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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 10:58

I may get flamed for this, but I suspect there are a few men on here pushing the 'he is the driver hence makes the rules' view.

StripySocksAndDocs · 02/01/2018 11:02

C8H10N4O2 don't think it's a man woman thing (though if it'd be a MIL driving the general response might have been different!).

I think lots of people think they are God when they drive. The control goes to their head maybe? Add to that the general disgust and anger of many on here directed at people who cant drive.

Unfortunately because the OP can't drive she has no say because her husband has control of the situation. He can be as unreasonable as he likes.

scaryteacher · 02/01/2018 11:04

Bertrand I can do up to 6/6.5 hours at a stretch, but any more, and I am unsafe. I do 2.5/3 hours from just outside Brussels to Dunkirk, so Belgian motorways for the most part which are fucking dangerous, and by the time I get to Dover, I either use one of the Premier Inns there or do another 45 minutes to the one at Maidstone. That is my limit. (Having once done Brussels to just outside London, then back to Dover in one day to drop ds off for uni, I was dead on my feet). I then drive to the Devon/Cornwall border the next day, with one or two stops, for a mug of tea. It's better for me to have that overnight stop, a good breakfast, and then I'm fine for the day ahead.

We take Mum back after Christmas and ds back to uni this coming weekend. Dh will be driving, and we will do Brussels, the ferry, Dover to uni, stop for an hour to do ds's shop, then down to the Devon/Cornwall borders, then back up to a hotel in Wiltshire for the night on the Saturday, then back to Dover, over and back to Brussels on Sunday. I couldn't physically do that on my own. I will offer to drive, but Dh's car is an automatic and I prefer a manual. The last time I drove his car in November 13 it died on me big style.

MrsMozart · 02/01/2018 11:10

I regularly do a 7-8 hour drive. I would be much much happier if it were a 5-6 hour one! I find I have a cut-off point where I've just had enough. All this depite the fact that I like driving, have a decent motorway car, and the route is easy roads (all dual carriageways or motorways).

I also want to start the journey earliest possible so not driving in the datk when tired.

I'd be okay with doing the drive, then sitting in a car whilst someone else drove for some hours.

So in my view and experience OP YBVU.

Andrewofgg · 02/01/2018 11:14

Guilty to being male, and guilty also to deciding how far I think it safe and for me to drive in any particular case: depending on the roads, the weather, the length of daylight, how tired I already am.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 11:16

“Guilty to being male, and guilty also to deciding how far I think it safe and for me to drive in any particular case: depending on the roads, the weather, the length of daylight, how tired I already am.”

Are you also psychic?

Trinity66 · 02/01/2018 11:16

Unfortunately because the OP can't drive she has no say because her husband has control of the situation. He can be as unreasonable as he likes

How is wanting to break up a long journey being unreasonable though? I know the issue is that he is doing a long journey on the way back to get to a party but that seems like it's because there isn't time to have a break then plus there's someone sharing part of the driving.

Andrewofgg · 02/01/2018 11:19

Psychic? No but I can wiggle my ears. I really don't know why you ask. I suppose if I knew I would be psychic . . going round in ever-diminishing circles here, like the snake eating its own tail!

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 02/01/2018 11:23

scary

But personal limits are clearly not the issue in this case.

Seeing as DH’s personal limit (when we consider the way back) clearly isn’t 6 hours....

He simply decided 4 weeks in advance that his personal limit would be below 7 hours on that particular day, that he’d want to stay in a rather expensive hotel and that his wife (who he has told to not get a licence!) should shut up because she isn’t allowed to have an opinion. About how they spend their family holiday and their money...

And he also decided that they’d leave early on the 1rst, shortening their stay at his inlaws yet again, that the drive today (the longer drive!!) wouldn’t be an issue at all and thereby imo clearly prioritising his time with his ‘mates’. Or it might simply be about disrespecting his wife’s wishes / being an inconsiderate dictator.

I’m surprised by the responses on this thread, to be honest.
And actually rather troubled. Which is why I felt the need to discuss this thread with my DH... Blush

StripySocksAndDocs · 02/01/2018 11:24

But the reasonableness in question isn't how long he should drive for. The OP has declared her husband unreasonable because he won't drive 7 hours without a break.

It's whether it's unreasonable to declare it impossible to drive 7 hours (without an overnight stay) and then declare it's possible to drive 7.5 hours with just 2 thirty minute breaks.

It's not the op's expectation of being driven around like 'a queen'. But his illogical justification of why they had to spend £200 on a hotel, but need fewer breaks for a longer journey.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 11:26

“Psychic? No but I can wiggle my ears. I really don't know why you ask.“

Because the driver in question made his plans in advance- not in response to immediate conditions.

