To refuse to stop receiving maintenance

[Carbohol78]

I earn more than my Ex; and my DH earns more than me. However I just wondered if, in my shoes, you’d ever refuse to receive or refuse to pay CM (if you had the option to refuse to pay)

My DH and I both have majority care, my Ex earns slightly less than me and he pays me £600pcm under duress through CMS for 2 children. He does moan he cannot afford it, although on his wage I am not sure I believe him, he has ok cars and has just done a lot of work on his house (had to extend mortgage tbf)

I don’t believe the children do without at his house (he has them 2 nights pw), but he claims he cannot afford for them to do swimming at £7 per week

Even though we also have majority custody of my SC, we pay their mum maintenance as she is genuinely shorter on money and we buy all school uniform for them etc and help out in other areas

My Ex says I should stop my claim through CMS and I should just pay for my days and him for his, to be honest, I do admit I feel it is karma he pays (big cheat, living with one of the women now), I don’t need the maintenance to provide for the children (though it of course makes things a lot more comfortable)

So, I was just wondering what you would do in my position? AIBU to keep taking this money? I hate the fact that a bit of me is liking the fact he resents me having his money (his gf (the OW) told my kids that they couldn’t afford things as “your Mummy takes our money”), I know that makes me a horrible person!

So if you were in our position, would you think the payments should stop? Is maintenance only reasonable when the PWC needs it?

I'll post in support (though sadly I have no stories to tell)!

Oh, it’s not there anymore? Maybe was too contentious?

It's there, I've posted

I don't take child maintenance from exh because I earn more than him and he has a new family with his new partner

if there are large items like new football boots, school trips, school uniform, club subscriptions, i ask him to pay half and he always does. We have agreed that any large items the children need in later life we will split 50/50.

yes, it's a legal right to child maintenance but you can do it in other ways should you choose to

We're all human, OP. What I notice and respect in your posts is that you're also someone with insight. You don't pretend you have no flaws and didn't make mistakes. And given the bare facts, you could (and most would) present yourself as an angel.

Child support is for the kids. If he were on a low income, as your SC's mum is, then absolutely it would be preferable to allow him to enhance the time they spend with him by increasing the money he has available - low incomes, and disposable elements to it are limited. But that isn't so. He's on a very good wage, and his partner usually works outside the home, too. I'm sorry to be blunt but the children are plainly not that important to him. Not enough that he is prepared to countenance any sort of lifestyle reduction without resentment. That's the sign of a selfish adult.

Definitely don't stop taking child support, but I agree that saving it is sensible. That way, you have a buffer for the whole family against bad times, and hopefully will have a springboard for the kids instead when they leave home.

I've had a lot of step-parents, and a high earning father who never paid child support and was still angry that he ever had to fund travel expenses at all. (Not often.) My main annoyance is with my mother, who didn't claim any child support because she chose to leave, when we had so little money we had free school meals and (luckily) a housing association flat. She said when I was 20 or so that it "wouldn't have been fair" to take any money from him, and I blew up and said the problem they both exhibited was never seeing us as more than add-ons to their relationship; she was entitled to make what arrangements they chose in terms of divorce settlement but the support was always meant for the kids and should not have been determined on their relationship situation.

Wondering about child support without reference to how the kids feel is not child-centred. It's different when, as with posters below, they factor in how best to meet the needs of the kids with the available funds in the available situation. You've done that with your step-kids, and bless you for that. They benefit from time with a mum whose back isn't against the financial wall. Another poster has done that with her ex, because she realises the same with their time with him, and bless her, too. But here, a selfish man and his selfish wife want a better lifestyle by skimping on the kids. That's not okay, and you are not helping the kids by enabling that attitude.

It's relatively easy, I think: what is in the interests of the kids? A man who resents swimming lessons of 7 quid when annual salary is 75k is not going to be thinking of them when child support is factored in - that's the key here. The extra won't be spent on them. It certainly won't be saved for them. And adults so lacking that they say things such as you describe to young kids about child support... they can fuck off on your children facilitating a nicer lifestyle at their expense.

Perfectstorm, that’s a beautifully written and much appreciated post. I feel very sad for the younger you, but your experience has made you thoughtful and empathetic. I had never looked at it like that, but yes, you are totally correct, the entire £600 wouldn’t go on our DC if he didn’t pay it to me, but (as long as nothing goes wrong and I have to raid the savings account!) continuing this way, means hopefully one day the DC will have a lovely boost to adult life

SingSam, you are extremely gracious and seem to have a positive relationship with your ex, which is great for your DC.

So on the 5 days with you does he stop being their father? Parents have a responsibility to share the cost of providing for their children. Just because the op is comfortablynoff doesn’t mean he gets out of helping by to pay for a safe home and heating, food, clothing etc. His children are his responsibility as well as the op’s.

If you stopped receiving the money then there's nothing to say that it will get spent on your DC by EX and his OH: they may just fancy a flash car or some new clothes for themselves - and there will be nothing you can do about it! Keep the money and if you feel uneasy about it then start saving it for your DC. They will massively appreciate a chunk of money in the future.

OP - I match the maintenance EX gives me and I put in the DCS fund.

Like you - the gift at the end of the day will be from both of us - not giving him that much credit!!!

If your maintenance is through the proper channels, as you say CMS, they have calculated based on his earnings, outgoings and nights he has his children...then £600 is what he can afford and should pay.

Doesn't matter if you are comfortable, their his kids, he needs to take responsibility for them.

