughed and said no & she laughed too. It's the context of the conversation that is important. Otherwise of course in general conversation I would know how to phrase things.
The second time was along the same lines of conversation and the third time (as I was a little surprised she asked) was a clear (but still lovely) no as at that point I knew I wasn't being clear enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblesdrew · 04/01/2018 22:13

@blackberryandnettle Chucking out sounds harsh. It wasn't that. It was a gentle conversation that we had on the stairs that I was uncomfortable with her going upstairs when I had said no but, the night was over anyway and we would meet them another time and thanks for coming etc. Not so much, 'Time to go' but, we will see you again soon. Nobody knows that they were asked to go and my family and other friends would feel the same as me.
I don't live in a village. I will speak away to her. It's no loss if to us if she is cross about it.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 22:38

Everybody they know in the whole area, their family, their dogs and their hamsters know they were asked to go by this point.

How is it possible to be this clueless? They will be dining out on this story for some time.

Btw why do you need your mother for a tour?

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 22:40

You were exceptionally obtuse boom, disagreement is a separate issue.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 22:41

No. Would you like a drink though?

Nope, still massively rude, frog is right.

Clearly someone needs to set up a school for this.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/01/2018 22:44

Born and bred frogsoup. Where I grew up (Midlands) we were relatively direct. Direct questions, direct answers. Being friendly and assuming good faith. I find the insistence that British culture is always convoluted to be very much outside my direct experience growing up though when I went off to university I saw more of this side of it and I tend to fit my responses to the group I'm with now.

In a response of: "No. But would you like x ?" What exactly are you taking offence at? You have your answer. You have a friendly engagement. What exactly are you finding rude?

frogsoup · 04/01/2018 22:54

Well all I can say is that if you're anywhere outside your bit of the midlands, add your qualifiers, because if you don't you'll be seen as breathtakingly rude by everyone you encounter. It's rude because if you make a reasonable request and somebody says no without even acknowledging it, you are left with the idea that you've asked something so astonishingly inappropriate that it doesn't even bear engaging with. Those are the only times when you wouldn't qualify for politeness - for instance I'd give a straight 'no' without qualification (except perhaps 'you must be fucking joking') if a friend randomly asked me to pop upstairs and have sex with him during a dinner party, or to give him 100 quid to buy marshmallows right this instant. In ALL other circumstances, you say 'no I'm really sorry, it's really messy/my daughter is asleep/the cat vomited on the carpet just before you turned up.' It takes five extra seconds and to me it's as essential a part of normal social interaction as saying please or thank you.

nevereverafter · 04/01/2018 23:03

OP.

I'm on your side with this thread. I'm glad you posted exactly how your 'No' was framed.

I don't know if the posters who seem so outraged about your 'No' will change their views. I doubt it. You had clearly stated you hadn't been rude or blunt and they didn't believe you so I don't know if they could possible accept they were wrong .....

It all sounds very reasonable on your part.

JessieMcJessie · 04/01/2018 23:31

Why are people not understanding that the rudeness of the OP’s flat “no” (which I still perceive rude despite her explanation) and the woman’s act of going on a self guided tour are COMPLETELY SEPARATE ISSUES?!

Nobody is saying “you were rude so she was entitled to poke around your house anyway”! Strewth.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 23:36

The idea that British manners are convoluted are a bit of red herring imo. It’s all very straightforward.

I have never been to country in which an unqualified no in this context would not be rude, where the OP’s behaviour would not be extraordinary - not France (where people can be more direct - but they still have good manners), Italy, Spain, Japan, India, Arab countries, not even Russia. It’s true people can be more forthright in Russia but they’re excellent, generous hosts. (Clearly there are arseholes in all countries).

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 23:38

Oh the Midlands that bastion of culture & good breeding. Doesn’t surprise me.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/01/2018 23:51

Well all I can say is that if you're anywhere outside your bit of the midlands, add your qualifiers, because if you don't you'll be seen as breathtakingly rude by everyone you encounter.

frogsoup, this thread has demonstrated that quite a few people wouldn't necessarily find it rude. So either they are all from "my bit of the Midlands" (unlikely), or it isn't always interpreted by everyone the way you insist. You make it sound very Hyacinth Bucket, whereas I find people are more open to broader use of communication than you seem to be suggesting. Tone of voice, body language, etc. can all convey that the question was fine, you don't have to use a form of words every time.

Tatiana I'm in the US at the moment and there are certainly places here where the OP's "No." would be quite fine with most people.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 23:52

Altho - some of my forebears are from the Midlands and they all had excellent manners, so I don’t buy it as a regional thing.

juliesaway · 04/01/2018 23:55

She should have respected your refusal but to be honest if invited over to see your new built home and for dinner it’s quite nice and normal for guests to ask for a tour and be shown around - it would have been assumed that you would be proud to show the place off. And a jovial NYE dinner don’t see anything wrong at all. I’d have found it really odd you refused a tour to be honest.

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