Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

[hooochycoo]

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

Drivers are the ones putting in the effort, it is a bit rich to call them the selfish ones when all the passenger has to do is sit on their arse, then whinge the journey wasn't entirely to their liking. I am not convinced the OP wants to learn to drive - she seems to be enjoying the put upon martyr role too much to actually get her finger out and make an effort herself.

I agree with Luminaries.

I think I'd agree with TheLuminaries too, if that was what that OP had been questioning. But it wasn't.

Why is it wrong to say

"I'm going to have to drive seven hours twice in 7/10/whatever days. Twice in one week is more tiring than once, especially as in between we are going to be away from home with relatives. Going up there I want to stop overnight, I don't want to do it in one go, it is tiring and a slog and there is no reason why we can't stay overnight and make it easier for me. Coming back I want to do it in one go because there is something else I'd like to do that day so I'm willing to do it in one day that time even though it is harder and it will wear me out more."

??

Well it's not wrong at all buttface the problem here is that the driver is a MAN and the passenger is a WOMAN, so of course he is the unreasonable one. It's not like he has tied the family to the roof rack, or made them take public transport etc. He, as the driver, has decided that whilst he'd be prepared to do a 6 hour trip in one go with reasonable breaks in order to accommodate something he'd like to do. He'd rather break the longer 7 hour drive with an overnight stop. An extra hour driving is a significant extra drive. Also OP could be rounding up/down by a little so it could be a bit more of difference (or indeed a bit less).

Even if it is a longer one on the way home I think the driver should get the last word on how they want to do it (and for that matter be able to change their mind mid-journey).

I get that part of the problem is not the driving, but that OP feels that her feelings don't matter and that is something to work on, but let's face it, there are different ways to skin a cat and if you go in with the opinion that the driver and non-driver have equal say then it will show in your body language and how you say things.

OP, if you had said started with something like "I know you are the one doing all the driving and that is a lot of work, but this is how I feel, can we find a compromise" there may have been a different conversation than if OP had started with "I don't want to...."

I don't know how the conversation did start, but I'm just saying if I had to do all the driving for two seven hour trips with children and a week with my ILs (however nice they are it is not like being at home), I would probably would not be terribly open to a passenger wanting to decide how it was done. I would be open to a passenger wanting to let me know how they feel if it were clear they weren't telling me how to get the job done.

I think the driver dictates. I am the sole family driver. Our favourite holiday destination takes 5-6 hours to get to - that includes a break but doesnt allow for traffic jams. I usually spend the first day of the holiday/first day back home with my feet up.

If I thought a journey would take 7 hours - and maybe longer with delays - then I would want an overnight stop too.

I am sure there are people who regularly drive for that long and get used to it but I wouldnt like it.

But he is BU to go straight out again!!

My family is eleven hours away (not including traffic / roadworks/ pit stops etc) and I drive the distance regularly. Sometimes I leave very early and arrive late evening, sometimes I stop overnight, sometimes I drive like crazy and then run out of willpower 60miles from the destination.
A lot depends on the day, road conditions, my mood, the direction of the drive etc etc.
Ultimately it is the driver who decides how to drive. Anything else is asking for trouble.

Well it's not wrong at all buttface the problem here is that the driver is a MAN and the passenger is a WOMAN, so of course he is the unreasonable one.

Oh don't talk drivel. There would be nothing wrong with the discussion Buttface proposed, except it didn't happen. It was a set of instructions which the OP had to follow like it or not - no compromise option, she doesn't drive so she gets no say at all in the arrangements.

Presumably you also think that the driver has ownership of the family money and gets to spend that without discussion - as he did here? And that if he wants to drive a long time without much of a break for his jollies the OP has to entertain the kids for that time and manage?

We ours were all young we often tossed a coin for driving duties on these types of journeys - the winner got to drive, it was the loser who did everything else, just like the OP does here. Even then we would each consider the kids' needs and the parent doing all the child entertaining.

They rushed home so he can go off on holiday whilst she does all the post holiday clear up and she is supposed to be silently grateful.

