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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
Bugsylugs · 01/01/2018 08:24

I think it is unreasonable him being ok to do a further 4 hrs on top of a 6 hr journey with a likely late night and early start before. Hopefully his friend will be doing most of the driving and will be more rested than your partner.
7 hours driving is not too much in one day with regular breaks look at all those who do it for a living.
However it is difficult as you don't drive and he gets to set most of the rules. Seems to me he changes them to suit his purpose

LoniceraJaponica · 01/01/2018 08:24

I would find a 6/7 hour drive very tiring. OH and I always share driving on long journeys so YABU. Sorry.

BikeRunSki · 01/01/2018 08:25

I’d drive seven hours in a day, with dc, and often do, as DM lives nearly 300 miles away. It is tiring though, and more so in the dark, bad weather and heavy traffic. An overnight stop would not be unwelcome. A 7 hr drive would be completmry daunting to someone who only ever drives locally though! It’s different things to different people and their experience.

As the only driver, it’s rather up to your DH though isn’t it?

I also think if he’s just spent few days with your family, he should be free to go away with his friends without any resentment.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 01/01/2018 08:26

Yabu, and a bit ridiculous. That being said, you don't drive yourself so I can kind of understand your lack of comprehension that there is a cut off point for everyone when driving, after which point they wouldn't feel safe. Better that your DH is safe thereby keeping you and your DC safe as well.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:26

Thanks fairylea.

Yes the annoyance is that it's just an hour difference.

But yes I've already realised I have to accept what he wants to do as I don't drive.

I just find it frustrating that a 7 hour drive to see my family is a horrendous task that needs splitting with a night in a hotel. But a six hour drive to go to a party with his friends is totally doable with a half hour break.

But again thanks for all the YABUs. They will help me shut my mouth and wish him well for his party.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 01/01/2018 08:27

My husband used to drive for a living (not in the UK) and they were required by law to have a stop every 4,5 hours for a rest.

So yes, I would see such stretches as very unreasonable and even unwise, as I'm assuming your husband does not drive for a living and is therefore not used to concentrating behind the wheel for such a long time.

mumonashoestring · 01/01/2018 08:29

*So seven hours needs splitting up into two days

But six hours is fine to do with a half hour break? *

For your DH obviously it is, yes. He's telling you what he feels is a safe limit for him for driving in one day, unless you're about to reveal some huge drivers about him being habitually obstructive or a compulsive liar then YABVU. And if you're not in a position to help with the driving then no (and I say this as a non driver who's grateful when someone else is prepared to wear themselves out doing that much driving) you don't get to chip in with what you think is 'reasonable'. Which, let's face it, in this case translates not so much as reasonable (or safe) but more convenient for you.

MMcanny · 01/01/2018 08:29

Yabvu. It is much more of a chore to do the driving. He maybe wanted one less day with your family too. No wonder he needs a break afterwards to recover! Maybe take the train next time. You could even stay longer with the kids while he gets to go back and be with his mates.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:30

I guess yes, it's the changing the rules to suit himself thing that grates.

But yes, he does get to set them as I don't drive.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the perspectives. Happy new year!

( I'm in the back as 9 year old demands front seat and six year old wants me to sit with her)

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 01/01/2018 08:31

I can't imagine not sharing a long journey with DH - we usually drive about 90 minutes then swap as it's so tiring to concentrate like that for long periods of time. It also massively depends on traffic levels. As a non driver, it's hard to understand how mentally draining it is, even though you're sat on your arse. I'd cut him some slack tbh.

KungFuEric · 01/01/2018 08:33

I really think the driver makes the rules when it comes to driving the journey.

Getting up at 6am is totally reasonable when you have that length of distance to drive, it's what hundreds of thousands of people will have done over the festive period to try to ease the pain of festive traffic.

Diddums for you if that's too tiring, maybe you can have a nap. Your husband can't.

BikeRunSki · 01/01/2018 08:35

Surely the 6 hr drive with friends will be shared between them?

