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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to stop receiving maintenance

169 replies

Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 17:40

I earn more than my Ex; and my DH earns more than me. However I just wondered if, in my shoes, you’d ever refuse to receive or refuse to pay CM (if you had the option to refuse to pay)

My DH and I both have majority care, my Ex earns slightly less than me and he pays me £600pcm under duress through CMS for 2 children. He does moan he cannot afford it, although on his wage I am not sure I believe him, he has ok cars and has just done a lot of work on his house (had to extend mortgage tbf)

I don’t believe the children do without at his house (he has them 2 nights pw), but he claims he cannot afford for them to do swimming at £7 per week

Even though we also have majority custody of my SC, we pay their mum maintenance as she is genuinely shorter on money and we buy all school uniform for them etc and help out in other areas

My Ex says I should stop my claim through CMS and I should just pay for my days and him for his, to be honest, I do admit I feel it is karma he pays (big cheat, living with one of the women now), I don’t need the maintenance to provide for the children (though it of course makes things a lot more comfortable)

So, I was just wondering what you would do in my position? AIBU to keep taking this money? I hate the fact that a bit of me is liking the fact he resents me having his money (his gf (the OW) told my kids that they couldn’t afford things as “your Mummy takes our money”), I know that makes me a horrible person!

So if you were in our position, would you think the payments should stop? Is maintenance only reasonable when the PWC needs it?

OP posts:
Margaritaanyone89 · 03/01/2018 08:07

If you earn more then him and your partner earns more then you and your EX husband has the kids 2 days and presumably overnight. (Probably every weekend?) YES STOP FORCING HIM TO PAY YOU MAINTENANCE.

It's in YOUR CHILD'S BEST INTERESTS if your ex can have enough finances with them on his weekend with them. They are financially stable at yours for the remainder of the week.

Just because you CAN take his money doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Margaritaanyone89 · 03/01/2018 08:08

There are some vile greedy ex-wives on here, loving the idea of rinsing someones pockets just because they're male. It's vile.

Notreallyarsed · 03/01/2018 08:08

If at £75k he can’t afford £7 a week then he needs to reevaluate his finances! All this bile towards a woman because she’s accepting maintenance payments for her children. Spot the second wives a fecking mile off on this thread Confused

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 03/01/2018 08:09

The op’s exw should be paying what she can afford too. But that’s up to the op’s dh. Not really op’s business as not her dc.

KayaG · 03/01/2018 08:09

He's obliged to by law, Margarita, get over it.

Notreallyarsed · 03/01/2018 08:10

@Margaritaanyone89 I’ve never had a fucking penny from my XH and I think anyone who whinges about paying the bare minimum for their children is a scumbag. Especially if they’re on the kind of salary that most of us will never see in a lifetime. Bitching over £7 when you have £75k pa income is petty and ridiculous.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 03/01/2018 08:19

Jeeze @margarita, WHAT’S UP WITH THE CAPS? IT MAKES YOU SEEM A TAD AGGRESSIVE!

Anyway, I’m sure some men’s rights activists might agree with you, but if someone has children, they have to pay to support them. The op’s ex is paying the minimum he can afford. The op isn’t “taking his money”. He is paying to support the children he made. If it was a woman who left the family home and only looked after her dcs two days per week, then I’d feel exactly the same way. You can’t expect to have a whole host of offspring and then merrily fuck off to start a new life, free from all financial and other responsibilities.

Let me use language you might understand :

It’s totally irrelevant how much the OP earns. He’s supporting HIS CHILDREN, by paying the MINIMUM AMOUNT he is REQUIRED to by LAW, not her. Geddit?

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/01/2018 08:22

Second wife here.

They're his children too. He should pay because it's the principle that the op and her ex both brought them into the world and both have parental respinsibility. You don't get to opt out of providing for your dc.
If you feel uncomfortable because you don't need the money, do something with it that will be of use to the dc when he's no longer obliged to pay maintenance - £600 a month will give them a massive head start for university or buying a house.

As someone else said, if his outgoings are supposedly not leaving him with enough money, then he needs to reassess what he's spending in order to ensure he pays to support his dc. That's what the rest of us with dc do, whether we're in a relationship or not.

Collaborate · 03/01/2018 08:24

Not read the whole thread. Wanted to start by saying YANBU. He should pay - it's as simple as that.

Though I could see how it might seem to him that his maintenance is going in to the pocket of the mother of your step children. Why one rule for her and another for him?

Totally your decision though.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 08:28

Yep, I agree he pays.

He left you with a newborn baby. I hope he's stewing that you and DH earn well.

And his wife sounds abusive to your DC. Sounds like she will treat your DC differently to hers.

Penfold007 · 03/01/2018 08:36

Surely the OW is receiving CM payments for her DC from her EX

shoeaddict83 · 03/01/2018 08:40

Just from another perspective - im about to get married to my FH who has 2 children from his first marriage. I knew he came with those children when we got together and would never hold that or the money he has to pay for them against him.
As i earn slightly more i help towards the amount he agreed to pay his ex in their divorce (she earns shitloads more then either of us but her income is irrelevant as they are still HIS children!) and have no issue buying the kids clothes they keep at ours, and our joint income pays for family holidays.
So for everyone saying that you can 'spot the second wives and OWs on this thread, not all second wives are like that!
I completely agree with the OP he should be paying towards them and if its not needed put it in savings for their first car or Uni, id honestly think less of my DP if he was trying to shirk his responsibilities and not pay for his own children.

willow2490 · 03/01/2018 09:12

I can't help but think Margarita is a troll since her comments don't stand up to scrutiny.

