To ask for friend's dog to not be around when we visit?

[pipnchops]

3yo DD is absolutely petrified of dogs and we're planning an overnight stay with some old friends who have a very friendly but very large dog. Whenever they've come to visit us the dog stays with her parents. Would it be unreasonable if I asked them if her parents could look after the dog while we visit?

I would be inclined to think that maybe this is an opportunity for her to face her fear but we recently visited SIL and she has a tiny and very sweet dog and DD screamed whenever it came anywhere near her and was even distressed when she realised it was sleeping on someone's lap next to her.

I read a while ago that a positive way to encourage your dd to have a change of opinion is to watch lots of doggy inspiring films!! Marley +Me, 101 Dalmatians etc. She can see dogs in a friendly, positive way.

Maybe a dog from Build a Bear?
I know a woman in her 40's who actually left her buggy and ran off when she saw a dog!! Extreme phobias can grow if not addressed as a dc.

You would be very unreasonable to ask her to remove her dog from its home.

Twice over the years people have asked us to put our large dogs somewhere else so they could bring their yappy little dogs in when they visit us. I said, “NO”!

My FIL brought his little yapper in and opened the door and told my dogs to, “Get out”. I let them back in and told him it was their home. Then we discovered a tiny turd in the middle of the carport and he accused my dogs of doing it and so I had to explain arsehole dimensions to him.

Your friend can't ship the dog off because it's the dogs home.

Even if the dog was sent to another room, it will need walked, need out, need fed so your daughter will be around it so that's not practical either.

I think you'll need to find alternative accommodation.

To give a bit of background, in case anyone has any advice on how I can address this, DD has always been wary of dogs but a couple of months ago a big dog ran up to a swing she was on and was barking and jumping up at her, my natural instinct was to jump in between her and the dog and shoo it away, I was quite scared myself, and I don't know if that was the right thing to do but it spooked her. Ever since she will always want to be picked up if we walk past a dog, although she's getting better if I point out they're on a lead. It was only when we recently visited SIL that I realised just how bad this phobia is as she kept screaming at the dog. We went to a beach yesterday where lots of dogs were running around off leads and she was beside herself screaming, wouldn't be put down and just wanted to go back to the car, so we did that. I really don't know what to do.
Then this evening this friend asked us if we could visit and without thinking I agreed to a date and it wasn't until my DH reminded me of their dog that I thought oh no this is going to be a problem!

She loves seeing dogs on television and in books and she has a cuddly dog toy which is one of her favourites!

I'm not a great fan of dogs but you can't ask for a dog to be excluded from their home so you can visit.

www.dogstrust.org.uk/news-events/news/is-your-child-frightened-of-dogs-dogs-trust-is-here-to-help

I don't think you wbu to ask, at the very least they should keep the dog out of sight in a different room, where it can't suddenly rush in. Perhaps the dog is not as friendly/soft as they think and DD can sense this? All big strong dogs are a potential threat to small children. It's natural she feels frightened and vulnerable. I wouldn't want a big dog loose in the same room as my toddler.

If they say no I would get a hotel nearby instead. I'm scared of dogs, when I stay with friends who have dogs the dogs are always confined to the conservatory/garden while I'm there.

Good luck, hopefully you and your friend can work together on this. I have a large friendly dog who is great with my toddler but we have made sure she is a bit more out the way (eg on her bed in the kitchen behind a baby gate) when more nervous friends/family have visited. With prewarning I’ve been more than happy to make it work and it has, with no issues. Including for overnight guests who are scared of dogs - it can be done. Our living room is a floor up from the kitchen so no need for visitor and dog to be on the same floor most of the time and I can keep her in the utility room or kitchen (so out of the dining room) at meal times - she isn’t allowed in the bedrooms anyway. So no contact at all unless visitor chooses it.

If you were my friend I’d appreciate the heads up and be happy to work with you but wouldn’t respond so well to being asked to turf the dog out altogether (my only options would be kennels which I would be very unhappy with and not willing to do).

Good luck!

