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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to stop receiving maintenance

169 replies

Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 17:40

I earn more than my Ex; and my DH earns more than me. However I just wondered if, in my shoes, you’d ever refuse to receive or refuse to pay CM (if you had the option to refuse to pay)

My DH and I both have majority care, my Ex earns slightly less than me and he pays me £600pcm under duress through CMS for 2 children. He does moan he cannot afford it, although on his wage I am not sure I believe him, he has ok cars and has just done a lot of work on his house (had to extend mortgage tbf)

I don’t believe the children do without at his house (he has them 2 nights pw), but he claims he cannot afford for them to do swimming at £7 per week

Even though we also have majority custody of my SC, we pay their mum maintenance as she is genuinely shorter on money and we buy all school uniform for them etc and help out in other areas

My Ex says I should stop my claim through CMS and I should just pay for my days and him for his, to be honest, I do admit I feel it is karma he pays (big cheat, living with one of the women now), I don’t need the maintenance to provide for the children (though it of course makes things a lot more comfortable)

So, I was just wondering what you would do in my position? AIBU to keep taking this money? I hate the fact that a bit of me is liking the fact he resents me having his money (his gf (the OW) told my kids that they couldn’t afford things as “your Mummy takes our money”), I know that makes me a horrible person!

So if you were in our position, would you think the payments should stop? Is maintenance only reasonable when the PWC needs it?

OP posts:

Enidthecat · 02/01/2018 18:07

I'd prob just save It for them if I didnt need it and tell them where it came from when i gave it to them.

Helpmeltb · 02/01/2018 18:08

No, I wouldn't stop. If he wants to pay less, he can have the kids more.Why should you have 5/7ths of the cost because you step up as main carer.

NoToast · 02/01/2018 18:09

I'm a single parent that doesn't get any maintenance. I think it's really important that you keep claiming it from him, as paying for your children shouldn't be optional. As a society I think we need to reinforce that message.

Jaxhog · 02/01/2018 18:13

His children , his cost. If you don't need it for day to day stuff, put it into a college fund for them.

StripeyDeckchair · 02/01/2018 18:14

He needs to accept that he has responsibilities towards his children and stop using the emotional blackmail on them - very immature of him.

In your shoes I'd invest the money for your children and use it towards the cost of further education or their first home.

cathycake · 02/01/2018 18:15

He's got off lightly.
£600 per month for. 2 children = 300 per child per month that's for food, clothes, clubs, toys , heating, food , any holidays, day trips , travelling etc

Nah .. don't feel sorry for him. Good for you if you feel you don't need the money and if that's the case put it aside for when they are older as it sounds as though the wife won't be happy giving anything they don't legally need to.

Jaxhog · 02/01/2018 18:15

I meant to add that it isn't YOUR money, it's THEIR money i.e. it belongs to the kids. How much you earn is irrelevant.

Basecamp21 · 02/01/2018 18:15

Strangely I was talking about this with a friend earlier. I split from my EXH years ago when our children were both under 2 - in their 30's now. In those days you had the option of having the marital home signed over to you in lieu of maintenance. The father in our case signs over the property and has no claim on any proceeds or equity and I received no maintenance.

I felt in many ways this clean break solution worked much better for us. He was not having to pay out money so could afford a flat large enough to have good quality access and could afford to contribute to holidays, buy clothes etc

I was totally independent of him - never any issues of what I was spending his money on or how much he was spending on new relationships ....it was done and dusted.

I benefited far more from the equity in the house than I would ever have received on maintenance. I was also able to plan my finances without changes in his circumstances disrupting things. My friend I was discussing this with had just moved house and bought a car based on the fact her reliable ex was paying £600 per month. Out of the blue - to her - he is now starting a 14 year prison sentence - no more maintenance - ever!!!! She is now virtually destitute.

I'm not saying this would be best for everyone or for you but we have been brainwashed into believing fathers should pay weekly/monthly amounts and this is the only option. I find maintaining that financial link causes so many arguments and bad feeling - I'm not convinced it is always the best solution there are others that should be available.

Do what feels right for you - yanbu in taking the money but if life would be easier and more pleasant without it then do what you like.

Notreallyarsed · 02/01/2018 18:18

OW should have been a bit more reticent in taking what wasn’t hers before she came out with that absolute belter of a comment.

GloGirl · 02/01/2018 18:18

Whilst I absolutely hate the idea of using children as a pawn, I might be tempted to ask him if he'd like for you to send the children with their money for swimming, that way you know they are getting to go and have a nice time with their Dad and he isn't just shirking his commitments about paying you what he financially owes.

