To ask for friend's dog to not be around when we visit?

[pipnchops]

3yo DD is absolutely petrified of dogs and we're planning an overnight stay with some old friends who have a very friendly but very large dog. Whenever they've come to visit us the dog stays with her parents. Would it be unreasonable if I asked them if her parents could look after the dog while we visit?

I would be inclined to think that maybe this is an opportunity for her to face her fear but we recently visited SIL and she has a tiny and very sweet dog and DD screamed whenever it came anywhere near her and was even distressed when she realised it was sleeping on someone's lap next to her.

Melon We do this at classes I run and also a local training colleague does it too..

We start with a puppy class where we know theres no big boisterous dogs.

Have kiddo at the far end of the room next to a door they can leave through without having to pass the dogs if necessary.

They have a barrier (table on its side usually) to create a little safety zone and they just sit with their parent and watch the puppies who remain ON lead the whole timea nd the whole class knows not to go within a set distance.

It is up to the child (and their parent, depending on age) how near they get and whether they venture out from behind the barrier, to come and meet a pup or touch one and up to them how thats done. Sometimes they may be happy to meet a pup who is being carried and they get to choose (again with guidance from us) which pup they meet.

For children really scared, we may just bring them in at the end of a class when there are only oen or two puppies still in the hall!

This is all done once we are fairly sure they can be in a room with a dog on a lead in it of course, so parents are asked to do the work with photos of dogs and videos of dogs first.

I've seen this work absolute wonders many times and it is lovely to see a child overcome their fear - they don't all decide they adore dogs and thats not our goal (we actually don't want particularly very small children to become magnetized to dogs and want to run up to them, touch or hug them!), but seeing a kid almost rigid with fear in week one being able to relax, chat with mum, play games and talk to us by week 10 is fabulous!

We saw a beloved pet (my DSis) bite someone once, their lip off to be precise, and we are all nervous of dogs in my family. I don't visit people who have dogs, avoid walks where they are off leads. I don't trust any of them, but understand some people view them as family members.

I don't think you can ask them to keep their dog away. You can tell them your worries though and I would if I were you.

We had this issue with one of ours and it was until we got our own family dog that our dd was able to cope. Yes shewas scared at first with having a dog but what she later told me was when a dog came to say hello it wanted to jump up and say hi and she thought it wanted to hurt her. Once we explained puppy (or dogs generally) were very excited and just saying hello and it's claws wouldn't hurt (she mentioned the dog claws too) it didn't take her long to see our dog was ok. I think too once she realized once dogs knew you they just left you alone as you were no longer a novelty then she came right. And I'll add she really disliked dogs prior to this, and it had made going out very difficult.

Dd is 9. We have a young, excitable, barky dog. One of her friends is a bit scared of dogs. Her mum asked me to keep him away from her. So I popped him in his crate until after maybe half an hour she asked for him to come out. She was then fine. It was the initial excitement of saying hello. Another friend is also the same. He’s put in his crate when she arrives. Then when dd and she go upstairs, I let him out. The only sticky bit is when they come downstairs to go in the garden. Dd comes and gets him, I hold him and they go outside. Once they’re safely on the trampoline, I let him out for a run round and call him back in. A bit of exposure but not too much. But these kids are 9, not 3.

I wouldn’t be offended at sending my dog elsewhere for your frightened little girl if I had a friend or relation to look after him. I don’t though. Your friend does. I hope you manage to figure something out. The main thing for your dd will be that the dog is calm and loving. My dog is very friendly and loving. But not calm. I had a lab before this one, in his older years, he would have been the perfect dog to have around an anxious kid.

I have two dogs but my human friends and family come above them in the pecking order! If we have visitors who don’t like dogs I keep them separate. If the visit is more than a few hours then we work together to make sure everyone is happy as the dogs can’t be shut away from us all the time.

We don’t have anyone local who can easily have them overnight so I’d have to say no if I was asked that but because it’s not practical, not because I’m not willing.

I love my dogs but I’m not at all bothered if other people don’t!

It’s good you’ll talk to her about it as lots of dog owners will try to make it work for you and them without frightening your little girl or the dog.

I should also add. When my dd was 3 and even now at 9, she is very wary of other people’s dogs. On dog walks, she used to scream if other dogs were running around and came near whilst playing with our current dog. He is only young and we got him when she was 7 at the time. She also used to run away from him screaming because he was a puppy and very excitable.

This is a kid, who also loves dogs, who used to smother our old lab in affection. I have had to teach her not to get her face close to other dogs as she also thought all dogs, which she met that were calm at the time were as friendly and loving as ours.

My children were both scared of dogs at times when they were young; it bothered me (as a dog lover but not owner) that their reactions around dogs we encountered tended to exacerbate the issue.

We found that big dogs were easier to get used to than small ones - the unpredictability of small dogs meant that my eldest's dislike of small dogs persisted through to at least age 10-11. Admittedly, for her getting properly comfortable with larger dogs also involved growing taller than them.

I hope you can work something out that gives you a chance to manage your daugter's exposure to this dog and that it can prove a positive experience for her.

