Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

[hooochycoo]

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

I'm impressed by all those who could drive 7 hours without a problem- I find over about 4/5 hours I really flag badly, even with stops. I have driven over 6 hours because the road conditions have been bad, but it's unpleasant and tiring. I have noticed I also am not as alert in complex driving (going into a town I don't know) at the end of a drive, it's fine if it's all motorway, but once you start having to go round roundabouts and park when you are tired, I really feel quite compromised.

My husband drives an automatic as he found it hard to pass in a manual later in life, no problems for him- that might be an option for you.

YABVU, he took time off work likely to drive you to see your family and you're whining about him? I'd be letting you go on your own and train next time.

The drive to the DH's friends' party is a red herring, as his friend is doing most of the driving. It's not the same. Anyway, the OP's DH gets to make the decision, as he's the driver. That's how it is.

My DH does most of the long distance driving, even though I do drive. And yes, he does decide when we need to stay somewhere overnight, though he talks it over with me. (But only if we have an early ferry crossing. I can't imagine him choosing to spend £200 in order to save one hour of driving. That does seem excessive.)

I can't believe you let your 9 year old choose to sit in the front, either. We have 2 DDs aged 8 and 5, and they sit in the back, end of story.

You need to leave the driving preferences up to the driver I'd say. Within reason that is. So in this case YABU. However, not sure why he is going to a two day party.

I’m surprised at the number of people who would never consider driving 7 hours in a day. If you live in th North that basically means an overnight stop to get to Cornwall. We do North Yorkshire to South West France in 2 days. Usually with a couple of proper meal stops and one or two wee/coffee stops a day. It’s fine.

YABU

If he says he doesn't want to do 7 hours then it would be unreasonable and very dangerous to try and force him.

why is an overnight stop a day less of holiday? make the most of it, make it fun

Also learn to drive or go by coach or train.

While you don't drive and someone else has to do all the driving on their own, you don't get a say in how they do it.

You also shouldn't:

Express an opinion on other road user's ability to drive when you can't fucking drive yourself

Tell other people in the car to be quiet because 'this bit is a bit stressful / busy' it's not stressful for you because you're doing fuck all and the only thing thats stressing me out is you panicking unnecessarily

Interfere with the general workings of the car, unless asked to because I have no idea what you're going to do next

Make arrangements which involve someone else driving anywhere without discussing it with them first because frankly it's out of order

Tell the driver how to drive. Ever.

I'm sure there are more, but just in case DH is reading, I thought I'd get this off my chest.

As you were, everyone else....

“What do you think they do in countries like the US or Australia where it’s normal to drive across a state in a day? People are so precious about driving in this country.”

Kitsharrington driving on our congested roads is nothing like driving in Australia or the US. OH and I shared an 8 hour drive though Mississippi one year and arrived at our destination as fresh as a daisy. There were stretches of freeway where you couldn’t see a car anywhere. IMO the only time this happens on the M1 is at 2 am on new year’s day.

This is our normal, especially on new year’s day so I find your comment entirely unreasonable

Sounds like a selfish twat tbh...is ok to prioritize his social calendar but throw a hissy fit abut visiting your family lol

How long were you with your parents?

daily hope you feel calmer now!

@Lonicera

I'd rather drive on busier roads than long clear roads, too easy to lose concentration / get bored / get sleepy.

Each to their own, I'd find an overnight break in the middle of a 7 hour journey a frustrating waste of time but horses for courses.

In the world of travel lodge and premier inn. If booked early an over night we should be much less than 200. Unless you want to stop in London or another desirable location.

We do North Yorkshire to South West France in 2 days

just out of interest, have you ever looked up the accident statistics for these long journeys?

Pretty high accident rate, much higher per mile than shorter journeys.

If you feel ok to do it, then fine, but never attempt to impose this on some one else, and never leave without a back up plan if the driver decides its too much

9 hours is the legal maximum for a qualified professional driver, including three breaks

Snowball - it was cathartic!

