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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 01/01/2018 23:38

“Freddie Only a driver can be the judge of how long it is safe or wise for that driver to be at the wheel on a particular day for a particular journey and nobody else’s opinion on that point matters.”

Presumably on the way back he was coasting downhill so hi only needed a 30 minute break?As opposed to the uphill slog on the way there which was so arduous that it needed two days? Hmm

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 01/01/2018 23:39

Andrew
He made that decision 4 weeks in advance and booked an expensive hotel but was perfectly fine with driving 7.5 hours today...

And saying that the OP’s DH is the one that gets to make the final decision isn’t the same as saying that the OP doesn’t have the right to voice her opinion.

Especially because her DH told her that she shouldn’t get a license.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 01/01/2018 23:42

How could he have known how he’d feel on that particular day? 4 weeks in advance?

And even if that was reasonable... he decided to make his wife and children get up early today (maybe they would have liked to spend and additional time with their family) because of his social calendar.

But his wife isn’t even allowed to have an opinion. Suuure...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2018 01:35

Good points from Freddie.

Hoochy - are you also dyslexic? Or dyscalculic? As these can be co-morbidities with dyspraxia and would heavily compound the difficulties with driving. I have a friend who has all 3, and she has steadfastlly refused to learn to drive (in Australia, too) because she feels she'd be more of a danger behind the wheel than anything else. Her anxiety levels rise hugely too which makes her MORE likely to make mistakes.
Anyone who thinks it's a good idea to push someone like that to drive a ton of metal around needs to think a bit harder about that, tbh.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 02/01/2018 07:06

Yeah that's always been my thinking and my DH's too thumbwitch. but I'm just going to have to learn because I'm sick of this sort of thing. No I'm not dyslexic and dyscalcic too thankfully.

OP posts:
Rainbowsandflowers78 · 02/01/2018 07:09

‘Fed up with this sort of thimg’

He’s just ferried you to see your family and back - how would you have got there without him?!

Housewife2010 · 02/01/2018 07:18

Could you have caught the train?

Original poster
hooochycoo · 02/01/2018 07:20

We'd have got the train. Which would have been possible as we do that at other times of year. But it is more expensive and we wouldn't have been able to take food and presents to share or bring presents back, visit his family and mine and change locations half way, so it made sense to drive.

Jeez, I hate this "ferried me to my family nonsense". We're grown up married adults with kids , with a big extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins. He's not just some bloke doing me a favour.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 07:32

Much of this thread is completely inexplicable to me.

The idea that because the OP does not drive, she has absolutely no say in her family:s achristmas travel plans is just odd. And the idea that it is perfectly reasonable for the driver to insist on a night’s break in. 7 hour drive but be happy with 30 minutes in a 6 hour one is simply stupid. I can only assume it’s being put forward by non drivers whose driving partner has done a number on them.

And as for being grateful for “being ferried to her parents”- Er, excuse me? They are a family going to a family Christmas. Not a friend giving another friend a lift to the airport!

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2018 08:14

Hear hear Bertrand

OP I see you’re going for some marriage guidance after Xmas. Do bring this incident up and his “sulking” when you dare to ask a perfectly reasonable question of him.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 02/01/2018 08:17

Yes you are married but doesn’t mean that he then is obliged to drive you everywhere - it does make you seem a bit dependent

Maybe suggest getting the train next time - he may welcome the pressure being taken off him.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 08:19

“he may welcome the pressure being taken off him“

Oh, ffs.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/01/2018 08:23

My bet is that DH won't like being without the freedom of his car. He'd find it harder to avoid the OPs family (also his children's family) and piss of early to meet his Mates (leaving the OP to care for his children as he does).

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 02/01/2018 08:28

A lot of people really like getting their own way on this thread. Just because you're the driver doesn't mean you get to wholesale decide the journeys for the entire family, like a total dick.

And I was the sole driver for years. Didn't use it to hold my family hostage to my viewpoint, no questions, no arguments, just do what I say.

rookiemere · 02/01/2018 08:30

Actually thinking about it OP , forget the driving lessons. You clearly dont want to do it and driving is a costly business - much cheaper just to have a once a year hotel cost. Many, many people survive without driving - presumably for your local needs you are able to use public transport and/or taxis.

