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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
spanieleyes · 01/01/2018 08:50

When driving home, I just want to get there and am happier to keep on driving so, whilst it might sound contradictory, I can understand why 7 hours going is too far yet 6 hours coming back isn't!

Llanali · 01/01/2018 08:50

Unless there’s a medical reason, my 9 year old would not be dictating car seating arrangements. And if there was a hint of a “demand” about it, she really wouldn’t be getting much negotiation!

I think YABU.

For reference, 7 hours in one day is the point when I will consider a stop over or at least a long afternoon break. 6 hours is ok with just a children and dog pee stop via Starbucks.

steff13 · 01/01/2018 08:50

I would say it depends on lots of other factors.

That's true, too. The last long journey we took, we left Friday after work. It's much different making a substantial drive after you've worked all day than it was in the way back, when we got up and left first thing in the morning.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 01/01/2018 08:51

Yabu - as you don’t drive you don’t know how tiring it is. 6 hours is a bit much too but clearly he feels he can push on through this.
I wouldn’t be able to do 7 hours without splitting the driving with someone too.
And it’s a good idea to drive early in the morning or late at night to avoid traffic and not waste a day travelling.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2018 08:51

I've not read the full thread, but if I was the only driver and had to drive 7 hours to see the in laws id be ducked right off, but 4 hours to spend the weekend with my mates I'd be driving along with my music on having the time of my life. Sorry but some drives are just so worth it, others not so much.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2018 08:52

Fucked not ducked! Grin

Bugsylugs · 01/01/2018 08:53

Thread crackers we aren't comparing a 6 hr journey and a 7 hr we are comparing a 10 hr journey with a 7 hr. Nowhere did it say there were no breaks with either journey. I would be interested to see how much the second journey gets split with friend if going in DH car.
As an aside if 9 yr old in front I hope the airbag is turned off no way would I travel with a kid in the front especially that distance.

ilovetvandchocolates · 01/01/2018 08:56

Learn to drive that's my advice, share the journey next year and then you'll think back to this post and cringe!

Costacoffeeplease · 01/01/2018 08:56

Yabvu- as a pp said, would you have preferred to leave yesterday and cut your family stay short?

He’s driving, it’s up to him how he does it - and letting your 9 year old dictate where you sit? Shock

Only1scoop · 01/01/2018 08:56

Yabu

You don't drive so I think you should be extremely grateful he ferried you all up to your family and back when You couldn't even share the driving with him.

Summerisdone · 01/01/2018 08:58

YANBU
Ok as a driver maybe you were a little unreasonable to expect him to drive the whole 7 hrs in one day, but personally I think a stop for 60-90 minutes and have a meal should have been enough.

The fact though, that suddenly he is able to complete almost as long a journey in one go because he has plans is why he is now unreasonable. What he’s saying is that when it suits him then it’s all good, but you can’t have an opinion as you’re not driving? Hmm

I do think your only option here though OP is to learn to drive if that’s a possibility, this way he loses his argument that you can’t have a say and also you’re not completely reliant on him so don’t have to go with what he wants in similar future situations

Andrewofgg · 01/01/2018 09:00

It's the driver's call and it depends on the weather and the length of daylight and the route. You were wrong.

InspMorse · 01/01/2018 09:01

I can drive 5.5 to 6 hrs with a short break but recently did the same journey (heavy traffic) in 7 to 7.5.
The extra hour was horrible.
YABU.
He's the one putting in all the effort to drive. Concentrating on the road NON STOP for such a long time is really draining. You have no idea if you've never done it so it's up to him how much he wants to/ feels able to do.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 01/01/2018 09:05

Learn to drive, or figure out a way to travel by bus/train/plane

For me, certain driving is more tiring than other. Driving when the light is very bright/sunny tires me more, driving north or around London tires me more...if my DH (who does not drive,) told me how to organise my driving I would not be impressed....

Also, our kids always sit in the back, whilst DH and I chat or listen to music, much nicer surely?

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 09:05

Thanks again. Shall shush up and research dyspraxic driving lessons and automatic cars.

It is so annoying though. The journey down was whinged and moaned about and treated like an ordeal in planning and execution. Whereas we're almost half way already today and he's all smiles and saying that he's feeling great and just going to keep on driving for a bit because he doesn't need a break yet.

Ho hum

9 year is fine . Air bag is off and has appropriate car seat. Much rather he was happy in front than throwing up in back.

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 01/01/2018 09:06

Our in laws live 7 hours away and we leave our house at 9am, have a stop for petrol and some food and get there just fine about 5pm, it’s not that big a deal? We don’t share the driving as my DH likes to drive (though we would if he wanted us to). 8 or 9 hours I’d agree with a hotel stop (and will when we drive across France this summer). A hotel overnight for 7 hours sounds like avoiding your family to me ...

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/01/2018 09:06

You are sitting in the back because your nine year old "demands" the front, Jesus wept

fairgame84 · 01/01/2018 09:06

This very much depends on the driver. I'm happy to do 7 hours in one day but need a half hour break every couple of hours when my arse starts going numb. I wouldn't need an overnight stay to break it up.
My parents on the other hand would need an overnight stay.
My brother would do 6 hours in one go.

Whoever is driving gets to make the decision as they are responsible for making sure you all get there in one piece.

Scottishgirl85 · 01/01/2018 09:06

We have family in Scotland and live in south east England. We regularly drive to visit and wouldn't dream of wasting a day (or money on hotel) by splitting the journey. To be fair I drive, my husband does two stretches and I do the middle section. But on times when I've been ill or heavily pregnant he's done the whole drive no problem. We stop twice for food and toilet, and have a toddler.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 01/01/2018 09:09

Hoochy, my kids are travel sick and for long journeys Stugeron (only this brand) has been a life saver (also avoiding anything sweet, no juice etc. Just savoury snacks and water, lots of breadsticks and crackers)

I drive automatic, really recommend it

glow1984 · 01/01/2018 09:09

Haven’t read the whole thread but

Yes, YABU

DP and I are in the same situation, as in he drives, but I do not. He therefore makes all the driving related decisions, including how long he wants to drive without a proper break. Remember, you’re asking someone to concentrate for 7 hours. It’s not just putting your foot down and going.

rookiemere · 01/01/2018 09:09

Why did the hotel stop cost £200 - we always break up journeys at a Premier Inn which are pretty cheap if you book in advance ?

I think your DH is being a bit unreasonable. It sounds like he doesnt particularly like spending time with your family and arranging a meet up so you all have to leave on NYD at 6am seems rather selfish.

A bit more planning needed for next year and maybe a shorter visit .

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2018 09:10

Yabu to take a£200 hotel, when you could do Airbnb for a fraction of that.

InspMorse · 01/01/2018 09:13

Just read your update!
I think his big motivation is the end destination OP.
Driving is a chore and hard work and it's his call but he's willing too make the extra effort for his own gain today!
I can see how this has annoyed you but remember that he has also made an effort to drive you to your family. Even if he didn't do it with the same amount of enthusiasm or full steam!

cuddlymunchkin · 01/01/2018 09:13

You. Don't. Drive.

Try having a bit of gratitude for your partner and keep your complaints to yourself.

Honestly!