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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for friend's dog to not be around when we visit?

287 replies

pipnchops · 01/01/2018 22:13

3yo DD is absolutely petrified of dogs and we're planning an overnight stay with some old friends who have a very friendly but very large dog. Whenever they've come to visit us the dog stays with her parents. Would it be unreasonable if I asked them if her parents could look after the dog while we visit?

I would be inclined to think that maybe this is an opportunity for her to face her fear but we recently visited SIL and she has a tiny and very sweet dog and DD screamed whenever it came anywhere near her and was even distressed when she realised it was sleeping on someone's lap next to her.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 15:08

Would you consider someone an arsehole or unhinged if they didn't want to send their child to gps so they could host a dinner party?
I'd think it was a bit weird for someone to accept an invitation to the dinner party of someone who was a parent if they had a fear of children.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/01/2018 15:09

And it's not a choice of asking for the dog to be removed or turning up and having the child scream. The op needs to tell her friend she can't go!

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 15:13

But slane a grandchild shouldn’t be a Radom child that’s mad.

Pink this universal love of all children strikes me as strange. I love my dog and I don’t love my neighbours toddlers. Nice as they are.

Regards the fire comment I would save who I could. Animal or human.

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2018 15:28

So the OP and her friend are going to be denied the pleasure of spending time together. Hmm Completely insane,

heron98 · 03/01/2018 15:53

I think they should make sure the dog's not there if your child is scared. I also dislike dogs and wouldn't stay with anyone who had one.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/01/2018 16:16

Why does the child have to go? If she’s that scared, rather than putting out the friend, why can’t she go elsewhere (I appreciate not everyone has someone to look after their child)? Surely the adults would be able to have a more relaxed evening?

I don’t have a dog but if someone had a fear of cats I would expect them to decline the invite as there wouldn’t be anywhere else for my cat to go. I wouldn’t be upset or offended. Thankfully I live in a one bedroom maisonette so no one is going to be staying anyway unless they want the shed!

GinGeum · 03/01/2018 16:38

I can see both sides of this. I grew up completely petrified of dogs until early adulthood, and now we have two dogs of our own.

I am more sympathetic than DP is to those who visit is with a fear of dogs, so if it’s an adult, generally I will keep the dogs in the car or in the garden just as they arrive, so they aren’t bombarded with the dogs as soon as they walk through the door, and then let the dogs in once everyone is settled. I have asked family to have them on other occasions when children are coming to stay with a fear.

I think I would feel hurt to be asked to send the dogs away though. Which is silly really, when I have done it in the past. I can’t put my finger on why I would feel like that.

FWIW, the thing that helped me was meeting lots of friendly dogs. My fear was based on dogs that jumped up, so meeting older, slower dogs really helped my fear. If you had told me as a teenager that I’d have two dogs of my own curled up around me on the sofa, I never would have believed you!

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 03/01/2018 16:45

The best way to get my three barking, jumping about and acting up like a bunch of crazed wolves is to shut them outside or in another room!

Dietcokebae · 03/01/2018 16:51

On the basis that your friends might also find it stressful for your child to be so frightened of their dog, I would bring it up in advance. Just say to them that you don't want her to frighten the dog or cause disruptio, and suggest that you could stay in a nearby hotel and do activities during the day that don't involve the dog.

As long as you're apologetic and show that you're the ones willing to take on the inconvenience of staying somewhere else if needed I don't think your friends will mind, and an all likelihood they'll offer to have the dog stay somewhere else for the weekend.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 03/01/2018 17:12

You could ask but it could put them in a really difficult position. I used to have several people who would take my dog but due to different personal circumstances can't do that any more.

The kennels are expensive and won't take him anyway unless he has a kennel cough vaccination. Which he doesn't as when we go away we look for dog friendly accommodation or camp.

Id put him in another room for a brief visit but not for overnight. It's not fair really, plus as a pp said he'd whine and bark because he wouldn't understand why he had been excluded.

You get a lot of people on threads like this that express shock over people evidently considering their dogs more important than other people. I don't think like that but he is a tie and I do have responsibility for his needs.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/01/2018 17:18

Yanbu to ask. A small child takes precedence over a pet.

Jigglytuff · 03/01/2018 20:56

Well this thread has been a real education. I'm in my 50s, have had a dog for less than 3 years and now I'm a 'dog person' because I wouldn't turf one of my pets out (any of them) because my friends want me to reorganise my life so they can visit.

I like having friends to stay but it's a bit of a pain in the arse. If they wanted me to rehouse any of my pets, there's no chance. This is my home and it comes with dogs and cats. If you don't like it, that's fine, don't stay :)

ForalltheSaints · 03/01/2018 21:02

I had a dog jump in my pushchair when younger than the OPs DD. There is no way we would have stayed in a house with a dog. My parents would have politely declined the invite.

Slanetylor · 03/01/2018 22:12

As I no longer visit friends who have dogs with my dd, my friends who don't have dogs are much more acquainted with her and it's strengthened our friendship. I'd never really thought on it before. I suppose it has caused friendships to fade. But that's life.

Devilishpyjamas · 03/01/2018 22:26

I couldn’t really ask my parents to have my dog at the moment because they have him (& my younger children) on regular occasions to help me out for something more important than a visiting friend (visiting my son in a hospital an 8 hour drive - each way - from home). Their dog and my dog together are a bit of a PITA so I wouldn’t want to ask additional favours at the moment.