Giving money directly to kids for their fee means they wouldn't much tolerate Dad sitting at home with them bored for 2 days when they've been 'promised' to go swimming.

You are owed every penny though and don't let yourself be convinced otherwise.

QueenUnicorn · 02/01/2018 18:19

You don't need the maintenance to provide for the children but it makes things more comfortable? This makes it sound like you are using the maintenance money for things not directly for the children.
If you are very well off then I don't see the harm in buying them a swimming pass or such like so that they have places to go for free when with Dad, don't make the children miss out.

Notreallyarsed · 02/01/2018 18:20

@QueenUnicorn she isn’t making them miss out, HE is! £7 when he’s just extended his mortgage for fripperies isn’t excessive and he’s being a dick. Don’t put this back on to OP, her finances are fuck all to do with maintenance.

HooraySunshine · 02/01/2018 18:23

his gf (the OW) told my kids that they couldn’t afford things as “your Mummy takes our money”

'our' money is it? I bet if she was in your shoes she would keep taking the money! What a completely horrid thing to say to children.

Personally, I would keep taking the money. Those are his children too and he should contribute financially towards them.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 02/01/2018 18:24

paying for your children shouldn't be optional. As a society I think we need to reinforce that message.

This, exactly.

Re the “your mummy takes our money”. Well, that’s sometimes what happens when you get involved with a married man with young children unfortunately.

A relative of mine has recently moved in with an OW, leaving the family home with very young dcs. Aside from the wife and children being confused and pretty devastated, I really wonder if the young, childless OW has any idea how much more complicated her life will be now. It shouldn’t be a surprise that fathers have to pay for their existing children. They can’t and shouldn’t just fuck off and start all over again.

usualGubbins · 02/01/2018 18:26

My ex paid nothing. I brought up my daughter with no help at all from him. She never knew this until she got to be around 28 when I told her (as part of a much longer conversation and I thought she was old enough to hear the truth). She pointed out that had he put £5 a week in a savings account for her then she'd have had a good few thousand towards uni or a car at 18.

As others have said, this is your children's money. If you don't immediately need it, then save it for your children for when they either go on to uni or buy a house.

Taylor22 · 02/01/2018 18:26

"your Mummy takes our money”

Says the bitch who took their Daddy.

No OP don't stop it. He's now reaping what he sowed.
The sackless pos thought he was jetting off into the sunset for the life of Riley but it now sounds like your the one with the last laugh.

SockUnicorn · 02/01/2018 18:27

@Carbohol78 I would be firstly telling him you will take him to court with a view to suspending contact if the OW attempts to negatively influence your children again. to be fair her statement may be true (i cant see their bank balance) but so would be "mummy and daddy dont live together because of OW". And you wouldnt say that to them.

Secondly I would take his money and take the kids on as many days out and Disney / fun holidays as possible. You cant buy memories :)

Original poster

Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 18:28

Thanks NRA

Unicorn - I mean that I have been through a period of hiding from bailiffs and not having cash to buy food! I am not in that now, but yes, we all went ski-ing for a week, which isn’t at all necessary, but a lot of fun

“Comfortable” to me meant I can buy more than just necessities for the kids, which I couldn’t do 5 years ago

I am not making them miss out, if I were then I wouldn’t accept the maintenance, as I tried to explain earlier, the point is he CAN afford it, his annoyance is that I get it when he feels I “don’t need it” he is on circa £75k, he can afford £7 swimming ...

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 02/01/2018 18:29

If he can't afford £7 for swimming for his existing children, how did he think he could afford to bring a new life into the world? If you think he is genuinely struggling while his OH is on mat leave you could be nice and pay for swimming (directly).

IvorBiggun · 02/01/2018 18:30

I wouldn’t feel guilty.

I would feel it was a bonus

NewBrian · 02/01/2018 18:31

I voluntarily don’t receive maintenance but if my ex was on 75k I certainly would, more so if they’d wronged me in the past!

Original poster

Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 18:31

Oh! I was slowly replying to Queen Unicorn! Not SockUnicorn. And yes, SockUnicorn, that’s exactly what we do, thank you for all the responses, really interesting

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 02/01/2018 18:31

Just seen your update - he surely can afford swimming on 75K

gillybeanz · 02/01/2018 18:32

The money is for the kids, put it away for a deposit for house or uni.

Original poster

Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 18:34

LadyLapsang ... you would think so!

OP posts:

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