They must be aware of the situation. Aren't they trying to manage it by minimising your daughter's exposure to the dog?
As a dog owner of two very loved dogs, one of whom doesn't really care for children except my own, I always put them in another part of the house when I have visitors with children. Somewhere the children can't and don't need to access but the dogs are warm and have water. This is for visits of a few hours and I make sure they've had a walk and if they need a toilet break it's easily done without child and dogs crossing paths.
But that's for guests coming for an afternoon. No way would I invite people with a child scared of dogs to stay overnight. I really wouldn't stay there OP. I'd ask what 'are the plans re DC and your dog, because as you know, she's terrified of them. Is it possible for them to avoid each other or would it be easier for us to stay elsewhere as I don't think it's the right time or situation to force her to deal with her fear. It's a bit too full on and the dog wouldn't want her screaming around it either.'

Perhaps the dog is not as friendly/soft as they think and DD can sense this?

OP never said they've met.

OP please don't take my post badly I only want to help but also reading other people's comments too, I've come to this thought:
Your DD is 3. Mine is too. She is way more alert now but for is it is out of the blue. She screams at butterflies! She was not like this before and nothing has triggered her. I don't want her to be afraid so I gently explain but I'm giving her time as it must be a phase. Yes I googled and yes many parents said their kids went through a similar phase lol.

Your DD has an experience so her fear is more than your average 3 year old. They're so delicate at that age despite being so strong in other ways. My neice is an animal lover but a dog pounced on her in the park once and it has been difficult to get over dogs because of it.

I agree with a PP. Why should your DD have to just deal with it so adults can carry on as normal? It isn't fair on her. She is only so little. I guess that's part of the sacrifice of being a parent. I don't want to sound holier than though as I've not been through this experience but a middle way needs to be found. To be honest I wouldn't have arranged it without mentioning it to friend BUT if it happened after you arranged it then yes just mention to her what happened. The only problem is whether your friend will understand you or think you're having a laugh. As a friend I'd think I'd try my best to accommodate your DD but not everyone thinks like that. Even aside from the dog issue, if your DD didn't settle there and needed you throughout the time the adult chat would have to be scrapped anyway? So just take it a bit at a time. Speak to your friend. If she sounds like she doesn't want to try help (even suggesting seeing how it goes and then adapting to the situation as your DD reacts when there), then tell her not to take it badly and maybe you'll need to rearrange for another time as it is a big ask to move your dog out of the way for her and you understand but don't take it badly.
On the other hand if she says shell drop her dog off at X place or not allow the dog near your DD then go and stay. Maybe your DD will relax over time but keep her near you and always be alert in case the dog picks up her dear or she reacts differently etc. It may be hard work but take it as an opportunity to see if it works towards overcoming her fear or whether you're forcing it and need to give her more time.
I grew up around cats but as an adult I have a sudden silly fear and I once dropped a parcel off to a lady who told me to come in and her cat was circling me. I was like a little kid, terrified because I haven't been around pets for years and worried what step it might take next, like pounce on me. If a 3 year old feels anywhere near that then my only thought would be to try and calm her heart. It may go totally fine, it may make her feel worse, hopefully not worse. Just take each moment as it goes and reassure her but don't dismiss her feelings and listen to her if she is feeling uneasy and leave the room with her if you decide to go, when she needs it etc. One day she will be older and you will get catch-up time with friends.

yabu.
Stay elsewhere but try and get your daughter to have a friendly introduction with the dog? My 2.7yo is generally terrified of any random dogs he sees in the street but has become tolerant of gentle friends' dogs that don't bark.

OP - I have a feeling that if you tell your friend about your DD's dog experience/fear it's likely that she'll offer for their dog to go to her parents overnight so that you can all be comfortable and enjoy the visit.

I also worry about her screaming distressing the dog

It's a likely possibility.

Everyone on here miraculously "curing" their dog phobic visitors surely knows that exposure to the dog has to start in tiny doses and be built up over a period of time which encourages mutual trust.

Five seconds for a dog confronted with a screaming terrified child isn't the way to start this. Screaming tends to make even the most placid dog confused and on the defence because it's not used to seeing or hearing humans behave like that.

Seriously OP, this needs to be handled very carefully. Meet your friend without their dog on neutral ground and stay in a hotel.

You can't stay in a house with a dog if your child has a dog phobia. It won't magically cute her. It will just stress out her, the dog and everyone else in the house

This. I was frightened of dogs as a child and remember the terror I felt when my mother would take me to friends houses where there were dogs to 'get me used to them' It didn't work. I just remember feeling terrified and betrayed and my reaction was close to hysteria.

