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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel left out because I'm not on social media?

301 replies

PaxUniversalis · 31/12/2017 12:03

I don't use social media. I'm not on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc.

I feel increasingly left out by friends and family and I think the reason for this is that I have refused to be on social media. 99% of my friends and family - young and old - are on social media and they keep in touch mainly via Facebook.

I'm probably old fashioned but my ways of communicating with people are: face to face, text messaging, email, telephone. In my 'old fashioned' mindset I believe that people have the tools to keep in touch with me: they have my landline number, my mobile number, my email address and my postal address. We all managed to keep in touch with friends and family before social media existed (I'm nearly 50 - just to put things into perspective).

None of my old friends ever get in touch with me spontaneously anymore, except to communicate important messages, like a death or a wedding or such like. I do try and keep in touch with them by sending emails. They do reply to my emails - actually 1 person is very good, she replies very quickly - but the majority of people only reply when it suits them - sometimes this is weeks later! Or they don't reply at all anymore. However, they all seem to be very active on FB and they send FB messages back and forth instantly to others (I know this because a friend of mine showed me the messages on her FB account).
So why do they keep in touch with others on FB but not with me via email? Perhaps I'm not that important to them?

One friend even announced that she was going to get married on FB. I only found out by accident a week or two before the wedding because I happened to be talking to a mutual friend who is on FB. Not good.

I'm talking about old friends here. Most of them know that I'm not on social media yet they never send me an email to say 'hello, how are you' from time to time. I'm always the one sending emails to them. Yes, they do reply - eventually - but It seems to be a one-way street here as I'm always the one doing the instigating.
Very frustrating as a lot of friends and family live hundreds of miles away (in the town where I grew up) so I don't see them a lot during the year.

I still prefer face to face or voice to voice (phone) contact with people if I'm honest. I know I could join social groups if I wanted face to face interaction but I'm a bit disappointed in my family and friends.
AIBU?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 31/12/2017 12:06

Fb messaging is just like text messaging. If you can't beat them, join them!

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2017 12:06

Well either you prefer the old fashioned ways and accept your friends don't, or you change things

TrojansAreSmegheads · 31/12/2017 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

somewhereovertherain · 31/12/2017 12:09

That’s life and where it’s going

Wouldn’t class what’s app as social media it’s just a different text message system.

The various social media platforms are really good, free and easy way of keeping intouch. And a really easy way of talking to a group of people to plan things.

It’s one of those you can either join or lump it. It’s not going to go back to the old ways and if you’re feeling left out it’ll be the only way to feel part of it. Sorry.

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2017 12:09

Exactly what I was trying to say

GladAllOver · 31/12/2017 12:12

Strange. I've never felt the need to be on FB and have no problem keeping up with friends.
Email and texting serve me very nicely.

BirdInTheRoom · 31/12/2017 12:12

Social media makes communication so much easier. With FB & WhatsApp you can set up groups where you all chat and make plans together. It’s much quicker & easier than contacting people individually. Your friends probably just forget that you’re not on it.

I think you should probably get FB messenger & WhatsApp at least if you want to be kept in the loop.

I have a friend like you & she does get left out sometimes but it’s purely admin related.

BewareOfDragons · 31/12/2017 12:12

Times have changed. The way people communicate has changed. If you want to stay in touch more, you'll have to change the way you communicate, too.

You sound much older than your years, tbh, someone who is stubbornly set in their ways and blames everyone else for their failure to accommodate you. And I'm probably a few years older than you.

chipsandpeas · 31/12/2017 12:12

thing is its much easier to start a group chat on facebook or whatsapp than text individual people
i rarely call people these days unless its an emergency, everything is done over text or face to face after organising a meet up/night out over text or fb

Readermumof3 · 31/12/2017 12:13

If you can't beat them, join them Xmas Hmm....or at least realise that this is how it is these days.

I'm almost 50 too, and I have FB, Twitter, instagram, what's app, Snapchat...partly to keep up with my dcs and partly to keep in touch with friends and family worldwide. How much these accounts are used vary (FB daily but twitter rarely) but I find them invaluable in lots of ways.

HuskyMcClusky · 31/12/2017 12:15

The only one I’m on is Instagram, and even then I post nothing and follow a few pages (photographers etc) that I like. I don’t use it to communicate with friends.

