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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 02/01/2018 21:30

I was going to say that you probably need to eliminate the top and bottom end of views and focus on those in the middle.

StripeyMonkey1 · 02/01/2018 21:32

This has really annoyed me.

Drivers are not gods

If one partner cooks dinner, do they then get to dictate the terms of the rest of the evening? Of course not!

It would be completely different if the man in question was concerned about being tired, but the fact that he can manage a 7.5 hour drive to see friends but not a 7 hour drive to see family sounds a bit suspect to me. I'd be very sympathetic if 5 hours in on the family drive he were sheepishly to admit tiredness and suggest staying somewhere overnight but that is not the case here. This was planned and so obviously had nothing to do with driving capabilities.

Op YANBU.

Lizzie48 · 02/01/2018 21:33

PaellaPam, I did actually point out earlier the problem that you're not qualified to drive a car with gears if you learn to drive on an automatic. It's a faff, I don't deny that, I don't much like automatic cars myself but it's the sort of thing that you can adjust to if necessary.

After all, he's supposedly resentful that he has to do all the driving, and this is a way that the OP might be able to share it. If it doesn't bother him that he's doing all the driving then he shouldn't moan about it and make her feel that she doesn't have a right to an opinion.

Another option is to travel by train and hire a car once there.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 02/01/2018 21:40

thanks Waxon.

The main thing that annoyed me are that the drive to my family was treated as an ordeal in planning and in executation for ages before, but the drive back was totally fine. No bother at all.

But this thread has helped me be able to see that as less of a slight on my family or on me, and more of a comment on what part motivation plays in a making a task easier or harder.

Thanks everyone, interesting discussion to read.

Neither me or DH are dicks btw. We're both ok. We just fall out about stuff every now and again. As you do.

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 02/01/2018 21:45

If one partner cooks dinner, do they then get to dictate the terms of the rest of the evening? Of course not!

Well, that's not really a fair comparison. However, does the partner cooking dinner get to choose what they are cooking and when it will be served and what pots they use etc?, then yes they do but I would expect that if the non cooking partner said they were gluten intolerant or would prefer to eat early if possible, they would be allowed a view. If the person cooking was unable to accommodate that then the non cooker would be welcome to make their own.

StripeyMonkey1 · 02/01/2018 21:47

Yes, fair point WaxOn.

I guess it would be more like being 'too tired' to cook for DH's family one day and then to spend hours in the kitchen cooking for friends the next.

StripeyMonkey1 · 02/01/2018 21:49

But then maybe the DH in my example should cook for his own family!

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/01/2018 21:50

I could see what that would feel like the family were being slighted Stripey but the simple reason could just be that they were tired one day and not the next. I sometimes feel too tired to cook and just heat stuff up from the freezer and the next day I'm happy to cook a 3 course dinner. tbf, i'd try to make the effort for guests in either scenario. and again tbf, that's what OP's DH did, he drove the family to visit with relatives.

StripeyMonkey1 · 02/01/2018 21:56

Yes, you are probably right WaxOn. He felt tired when planning the first trip but not when planning the second.

I still tend to find it a bit annoying, but provided the OP has the same leeway for the things that she does in the relationship, then maybe it's fine and healthy.

Postagestamppat · 02/01/2018 22:07

OP: you are NOT being unreasonable.

I can't understand people saying the op is being unreasonable. Her husband is totally taking the piss. Either you can cope with driving 7 hours in one day or you can't (I can - with breaks obviously).

If her husband can't then he should not be driving on the way back for 6+2 hours. If he can, then he is obviously attempting shorten time with the in-laws. He is changing the rules to suit himself and take advantage of the fact that the op is a non-driver to justify it.

This isn't an issue about driver versus non-driver, it is an issue about a man wanting to spend less time with the op's family then get to go on his own jolly, while shouting her down.

Next time, take the train and because you don't want him to have to drive that far. (Although it may be more expensive that the hotel and petrol added together!). That way he won't get to dictate the timings in his favour.

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/01/2018 22:12

then he is obviously attempting shorten time with the in-laws

Not really no, if he was doing that then he would have left the day before and split the journey overnight coming back too.

PaellaPam · 02/01/2018 23:00

Thanks for your input. I enjoyed reading your post

Grin Glad you did.

