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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 01/01/2018 09:13

You seem to have missed the bit where your DH has had several days off work out of your rather grumpy reasoning.

Driving 7 hours is a lot when you’ve been at work all week.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2018 09:14

May I also just add that I do not like having passengers, so that long a journey with my partner would be hellish for me, kid not so much as he sits there and never questions my driving!

WizardOfToss · 01/01/2018 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSnowballFairy · 01/01/2018 09:15

This isn't about the driving per se, it's about the destination.

He does not want to drive such a long way to see your family.

He does want to see his friends - therefore distance is irrelevant.

Notevilstepmother · 01/01/2018 09:16

Personally I’d be grateful if someone was willing to drive me 7 hours somewhere, but for him to drive you 7 hours to spend the week with his in laws, he sounds like a keeper to me.

I couldn’t do a week with inlaws!

BigBadBoom · 01/01/2018 09:17

Actually OP I understand why you're annoyed...I bet he would be fine doing a seven hour stint if it ended in something he personally wanted to go to! If it was still a 7 hour drive back today would he not do it without complaint rather than miss his party? It's the changing of the rules to suit him which is irritating, so I don't think you're being unreasonable in that respect. Unfortunately though, until you can drive and are able to pitch in I don't see what you can do about it. Other than fume silently, which although appealing, is pointless Smile

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/01/2018 09:19

I think YAProbablyNBU.

Being the driver is a total pain in the ass and an unfair burden to put on one person if you are capable of learning yourself. However, I see your point. From your description of the journeys, it seems he’s happy to drive the long distances if he’s doing something he really wants to be doing, but obstinate and bratty if it’s a family obligation. A 6 hour drive with one half hour break is very heavy going and it really shouldn’t seem more doable than a 7 hour drive with the possibility of plenty more, longer break.

And it isn’t just about the stop over - it’s that it makes it seem he doesn’t enjoy the idea of Christmas with you, his kids and your family as much as a party with a friend.

rookiemere · 01/01/2018 09:20

Oh lord, I do wish people would stop acting as if driving is the hardest thing in the world. OP has the right to her opinion , and yes it does seem fairly arsey to me that her DH moans and groans about driving to her relatives, but is chirpy about a similar drive to see his pals.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2018 09:20

Exactly what I said Snowball, I bet he can't wait to chill out for two days with his mates, I know after seeing my in laws and all that bastard driving I'd be eager just to chill out with my mates over a few cold cidars. After 7 hours there, 6 back the final 4 will be a walk in the park!

Christmascardqueen · 01/01/2018 09:20

Driving takes concentration it’s not at all the same as being a passenger.
Travelling in daylight is better.
Different days and different traffic direction has an impact.
But the crux of the matter is since you don’t drive your opinion is worth zero.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2018 09:22

You do all realise that the OP has got the message now, yes?

Butteredparsn1ps · 01/01/2018 09:23

To be honest my driving tolerance was lower when I had a 6 and a 9 year old in the car. Especially if they were fighting like cat and dog, which pretty much goes with the territory at that age. I would need a break after 2 hours.

On my own, with fewer distractions I could drive for longer, but would need a longish break, and possibly a nap, to contemplate 7 hours.

Your DH is being inconsistent, by the sounds of it, and is probably desperate to see his friend after Xmas with your DP, but driving on with another adult, sans DC would be a lot easier than a drive wit DC.

What I would say, is to challenge your beliefs about dyspraxia and driving. The actual skills involved in the separate actions are straightforward. The complexity, IMO, comes from doing them all at the same time, and you may need more practice. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it though. Though as other PP said an automatic my help.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2018 09:23

Nanny 😂** do you think?

BashStreetKid · 01/01/2018 09:23

I've done 9 hours in a day, picking up DD from university, though that was with a break each way and of course another break when I picked her up. I agree that it's pretty ridiculous to say 6 hours is OK but 7 hours is too much - though at 7 hours I would want at least a couple of breaks.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/01/2018 09:24

So seven hours needs splitting up into two days
But six hours is fine to do with a half hour break

You have ignited the MN hatred of the driving-challenged OP. Of course he's being unreasonable. Seems like he's trying to avoid your family and he thinks nothing of dumping tired children on you while he pisses off with a mate to do what he wants to do.

BashStreetKid · 01/01/2018 09:25

OP, if you learn to drive, go for an automatic. It made all the difference to my dyspraxic DD.

Kitsharrington · 01/01/2018 09:25

Loving all the posters getting their knickers in a twist over driving six hours in one go. What do you think they do in countries like the US or Australia where it’s normal to drive across a state in a day? People are so precious about driving in this country.

Bowerbird5 · 01/01/2018 09:26

The difference is he has been on holiday for the time between. Six hours is ok but seven would tip him over the edge. I find more than five too much for me so I agree with him. The level of concentration needed for driving isn't easily comparable. Add partner and kids in the car and it is extremely tiring. The driver should definitely call the tune for safety reasons. That is often how accidents happen ...driver fatigue, loss of concentration, undue car and attention!
Next time be organised for a stop after about four or five hours and book cheap b&b or have a look at Air B&B.

Llanali · 01/01/2018 09:27

Ha! Agree with above. Four hours home from a horse show after falling off takes forever. Four hours after a big win is a breeze!

EllaHen · 01/01/2018 09:28

I would moan too if I had to drive to see the in-laws. Jeez - you are correct. Of course, it's a much more pleasant prospect driving to see friends rather than in-laws.

It's understandable though. And, he did it. He drove you to see your family.

I would want a pat on the back, not resentment.

SandyDenny · 01/01/2018 09:29

It's not an unreasonable question to ask why the extra hours driving needed a hotel stay. You don't need a driving licence to ask the question.

The DH will probably be driving at least 7 hours today with no mention of it being too much.

Why the assumption that the OP isn't happy to sit in the back, I'm assuming she meant demanded lighthearted

Halie · 01/01/2018 09:30

YABU. I have a 3 hour drive to relatives and personally that takes it out of me. It is really tiring staring at the road for that amount of time, sat in the same position. I wouldn't dream of doing 7 hours in one day - even with a 30 min break. I also set off first thing in the morning because if I go in the afternoon/evening then I've expended quite a bit of energy through the day which makes me tired. I tend to get going straight away and I take a 30 min break for a 3 hour drive.

I also don't think it's unreasonable to go out with his friends when he's spent the new year with you. Also, as he said, someone else is doing most of the driving to get to the party with his friends.

It seems to me that you think this is about something other than the driving and you think he's using it as an excuse to be annoyed with you. As someone who drives everyday - it is tiring. I've never driven 7 hours in one day and I never would - I personally think it's dangerous.

1099 · 01/01/2018 09:31

Why didn't you go down by train with the kids, then he could have driven down at his leisure, and he's obviously happy driving back, so you could have saved the money for the overnight stay and had the extra day at your folks house.

MsVestibule · 01/01/2018 09:32

Why on earth have you switched the airbag off??? It should only be switched off if a baby/child is in a rear facing car seat. If a child must sit in the front, they should be in their usual booster seat (preferably high backed) with the seat pushed as far back as possible.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2018 09:33

Kits I think English roads are far more congested (therefore take more concentration) then some in Australia and some states in the US. I could be wrong though!

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