If the OP puts the £600 into an account for the kids then the kids will get the money. If she refuses CM then the money will be kept by the exH. The exH may well then spend the money on more house renovations, his new wife, her kids etc. and not the OP's kids. exH's whinging about £7 on a £75k salary clearly shows that his priorities are wrong, not to mention having an affair with OW, so I don't think its likely that the £600 would in practice be spent by exH on the kids, especially when the OW has made her feelings clear on money being spent on the OP's kids.

And rinsing someones pockets just because they're male is incorrect too. Hardly rinsing someone's pockets having the minimum CM off a £75k salary (and presumably OW has a wage going into that household too). And its nothing to do with the fact that the exH is male. Its to do with parental responsibility. As someone has already pointed out, we would be saying exactly the same if the NRP was female.

Bringing up children and childcare is very expensive. Again, as someone has already pointed out, CM frequently doesn't cover half of the childcare expenses.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 03/01/2018 09:17

Op I get 140pcm for him to be paying £600 he has to be on a good wage don’t let them try and manipulate you. If you don’t need it bank it for savings for your dc.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 09:30

Margarita is clearly male.

Hope his ex is getting child maintenance.

wanderlust99 · 03/01/2018 10:23

OP put the money away for your DC and if you want to be very kind tell him that due to him only having one wage that you think it is time to review the maintenance. Leave it a few days and then tell him that you think it is fair to reduce payments by £7 per week as you cannot bear the thought of his straitened financial situation having an impact on the life saving benefits that swimming lessons bring to your 2 DC. Possibly drop in how you are thinking of going on a cruise next year so swimming lessons are now an essential rather than luxury......

I don't know why men or women come out of a marriage, shack up with someone else and then claim it is sooooo unfair that the ex is "stealing" money and that means they cannot afford children together. OP the OW saying that to your DC would make me want to fight to get more maintenaince . How dare she?!

Notreallyarsed · 03/01/2018 10:37

So for everyone saying that you can 'spot the second wives and OWs on this thread, not all second wives are like that!

I know, I am one. Just not one who thinks that children are an optional factor in a new relationship, and that responsiblities can be shirked.

Original poster
Carbohol78 · 03/01/2018 11:06

Well, that escalated quickly!

Actually DH’s Ex also cheated (we met as two very damaged people!) when I met him he was already paying her maintenance because (embarrassingly), he thought that men should always pay regardless of who had majority care (because he’s a dinosaur), obviously I put him straight on that, especially as he had already had to give his ex a substantial cash payment to buy her out of his business and the house

Conversely, at that time I wasn’t getting a penny off my Ex and was absolutely broke, my only option was CMS, as we were originally on a 60/40 (now 70/30) and he said that was too close to 50/50 for it to be fair that he paid (plus it was an incredibly bitter break up and I was unutterably vile to both him and OW)

It isn’t really my business whether DH pays his Ex or not, however, it makes me even surer I have (finally) found a good man and great father, I respect him for still doing so (even if he was originally a sexist caveman Angry)

The big difference is .... it doesn’t affect my DC’s lives for my Ex to pay this money, he is ..... lying Shock that it does. However, for my DSC, they might be negatively impacted if we stopped maintenance to their Mum, she isn’t broke (bought a house outright from the settlement, so no mortgage), but she wouldn’t be able to do the nice extras and holidays etc

So, if it were my choice, then I would keep paying their Mum anyway, I also have a slight fear that if we didn’t she might go for extra nights to become PWC (she still gets the Child Benefit for them), but that may be unfair of me, as they are both far more balanced people than me! Grin

My slight regret is that I cannot deny that one of my motivators is revenge, that makes me a crap person. Whilst I do have a savings fund for them, I refuse to one day hand it over to them as “look at the wonderful gift that father of the year has provided for you over the years”, that is why I don’t clearly identify it as from the maintenance (though obviously it is really), nor do I tell my Ex about it, as it is already unlikely he’ll support them after the law makes him

OP posts:
Original poster
Carbohol78 · 03/01/2018 11:08

I hope Margarita is a troll! I’ve never been trolled before, I feel like a Kardashian Star

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 11:10

You're not vengeful or a crap mum. If you were vengeful you would be poisoning your kids minds against him. You must absolutely take the CM.

plus it was an incredibly bitter break up and I was unutterably vile to both him and OW)

Do tell Smile

Sounds like they deserved it.

Original poster
Carbohol78 · 03/01/2018 11:12

Funny you should ask, I was just thinking of where one could start a post asking what people’s awful break-up stories were and acts of revenge that followed Grin I know, I’m immature

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogle · 03/01/2018 11:18

@TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag -
It’s totally irrelevant how much the OP earns. He’s supporting HIS CHILDREN, by paying the MINIMUM AMOUNT he is REQUIRED to by LAW.

^This! The money is for his kids, not his ex-wife. While she may not NEED it, it can be saved for the children. ExH doesn't get to swan off and pay nada towards his kids just because the OP and new partner are relatively well off. And I'd feel the same if it was the other way round (wife left). You have kids, you pay for them. Period.

Notreallyarsed · 03/01/2018 11:18

Being vile to the cheating bastard and the OW sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 11:19

That sounds like a fab thread, OP. Do it!

Original poster
Carbohol78 · 03/01/2018 11:45

Done! In AIBU (I’m gonna get torn apart for posting it!)

OP posts: