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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 11:55

Trinity

I don't know what that evil MiL comment is about

Oh sorry that wasn't directed at you - I was alluding to the MN trope that MiLs by definition are evil.

Trinity66 · 02/01/2018 11:56

Oh sorry that wasn't directed at you - I was alluding to the MN trope that MiLs by definition are evil.

No worries Grin

Lizzie48 · 02/01/2018 12:01

What really bothers me, thinking it through, is that the DH doesn't appear to want the OP to drive. It's actually very controlling. He wants to be in control of the decisions and this is the way he achieves that.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 02/01/2018 12:01

Trinity66

Exactly.

Tbh, I’m not quite sure how (or why...) anyone would genuinely disagree with point 2 and actually even point 3 either.
But my DH agrees with me, which is in regards to this probably what truly matters for any couple. (Mutual respect, honesty and compatibility. Which is imo actually the problem the OP and her DH seem to be having).

*They’re both entitled to an you opinion. Oops Blush

I really dislike typing on an iPad...

PuppyMonkey · 02/01/2018 12:03

I see this thread had probably been done, dusted and jumped several sharks, but FWIW I think it's a totally unnecessary expense to have an overnight stay for a 7 hour drive. I'd want a break of a couple of hours during the journey and a chance to walk around and have something to eat. But I'd still keep going if I was the driver.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 02/01/2018 12:05

What really bothers me, thinking it through, is that the DH doesn't appear to want the OP to drive. It's actually very controlling. He wants to be in control of the decisions and this is the way he achieves that.

Yup. And the idea that she’s not allowed to have an opinion (according to him)...not just about the drive but apparently also their family finances.
And that her DH is imo clearly not honest about the true issue / what’s behind his decisions.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2018 12:12

"Lizzie48 Tue 02-Jan-18 12:01:01
What really bothers me, thinking it through, is that the DH doesn't appear to want the OP to drive. It's actually very controlling. He wants to be in control of the decisions and this is the way he achieves that."

No, I don't agree with that. The OP has responded to a post I made about a dyspraxic etc. friend who is convinced she would be unsafe to drive as her dyspraxia and associated anxiety would increase the chances of her making mistakes, and Hoochy said that her DH agreed with this thinking.

A lot depends on how dyspraxic Hoochy is, and how it affects her. But if she is prone to anxiety (and she has said that she hates driving) then it is likely to increase her chances of making mistakes, which, when driving a large, heavy metal thing could be lethal.

Lizzie48 · 02/01/2018 12:16

The OP said her DH was resisting buying an automatic car, because he doesn't like them. An automatic would make it easier for her to learn to drive.

That does sound controlling to me, or at least selfish.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 12:17

But thumb, OP says she will learn to drive. So she thinks it is possible. As per my earlier post, her H is resentful of her not being able to drive but also discourages her from learning. If he thinks OP shouldn't drive as it's not safe, then he shouldn't show resentment to her.

Trinity66 · 02/01/2018 12:26

*FreddieClaryHorshieLion

Tbh, I’m not quite sure how (or why...) anyone would genuinely disagree with point 2 and actually even point 3 either.*

I don't disagree with points 2 or 3 but I think if they had nailed point 1 they would be less of an issue!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2018 12:26

Lizzie - that I agree with. If Hoochy was able to drive an automatic then her DH should agree to switch to one - but I can understand his reluctance to do so in case she never does learn to drive/pass her test.

I think that Hoochy is saying she will learn to drive to stop all her DH's nonsense about her having no say - I don't at all think she wants to do it for herself!

And I entirely agree that he shouldn't show resentment at all, especially if he believes, as Hoochy says he does (and she herself also believes) that it wouldn't be a very safe option. It would be like getting frustrated with a partner who has epilepsy and can't drive because of it - pointless! But some people just do get like that anyway - it's a stupid reaction because it's not the other person's fault, but the frustrated one can't seem to get their head round that.

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/01/2018 12:27

It also depends on which type of roads. Country roads keep more interest and it's easier to keep focus. Motorways are in some ways driving but are also quite boring so it's harder to keep concentration. Agree that it also depends on time of day and light and traffic. Some people would be happy to drive 7 hours with a couple of breaks, others wouldn't. An hour is also a fair bit of difference.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 02/01/2018 12:27

Ah, yes. 100% agree, trin.

