To refuse to stop receiving maintenance

[Carbohol78]

I earn more than my Ex; and my DH earns more than me. However I just wondered if, in my shoes, you’d ever refuse to receive or refuse to pay CM (if you had the option to refuse to pay)

My DH and I both have majority care, my Ex earns slightly less than me and he pays me £600pcm under duress through CMS for 2 children. He does moan he cannot afford it, although on his wage I am not sure I believe him, he has ok cars and has just done a lot of work on his house (had to extend mortgage tbf)

I don’t believe the children do without at his house (he has them 2 nights pw), but he claims he cannot afford for them to do swimming at £7 per week

Even though we also have majority custody of my SC, we pay their mum maintenance as she is genuinely shorter on money and we buy all school uniform for them etc and help out in other areas

My Ex says I should stop my claim through CMS and I should just pay for my days and him for his, to be honest, I do admit I feel it is karma he pays (big cheat, living with one of the women now), I don’t need the maintenance to provide for the children (though it of course makes things a lot more comfortable)

So, I was just wondering what you would do in my position? AIBU to keep taking this money? I hate the fact that a bit of me is liking the fact he resents me having his money (his gf (the OW) told my kids that they couldn’t afford things as “your Mummy takes our money”), I know that makes me a horrible person!

So if you were in our position, would you think the payments should stop? Is maintenance only reasonable when the PWC needs it?

It doesn’t matter if you were a millionaire, he still needs to pay towards his kids

Personally I wouldn’t stop accepting it, but if you really don’t need it then I’d save if for children’s future, Uni etc. How much ex earns or you and dp earn doesn’t really come into it.

The "your mummy takes our money" comment, she can fuck off for that alone!

You could save it for them if you don't need it for day to day expenses, but keep claiming as it's theirs.

Can it not go towards savings for the children? A future college fund/house deposit? It seems like you’re both focusing on how it suits you both now, rather than what works for the children.

I’m happy to be wrong though - maybe you have all those things sorted already.

He should pay for his children. If you don't particularly need it you could save if for when they are older for a house/uni fees etc?

If you don't need it I'd carry on taking it and put in savings for the children as, ultimately, that's who it's for.

It's not about the PWC needing it though is it? It's about the NRP contributing to the everyday care of the children.

Most PWC do need the money ime.
In your shoes I would invest the money for the kids if you didn't need it. That way they will still get the benefit at 18 or whatever age. £600 per month over let's say 5 years is £36k. You would be a fool to refuse to accept this for your kids - if you don't need it then I'm sure they'd be grateful for a car/house deposit/uni costs.

It is money for the kids. Could you face them in 5 years time and say 'kids, we managed ok without dad's contribution but i refused a massive lump sum which could have made a huge difference to your lives'?

I won't stop accepting it. If you don't need it, put it in an account for DC. It's money for them. As their dad he has to contribute.

To pay £600 pcm, when they are only with you 5 nights, must mean quite a substantial wage for him really. My only thought was, does the payment take into account that he has them part of the time ? And if it does, save money for their university fund.

The children are equally your ex’s responsibility so he should pay towards their care too. It makes no difference who earns what. I’d be disgusted at this attitude if my ex even dared utter such shite.

Thanks guys, appreciate the responses. I do have a savings account for them, not specifically this money, just some money to one side for a rainy day, which hopefully we’ll never need and it’ll be their house deposit

YANBU

I’m sure he would prefer not to pay. And from the sounds of it the DC wouldn’t suffer if he didn’t. But he should still pay for children he helped create.

Why should he get out of his responsibility through your and your DH’s choices and hard work?

If you don’t need the money day to day then save it for the children to use for university or whatever else they may need in the future.

CMS is not generous. And if he can afford renovations etc then he obviously isn’t scrimping every last penny to survive. Maintenance is not an optional extra, it’s like mortgage/rent and bills, it has to be paid and budgeted for.

As soon as your children stop needing to be fed, clothed and a warm, comfortable place to live he doesn’t need to pay any more.

I don’t know why you’re even giving this head space.

Absolutely not. Especially after that comment by the OW

I have to say I got confused with who is who but the important things are :
Maintenance shoukd be paid
Maintenance should be reflective of the person's circumstances paying the maintenance ie. their income and the amount of shared care.
Maintenance can be things that are bought for the benefit of the children ie. Swimming lessons, clothes rather than cold hard cash.
All parties should work together for the benefit of the children.

@Mika - yes, is calculated for his 2 nights and deduction for his SS and newborn

I suspect his recent objection is because they are now on one income following the birth of their new son (which is ironically the situation he left me in, which is how I ended up claiming CM in the first place!)

It doesn’t matter if you were a millionaire in your own right, he would still have both a moral and legal obligation to support his children. You could pay for the swimming yourself as a gesture of understanding, perhaps? If you don’t need the money now, actively put it to one side. You have no idea what is around the corner. Money saved now could help maintain their standard of living should you become ill, for example. If you never need it, it is a lump sum to cover driving lessons/cars/gap years/house deposits.

“your Mummy takes our money”

I really couldn't resist telling her to shove off and remind her that she took their daddy away from them full time.

Well if the OW doesn’t want “your mummy to take our money” then she shouldn’t of gone off in to the sunset with a man that already had dc, maybe the grass wasn’t quite so green ah?

When you have dc you have to pay for them, so no I absolutely would not be stopping my maintenance claim. He is their Father and has no choice but to pay for them

Absolutely he is taking the piss! They are half his kids he is half responsible for their upkeep and if he's been assessed as having to pay £600 he is on a perfectly good wage!

As for the comment from his gf - NONE of her business and what a BITCH for saying that to the kids. It's between the adults it is not for the children to worry about.

You are doing nothing wrong.

@Ivor - it is mainly nosiness about what other people think to be honey (my friends are obviously very biased!) and a little bit of guilt that I maybe am not sorry it is causing him annoyance (I try to be a nice person and “over” what he did, clearly I am slightly failing at both!)

He is obviously on a good wage so YANBU. If he really couldn't afford it and you didn't need it I would offer to have it reduced to maybe £400. As it is I would carry on, especially after the comment from OW.

*honest! Not honey!! (But maybe also honey! )

Yeah, take it and save it for their future if you don't need the actual money. He has a responsibility to pay what he can afford.