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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for friend's dog to not be around when we visit?

287 replies

pipnchops · 01/01/2018 22:13

3yo DD is absolutely petrified of dogs and we're planning an overnight stay with some old friends who have a very friendly but very large dog. Whenever they've come to visit us the dog stays with her parents. Would it be unreasonable if I asked them if her parents could look after the dog while we visit?

I would be inclined to think that maybe this is an opportunity for her to face her fear but we recently visited SIL and she has a tiny and very sweet dog and DD screamed whenever it came anywhere near her and was even distressed when she realised it was sleeping on someone's lap next to her.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 01/01/2018 22:39

You can't stay in a house with a dog if your child has a dog phobia. It won't magically cute her. It will just stress out her, the dog and everyone else in the house.

TinselTwat · 01/01/2018 22:39

You Are Being Extraordinarily Unreasonable
If my friend asked me to do this they would no longer be my friend. Believe it or not, your child's fear doesn't trump the dog's right to be in its own home. If you don't like that then don't go.

EssexMummy123456 · 01/01/2018 22:39

this is daft, its a fab chance for you to help your child overcome a potential life long phobia in about one minute.

So be the sensible adult, introduce the child and dog under safe conditions and help your child to get over this.

MeadowHay · 01/01/2018 22:39

YABU. If it's that much of an issue you should stay in a hotel. You can't be a guest at someone's house and then make demands like that. You don't need to take up their offer of accomodation if it doesn't suit you.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 01/01/2018 22:40

My friend's son is scared of my large dog so when he visits I put him away.

But if he was coming to stay...well....I wouldn't invite them! I don't see why I should send my dog away.

Original poster
pipnchops · 01/01/2018 22:40

Thank you all, this is really useful. I will explain DDs phobia to my friend and see if we can work something out. I don't want to stress my DD out or stress my friend's dog out either so maybe it just won't be possible to visit but I'll have a chat with her.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2018 22:40

We have a cat and shut her out of the room if friends are scared of cats. But I would not send him away. However, friends do do this so you could offer a suggestion, we could stay in a hotel/B and B, or if you would rather we stayed could you send dog to relatives for visit, please? But i do feel it is cheeky and best to be proactive and book a hotel.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2018 22:40

him, cat is male!

EssexMummy123456 · 01/01/2018 22:40

you should do this btw with little baby steps, break it down - but don't leave your child with a life long phobia that you can fix.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/01/2018 22:41

I think you're running the risk of making your DD's phobia worse. You don't know the dog well, you don't know how it will react to any upset from your DD, and you don't know how your DD will cope with suddenly being constantly in the presence of a large unfamiliar dog. I really don't think it's the right way to go about trying to improve your DD's phobia.

I think you need to speak to your friends and explain exactly how your DD may react to their dog. I think it would be unwise to contemplate staying there given how your DD is with dogs at the moment. I would look into the possibility of a hotel instead, and think about how you can manage your DD meeting the dog (if at all).

Ilovelblue · 01/01/2018 22:42

I can't comment on dogs but I have cats. My friend's two boys were scared of them when they came round, the younger one in particular. He kept saying about the one that would come up to him to be stroked "Put him outside, I don't like him!" I pointed out that this was the cat's home and if somebody went into his house and said "I don't like little boys", he wouldn't expect his Mum to throw him outside! The older brother is now good friends with this cat and at long last, the younger one is starting to stroke him. It has taken some time though.

MadameRaleuse · 01/01/2018 22:42

I have been the owner of a very big and friendly dog and I know how scary he was occasionally for scared visiting kids.

However I knew that in advance and my dog cured a good dozen scared kids and adults of their fear.

Tell them. Tell them your kid is afraid and ask for advice. If they say, oh no they'll be just FINE, back off.

If they say well, we will manage that together, give them a chance.

PrincessoftheSea · 01/01/2018 22:43

I have always been scared of dogs and I just don't go to peoples houses if they have dogs.

