To ask for friend's dog to not be around when we visit?

[pipnchops]

3yo DD is absolutely petrified of dogs and we're planning an overnight stay with some old friends who have a very friendly but very large dog. Whenever they've come to visit us the dog stays with her parents. Would it be unreasonable if I asked them if her parents could look after the dog while we visit?

I would be inclined to think that maybe this is an opportunity for her to face her fear but we recently visited SIL and she has a tiny and very sweet dog and DD screamed whenever it came anywhere near her and was even distressed when she realised it was sleeping on someone's lap next to her.

As much, as I try to sympathise with someone who has a dog phobia, I would be annoyed if anyone suggested that or tried to make it my issue. I have two extremely gentle dogs and it is their home. Someone who does not live in my home, even a child, does not rank above my pets. What a ridiculous idea!

I'm always bemused by people who can't talk to their friends and families about the most basic of things.

Of course you are not unreasonable to ask, you would be unreasonable if you were pissed off if she said no but just talk to her about the situation and see if there is a compromise,

I've been scared of dogs my whole life (I'm 56) no amount of therapy has changed that although my coping mechanisms have improved. My friends and family are good enough to accommodate my fears and if they can't (or don't want to) then I just don't visit them, or meet them somewhere else.

Lots of my friends have recently acquired small dogs and I have even allowed them in my home as well as visiting theirs. As long as the dog stays away from me (and is smaller than my shin height) I can deal with it.

Do not listen to people who say she will just have to get over it, slow but steady is the way to go. Gentle introductions on neutral territory.

You need to get her help for this, her natural reaction is probably going to be scream and run which is the worst thing to do. You need to teach her to stand still, fold arms/hide hands and turn away. That needs to be her natural reflect to meeting a dog, for her own safety. She doesn't have to like them but she does need to stay safe.

My three year old nephew was scared of my dog. He would scream and shout that the dog might bite him. We virtually ignored the fact that he was scared and everyone would stroke the dog and tell her what a good dog she was. Suddenly my nephew decides he loves dogs and is following her round and cuddling her.

Don’t make a thing of her fear because you will reinforce it.

I would tell them about the problem and offer to stay in a hotel. They might decide to put the dog round their parents house for the night. Personally I would put my dog round my mum's so that my friends could stay over, but clearly not everyone feels like that.

Yes talk to them. If you mentioned it to me (my dogs adore children and are very good/patient with them) I'd make sure they had beds in another room I could put them in if there really was a problem.

Unreasonable to expect it, possibly not unreasonable to ask if its possible, definitely unreasonable to be pissed off if the answer is no.

Canine professional hat on - this is NOT the time to work on your childs phobia, nor is it the way to work on it.

IF your friend wants to help with this phobia you'll need to ask, ensure their dog can cope with whats necessary (being shut out of a room witha babygate, being in a room on a lead with a child far away, potentially sudden screaming or sudden unpredictable movement from child)...

They could send you a photo of the dog for you to use and show your child and talk with them about the dog.

If you live near enough then the next thing might involve short visits to huge open spaces where the dog will appear in the distance and you can follow them and talk about the dog...

Then similar but in smaller spaces

Thne possibly in their home using gates to separate dog and child

Then possibly in the same room.

I think realistically you would be FAR better finding a dog trainer who runs classes to help you with habituating your child to the presence of dogs as they are far more likely to have access to suitable dogs, sufficient dogs for your child to generalise and understand how to do this safely!

She is scared of dogs because she saw you being so scared of dogs. You will need to relax and show her the right way to behave.

I think it is worth warning your friends but don't try to make it their problem. They'll probably offer a solution. I would always try to put a visiting child at ease. That said, no way would my dog being leaving the house for a visitor.

Could you leave your dd with someone while you visit?

Offer to stay in a hotel - they may then say the dog could go to their parents, but that suggestion has to come from them, not you.

She is scared of dogs because she saw you being so scared of dogs. You will need to relax and show her the right way to behave

That's not necessarily the case. No-one else in my family as I was growing up was scared of dogs. I have two teenagers who are perfectly happy with dogs despite me never having hid my fear from them.

I think realistically you would be FAR better finding a dog trainer who runs classes to help you with habituating your child to the presence of dogs as they are far more likely to have access to suitable dogs, sufficient dogs for your child to generalise and understand how to do this safely!

Widdlin - that sounds like an excellent idea!

When I was a kid we always had at least two dogs (Labs and Collies) and I would go with my Mum to dog training classes, so I gained confidence from that about giving commands etc.

OP - Talking about your DD made me think of this video.

This is a 4yr old girl taking charge of 6 male pitbulls at feeding time.

