To ask for friend's dog to not be around when we visit?

[pipnchops]

3yo DD is absolutely petrified of dogs and we're planning an overnight stay with some old friends who have a very friendly but very large dog. Whenever they've come to visit us the dog stays with her parents. Would it be unreasonable if I asked them if her parents could look after the dog while we visit?

I would be inclined to think that maybe this is an opportunity for her to face her fear but we recently visited SIL and she has a tiny and very sweet dog and DD screamed whenever it came anywhere near her and was even distressed when she realised it was sleeping on someone's lap next to her.

My daughter was bitten age 3 by a family dog. Fortunately no serious damage was done but you can imagine how scared it left her.

She was understandably terrified of all dogs, even the tiniest ones.

I knew she would encounter dogs pretty much every time we went out or to visit family so I did all I could to expose her to dogs and show her that not all dogs were the same .

I sometimes had to explain to people what had happened as she would be frightened, but I would make a huge fuss of the dogs (didn't even attempt to encourage her to touch them and made sure she heard me asking the owners first if it was okay) and then carry on walking without mentioning it.

So many people have dogs I thought it was better to help her overcome her fear rather than avoid coming into contact with them.

She's fine now, we even have a dog of our own and she couldn't love him more!

I have very often experienced dogs off-lead unaccompanied by an owner, running up to my very young children and uncontrollably jumping up, getting in their faces. It happens nearly every time we go for a walk in our nearest park/woodland. Without fail the owner eventually appears and witters on about their dog being harmless. It is infuriating because the damage is already done, and if they were actually dangerous then the owner was not even present anyway to try and restrain their dog. It's a good job that I am used to dogs and usually able to intervene and protect my children without adding to the unnerving behaviour of the dog.

I have had occasions where the dogs were definitely not friendly and had a moment where I thought I might actually be attacked. It should be required of dog owners that if their dog is off-lead it should be reliably recallable and able to behave around strangers and other dogs. If not then don't let it off-lead and muzzle it.

My 5 and 1 year old shouldn't have to learn how to deal with barking, jumping, boisterous strange dogs that are often larger than they are. Anyone who thinks that children are somehow deficient if they don't love dogs when that's their frequent experience of them is daft.

We have a dog and a family member is very scared of dogs. Although our dog is a big friendly soppy thing, family member would be terrified if she came up to her. When she comes over we keep the dog in the kitchen and try and minimise contact as much as possible. Haven't done overnight stays yet, in all honesty It wouldn't be practical but if it were a good friend who I really wanted to see I would probably try and arrange for dear dog to stay overnight with friends if it all possible. I have dog sat a friends dog for similar reasons in the past. I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask but don't expect them to be able to facilitate it and be prepared to stay in a hotel or b & b if they can't.

I don't think people should love dogs. But I have a dog. If you don't like dogs, don't come and stay with me. I agree that dogs jumping up out of control is utterly infuriating but it's happened to me once and I'm 55. I can only conclude that some of you live in very odd parts of the country if being jumped on is a weekly occurrence

I wouldn't mind you asking and if I knew a friend nearby who would have them for the night then I would ask them. If not then tough shit, I wouldn't be shutting them away. No better way to make them unpredictable and overexcitable in my opinion.

I don't think everyone should love my dogs but the fact is that they are friendly and pretty well behaved and I wouldn't put up with the screaming and carrying on over a dog that is showing absolutely no interest in them. It's dangerous and could actually end up causing her to get bitten so I think you need to find a middle ground. She doesn't have to learn to love dogs but you will be doing her a massive disservice not to at least try to work on her fear. PAT Dogs is a good idea upthread .

CODSWALLOPANDBALDEDASH...as far as l can tell nobody suggested all should love dogs...or that it is Ok for dogs to run barking at them, in fact the contrary.
If some would not be willing or able to offload their dog to have a visitor that is fair enough.
There is lots of good advice for those with fears of dogs and managing this, which as another poster said is a life skill.

If your Dc was scared of water would you not try and overcome his/her fear so that she/he could swim to safety if forced to?

Dogs are a menace.

Well obviously since you would happily ship your dog off then you wouldn't mind your friend asking.
Not wanting to send your dog away so people can come and stay doesn't make you insane! And putting someone on the spot about it is rude. It is making the ops problem her friend's problem. I'm not sure why the op didn't just say we'd love to come but dd is still very scared of dogs so it won't be possible.

@Jigglytuff I think I live in a fairly typical area. Often dogs seem to be walked by older children in the family with little interest in the dog and little ability to control it. Dogs seem to be owned often just because they are cute, perhaps a status symbol, etc etc. Some people seem to show little interest in training/managing their dogs and little awareness of how they should behave around strangers. It's not surprising to me given where people often buy puppies from and the fact that there are no requirements whatsoever for dog ownership.

@Jigglytuff. My experience is very similar to Assassinatedbeauty's, I'm afraid in terms of my children having had all shapes and sizes of dogs running, jumping and barking up at them.

Both are wary, but not scared.

I realised some 11 years ago when my eldest was a baby that there's absolutely no point asking dog owners to stop their dog jumping up at a baby in a sling/barking at a toddler/running into the playground area. Decent dog owners do it without being asked, and others always say something about 'he's only playing/he's allowed in the park too/he's really good with children'.

Which always makes me laugh, because 'Oh, we always knew that he'd do that one day' has been said by no dog owner ever when their dog has bitten someone.