My dog likes to be near me if I am in the house so shutting him in a room doesn’t work well. He will go and lie in his basket when told to but it’s in a central place.

So plenty of reasons why dog owners may not be able to just shunt the dog off elsewhere.

As I said pages back one of the reasons I decided I really needed to tackle ds2’s dog fear was because so many of his school friends had dogs and he was so OTT around dogs that parents were telling me they just couldn’t have him over anymore.

Getting our own dog worked with him. He’s not an ideal dog for scared children now because he is excitable and large (retriever). Has the sweetest nature though and ds2 soon bonded with him as a puppy. For ds2 having lots of puppy exposure seemed to help (which is a bit odd as puppies are so bouncy). I guess they’re not scary bitey (although they definitely can nip). Anyhow ds2 was very comfortable with him as a puppy. He’s still has a slight nervousness around dogs (which ds3 doesn’t have) but it’s not a fear - just a caution.

CageyBee · 03/01/2018 22:56

Kaya is weirdly over invested in other people’s children.

OP if you were coming to stay at my house you’d have to accept my dog or stay elsewhere. It’s the dogs home- not yours.

KayaG · 04/01/2018 06:35

Kaya is weirdly over invested in other people’s children.

Did you mean to be so rude? Wink

What's weird is people preferring animals to children, shame you don't realise that.

If it's weird to say children matter more than animals then I plead guilty. Odd that anyone thinks otherwise.

MushyPeasAndPie · 04/01/2018 08:23

What's weird is people preferring animals to children, shame you don't realise that.

Well I actively choose not to have children but choose to have a dog so I definitely prefer animals to children. But then I think lots of things other people prefer wouldn't be for me but I can understand that we are all different.

Woolfrai · 04/01/2018 08:45

What's weird is people preferring animals to children, shame you don't realise that.

I can't have children. I do have two dogs; I realise they are not children but they certainly are family. Mentally, they act as a comfort. I may well get flamed for it, but of course I prefer my dogs to someone else's children! Why wouldn't I? It doesn't mean my dogs are allowed to be a nuisance to others, but I would not send them away on a whim either - it would have to be in the best interests of the dogs first and foremost.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/01/2018 08:59

It’s not even about preferring dogs to children. As a dog owner you have a responsibility to the dog so can’t do something that will distress them (shutting my dog away for a weekend would make him very anxious - other dogs may be able to cope). Equally you have w a responsibility to other family members - which is why I wouldn’t send my dog off to my parents just for a visiting friend. As I said above I do send him to my parents for Hospital visits and had to send him to them in September for a couple of weeks while ds1 was home, but they’re doing me a big favour and I wouldn’t want to take the piss.

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2018 09:06

Oh ffs-of course you have a responsibility to your dog! But the OP's friend's dog goes to her parents when the friends visit her-so there really is no problem in asking whether the same could happen when they visit her. It's not a demand or an instruction it's a "is it possible..?" question. And if it isn't possible it isn't. Like my Aga man-I make sure that my neighbours are in and happy to have my dog before I make the appointment. I don't insist that he services my Aga while in a state of irrational terror. Because that would be the behaviour of an arsehole.

CatkinToadflax · 04/01/2018 09:13

Haven't had time to RTFT.

Completely agree with GinGeum. I too grew up terrified of dogs, and it became a real problem throughout my childhood because my fear was never addressed properly. I too gradually found that the big, slower dogs were easier to get used to than the smaller bouncy yappy ones. When my elder DS also showed signs of being frightened of dogs, we decided to use 'tough love' and became dog owners ourselves. Our incredibly lazy Labrador is snoring loudly on the sofa as I write this. DS adores our dog and is becoming much less frightened of others.

OP, I really think you need to work with your DD to reduce her fear. Obviously she's still very young, but please please don't let her grow up with the same intense fear of dogs that I grew up with. Dogs are everywhere, you can't avoid them. This is obviously a comment for the long-term rather than what you should do regarding your friend's invitation. I would talk to your friend about DD's fears and finding a solution, but I really think it's unreasonable to ask her to send the dog somewhere else when you're staying there.

greendale17 · 04/01/2018 09:23

As a dog owner you have a responsibility to the dog so can’t do something that will distress them (shutting my dog away for a weekend would make him very anxious - other dogs may be able to cope).

^Comlletely agree with this. My parents dog wouldn’t cope either

Chickenagain · 04/01/2018 10:16

I dogsit for a living and a few of my clients have their dogs stay with me when they have visitors, parties, weddings or even dinner parties.
Obviously I adore dogs and my own is an absolute sweetie, but wouldn't hesitate to get her looked after away from my home if a FRIEND was coming to visit and there was a need.
Speak to your friend and ask her if her dog would be okay with a terrified child in the house and if so, could you take the opportunity to help your DC. If not, would it be at all possible for the dog to go to the GPs but you all take it out for a nice walk a couple of times.
TBH I can't understand all the hostility towards friends.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/01/2018 11:22

Didn’t you read my post Bertrand? I said I already impinge on my parents a lot with my dog so
I wouldn’t be willing to do it for a friend’s visit (as that would be an indulgence for me and PiTA for my parents). I’d happily try and arrange a few extra hours with the dog walker to accommodate a friend or leave my dog at home and meet friend out and about. But overnight with my parents when they’re already doing that every other week? Nope.