There are many other issues with the OPs relationship which have been touched on already. However, in the arena on how long the driver wants to drive, then no, she doesn't have an equal say because she isn't driving. It also doesn't matter whether Susan or Bob up the road are happy to drive for 9 hours straight, what matters here is what the person driving wants to do. Too many accidents are caused by tired or distracted drivers. It has to be the drivers call in the end. That's not to say that the non driver isn't allowed to express a view, but if the view is that he should not take an overnight break and do it all in one day and he doesn't want to do that then yes, it is his call and what he says over-rules the non driver. I would think that the opposite view i.e. wanting him to take an overnight break when he wants to drive through is actually more weighted in the view of the non driver.

Whether he should go off on a boys holiday straight when he gets back is a separate issue and is nothing to do with whether the OP can drive or not.

butt my only issue with your proposal is the fact that it’s basically saying
‘I’m very happy to make the effort to drive 7.5+ hours when I have a reward at the end - time with my friend but not when it comes down to going to see family’
It also says
‘ I’m actually not willing to take into account the effect that decision will have on the other people in the car, aka you my dw and the dcs. I’m the driver therefore I decide, regardless of the effect it has on you and the family’
Because let’s be honest there. £200 for one night in a hotel with a spa that you wont be able to use is a bonkers use of the family money!!

Presumably you also think that the driver has ownership of the family money and gets to spend that without discussion - as he did here? And that if he wants to drive a long time without much of a break for his jollies the OP has to entertain the kids for that time and manage?

and I've no idea what magic hat you plucked this from.

Maybe that was the only place he could get booked? Maybe he should just have done what OP wanted and risked having an accident on the motorway instead?

I apologise if it has already been discussed, but the other factor I would take into account is that the drive up could have been right at the beginning of the driver's holiday, and the drive back after a good few days' break.

I am a teacher. If asked to drive a long way on the day after term ends, for safety I would HAVE to break it into two shorter journeys with a significant break, preferably a night's sleep, in between. Otherwise, I would risk at best having lapses of concentration, at worse falling asleep at the wheel. However, after some days of holiday, I would be fine to do a much longer continuous drive in reasonable safety.

The trouble with that is that it clearly wasn't a spur-of-the-moment decision, based on how OP's husband felt that day, to leave late and break the journey with a hotel break

But the trouble with that concept, is that you can't leave it to chance that you're going to feel OK. If you're halfway through a long tedious journey and you're just too knackered to finish it off safely,
the last thing you need is to be googling around for a suitable place to spend the night especially with children on board. Planning ahead is the most sensible option.

We 'always' book ahead on a journey as long as 7 hours, having been caught out before. My dd was going to drive the 6 hours from our home to her grandparents. I insisted we book a halfway Travelodge.
She insisted it was unnecessary, but as things happened she was extremely pleased that I'd taken that precaution. After 2 hours intense motorway driving she was totally done in and developed her first ever migraine. I had to take over, as I can drive, but I find motorways nowadays very wearing and would not have been happy to do the remaining 4 hours without a substantial break.
Maybe these circumstances are different to the OPs, but the fact remains that he was doing the hard work and it's perfectly reasonable for him to want to stay on the safe side, and to want to break up the journey overnight.
On the way back, he had a deadline to meet so he wanted to leave early to make the best of the light, and the lighter early traffic and get a few traffic free miles under his belt. That's also very reasonable.
He could have been even more of a controlling bastard and requested that they leave the night before so that he could have an overnight stop on the way back as well. But OP may not have been having any of that. There are two sides to every story. Some previous posters have implied that anyone who can see this dh's point of view must have had a 'job done on them' by their own partners.
This is simply not true for most reasonable people. My dh drives me to my relatives 300 miles away. I could drive myself but I just don't want to. He's much better at it than me and he really doesn't mind doing it. However, he doesn't relish staying with my rellies for an entire week so we have a stopover on the way there and on the way back. It's my choice. I haven't had a 'job done on me'. If I don't like it I can drive myself or get the train.
Also, I think it speaks volumes that the dh booked a £200 spa hotel with a swimming pool that his wife and children enjoyed. Maybe he thought it would be a nice Christmas treat?
I just do a £35 Travelodge or Premier Inn.