I'm really surprised to hear that @christinarosetti. Having said that, it was the one time that DS and me got jumped on by three greyhounds that made him scared of dogs.

It's one of the reasons that I got one because we know too many people with dogs for it not to be a complete pita to have a child who's frightened of dogs.

I don't think anyone can stop dogs barking but dogs shouldn't be off lead unless they're under the owner's control.

I have shut my dog away once for DS's birthday party because he has a friend who's very scared of dogs (for no real reason - the whole family dislike dogs). The dog was really upset and I wouldn't do it again.

"Well obviously since you would happily ship your dog off then you wouldn't mind your friend asking."
I would not "happily ship my dog off" I would happily take her somewhere she was familiar with, happy to go to and where she was with people who loved her for a night so my guests and I could have a happy relaxed evening. And so would anyone else who wasn't positively unhinged.

@jigglytuff I have to agree that getting jumped on by dogs is a rare occurance where I live. However, it doesn't seem to be a rare occurance to have children try and pet the dogs without asking...

as dog owner, I woudln't mind you asking, and if I had someone to take the dog, I wouldn't mind doing it if I could.
We do shut the dog out of the lounge when we have visitors who don't like dogs.

But we used to have a large gentle soppy dog who we looked after when its owners were on holiday.
My friend's dd was terrified of dogs. She came round when we had the dog, and gently got to know the dog, and eventually was playing with him in the garden. It was actually easier because he was big and slow and gentle
(wouldn't work so well with our current dog!)

Out of interest, what do people think of the scenario I mentioned earlier-the man who services my Aga is terrified of dogs so mine goes next door when he comes. Are you saying he should just deal with it?

Dog-owner with nervous/unenthusiastic in-laws here. I think it would be fine to outline the problem - indeed I think you should. It's not really fair on anyone to turn up if your DD is going to be terrified and screaming. I think it would defeat unreasonable to expect them to do this, but not at all unreasonable to let them know the situation and see what they suggest.
I have primary age kids and if any friends who are very scared of dogs come over I will arrange for the dog to be elsewhere. I sent her to the dogsitter for DD's birthday sleepover because I wanted everyone to feel comfortable. I consider my dog a much-loved part of the family, but I want people to be comfortable in our house.

If you think not wanting to have guests over that necessitate moving your pet out is 'unhinged' then you actually must be unhinged.

Bertrand my dog would go in his crate in that case. I always put him in there for food deliveries.

Bertrand In that scenario I'd shut them upstairs or dispatch DP to walk them. The Aga man would be there for an hour tops and he really doesn't have a choice but to be there and he isn't someone who I am going to see again socially. He's there to do a job and I would prefer him concentrating on it.

But I do still think that people should try to get over fears like this that can really affect their lives. I'm petrified of spiders and am trying so hard to overcome it.

Bertrand - mine would go the other side of a baby gate (we have them on the kitchen and dining room doors as well as all the stairs partly for this reason). Same as I do if I have a nervous guest. Beyond that - since the dog cannot get to him at all - at most he might see a dog the other side of a gate - I would expect him to deal with it. I don’t have anyone local my dog can go to, and I’d feel that I had been reasonable. I would not expect anyone (guest/contractor/whoever) to deal with my big friendly girl dashing up to them to say hello if I wasn’t absolutely sure they were ok with dogs.

So does no one believe that someone can be genuinely afraid of dogs? My eldest dad is wary of them but certainly not petrified. If she takes a while to warm up to them it doesn't mean the dog owner and their amazing pet has cured anything. My other haughtiest would have nightmares for days when wellmeaning dog owners try to force their dogs on her. A very regular occurrence. I think people have a total right to be afraid of animals that have killed children. Just because I love animals doesn't mean I don't respect that others don't. It depends on whether the OPs friend values her friendship more than the inconvenience of getting the dog dog sat for a night. Plenty of people who would send their children to grannies for a night wouldn't do the same for their pets but a good friend might.

I would get someone else to fix my aga. It would be very unlucky if the only people capable of fixing it in the area was scared of dogs.

Of course people can be scared of dogs. But it's wise not to accept an invitation to a dog owners house and then expect them to sort something out if that's the case.

"then expect them to sort something out if that's the case"

There's a difference between "expecting" and "asking".

Some great suggestions to start getting your little one used to dogs already.
As a dog owner and lover I would have no issue with being asked, and if my dog couldn’t stay elsewhere I would happily reassure that he would be kept behind doors & baby gates so no one felt uncomfortable.
My nephew was/is scared of dogs, and when he first met my dog he sat in a separate room where he could see my dog in the garden but safely behind a glass door and there was no pressure to look. All the other nieces and nephews chose to be outside playing with our dog and after a while DN realised he was left out and ventured closer. When he said he wanted to meet the dog, I put him on lead & got him to sit calmly. By the end of the day he was racing around the garden with my dog and all the others. Could you find someone with kids and do similar so your child can see a dog around other kids with no issue? But don’t put pressure to meet at all, just chat about the fun they’re having.
I would chat to your friend and explain how scared your kid is but say you also want to help her get over it and could the dog be separated. A decent friend would easily do that. This is my dogs home and he is part of the family but equally he can snuggle down in a different room until the kid goes to sleep.
And start slowly working on her fears, through classes, dogs trust etc and also have a look at how you might be reinforcing the fear (picking her up, etc). Your beach example, instead of going in the car, take her away from the situation where she can still see the dogs and make up funny stories about the dogs and the fun they’re having.