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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for friend's dog to not be around when we visit?

287 replies

pipnchops · 01/01/2018 22:13

3yo DD is absolutely petrified of dogs and we're planning an overnight stay with some old friends who have a very friendly but very large dog. Whenever they've come to visit us the dog stays with her parents. Would it be unreasonable if I asked them if her parents could look after the dog while we visit?

I would be inclined to think that maybe this is an opportunity for her to face her fear but we recently visited SIL and she has a tiny and very sweet dog and DD screamed whenever it came anywhere near her and was even distressed when she realised it was sleeping on someone's lap next to her.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 03/01/2018 00:54

Your DDs fear of dogs is not their problem and they are under no obligation to send their pet away for a night just for you"
Of course they aren't. But there's this thing called friendship- heard of it?

PixieXox · 03/01/2018 00:56

There's also a wee thing called a hotel if you're going to be picky about who's staying. I'd never send my pets to stay somewhere else because someone wanted to bring their child to stay.

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2018 01:00

Dog people just get out things out of all proportion. It's insane.

Jenny70 · 03/01/2018 01:35

My DS was terrified of any dog, regardless of size, for no apparent reason (no incident we knew of).

When we went to visit my brother, we stayed elsewhere so he wouldn't be in the house with the dog all the time, but we were over there each day - we kept the dog inside/outside away from DS, but within the week he had warmed to dog, especially commanding it to sit etc.

But next dog he saw he was back to terrified again. Same experience 12 months later with other friends, we stayed elsewhere but saw dog each day, by the end of the week he was commanding dog, confident etc.

So my advice is speak to your friends, see if there is an area that is dog-free in their house where DD can be... might be they are happy to keep dog outside/downstairs etc. With management and supervised contact (if DD wants it) she might improve with her dog phobia. I found warning my son that dogs were around in a positive way "Oh snoopy will be there, how cute is his little tongue, do you think he likes treats, wonder if you can teach him a trick" he wasn't anxious leading up to it, and then keeping them separate through the initial excitement worked well.

christinarossetti · 03/01/2018 07:38

I agree BertrandRussell. OP is talking about the dog spending the night in the same place it does when this family visit them so that everyone has a relaxing time, not some sort of cuckoo in the nest situation.

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 08:32

Someone uothread asked if you equate your dog to a 3 year old?

Of course I love my dog more than some random unknown 3 year old!!! Why wouldn’t I?

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 03/01/2018 08:40

I’m confused why people are mentioning the dog that obviously has s serious medical condition and went mad. Lots of people’s le do and go and shoot everyone. Should we keep outlet keep ds away from people? It’s important your DD gets over her fear. It could b dangerous eg running not the road to avoid a dog etc. I’d say stay in a hotel, chat with your friend to see if she can limit exposure to dog

KayaG · 03/01/2018 08:46

Of course I love my dog more than some random unknown 3 year old!!! Why wouldn’t I?

Because it's weird and abnormal.

thegreylady · 03/01/2018 08:46

Explain to your friend and ask that the dog be in another room when you arrive. Tell your dd that a lovely friendly dog lives in the house but she needn’t see it . Then ask your friend to put ddog on a lead and get it to lie down by her chair. Make a point of petting the dog yourself but do not suggest your dd approaches it. Possibly go with your friend when she walks the dog. If it works your dd might put her hand on the lead and walk along with them. Do not have the dog unrestrained with your daughter and don’t mention her being afraid of it. You can tell her this doggy really likes little girls and understands she might not want to play.
It’s all a bit longwinded but if the dog is really soppy it could work. Make sure she knows that the dog will not be allowed where she is sleeping and if possible you sleep with her. Good Luck

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 08:56

Kaya

You really think it’s wierd to love your pet more then a child you don’t know?

How odd.

I love my 5 children, I love my grandchildren and my Neuces and nephews. I love dh and my parents and pets.

but I don’t love every other random child in the world! Do you? Wierd.