Trinity66 · 02/01/2018 11:26

FreddieClaryHorshieLion

tbf though he is spending his holidays with her family, that doesn't scream selfish to me, maybe he doesn't want to spend such a longtime there? Is that not fair enough?

grannytomine · 02/01/2018 11:26

I think several issues are getting mixed up.

  1. I think the driver should have the final say on when they stop driving for safety reasons. If the driver says he needs a break I don't think that should be disputed.
  2. That doesn't mean they are God and make all the decisions e.g. driver might want to do the drive with no stops but perfectly reasonable for passenger to say they need to eat, baby needs changing, children need a run around.
  3. You should either agree on hotel or one partner agrees to let the other make the booking.
  4. Visiting family shouldn't be used to beat someone.
Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 11:26

Psychic? No but I can wiggle my ears. I really don't know why you ask. I suppose if I knew I would be psychic . . going round in ever-diminishing circles here, like the snake eating its own tail!

Andrew, Bertrand's point is that the H booked the hotel 4 weeks in advance. It wasn't a case of how tired he was on the day, or what the weather was like.

Coupled with the H's resentment of OP not being able to drive whilst discouraging her from learning, it's not difficult to see that the H is quite controlling.

AlmostChristmas · 02/01/2018 11:29

Sorry but YAdefinitelyBU.

The drive with his friend is shared- so 2hrs ish each.

Driving 6/7hours with only a 1/2hr break isn't safe and isn't fair on your DH.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 11:32

tbf though he is spending his holidays with her family

He supported his children spending time with their maternal family after the OP had spent time with them at his family. OP has also stated he likes her family and goes out drinking with his BiL. OP's parents are dead so he doesn't have to endure the inevitably evil MiL.

Lets not portray him as some sort of hero for doing what most parents regard as normal seasonal visiting with children.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 11:33

Driving 6/7hours with only a 1/2hr break isn't safe and isn't fair on your DH

It was the DH's choice (and insistence). The OP did not want this.

Trinity66 · 02/01/2018 11:38

C8H10N4O2

I don't think my post was portraying anyone as a hero, come on. I'm just trying to see both sides and I do see both sides, I still don't see why it's such an issue. And I also see how staying as a guest with relatives (even your own direct family) can wear thin sometimes when you're not used to spending so much time together

on a side note my DHs mother is dead but she sounds like she was a lovely person like his sister is, I would love to have a MiL, I don't know what that evil MiL comment is about

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 02/01/2018 11:38

Trinity66

No. At least not in this case.

  1. I’d expect him to be honest about this and not use such a silly excuse / be such a hypocrite.
  1. It’s not just her family. It’s also his children’s family. And seeing as they life rather far away... they probably don’t see each other too often.
  1. The OP still has the right to have an opinion about how they spend their holiday and their money. (Yes, just like he does. They’re both entitled to an you opinion. And her opinion matters just as much as his)

(I’d tell DH to suck it up. We spend a lot of time with his family -they’re much closer than mine - and DH knows how important my family is to me / how close we are. Which I told him at the start of our relationship/ as soon as it was getting a bit more ‘serious’.
But that’s the situation in our family and might not apply to the OP’s.)

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 02/01/2018 11:39

Driving 6/7hours with only a 1/2hr break isn't safe and isn't fair on your DH.

He still did it on the way back...

Trinity66 · 02/01/2018 11:41

FreddieClaryHorshieLion

Regarding your first point, I totally agree with that actually, I think it's important to be honest with eachother about this stuff (and everything)

Sevendown · 02/01/2018 11:42

Why on earth have you switched the airbag off??? It should only be switched off if a baby/child is in a rear facing car seat. If a child must sit in the front, they should be in their usual booster seat (preferably high backed) with the seat pushed as far back as possible

This^^

X10

3luckystars · 02/01/2018 11:45

If I had to drive 7 hours to spend Christmas with another family, I might need an overnight break first.

If I was driving 7 hours to do something lovely, I would not need an overnight break.

This whole argument is nothing to do with times driving or breaks.
It’s to do with WHERE HE WANTS TO BE.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 11:48

“This whole argument is nothing to do with times driving or breaks.
It’s to do with WHERE HE WANTS TO BE“

And that he is behaving like a selfish arsehole. Let’s not forget that.

BashStreetKid · 02/01/2018 11:48

AlmostChristmas, it's been established that the drive on the way back totalled 7.5 hours even on the basis that he was sharing the second leg of the journey with his friend. OP never suggested he drive 7 hours with only a half hour break.