Up until age 13, I was absolutely petrified of dogs, mostly medium and large dogs. I remember being very young and always asking to be picked up if a dog was near, and be glued to my dads hip if we went to a house that had a dog. I was chased by a Rottweiler when I was 8, although the dog was just playing, however I instantly thought the absolute worst. I got over my phobia as my family bought a Bassett hound when I was 13 and then a year later, brought home a working cocker spaniel. I have 4 dogs now and If we have guests who come over and are afraid of dogs, then I just make sure they are separated from the guests at all times, however I wouldn’t be willing to send my dogs away for the night. When I was younger and we went to someone’s house, my mum would just ask if they can be separated due to my phobia.
Growing up my grandparents bred bouviers, and had about 6 fully sized adult dogs always at their home. when visiting their house they just kept them in the kitchen and I stayed in their living room, growing up I think I went into the kitchen 3 times, when the dogs were on a walk or in the garden, and if one managed to get out and go into the living room I just very quickly walked over to my mum who was sat on the sofa and hid behind her.
I saw at my dentist that they were advertising classes for children that help them get over their phobia of dogs, perhaps that could be useful to you, although she is quite young and a lot of young children who don’t have their own pet dog do become afraid as they aren’t used to dogs. If she is still afraid at age 6 then it can become an issue as you don’t want to be picking up a 6 year old every time they are near a dog. Hope she can overcome her fear.

Ds2 was terrified of dogs. He used to run screaming and waving his arms around every time He saw one, so every dog in the land thought he was playing. He’d end up with long lines of dogs chasing him on the moors or beach. I would be shouting STAND STILL at him - but he woukdn’t:couldn’t.

It began to be a problem as lotS of him friends had dogs and he made such an awful fuss when he visited that he started not being invited.

When he was 8 we got a retriever puppy and he was soon absolutely fine. No problem with dogs now.

Not sure what you can do about this visit but kids can certainly overcome their fears with exposure to a dog they feel comfortable with. Also worth teaching them about dog etiquette and communication so they can start to ‘read’ dogs.

talk to your friend, don't do it by email, explain about your DD's worries and hopefully you can together come up with something like the dog being away from the main living room to start with then gradually getting introduced.

If there are any complications like the dog lives between where DD would sleep and the only loo, then don't do it.

Also she is only 3 and 3 year olds are scared of all sorts. I'm 44 and awful with dogs myself, and I have a son who's been chased by a badly controlled great dane and is nervous. I would NOT label it a phobia in a 3 year old, just like you don't label a child as shy because they'll then label themselves as such. Use more positive language that sets a tone that she will get over it, eg say she is still getting used to dogs. Model relaxed body language yourself as she will pick up even more on what you do than what you say. Having the adults (especially your friend) being very much in control of the dog to start with will help. I've just watched my son make a lot of progress with a lovely dog and I think the key to it was that the owner was so careful to make sure the dog didn't jump up on him etc.

YABU
£30 and an hours drive each way for my dog boarding

My best mate, doesn’t like dogs not an animal person. I’m total opposite. My dog very much part of the family etc. If my friend visits i make sure the dog is not around. When they have stayed I have kept our dog at my sisters. She has never had to ask but I wouldn’t mind if she did.

I value her friendship and my sis loves dog sitting. I would just ask. No harm done. And I agree with the person who said about contacting dogs trust. They are a super charity and will help your daughter.

Talking to your friend is the right thing to do OP. Hopefully, she'll be able to leave her dog with someone else.

So many children are scared of dogs having had off lead dogs running up to them, barking and jumping. It can take a long time to overcome these fears (especially as it's likely to happen again at some point as there are so many poorly trained dogs around).

I have 2 daughters who claim to be afraid of dogs. The 8 yo isn't really though. She just takes a few minutes to warm up to them so all dog owners think they are geniuses for curing her fear. The 5 yo is genuinely terrified and it drives me crazy when dog owners insist on trying to cure her by marching their dogs up to her.
I do think yabu though. She is your friend and is not obliged to accommodate your daughter unfortunately. I've a similar problem with MIL. She has chosen to not attempt to make any concessions, won't visit us without dogs, won't put her dogs in another room if we visit. And so has no relationship with our 5yo. That makes me sad for dd. So I do see it from both sides. I don't really see the point of staying in a b& b though. You will have to be back really early to put your dd to bed instead of sitting with your friend.

I would discuss your daughters fears as a scared child can also react in a manner which can scare a dog so it is sensible to have a chat.
I am in the process of getting a dog. both my children are afraid generally about dogs but they have managed over the years to form good relationships with dogs of friends and relatives because I have discussed my children's fears and my sensible friends and family have managed the situation with me, to the point as I say I now feel confident about getting a dog ourselves.

Your child is petrified of dogs - don't go. What on earth are you thinking

It's a great opportunity to be around a very friendly dog with owners who are people you trust. Letting this fear linger any longer will cause more damage as she ages, she will become desensitised to dogs if you bring her around them and act like no big deal. Don't kick up a fuss, just go about normal business and she'll get use to him. At the moment, she's scared of something she thinks it's dangerous and then she's able to avoid it at all costs which doesn't help overcome her irrational disbelief.

Yeah, don't do that. She's 3 and terrified. Forcing her to be in the same space as an unfamiliar large dog that you don't know how it will react is a really bad plan.

Of course you can ASK your friend if she would mind asking her parents if they would be able to have their dog for the weekend. Jesus wept. Children live at home but have sleepover at the Grandparents. The dog goes to stay at her parents when they go away, I’m sure it’ll be happy to go to the Grandparents for a sleepover! You’re not asking her to put it somewhere unfamiliar or at any cost to them.