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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for friend's dog to not be around when we visit?

287 replies

pipnchops · 01/01/2018 22:13

3yo DD is absolutely petrified of dogs and we're planning an overnight stay with some old friends who have a very friendly but very large dog. Whenever they've come to visit us the dog stays with her parents. Would it be unreasonable if I asked them if her parents could look after the dog while we visit?

I would be inclined to think that maybe this is an opportunity for her to face her fear but we recently visited SIL and she has a tiny and very sweet dog and DD screamed whenever it came anywhere near her and was even distressed when she realised it was sleeping on someone's lap next to her.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 13:37

So I am the only person who would happily take my dog to stay overnight with a trusted and familiar person so that my guests of all ages could have a nice relaxing stay. Blimey-dog owners can be insane!

Chchchchangeabout · 02/01/2018 13:39

Surely the equivalent solution would be for your DD to stay with your parents while you visit your friends?

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 13:44

No it wouldn’t. Because the dog isn’t frightened of the child- the child is frightened of the dog.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/01/2018 13:47

But it's the dog's home...

If you had an extraordinarily noisy and rather 'free spirited' child and a couple who had no children and weren't very keen on children wanted to visit, would you ship your child out to stay with other people for the duration?

Originalfoogirl · 02/01/2018 13:48

I would ask if it’s a problem for them but offer to stay elsewhere if it would be.

I am really annoyed with people just saying “oh kids need to just get used to it”. A toddler with an anxiety of animals isn’t something you can just throw them into a situation to cure. It takes time and patience and believe me, if you try to just desensitise it will get worse. This was advice that everyone (well, every dog owner) spouted and we fell for it. As a result, our 8 year old was still terrified of animals. We have taken a far more gentle approach and she can now cope with dogs who’s selfish arse owners who think it’s fine to let them run about everywhere.

Some kids are just afraid. You can’t just rub their faces in it and hope it’s fixed. Most of our friends / family who have pets, understand our daugter’s fear and offer to keep the pets away.

Originalfoogirl · 02/01/2018 13:49

So I am the only person who would happily take my dog to stay overnight with a trusted and familiar person so that my guests of all ages could have a nice relaxing stay

Thankfully, in my life, you would not be a minority.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 13:49

“If you had an extraordinarily noisy and rather 'free spirited' child and a couple who had no children and weren't very keen on children wanted to visit, would you ship your child out to stay with other people for the duration?”

If there was somewhere the child liked to go then very possibly. Everyone would have a much nicer time!

Hatsoffdear · 02/01/2018 13:50

Mmm I would be afraid that your child’s screaming would upset my very nervous dog with concequences.

You do need to teach your dd how to behave around dogs op just as around roads or water. It’s life lessons.

And no I wouldn’t move my dog out either and would see that as incredibly rude to ask.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2018 13:52

The problem here Is yours. You cannot make it your friends. She's being good enough to host you. You should come up with a solution yourself.

Could someone babysit your daughter and she doesn't go? Invite your friend to you? Calling your friend and saying let's find a solution together puts her in a tough spot.

On a side note, this is something you need to resolve with your daughter and fast. A healthy wariness and an understanding of how to treat dogs is required. She can't be set up to go through her life terrified of dogs.

Originalfoogirl · 02/01/2018 13:53

teach your dd how to behave around dogs

You can’t “teach” anxiety out of a 3 year old 🙄

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 13:54

“And no I wouldn’t move my dog out either and would see that as incredibly rude to ask.”

Why on earth is it rude to ask? Hmm

Slanetylor · 02/01/2018 14:18

Do dog owners really equate a dog to a 3 year old? I suppose even though we always loved animals growing Up we never acted as if they were children. It's been a reality check to read on Facebook and online that some people place humans much lower on their list of importance than their pets. I've tried everything to get my daughter used to dogs. She sees me chatting and petting my dads dogs and letting them rest in my lap. So I'm obviously not impressed with the comments that blame the mother! But also having seen my mil disown her because she wouldn't inconvenience herself or her dogs for my dd, and having friends stop visiting because I used to let their dogs run free in my home and they don't care to visit without their pets, I've realised that some dog owners are just selfish really. And have no regard for my little girl. So she needs to learn to stop crying at innocent dogs!!! Really. My MIL has the same attitude but we all need to traipse up flights of stairs because she is afraid of lifts and will have a tantrum if anyone even suggests she might go near one to learn to get over it. She never had any incidence either, she just read about someone getting invstuck in one and decided she would never try one.