It's a great opportunity to be around a very friendly dog with owners who are people you trust. Letting this fear linger any longer will cause more damage as she ages, she will become desensitised to dogs if you bring her around them and act like no big deal. Don't kick up a fuss, just go about normal business and she'll get use to him. At the moment, she's scared of something she thinks it's dangerous and then she's able to avoid it at all costs which doesn't help overcome her irrational disbelief.

^ this +++

OP says she forgot that her friend had a dog, it doesn't sound to me like she knows the dog or whether it can be trusted. A Christmas visit to a dog you don't know imo really isn't the best approach to helping the DD. It's not very fair on the friend for the visit to be part of a scheme to help the DD.

Keeping the dog in a separate room would be an answer to to short visit but would be a lot more complicated for an overnight stay.

The person who actually does help children overcome their fear of dogs is happy to acknowledge it can take 10 weeks. Why do people assume the little girl merely has to meet a nice dog and her fears will melt away! Is there anyone here who has an irrational fear of anything?! Bearing in mind that a 3 year old being afraid of something that could bite her lip off is not totally irrational in the big scheme of things. I'm also a dog lover and always treated them like family members growing up. But I love my dd more.

It's funny, we have just had visitors for Christmas including two children who are terrified of dogs. We have a large and bouncy but friendly dog. We introduced the kids in small doses, putting the dog in another room for most of the time to start with. After two days both kids could not get enough of the dog, they learned how to make her sit, wait and come for a treat and they enjoyed taking her out for walks. They have now gone home begging their mum to get them their own dog. Maybe you will be surprised!

Being scared of dogs is not irrational. Even if they don't bite, they do jump up and lick you and it's really horrible if you don't like them.

I think there are far more irrational fears, quite honestly, such as being scared of lifts (the walls are not going to close in) or being scared of heights (which I am to the extent that I got jelly legs seeing Morse look over the edge of a church tower in an episode of Inspector Morse!)

I am allergic to cats and have stayed with friends with cats who have not been offended about making sure they don't jump on my lap or bed. I don't know if I am allergic to dogs as I don't get close enough to find out, but cat lovers don't seem to get nearly as offended about you not loving their pets.

Is it worth contacting PAT dogs? These volunteers take their calm and well behaved dogs into hospitals, hospices, nursing homes, schools etc so it may well be that there is a PAT dog local to you whose owner would happily take the time to slowly and steadily allow your dd to conquer her fear.

With regards to the visit, talk to your friend, if she suggests dog can go elsewhere then great. If not, postpone visit until dd has had time to get used to dogs.

Yabu stay somewhere else

You can't ask someone to ship their dog off just because your kid doesn't like them :/

It's funny, we have just had visitors for Christmas including two children who are terrified of dogs

Actually it's not - most kids scared of dogs are only copying their parents reactions and feeding off their fears

You panicked at the park OP, a quick 'oh dear, silly soggy' rather than a panicked shoo would have worked better, the dog wasn't biting.

I've known plenty of kids fuss our dog who have been 'terrified' helps that he's cute and placid -

I had it the opposite way round. A family member invited themself and two kids to visit (kids not scared of dogs but my nippy little terrier isn't used to small children and likely to make them scared by barking, jumping etc if not watched 100% of the time). That visit nearly killed me, trying to keep the dog's attention off the (crawling) child. I tried to discourage the visit but family member was adamant it would be fine.

Well, it was, but only because I worked myself into a near-breakdown supervising and keeping the dog separate. Dogs and kids don't really mix unless they are all used to each other. Even the softest dog can react badly to a nervous, squealing, trying-to-run child.

I second you @Iprefercoffeetotea

"Being scared of dogs is not irrational. Even if they don't bite, they do jump up and lick you and it's really horrible if you don't like them"

My son, at age 5, was knocked over by a dog (of a family member). Gevis now 7 and is fine with dogs but was wary for a bit.

He is now 7...

We've had a similar scenario Zapho. Dog owners insist 'it will be fine' when we visited with young children, despite us offering to stay somewhere else. Well, it was but only because I spent the hours between 5.30am - 7.30pm on high alert, actively keeping the small mammals apart.

Never again. We wait until summer and camp down the road now.

I see the dog nuts are out in force! If the dog has somewhere it’s happy and used to spending the night then of course it’s fine to ask.

The man who services our Aga is scared of dogs, so ours goes to a neighbour when he calls.

If it were my dog I wouldn't ship it off but I would put a pressure baby gate up or something whilst you were there to ensure separation of the dog and your dc.

If it were my dog I wouldn't ship it off but I would put a pressure baby gate up or something whilst you were there to ensure separation of the dog and your dc.

Yeah same here

My dog would go mental if it was kept shut away in another room - especially whilst guests were here. YABU. Teach your kid not to screech at innocent dogs.

...and my dog would be over a baby gate in 5 seconds if I tried to shut her away... Only works with tiny/not very active dogs or dogs that are trained to stay behind one. My dog has never encountered a baby gate before, she'd just see it as an agility test.