In precis, I cannot see what the dh has done terribly wrong. And to hold this view does not mean that I have had a job done on me by my dh. I can see his pov that an entire week with my family is more than enough for him despite going out to the pub with my brothers and having a wonderful time (which he does, for 3/4 days, then it wears thin and he wants to get back to normality) I could not entertain a whole fecking week with 'his' family, so I sort of empathise.

This man has done nothing wrong. This is just basic and normal occasional marital disharmony. I don't want to spend an entire week with his family any more than he wants to spend a whole week with mine. We say what's on our minds and we sort it. Neither of us has had a job done on us. If my dh is amenable enough to drive me a 600 mile round trip to see my family, when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself (but I don't really want to) then I think it perfectly fair that he calls the shots.

Had this dh felt unwell or tired on the way back, that would be the time to start googling for available hotels, and I bet he would have stopped off had it been necessary. But he had a deadline.
Personally, with that sort of deadline, I'd have planned to leave the night before and have a stopover. Maybe he thought that might cause too much trouble and strife. OP would have been given him grief about it. Who knows?

I am firmly on the dh's side here.

He supported his children spending time with their maternal family after the OP had spent time with them at his family
Yebbut that was only a couple of days.

tbf though he is spending his holidays with her family, that doesn't scream selfish to me, maybe he doesn't want to spend such a longtime there? Is that not fair enough?

I hear you Trinity. I think it's more than fair. And I'm the one who gets driven around. I think the crux of this is that the dh might have wanted to cut short the rellie thing, and have some quality time with his family in a spa hotel with a swimming pool on the way there.

What a fucking selfish bastard he must be. Eh?

He supported his children spending time with their maternal family after the OP had spent time with them at his family

Yebbut. . . . they were with his family for a very short time. He had to stay with in-law family for a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

And that he is behaving like a selfish arsehole. Let’s not forget that

A whole week with my in-laws? That would put me out of character.
3/4/5 days I can tolerate. After that I'll be a selfish arsehole. So shoot me.

I haven't read the full thread because tbh the way it read to me was:
Poor old me
Mean oh DH
Passive aggressive comments
Acts the martyrs
Drip, drip, drip feed
A bit more martyr.

The OP said her DH was resisting buying an automatic car, because he doesn't like them. An automatic would make it easier for her to learn to drive

That does sound controlling to me, or at least selfish

That's not fair. I can't get used to driving an automatic. My dd has a motability automatic car, for the ease it gives to her main carers who are apparently all well versed in using automatic cars. Maybe because they are of international origin. But I can't get used to it. If I take her out I have to use my own car.
As the only driver in the family, I think he gets to decide what type of car he drives. Also, if she qualifies in an automatic, she is not licensed to drive a car with gears? I think that's right.

Forking out for a family car is a huge expenditure. As this particular dh is the only driver, it makes sense that he chooses what he drives. She may never pass a driving test. Why should he have to drive hundreds of miles everywhere in a car that he doesn't want and isn't comfortable with, on the off chance that she might eventually pass a test that enables her to drive an automatic car that she likely won't drive anyway, given her reluctance to drive anywhere.

I think this poor old husband is being fed to the wolves.
Poor bugger thought he was right but couldn't do right for doing wrong.

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Cantuccit Tue 02-Jan-18 12:17:07

Wow, it's really weird reading loads of strangers having the argument I started this thread to avoid!

Well I hope it's opened your eyes.

Well Pam, it's definitely interesting to see that neither mine or DH's points of view are outrageous and there are people who can understand or emphasise with both.

It certainly helps me to think my way around the issue and that's exactly what I wanted in starting the thread.

I think AIBU is good for that. Usually disagreements between myself and DH are like this, ( i.e. neither of us being completely reasonable or unreasonable, just holding different views) as neither of us are complete dicks.

Thanks for your input. I enjoyed reading your post.

OP, despite the fact that I mainly sided with your DH in terms of it ultimately being his call on how far he is prepared to drive, unless he was making the opposite choice and wanting to drive further than you felt was safe, I think you have had a hard time from some posters as I don't think you were out of line either tbh. I think we are all allowed a moan from time to time, and your mood probably wasn't helped by the early start and him being so chipper! :)

I love my DH but could cheerfully stab him sometimes for the most mundane things (his loud puffy breathing he does when exercising for a start!).