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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to stop receiving maintenance

169 replies

Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 17:40

I earn more than my Ex; and my DH earns more than me. However I just wondered if, in my shoes, you’d ever refuse to receive or refuse to pay CM (if you had the option to refuse to pay)

My DH and I both have majority care, my Ex earns slightly less than me and he pays me £600pcm under duress through CMS for 2 children. He does moan he cannot afford it, although on his wage I am not sure I believe him, he has ok cars and has just done a lot of work on his house (had to extend mortgage tbf)

I don’t believe the children do without at his house (he has them 2 nights pw), but he claims he cannot afford for them to do swimming at £7 per week

Even though we also have majority custody of my SC, we pay their mum maintenance as she is genuinely shorter on money and we buy all school uniform for them etc and help out in other areas

My Ex says I should stop my claim through CMS and I should just pay for my days and him for his, to be honest, I do admit I feel it is karma he pays (big cheat, living with one of the women now), I don’t need the maintenance to provide for the children (though it of course makes things a lot more comfortable)

So, I was just wondering what you would do in my position? AIBU to keep taking this money? I hate the fact that a bit of me is liking the fact he resents me having his money (his gf (the OW) told my kids that they couldn’t afford things as “your Mummy takes our money”), I know that makes me a horrible person!

So if you were in our position, would you think the payments should stop? Is maintenance only reasonable when the PWC needs it?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 02/01/2018 18:36

My DH’s ex puts the maintenance money in a savings account on the months extra isn’t needed - I think it’s bloody nice of her as frankly I would probably just enjoy having the extra! She definitely shouldn’t refuse it and nor should you, your ex is being ridiculous. You pay out for far more for the dc than he does in his two days. I bet he doesn’t buy separate shoes/clothes etc for example.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 02/01/2018 18:37

He is paying the CMS minimum. If he was paying more than minimum and wanted to drop down to minimum until his wife was back at work, I'd definitely consider it but I wouldn't hesitate to take his contribution to our kids. It's the minimum.

gillybeanz · 02/01/2018 18:38

I would be firstly telling him you will take him to court with a view to suspending contact if the OW attempts to negatively influence your children again.

This, definitely. On 75k he can afford swimming lessons.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2018 18:39

£600 for a 75k salary isn’t much at all. As others have said, he needs to pay for his children. It’s the principle of contributing and societal responsibility. His partner is vile.

Whinesalot · 02/01/2018 18:40

Well he made his bed, now he has to lie on it. I might be inclined to be a bit more lenient if he was unhappy and wanted a divorce or I instigated the divorce or if he really was left short, but his affair means that I wouldn't have much sympathy.
If you pay more than you need to for your SD because her mum genuinely needs it, then you aren't lacking empathy.
Make him pay.

ivykaty44 · 02/01/2018 18:41

Your not taking this money - it’s not your money and it’s not for you

This is maintenance for your dc and it’s there money to be spent on them, saved for them or used to put clothes on their back

perfectstorm · 02/01/2018 18:41

He's on 75k a year, and he resents paying child support to the point he won't add on swimming lessons?

What a pathetic excuse for a father. And to judge from her comments to your kids - how nice that he's found a woman who truly deserves him at last.

Taylor22 · 02/01/2018 18:43

It is actually Ops money.
It's reimbursement for what she has already spent on the children.
If she wanted to take it and spend it all on a lap dance she could.

Whinesalot · 02/01/2018 18:43

Oh yes, if you don't need it then it's better you save it for the kids rather than stop him paying. But if it makes life easier for you all then keep it yourself. Or do a combination of the two.

ivykaty44 · 02/01/2018 18:44

Its child maintenance and if the children moved out then op wouldn’t still receive the money

Original poster
Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 18:45

@Taylor22 I think I love you Grin Grin Grin

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 02/01/2018 18:48

Tell ow that he is paying for the support of his kids so its not thier money in the first place. I am sure they will scrape by on 75k a year!

Taylor22 · 02/01/2018 18:51

Well duh because she wouldn't be funding the children so wouldn't need reimbursement.
The RO can spend the money on whatever they want and no one else gets a say.
As long as the kids are suitably cared for it's no one else's business. OP could even put it in a pot and throw a massive party when her kids move out and she doesn't have to deal with their dick head father anymore.

Just ball parking ideas here for you OP.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2018 18:51

I think in this case I'd just go by what the law says he should be paying. It's not really a case of fair or unfair.

HermioneAndMsJones · 02/01/2018 18:52

What Taylor said.

He needs to stop thinking it’s money he is giving you. It’s money for HIS dcs, the ones he had part in creating, the ones he is still totally responsible for.

Original poster
Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 18:53

@Taylor22 in your honest opinion, would it be too much to build myself a moat? I always wanted a moat

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 02/01/2018 18:56

Would it have sharks?
Sharks with lasers on their heads!!!
I think a moat would be excellent.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2018 18:56

Why on Earth feel guilty? Nah, fuck that. Stash away the money in a savings account for them.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/01/2018 18:56

If he couldn’t afford to take his kids swimming he shouldn’t have had a new one. Twat.

Definitely continue to take the legal minimum.

timeisnotaline · 02/01/2018 18:57

Absolutely keep taking it. They are still his children , he has to pay for them, and it sounds like he does the bare minimum with them anyway. Chances that he’s suddenly turn into a great dad if he stopped paying... zero. I might send the £7 for swimming but it would be as a big finger up and ‘I don’t want them to miss out big gesture type thing’ given he is a twat and his gf is as well.

hibbledibble · 02/01/2018 18:57

Absolutely keep claiming.

If you dont need it then put it into a trust accojnt for the children.

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/01/2018 18:57

Loving the sharks and lasers idea, can we add piranhas or is that too much?

Original poster
Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 18:59

Probably not sharks, I was thinking more about paying my lap dancer to wear a fishtail and have my own pet mermaid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carbohol78 · 02/01/2018 19:00

I could sublet it to Ex for £5 a week and the DC could swim in there! Fricking hell! We’ve solved everything. Thanks guys Flowers to all

OP posts:
GinUser · 02/01/2018 19:00

On the other side of the coin, my DH only paid the minimum for this son, which was €600 per month about 20 years ago, because his exW had been married before and took all child maintenance payments from her first husband for their daughter as "her" money.
However, we had my DSS every other weekend (DH paid all travel costs), lots in the holidays (so exW didn't need to bother about childcare and payments were not reduced) bought him clothes, shoes etc. took him on holidays, so I think it was OK.

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