MidniteScribbler · 01/01/2018 08:36

I regularly drive 8 + hours in a stretch, but I'm used to it. It's part of life if you live in Australia and want to travel long distances. There is also an element of getting your head pointed towards home - I always manage a longer trip on the way home than I do on the way there. One day I drove 12 hours by myself to get home because I'd had a horrible trip and just needed to get into my own bed or I would have cracked it (I don't recommend that course of action btw!).

Driving with friends is different. If you're alternating driving, you can nap between your driving stints and get refreshed. When I travel with someone, we will regularly do 12+ hours in one day because we can swap.

Dozer · 01/01/2018 08:37

He was NU about the drive to your family’s but wasnU about leaving so very early for the return journey, in order for him to meet friends at the other end of the country so unrealistically early on NY day, and potentially unsafe on his second journey if he’s again the driver, especially if he was up late or drinking.

In your shoes unless your family are reachable by train I would prioritise learning to drive.

Dozer · 01/01/2018 08:38

Why are you letting your DC dictate where you all sit in the car? Jeez.

The front seat is less safe for DC.

onalongsabbatical · 01/01/2018 08:38

So, he's spent Christmas and New Year with your family and done all the driving and you think he's unreasonable for being in control of his own driving schedule and wanting to get back in time to spend an evening with his friends?
YABU.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 01/01/2018 08:39

Also, I agree with PP. DP and I nearly always share the driving if travelling for over 4 hours or so. We drove 7ish hours to see family at the start of the month. Broke the journey up there by stopping for food, then stopping for an overnight after 4 hours and did the following 3 the next day, DP did it all, his choice. Way home was all in one go but we stopped and changed over twice. It's a looooooong drive to do all in one go!!

steff13 · 01/01/2018 08:40

There's always going to be a point where it becomes too much to do in one day. For your husband, that point is between 6 hours and 7 hours. Would you have preferred to leave yesterday, so he could drive a few, spend the night in a hotel, and then finish the drive today?

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:42

Fair enough thanks everyone

OP posts:
laramumofboys · 01/01/2018 08:44

Wtf.
I've only read the first few replies and that was enough. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Where is the support on this site?

Whether 6 or 7 hours is too long to drive in one day, is entirely up to the driver YES but the fact is on the drive down he said it was too far and they had to check into a hotel missing out on OP's day with her family, yet on the way back the drive is absolutely fine because it suits him and he's meeting a friend. Difference between 6 and 7 hour drive, not a lot.

Regardless of whether you can drive OP. I can drive but my husband always does the journeys out of choice (he'd be too bored in the passenger seat) I'd be annoyed if he did this. But I suppose you're over a barrel because he's driving he's in control!

steff13 · 01/01/2018 08:44

The front seat is less safe for DC.

The CDC says children under age 13 shouldn't sit in the front seat. In my state it's illegal until the child is 4'9".

tealady · 01/01/2018 08:48

I would say it depends on lots of other factors. Driving at night is much worse as is driving in poor conditions eg rain. Also if you have difficult bits at the end of a long journey its much worse than at the beginning. I think as a non driver YABU and less than appreciative of what your dh is doing to allow you to see your family. As a driver, sitting in the same position and concentrating for long periods can be very tiring.

KERALA1 · 01/01/2018 08:48

Yabu as everyone else says. Plus it would be a cold day in hell before my 9 year old orders me to sit in the back because she fancies the front! Shock

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 01/01/2018 08:48

Your DH is absolutely right. 7hours is a long way to drive. Hopefully leaving early he should miss some of the traffic. Driving is so tiring, constantly on high alert and having to react quickly whilst hurtling along at speed, whilst you sit there gazing out the window. On this you have two choices, either learn to drive or put up and shut up.

Grimbles · 01/01/2018 08:49

It's not just the actual time driving, but the conditions and traffic levels.

I hate driving in the dark and find it stressful, therefore would find it a lot easier to drive for 6hrs straight starting at 6am, when the roads are clearer and it's getting lighter than I would doing a 7hr drive in the afternoon when traffic is heavier and it's dark.

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