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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
CheeseyToast · 01/01/2018 09:33

You are being so unreasonable to judge his preference when you don't contribute to the driving. All sorts of factors influence the stress of driving (weather, tiredness, passengers etc) but I think a £200 stopover is a much better choice than an overtired driver. It only takes a few seconds to have a huge accident with massive repercussions.

As to coming home, if he's comfortable with that then I think you need to suck it up. I think v unwise though. Nothing heroic in driving for hours on end. For me, 5 hrs is all I'll do in a day.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 01/01/2018 09:35

I see where you're coming from tbh. His choice given he's driving etc etc, but to be moaned at on one journey and then have a spring in his step on another. Yeah, it would annoy me. I also don't think he gets your undying devotion just because he deigned to drive you at all. People have different roles in families, this is one of his. I'm assuming there's loads you do that he doesn't. Possibly with better grace Grin

For years I was the only driver in my family. I didn't expect dh to worship me for it.

YorkieDorkie · 01/01/2018 09:36

Personally I'd want to get it all over and done with in one day but I've never driven that far before. I couldn't be a passenger for 7 hours but more likely I could drive it. I'd want a couple of decent stops on the way though.

ForalltheSaints · 01/01/2018 09:37

The recommendation for motorway driving is 2 hours before a break, even if just 15 minutes for a cup of coffee. I'd do seven hours in a day but with at least a couple of breaks.

Starting very early on New Years Day I would do to avoid the worst of the traffic that there will be later today. As in the UK we allow almost anyone to drive, roads get very crowded on the last day of a holiday period.

jarhead123 · 01/01/2018 09:37

Yabu

Theweasleytwins · 01/01/2018 09:37

I'm dyspraxic too and think we get extra time to pass in the driving test. It took me three times to pass

k2p2k2tog · 01/01/2018 09:38

We've done longer drives on one day - Scotland to Cornwall is over 8 hours. But we both drive and swap every couple of hours, and it's an easy drive mostly on motorways.

But everyone's different and if your DH think he needs an overnight break on that particularl journey then he takes a break. As a non-driver, you have no concept of how tired he's feeling. He's hardly going to suggest taking a break and spending money on a hotel for the hell of it.

Unless he's making a point about you getting your licence?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 01/01/2018 09:38

Op this is definitely an in-law thing not a driving thing. He wanted to reduce his time with your parents by one day but is flying down the motorway to meet his mates. Then says you have no opinion because you don't drive. Bullshit. I was the only driver in our family for years but my dh always had the right to decide what we did and how we did it. I would've taken the train and you should learn to drive. Bet when you try he'll tell you there's no need and it's a waste of money

glow1984 · 01/01/2018 09:38

@rookiemere maybe it isn’t the hardest thing in the world but IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT SHE THINKS COS SHE DOESNT FUCKING DRIVE

glow1984 · 01/01/2018 09:40

@rookiemere Sorry for the swearing, got a little over-invested

NewPapaGuinea · 01/01/2018 09:40

7 hours in one day is fine with breaks. How far into the journey was the stop over?

sanityisamyth · 01/01/2018 09:41

I've regularly driven 6 hours in a day on my own with a toddler (DS from the ages of 1 - 3) without a problem. Found it easier to go straight through without stopping. DS was in nappies so didn't need a wee break etc.

It's doable but if you don't drive, you need to go with what DH feels comfortable doing.

BewareOfDragons · 01/01/2018 09:42

Your DH is ridiculous. And you're right: it was outrageous to moan about the extra hour of driving and spend £200 and miss an entire day's holiday essentially over it, he can spend 10 hours a day in the car to get to a drunken weekend with his friends? Go figure.

7 hours is very doable if done sensibly. I've done it with a baby and a toddler in the car on my own before.

We've also done longer days in the car, but, tbf, we can share the driving.

Instead of stopping overnight, he could have left early, then you all could have stopped and had a nice walking break somewhere along the way for an hour or two, or a couple of 1 hour walking break stops.

rookiemere · 01/01/2018 09:42

When we go in the car as a family DH drives as he says he prefers it to my driving. Doesnt mean I therefore relinquish all right to an opinion.

diddl · 01/01/2018 09:43

I can see where you're coming from OP.

It seems as if he's doing it deliberately so that you get less time with your family.

Does he not get on with them?

Youngmystery · 01/01/2018 09:44

Sorry you don't have an opinion, you don't drive. Learn to drive so you can have one.

Some people can manage long distances, some can't. On the way there, he had excitable kids in the car due to Christmas. That alone can make a journey tiring even if short.

On the way back they will be quieter. Plus it's a shorter journey, and he gets to see friends, more exciting than seeing family.

Until you learn to drive, you can't complain about how he does the journey. You have zero opinion here.

notafish · 01/01/2018 09:45

I think yanbu because of what you've said that is indicating this is him setting the agenda for when it suits him. A big fuss when it's to see your family, no big deal when he needs to get home to go away with friends and drive some more.

Did he drink last night and stay up till midnight? It could be less safe driving tired than driving 7 hours in one day.

Do you see your family very often? I notice the stereotypical votes of sympathy have come out for a man who has had to spend the holidays with his in laws. I can't imagine a mother getting such a green light on AIBU to rush back home and party with friends for two nights following a dutiful trip to visit her DH's family.

I do think you should learn to drive though and fain sone independence.

notafish · 01/01/2018 09:46

gain some

Ifartrainbowsandglitter · 01/01/2018 09:47

Hi OP. My son has severe dyspraxia but learnt to drive quite easily. He drives an auto but learnt in a manual. Took us all by surprise as he still can’t tie his shoe laces Grin.

BashStreetKid · 01/01/2018 09:48

If we're doing a long journey, I prefer being the driver to being a passenger. It somehow makes the time go quicker, and I prefer being the one making the decisions about the route etc.

Cindyloo99 · 01/01/2018 09:49

Yeah sorry I do think you are being unreasonable driving 6-7 hours is a killer I've done it before and you start to feel really tired. I can understand why you feel frustrated that you had to leave early or stay over in a hotel but it's better to be safe than sorry.
Before I learnt to drive I used to think drivers made a big deal out of these things, now I totally get it. Hotels are always ridiculously expensive this time of year anyway and usually leaving earlier in the morning cuts out a lot of traffic so makes the journey easier

EmmsDad · 01/01/2018 09:51

I used to do the trip from Beds to Aberystwyth regularly as DD was at uni. It is 200 miles dead and 4 hours and even with an automatic, I found that was my limit for the day even with the lovely scenery. So yes IMHO YABU, sorry.

AfterSchoolWorry · 01/01/2018 09:53

Of course he's smiling and positive driving back, to a party, after driving 7 hours, to stay with in-laws, for a WEEK!

He's done his duty, let him enjoy himself now.

FindoGask · 01/01/2018 09:53

"Until you learn to drive, you can't complain about how he does the journey. You have zero opinion here."

What a crock! She and the children still have to do the journey - of course she gets a say.

I do 99% of long distance driving in our family because my husband has back problems. I still wouldn't demand everyone is ready to leave at 6am (in the dead of winter!) or insist on an overnight stay to break up a 7 hour drive.

RandomMess · 01/01/2018 09:53

I think he is being manipulative tbh!!!

He made a huge deal and moaned etc about the first journey but all lightness on this one...

I'm the sole driver in my family, 7 hours in one day perfectly possible with a minimum break of an hour. The difference between 6 & 7 is negligible when stopping.

I find anything over 3 hours very tedious and regularly drive 4-5 hours and often don't need to stop if it's on the 4 hours.