It is really not a huge ask for your DH to drive down to your family for Christmas. In any case he now has a 2 day solo party to recover from the sheer stressfulness of it all.

As I said above I think you both saw the journey in different ways and you were keener to reach the destination whilst he wanted the trip in itself to be part of the holiday.

Good luck with the counselling.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 08:44

Even if the OP learns to drive he’ll find a reason why she shouldn’t.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 02/01/2018 08:46

I do manage perfectly well without driving all the time. I walk, cycle and use public transport for school run, going to work, shopping etc day to day stuff. Sometimes the car is helpful, for instance going to see his parents who live rurally or going on a camping holiday. Or moving big stuff about.

But I think I need to pass my test as resentment isn't a good thing in a marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
hooochycoo · 02/01/2018 08:49

Rookiemere, yes I think you are right.

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
kmc1111 · 02/01/2018 08:57

I can and do drive far more than 7 hours without issue.

However, 7 hours in the car with children, going to meet in-laws for the holidays...that's a whole different type of stress on top of the stress of driving. I'd definitely want the break in that situation.

IMO it's a totally different thing to do a big drive then meet up with a friend. You can totally relax with a friend, whereas most people have to be 'on' to a certain extent with family over the holidays, even if said family is great. Driving long distances is draining, and if you aren't totally thrilled about your destination it feels so much worse.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 09:28

Start at 7. Stop at 9 for breakfast. Start again at 10. Stop at 12 for lunch. Start at 2. Stop at 3.30 for a pee and a leg stretch. Arrive 5.00.

Poor soul, what a struggle that would be.And the stress of driving his own family to a family Christmas. The man is a positive saint.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 02/01/2018 09:40

That's the way we usuAlly do the regular 6 hour journeys Bertrand. And the way I thought a 7 hour would be. Suits me and the kids best as it's manageable chunks of being in the car time.

but he did each journey differently, to suit himself , and the majority agree that's his volition.

Anyway, I might stop responding now as the threads been very helpful and there's not much reason to carry it on.

Thanks all

OP posts:
BashStreetKid · 02/01/2018 10:23

And the idea that it is perfectly reasonable for the driver to insist on a night’s break in 7 hour drive but be happy with 30 minutes in a 6 hour one is simply stupid. I can only assume it’s being put forward by non drivers whose driving partner has done a number on them

This!

Only a driver can be the judge of how long it is safe or wise for that driver to be at the wheel on a particular day for a particular journey and nobody else’s opinion on that point matters.

The trouble with that is that it clearly wasn't a spur-of-the-moment decision, based on how OP's husband felt that day, to leave late and break the journey with a hotel break. It's the nature of long journeys that you plan them in advance without knowing how you'll feel on the particular day: you basically assume that you will feel relatively normal, and plan things like starting times and meal breaks around that. I simply don't believe that anyone who drives (and who is honest) would tell you that there is realistically any difference between a six and seven hour journey, provided that you have enough breaks during the journey.

As I said upthread, I did regular drives to and from DD's university that could amount to 9 hours a day - obviously taking a lot of breaks. I only broke the journey overnight at a hotel once, when I had a stinking cold, and to be honest I regretted it because it just meant I had a night sleeping badly in a strange bed and feeling sorry for myself.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2018 10:39

the majority agree that's his volition

Crikey I can't believe this thread is still going - I'm with Bert.

  • Being driver doesn't make him God.
  • Taking his children to visit their maternal family after spending time (including Xmas day) with their paternal family is not a favour. Its what parents do.
  • 200 quid on a hotel out of family budget should have been discussed and a mutual decision
  • Passengers, especially children, also have needs which he is ignoring
  • He gets the sulks if you challenge him on it
  • If he resents you don't drive, resents the money spent on lessons, tells you you can't drive, tells you that you won't be safe if you do then wtf does he want?

I'm amazed at the number of people who think being driver makes him God. Wondering if that response would hold if the driver was the woman.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2018 10:42

It's the bizarre Mumsnet approach to giving lifts writ large.

TractorTedTed · 02/01/2018 10:54

I'm totally with bertrand here too.
7 hours is a long journey, but perfectly possible spread over a day with breaks.
6 hours is hardly any different I can't believe how many people think this is OK. He can do a long journey with hardly any breaks when it suits him (half an hour is not enough), but can't do the same journey with longer breaks when he doesn't want to.