As PP have said, put it in a savings account for them if you dont need to live on.

Yanbu to continue taking some of your ex's money to support your children. He has an obligation to support his children. If both you and he were millionaires this would still be true. If you were a millionaire and he was on an ordinary salary he still ought to contribute something because every adult has a responsibility to contribute to the support of their offspring. It's great that you could cover their basic needs without your ex's support but there will always be extras that can be reached with the extra contributions from your ex. If there's nothing further they could benefit from right now put it into easy access savings - it won't be long before they want laptops and other gadgets to assist with schoolwork, expensive optional field trips and enrichment activities, summer holiday clubs where they can learn computer coding or sailing or other skills that are not offered by ordinary holiday childcare etc etc etc.

The thing about being motivated by revenge in this situation is that it’s entirely up to him. There’d be no room for you to do this if he wasn’t being a particularly crap parent over this issue.

If he stepped up to the plate, and contributed fairly to the children’s living costs then you wouldn’t have anything to hold over him.

No Margarita is not a troll! I've just seen it happen so many times and OP backed up my point when she mentioned.My slight regret is that I cannot deny that one of my motivators is revenge.
Perhaps it did come across as slightly aggressive because of the caps but it's due to so much frustration.

I bet your EX partner would love to have the children half the time/even more then you. But he can't, and the most common reason is it's not practical because of school arrangements. If I had the privileged of having my child most of the week, I was financially secure, earned more then my ex partner and my partner earned more then me. AND my ex partner had my children on the weekend (what a luxury!). I would tell him you're not going to keep taking money off him, instead can he use that money to do exciting and fun things on the weekend with DC. Especially if he's said previously that he's struggling financially with them. Being bitter, holding on to revenge isn't good for you, your EX partner or your DC.

Well, if you would bet that, then you’d lose your cash, actually he wouldn’t “love to have them more”, as I have mentioned within this, we used to be closer to 50/50, but that altered, and not through my choice (though I was desperately grateful of course), you know why? .... because he doesn’t have them on the weekend, “it isn’t fair to have them on Saturday night, I can’t go out”, so maybe don’t assume whatever scenario makes your point out to be the strongest possible, and everyone else some kind of Machiavellian children and money snatcher

In fact, I could point out that your assertion that for me to lose my children “every weekend” would be a “luxury” shows a disturbing lack of compassion and attachment to ones own children, but I won’t, because this is the internet, and I won’t judge someone’s entire belief system based on one paragraph

Oh, and for your further information ... I haven’t updated the CMS that it’s now 70/30, not 60/40, hmmmm, that’s a challenge for you to accept, maybe I’m not a greedy vile embittered ExW or whatever your elegant and well contrived phrase was (is that your example of how not to appear bitter?)

I note you ignore the fact that we pay the other NRP (my DH’s Ex) maintenance because that would negatively impact my DSC, was that minor detail not convenient for your indignation? That’s why people assumed you were a troll!

Heaven forbid I was honest about a negative emotion (which I fully admitted was a negative emotion), it must be wonderful to rise above such temporal matters

And yet again .... he can afford it, this is, shocking though it may be to read, yet another human frailty .... a lie. Why would he do such a thing, you gasp?! Because he knows full well that my one actual and over-riding motivation is “what’s best for my children”, yet when I say it it dares to be real, rather than rhetoric spouted on line to assert my superiority to a total stranger

I'm a disabled single mother on disability benefits and I get £19 per week for my child!!!! He does everything he can to bloody well avoid it too!!!!! He doesn't even see our daughter. Not interested. Please don't give your children's money to that bitch so that she gets it in her pocket!!!!

Margarita ** HOW can you/anyone describe being away from your/their child on a weekend as a "luxury?!?!" Are you taking the piss? That is disturbing......

I feel sorry for your kids....

Well @margarita, you aren’t in the same position as the op, so you really have no idea how magnanimous you would be in that situation. I don’t know how many times I said to myself, pre-dc, “when I’m a mum I’ll...”. Oh how things change when you’re living the reality.

Ime, the problem with magnanimous gestures, (like choosing not to take the minimum payment the op’s ex is required to by law - therefore essentially handing over money the op is legally entitled to), is that, what if one day the op isn’t so well off? She won’t be able to go back and claim the money. ATM, the op and the ex are both doing well financially by the sounds of things. £75k per year minus £600, plus whatever his new wife receives in maintenance and salary, is a comfortable existence. If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t be required to pay as much as he does, (by law).

The op (and I) agree that in an ideal world, revenge wouldn’t come into it and the op has been pretty forthcoming in admitting that.

I’m also very glad you’ve laid off the CAPS .

@Margarita

'Greedy ex-wives rinsing males' ✔️

'ExH must be having kids every weekend'. ✔️

'I bet exH wants to have the kids more than you'. ✔️

'Luxury for you not to have kids on weekends'. ✔️

Doesn't deny being male, but denies being a troll. ✔️

Yep, you're clearly male, and a deluded MRA.

Margarita - the luxury of not having your DCS for the weekend - is they go off and do fun things with their other DP, who ignores homewor, washing school uniform, games kit etc- so when they come back at 1800 on Sunday- you have a shed load of work to do, a grumpy tired child and a homework screaming session.

To be honest I dread when he takes them away for the weekend - the after math is too stressful,

On 75K this man can afford to live his own life without restrictions and pay for his DCs - you are living in a different reality