I'm still nervous of dogs but, as an adult, I have more understanding and control of my behaviour. No amount of introducing me to small friendly dogs ever worked. It has to come naturally over time.

Sorry forgot. YABU. You can't keep a dog away from a child for a whole weekend, and you can't ask the owner to ship it out. I'd stay in a hotel. Can't they come visit you in the hotel? Get a babysitter for their children? I wouldn't inflict this on a 3 year old.

Not suggesting an instant cure but often people were afraid because they feel helpless. Teach your daughter to be a tree (google it!) so that she knows how to react. It's amazing the difference it can make.

YABVU and the friend probably wouldnt take kindly to the suggestion.
Your options 1. Stay in a hotel 2. Stay with the dog. Presumably your friend knows about dds fear so maybe she can suggest ways to help e.g.. stair gates. But that's really up to them.

I do understand your reluctance to have DD upset but the longer this goes on the worse her phobia will be and it is hard to go through life being afraid of dogs...their are lots!

I agree with others talk to your friend and find a solution.

But for the future it would be so much better for D/Ds own safety to know it is not OK to scream madly when there is a dog around, at 3 she should be able to understand this.There are dogs who will react to a screaming child so for her own safety it would be sensible to address it.

I have a large calm dog who is unfazed by screetching kids, l often have several kids at my house....

There are inevitably some who are scared of him, although he is too well behaved to push, lick or jump up.....
.what l have noticed is if l speak to the nervous kids at the door and say do not scream, or yell as that is not kind to an animal,
hold my hand and just stand quietly beside me then usually after a few minutes of nothing happening child will (get bored)want to play,

then, l ensure as they come back into the kitchen where l usually am with my dog, l just repeat the message not to yell or scream and hold their hand walking through to the playroom,

honestly it has never take any child longer than a day to become much calmer and happy to walk through without panic...

However l am ALWAYS there to reassure and teach the child about my dog and dogs in general, D dog is never unattended where a child could come by and be scared...

I think if you can stop the screaming, then not pick her up everytime you pass a dog, that would be a good start.

I dont expect anyone visiting my home to love my dog but to ask me to take the dog elsewhere while they visit would be a no from me. Id have to find daycare which is £20 or kennels which start at £30

Maybe on this occasion you should go alone and leave DH and dd at home. You can then relax and catch up with your friend without worrying.

Then, look at sorting out her phobia in advance of the next visit.

Nope! YABU! My youngest DDs mainly my 1 year old has a deep phobia of dogs. My sister who we visit weekly has a dog. I wouldn't dream of asking her to remove the dog when we go to hers. My sister has voluntarily put her dog in kitchen when we visit. I hate that she does it. Although I appreciate it too. (My DD still sits there very wary, even with a gate and door shut) It is the dogs home. I never stay too long as it is not only unfair for my DD to feel uncomfortable but it is also unfair for the dog. If I was going to stay at hers I wouldn't dream of asking her to take dog to her friends house or our Mums house. I would either not stay in her home or hope that daughter would overcome her phobia (highly doubtful)
If the accommodation does not meet your needs, find an alternative.
But I may use this in future with DP.
Sorry Mr skippy, my sister doesn't like you so disappear while she stays here for the weekend.

Don’t pressure your friend to ‘work something out’ (ditch her dog for the night and day), book alternative accomodation. Making a dog listen to your screaming kid and probably behaving in a way that would terrify the dog is unacceptable, as is making people feel they have to dump their dog somewhere to accommodate you.

It’s the dogs home. It’s not your home. Maybe take your son to somewhere more suitable for him.

TBH, I understand you need to work in your child’s fears but... it is not really fair on your friend to be stressing over how your child is going to react at every moment while you are in the house.

I have a friend who has a child with an unreasonable fear for dogs and although I was happy to put my dog in my bedroom if they were popping in for a short time, I absolutely resented the child making such a screaming fuss if he saw the dog as the dog was not even paying attention to him. Honestly, your child will hate it, your friend will hate it, you will hate it, even the bloody dog will hate it.

Stay in a B&B..