I don’t care. I was on FB but I’m happier off social media.

clueless2010 · 31/12/2017 12:16

Social media is false so I don't think you're missing out on much. So many people have hundreds of 'old' friends on facebook...but they aren't really friends. How many do you actually meet up with and see in real life?

I recently defriended a lot of my old friends because they are just acquaintances and I felt like if I'm never gonna see this person again I can do without the information overload about their lives that I'm subjected to on facebook.

Your real friends, i.e. current ones or really good ones from the past who you still see will make sure that they keep in touch with you, meet up with you and let you know about important things happening in your life. As for the others...I'd just forget about them! It's not personal..it's just that they've turned into acquaintances rather than friends.

kokosnuss · 31/12/2017 12:17

I think people definitely rely on Facebook to get important news out now. I eloped and whilst we directly messaged our immediate family and a few close friends who knew what we were going to do, otherwise we just posted it on Facebook and hoped that would get the word out. I only know that a lot of my old school/uni friends are married/have kids etc because of Facebook.

I think since Facebook came about, the 'close friend' circle, i.e. the people you actually talk to directly, has become smaller. And around that there's a 'Facebook friend' circle where you don't actually talk, but know what's going on in each other's lives nonetheless, and that's fine.

It is weird but it just seems to be how it is now.

Original poster
PaxUniversalis · 31/12/2017 12:18

Sorry to drip feed but I thought I should let you know why I choose not to be on social media:

  1. A lot of my job is internet-based so I'm already staring at computer screens most of my work day. I also work from home as a freelancer - which can feel a bit lonely sometimes if I'm honest - so I really do crave face to face interaction with people and the last thing I want to do is spend more time online in my free time.

  2. I don't want to get addicted to social media as some people are. I know people who put their whole life on FB! They're on FB every minute of their spare time.

  3. If people live near me, or within a reasonable distance, then I prefer to see them face to face. It's nice to meet up with friends and have a good natter in person.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 31/12/2017 12:18

Even my mum in her 70s uses messenger as an easy way to keep in contact with everyone. Much easier for group chats too

HuskyMcClusky · 31/12/2017 12:20

Your real friends, i.e. current ones or really good ones from the past who you still see will make sure that they keep in touch with you, meet up with you and let you know about important things happening in your life.

This has been exactly my experience since quitting FB nearly a year ago.

dementedpixie · 31/12/2017 12:20

You can use messenger/ WhatsApp without being on fb all the time. They are messenger services not social media as such

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 31/12/2017 12:21

Well it is your choice

If I did not have whatsapp, I'd find it much harder to keep in touch now

The world always changes, and everyone has a point where they decide not to keep up any longer, but that is a choice

Friendsmentalhealth · 31/12/2017 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 31/12/2017 12:22

Nobody has to put their whole life on FB

JustDanceAddict · 31/12/2017 12:25

Not all my friends use SM because they are either too busy or cba. I communicate either by text or email with them depending on who it is. WhatsApp/Messenger are great for organising group meet ups or having group chats so you may be missing out this way. I’m a similar age to you too. I don’t even think of WhatsApp being SM as it’s just a free messaging service to me!

Original poster
PaxUniversalis · 31/12/2017 12:26

@BewareOfDragons

You sound much older than your years, tbh, someone who is stubbornly set in their ways

Probably. Perhaps it is because of my aversion to technology in a way. I've always been the last one to get acquainted with modern gadgets. I got a laptop when all of my friends already had them. I don't change mobile phones until my current one falls apart.
I don't want my life to be completely ruled by technology.
I value face to face people skills.

OP posts:
Trashboat · 31/12/2017 12:27

It's your prerogative, but you can't then moan, or take it personally, when you miss information.

I'm not on fb and I do miss stuff sometimes, but I'm not really arsed as that is the choice I made. The pro's far outweigh the cons for me.

I am on whatsapp though on several group chats and I have found that is all I need.

Although, I do follow people on instagram even though I don't post.

Trashboat · 31/12/2017 12:29

And I think the age thing is a red herring.

I know my mum (in her 70s) and most of her friends are on Facebook and whatsapp at the least.

Fishface77 · 31/12/2017 12:30

It's your own fault.
Keep up or miss out. You've chosen to miss out. People choose a life of convenience and that includes social media.
I rarely reply to emails as they get lost in the spam/junk emails I get.

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