Dragongirl10 · 02/01/2018 15:10

ORIGINALFOOGIRL...you are right you cannot teach anxiety out of a 3 yr old...BUT you can teach her not to put herself in possible danger by screaming madly, whether she is still anxious is irrelevant..

I think all children should be taught how to behave around dogs for their own safety, even if they are scared and continue to be so.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 02/01/2018 15:27

I have a big dog, I would put her in kennels for someone staying with a severe allergy, but no other reason.

However I’d be very conscientious if anyone, young or old were nervous. Dogs are over friendly most when someone comes in the door. Could you ask them to put the dog on a lead or in another room for the first 20 minutes.

Then tell your daughter to keep her hands down and just sit somewhere when the dog is let out. If she cries and lifts her hands it will get the dog more excited. Get the owners to keep the dog away and keep it under control for the first couple of hours.

Dogs learn to ignore people who don’t pet them and who have very still and boring body language.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/01/2018 17:10

I don't think it's about valuing a dog more than a child it's the fact that the ops friend has kindly offered her accommodation and the op can accept or decline. It would be extremely rude to make the host feel obliged to move their family pet out for the duration of the visit. That's not the basis on which the offer to stay has been made.
The op either needs to decline, invite her friend to stay with her or go alone.
It may be that the friend offers to have her parents have the dog when she realises it is going to be an issue but it would be really rude to put her in the position of having to say no or reluctantly go along with it.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 17:11

If the dog has somewhere to go where it was happy and welcomed you would have to be an arsehole not to "go along with it"..

Hoppinggreen · 02/01/2018 17:14

While I’m more than happy for my large, friendly dog to stay somewhere else and certainly don’t expect to be able to take him to someone’s house. He lives here and guests don’t so if they don’t like it they needn’t come

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/01/2018 17:14

Well what if the friend just doesn't want to inconvenience her parents again? What if they are already dog sitting for her soon and she doesn't want to take the pee?
She hasn't invited the op on the basis that the dog will be out of the house. The op can't just accept them drop it on her friend that the dog can't be there. I can't see how that is anything other than incredibly rude.

RandomMess · 02/01/2018 17:18

@pipnchops I started with praising DD just walking on the pavement on the opposite side of the road to the dog. Then I enlisted friendly calm dogs to observe a bit closer and then worked up to patting them.

We now have a dog!

I also acknowledged that the dog did seem scary and it is worrying not knowing what it could do etc.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 17:18

We're not talking about making demands! We're talking about asking if something can be sorted out. If it can't, it can't. But I would be really sad ifa friend of mine felt they couldn't even ask!

Jigglytuff · 02/01/2018 17:20

“I don’t like children. I’m going to stay with my friends next weekend. WIBU to ask for the children to stay with their grandparents for the weekend?”

You don’t like big dogs. Don’t stay with people who have big dogs

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 17:23

People just take leave of their senses about their dogs, they really do.

ginandnappies · 02/01/2018 17:26

A sibling of mines was terrified of dogs, my mum and Dad got one. Within a week he wasn't scared anymore. I think you need to slowly start introducing her to dogs. You run the risk of making it worse for her. X

codswallopandbalderdash · 02/01/2018 17:28

Why is it some posters think everyone should love dogs? Its terrifying for young children when dogs run at them barking. Sadly IMO too many dog owners keep dogs off leads and not really in control even around places like play parks. OP child does not have a phobia - she has just been scared.

Myzyllfta · 02/01/2018 17:30

I really petrified of Alsatians and always have been. I stayed over at a former boyfriends parents who had an Alsatian when I was in my early 20’s and it was the most scary experience of my life. I went to the loo in the night and heard the dog walking around and ended up spending the rest of the night locked in there too afraid to move out. I am totally fine with small dogs though. I could never ever stay in a house with a dog I was scared of and I would tell my hosts that I couldn’t come and I know that 99% of them would arrange for the dog to stay elsewhere for the weekend. I get your worry