I fecking hate driving so although I have a license to do it, it's not going to happen unless dh breaks both his legs.

We were stuck in a traffic jam for 3 hours on the M25 on boxing day and I took the wheel while he sloped off for a pee somewhere quiet.
Of course I can drive if I have to, and I will, if I have to.
But I really do not want to. I'd rather he did it. He's better at it than me.

PaellaPam · 02/01/2018 23:17

Neither me or DH are dicks btw. We're both ok. We just fall out about stuff every now and again. As you do

If I posted every AIBU question that my dh foists upon me, I'd have been advised to LTB many moons ago. And likewise him about me.
Oh yes, I am no easy person to live with.

Just open your gob and talk about it. That sorts us out quite quickly.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 02/01/2018 23:21

Non drivers dictating what drivers do really annoys me. Driving is tiring and stressful, if you are not prepared to share the burden it’s tough and you go with what driver says. Can you imagine if s bloke posted the following on here. “My family came to visit yesterday and I would have liked to spend lots of time with them, however, the wife who is a sahm refused to look after the kids for a solid 7 hours so I had to give up some of my time with my parents to give her a break and she’s so much better at looking after the kids than me, I’m not that keen, I find it so stressful. Yet today she’s taken the kids out with her friend for 6 hours and she’s fine looking after them for 6 hours which is nearly as long as 7 hours. She was clearly only doing this to stop me spending time with my family! AIBU?”

Ethylred · 02/01/2018 23:26

All the driving and he's had to put up with his MIL?
YABU and bloody selfish.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 02/01/2018 23:35

ethylred, my mum died recently. as did my dad. which is partly why we went down to spend time with my siblings this christmas. Haven't bitten on other annoying comments, but cannae be arsed with this stupid anti MIL stuff. I spent Christmas day with my MIL and she is a kind and wonderful woman and a wonderful gran to my kids.

and that really is going to be my last post in here folks. Thanks so much again.

OP posts:
PaellaPam · 02/01/2018 23:35

Iwanttobe8stoneagain

Yup. I'd rather be stuck indoors with two tired toddlers than drive for 2 hours up the A1. It's safer and less tiring.

llangennith · 02/01/2018 23:40

Hi OP. Learn to drive. You can do it. Learn in a car with an automatic gearbox. However long it takes, learn to drive. It gives you so much more independence. I avoided learning for a few years but I’m so glad I went for it in the end. Actually, a friend booked my first lesson and I hated her for it!

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 23:50

hooochy so sorry about your mum and dad. No wonder you wanted to spend as much time with your family as possible. Flowers

BashStreetKid · 03/01/2018 01:41

Perhaps the dh doesn't like night driving, (I find it hard); or had checked weather reports and knew it might be unpleasant

Night driving is irrelevant - they could leave at 8 a.m. and, with breaks, be at their destination by 4 p.m. or not much later. On the way back he insisted on leaving at 6 a.m and doing another drive where he wouldn't arrive at his destination before 6 p.m. So apparently around 3-4 hours driving in the dark was fine that day.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/01/2018 02:17

Paella - the OP has already said that she can't "just talk about it" because her DH shuts her down gets more aggrieved/angry with her. So that's not really an option for her, is it - she wanted to AVOID a row, not start one.

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2018 07:31

He didn't have a problem with night driving when he insulated on setting off at 6.00am. And if he had a problem with night driving, presumably it would have emerged before now?

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 08:12

Not to mention it's rude to get all the household up so early so he could set off at 6am just so he could get to a party.

WaxOnFeckOff · 03/01/2018 09:52

See, as I said, he can't win. So what is your solution to that then? He leave the day before and split the journey so OP misses more time with her family or doesn't go to the party? Well I suppose he could just be late but that would mean the person he is sharing the driving with also being late or that he has to drive to the party himself which inconveniences more people?

I take it adults aren't allowed to have events that they might want to go to in case it means that other people may need to get out of bed a little earlier? The OP has already said that she has no issue with him attending this event.

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2018 10:26

No problem with leaving early for the party-if it was part of a family discussion. BIG problem with the different rules for the outward journey. Particularly as we know it wasn't part of a family decision.