JustTheTip · 03/01/2018 08:59

kaya there are people on mumsnet who would save their pet over another human being in a life or death situation. It’s sad.

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 09:03

don’t actually think we are talking life or death situations though are we?

It’s sad that some people can’t understand the love people have for their animals.

Nikephorus · 03/01/2018 09:03

Personally I wouldn't want a child that screams loudly when she sees a dog coming anywhere near my dog (or me for that matter) - surely common sense would say that the OP should be sorting that out pronto because no dog wants to be screamed at, it's just asking for trouble. This isn't just a problem with going to friends' houses, this is everyday life where people aren't expecting some random child to scream without warning.
And strangely I wouldn't send my dog away - I'd expect the child to not come. I always keep my dog shut in a room if I have people here servicing the boiler etc. but if you're visiting me then you have to accept that I have a dog just the same as if I visited you and you had screaming kids I'd have to endure them.

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 09:08

Do people really actually love children they don’t know more than the family dog?

Guessing those people are not pet people. Wink

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2018 09:14

“It’s sad that some people can’t understand the love people have for their animals“

But that’s not what we are talking about. We’re talking about a dog spending one night at a familiar place with people who love it so that the op and the dog owner can have a relaxed evening together.

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 09:18

But it would be rude of the op to request the family pet be sent away for the night wouldn’t it?

Being a good guest is not causing the hosts hassle isn’t it? If the host offered then fine but to ask is rude.

Slanetylor · 03/01/2018 10:57

I suppose I'm coming from it from my own personal experience. My dd is just a random child to her own grandmother. Her own grandmother doesn't love her because the opportunity never arose. Every child will be " random" unless you allow them into your life in the first place.

Slanetylor · 03/01/2018 11:00

This is the woman who won't visit because dd is afraid of dogs. Dd is afraid of dogs because one of MIL's attacked her as a toddler. She doesn't remember the incident but the fear remains because it happened at just the right age to bypass any attempts at logically explaining most dogs are lovely.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 03/01/2018 11:12

I'd happily move my dog to my mums for the night in this situation and wouldn't see it as rude or be offered at all and think it's ridiculous anyone would but we are the generation who just love to be offended at anything and everything so it seems Hmm

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/01/2018 11:13

Threads like these make me glad I never have people to stay!

Next door have a 3 year old, a nice enough child but I certainly don’t love her. That would be weird. I do however love my cat as I know him far better than next doors child!

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2018 11:21

“But it would be rude of the op to request the family pet be sent away for the night wouldn’t it.”

No. Rude to demand. Not even remotely rude to ask. A bloody sight ruder to put the hosts in the position where a child is terrified and a dog probably upset and the evening spoiled when they could easily have done something about it. It’s like people who don’t tell you in advance they are vegetarian because “they don’t want to be a bother”.........

Slanetylor · 03/01/2018 11:21

But someone said you wouldn't send your child away so why should I send my dog away as if they were exactly equal relationships. As if you had a chance to save either your dog or your daughter from a fire that it would be a really tough Sophie's choice.

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2018 11:27

And actually I might “send my child away” Hmm (aka send them to be fed late night ice cream by doting grandparents) if I wanted to have a relaxed adult dinner party.........

Slanetylor · 03/01/2018 11:38

I would too! And have done. But they are only children not as important as pets like.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 03/01/2018 14:54

If I were your friend, and we couldn't meet up that often and we finally managed to find a date that worked for everyone but the one issue was my dog, I'd definitely consider asking my mother in law to take her for the night. I love the life out of my spaniel but as with most spaniels she is energetically jolly, and whilst for me it's no issue, the thought of her scaring a child would make me feel really sad. People can't help the things that they are afraid of, and I'd hate for you both to be feeling uncomfortable in my home because of my dog. If she wants to move past her fear, greeting a dog in a confined space is in my opinion, not the way to do it. Especially if the dog is suddenly confronted by new people and smells. Best of luck OP 😊