For such a long journey did you look into going by train?

It is so annoying though. The journey down was whinged and moaned about and treated like an ordeal in planning and execution. Whereas we're almost half way already today and he's all smiles and saying that he's feeling great and just going to keep on driving for a bit because he doesn't need a break yet.

This is what you're narked about, not the hotel stay/driving time, isn't it?

Well, presumably he only gets a certain amount of annual leave, and he's had to use it visiting people he's not that keen on, out of his home, with no chance to relax? I can see why he's gleeful about whizzing homewards to meet up with friends.

When we marry, we're in love with that person, not their whole family. I think you should cut him some slack (unless it was he that insisted on the visit/stay!)

I wouldn't want to spend several days with my husband's extended family either, tbh, and the having to drive 6 or 7 hours each way would out the tin lid on it for me!

Is there a reason you couldn't use public transport?

YABU 7 hours is too long to drive in one day.

Horseshit. We used to drive for 13 hours for our Xmas holidays (admittedly shared between 2). In Sept I drove a group of us to Paris - a journey of 9 hours as the only driver. My break was 45 mins on the eurotunnel.

we only break up journeys if we’re traveling more than 4 hours at the end of a full working week.

Its not horseshit for the OPs husband, he has clearly spelled out what he wanted to do, you don't try and force a driver to do more than they wanted to, ever. Plain stupid. Different drivers cope with different journeys at different times.

Also , many drivers over estimate the distance they can drive, hence the accident statistics on these long journeys.

Everyone is different and ability changes with age and conditions. I can't drive as far in a day now as I could before having viral meningitis. Only your dh knows how far he can drive safely in one day. As a pp said it will also be different having had a week off work. The first four hours I can do quite easily with just a short break. The next stint would need a longer break, so I could do 2hrs, break, 2hrs, lunch but then could probably only manage an hour before needing another long break, then might manage another hour. If I start later in the day then I can't go as far. Dh and I share driving so that extends my range. If I sleep in the car for half an hour I can go further. I probably would be like your dh. 6hrs is manageable, 7hrs just too far. It doesn't matter what any of us think, it is safer for everyone if we all know our individual driving limits.

We have several times driven from South Wales to the Isle of Skye. The first time we did it we had one overnight stop and OH did all the driving on the second day as we borrowed his FIL’s (bigger) car and I wasn’t familiar with driving it. It was too much driving in a day. Subsequent times we’ve done it with two overnight stops.

I think 7 hours in a day is too far if the driving is not shared.

I'd be pissed off too op. There's no real difference in that hour. Methinks he's doing the overnight stop as an passive aggressive thing aimed at you and your family.

Yabvvu in my opinion. He is the drivier. It is his a/l . It is your family. It is his friends. We regularly drive across Europe to visit friends. Both of us are drivers and the total we can do in one day is about 8 hours. It is the safety factor, driving on right side,not familiar roads ,especially if there is a diversion etc etc. His mate will be driving when they go to his friends and then he can properly relax.

My dyspraxic DD (coordination, slow processing, spatial awareness, concentration issues) learned in an automatic.

She did lots of short sessions, building up very slowly. DH taught her himself (with only 4 proper paid lessons) in a car with dual controls (from later research I think you can buy kits to add passenger breaks to standard cars).
She needed to be taught explicitly how to do things like follow the kerb of the road but passed first time 9 months after starting to learn.

You'll need to find the right instructor, but go for it.

I think different people have different tolerances for driving long distances. Also level of tiredness makes a difference. Your dh has had some time off and is probably more rrsted to do the 6 hour drive in one go. I dont blame him for not looking forward to a 7 hour drive to see your family but being mire motivated to go in the ither direction and see friends.

I wont drive more than 2 hours can do 4 at a push to see a really good friend. Cant imagine doing 7. Dh loves driving, thinks nothing of commuting 2 hours most days, will drive huge distances no bother. We break journeys south at family in the midlands so wouldnt even attempt 6-7 hour drives.

You really need to learn to drive.