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/01/2018 12:31

Plus, the driver can't win here. If he suggested leaving a day earlier and staying in a hotel in the way back then that would get a similar reaction to the wasting a day of the trip on the way down.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 12:48

It also depends on which type of roads

Yes but I doubt the roads were rebuilt over Christmas before the return journey.

Plus, the driver can't win here
That is exactly what the driver has done. Made a unilateral decision to built a hotel night into the trip up (incidentally choosing an expensive night without discussion) and made a unilateral decision to do a very long drive with minimal breaks on the way back. In both cases any questioning by the OP results in the sulks and insistence that she has no say.

he is an arse.

Andrewofgg · 02/01/2018 13:04

I see the point Bertrand but advance planning is of the essence if you might want a hotel room at the Festive Season. He made an educated guess at what the journey would be like.

TheLuminaries · 02/01/2018 13:12

I don't get how the DH is selfish, when he is doing the driving, but the OP sitting in the back being driven is somehow not selfish - does not compute.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 13:20

The point Andrew is that he didn't see the need to make a hotel booking for the return journey, which is longer than the outbound journey. Both journeys were during the festive period of Xmas/NY.

scaryteacher · 02/01/2018 13:27

Given the already rising costs of the Premier Inns at Dover when I booked to come back to Brussels after picking Mum and ds up for Christmas, I can believe that he was thinking ahead.

I would also have factored in the day on which I was driving. Anything on the weekend before Christmas would have been manic unless you left at 0400, and the same returning for New Year. Perhaps the dh doesn't like night driving, (I find it hard); or had checked weather reports and knew it might be unpleasant. Having seen too many accidents and near misses in Belgium, better to arrive safely than not at all.

I refused to pick ds up on the day term ended as it would have meant the M25 at rush hour in the dark, as his seminar finished at 1700, and by the time we had repacked the car for his stuff, and had a mug of tea, it would have been about 1800 before we left. Instead, I drove up on the Saturday to get him, which meant daylight nearly all the way to Dover.

Drivers know their own limits and what they are comfortable with. In this case, I don't think the dh was being unreasonable in stopping overnight, and being an hour closer to home for the return makes it easier. My last bit of the journey to my Mum is across Dartmoor, with ponies, sheep, deer etc - unpleasant in driving rain and wind, horrid in snow and ice, and even on a good day, tiring with twisty narrow roads, coming at the end of 6-6.5 hours of driving. For me, that is the part where I have to take extra care because I am tired; there are additional hazards (and arseholes who think 40mph is advisory and overtake on a bend where you can't see oncoming traffic), and is the bit I enjoy the least. The OPs dh may have had to contend with a bit like that and preferred to do it in daylight. He made a judgement call; the OP doesn't like it, but they got there and back safely, so what is the problem?

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 13:27

He's psychic, I tell you. And a saint.

TheLuminaries · 02/01/2018 13:30

Not a saint - just a driver. If the OP thinks she could do it better, then the solution is entirely in her control. If you want to decide how the drive should be arranged, learn how to drive it so you can have an informed and helpful input into the arrangements - no one likes a back seat whinger who is an expert on what you should do, whilst unable to actually do it themselves.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 13:33

Yes but I doubt the roads were rebuilt over Christmas before the return journey.

Grin C8H1

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/01/2018 13:34

Yes but I doubt the roads were rebuilt over Christmas before the return journey

As the route is an hour shorter then we don't know that it's the same roads Hmm

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 14:03

As the route is an hour shorter then we don't know that it's the same roads

The journey back without the long breaks was longer than the journey before Xmas. The core journey was the same trip plus additional time for DH to go of on his own mini holiday. Neither journey was started after a day's work. Both were started, operated and completed at times chosen by the DH without discussion or consideration of the OP or DCs.

If the OP thinks she could do it better, then the solution is entirely in her control

Actually it isn't as reading the OP's posts will show.

Drivers are not gods. They should consider their passengers's needs as well. Driving does not entitle them to plan the family's time on holiday and family expenditure without discussion.

scaryteacher · 02/01/2018 16:52

Drivers are not gods. They should consider their passengers's needs as well. Mmmm. Try my Mum as a passenger and then tell me that one. It's rude to have the radio on when you have a passenger she now tells me after a decade of driving her to and from the continent, so we had a journey in silence before Christmas, as I didn't want to listen to her when I was trying to concentrate on the road, but I could have coped with some Classic FM.