I have tried to "face my fears" but now I am an adult have realised I just don't like dogs and I am ok with that. I would not expect friend to send dog away, but explain the situation. I do not agree with people who say you must expose your dd and get her to face her fears as for me that has always only been traumatic. I could never stay in a house with dogs.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 01/01/2018 22:43

That's a good plan OP.

She might offer to send the dog to her parents, and so it will work out.

NotInMyBackYard1 · 01/01/2018 22:44

Maybe you could work with your DD on not screaming - if she doesn't like dogs then that's fine, but she needs to learn to be quiet around them. Possibly watch some puppies/dogs on youtube and desensitise her a little?

VictoriaMildrew · 01/01/2018 22:44

My dog is very calm and gentle with children, but I'm not sure how he would react to a child screaming at him...that would be quite scary I imagine, so he might, as could any animal, act out of character!! So yes, you are BU to put an animal through this kind of distress. However, your first priority is your child! How have you been helping to treat this fear? And how/why is it so very bad that your child screams like this? I'd be more concerned with this than visiting friends and 'catching up'! I hope you get some help for this phobia soon...dogs are everywhere.

SavoyCabbage · 01/01/2018 22:44

If your dd is scared and the dog reacts to this then she’s goi g to be even more frightened of dogs. And your friend is going to feel bad and have to put her dog elsewhere while you are there.

I’d stay in a hotel for this visit try to work on your dd’s fears.

PrincessoftheSea · 01/01/2018 22:45

I also have cats amd have friends who don't like cats and when they visit I respect that and lock my cats away.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 01/01/2018 22:46

When my 3 yr old was petrified of dogs, we went to stay with my aunt who had 2 large friendly dogs.

Auntie said she'd try and keep the dogs in the kitchen, but with so many people walking around and making cups of yea, it just wasn't practical

Aunt and I acted very calm around dogs and explained to DS how to stay calm

After 3 days he was stroking them!

It was all about finding that fine line where you acknowledge the child's fear without reinforcing it.

codswallopandbalderdash · 01/01/2018 22:47

Why does everyone think the OP DD needs to address her fear - at age 3. I expect something caused it (like an uncontrolled dog jumping up at her or large dog running at her). She will grow out of it with support. Don't see why she is to be expected to deal with this - stay elsewhere.

Ashamedandblamed · 01/01/2018 22:47

can't wait for your friend to post about you and everyone comment like what a cf hun tell her to stay in a travel lodge.

😂😂😂

NataliaOsipova · 01/01/2018 22:47

We can't stand dogs (that said, in the sense we all find them really unpleasant rather than anyone is scared of them) and I wouldn't have one in my house. Equally, though, I don't think you can ask people to turf their dog out of their own house. In your position, I'd book a hotel and explain why you've done so. If they're willing to make arrangements for the dog then they are likely to offer to do so at this stage. You would be a bit unreasonable to ask, I think.

stayhomeclub · 01/01/2018 22:48

Good luck, I don’t think it’s necessarily an opportunity to do some dd dog exposure if you only have a short window of time together. As an owner I’d find that unnecessarily stressful and would definitely prefer to just remove the dog from the situation.

If I had invited you to stay and you told me about your dds phobia I’d happily remove the dog for the duration of your stay if that was an option. However I’d offer rather than wait to be asked. Yes I love my dog and yes he lives here but I am able to do that and it’s always nice to see friends too, especially if opportunities for a catch up are rare.

AprilShowers16 · 01/01/2018 22:50

Assuming it’s a good friend then just talk her and explain the situation. I have a dog but if I had a child coming to visit who was terrified of dogs I would be happy to send him to my parents for a few days as can imagine the whole visit being ruined and stressful trying to keep the dog and child separate.

codswallopandbalderdash · 01/01/2018 22:51

PS - I agree with PPs who say that the dog is likely to get stressed too and behave in a different way which may make things worse. Be aware that all dogs can bite given provocation / stress - I've seen threads on here along those lines