AIBU to feel left out because I'm not on social media?

[PaxUniversalis]

I don't use social media. I'm not on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc.

I feel increasingly left out by friends and family and I think the reason for this is that I have refused to be on social media. 99% of my friends and family - young and old - are on social media and they keep in touch mainly via Facebook.

I'm probably old fashioned but my ways of communicating with people are: face to face, text messaging, email, telephone. In my 'old fashioned' mindset I believe that people have the tools to keep in touch with me: they have my landline number, my mobile number, my email address and my postal address. We all managed to keep in touch with friends and family before social media existed (I'm nearly 50 - just to put things into perspective).

None of my old friends ever get in touch with me spontaneously anymore, except to communicate important messages, like a death or a wedding or such like. I do try and keep in touch with them by sending emails. They do reply to my emails - actually 1 person is very good, she replies very quickly - but the majority of people only reply when it suits them - sometimes this is weeks later! Or they don't reply at all anymore. However, they all seem to be very active on FB and they send FB messages back and forth instantly to others (I know this because a friend of mine showed me the messages on her FB account).
So why do they keep in touch with others on FB but not with me via email? Perhaps I'm not that important to them?

One friend even announced that she was going to get married on FB. I only found out by accident a week or two before the wedding because I happened to be talking to a mutual friend who is on FB. Not good.

I'm talking about old friends here. Most of them know that I'm not on social media yet they never send me an email to say 'hello, how are you' from time to time. I'm always the one sending emails to them. Yes, they do reply - eventually - but It seems to be a one-way street here as I'm always the one doing the instigating.
Very frustrating as a lot of friends and family live hundreds of miles away (in the town where I grew up) so I don't see them a lot during the year.

I still prefer face to face or voice to voice (phone) contact with people if I'm honest. I know I could join social groups if I wanted face to face interaction but I'm a bit disappointed in my family and friends.
AIBU?

Whatsapp groups are more user friendly, intuitive and interactive than group texts. They just are.

You can have Facebook messenger without a Facebook profile.

Curry Everything else? Does it make the tea or do the ironing? I can't see what it brings. Why should anything be taken on trust? Look at some of the less pleasant aspects of social media; the bullying, the pages supporting anorexia, the suicide sites, the grooming.....it isn't all rainbows, glitter and unicorns is it? The internet itself is a recent thing, let alone FB etc. When I was growing up we used phone boxes as mobiles hadn't been invented. It's no wonder that some would prefer to watch for a bit before deciding (or not) to join in.

Sothatdidntwork yes it's true people don't look at emails as often. The WhatsApp group is easier and quicker for arrangements and discussion.

I think it’s a fairly safe bet that if books were required to explain what SM does that other media can’t, it would not have succeeded as it has.
The answer, I suspect, is that Facebook et al feed a need some people have for public display. Not having that need myself, why should I bother?

OP a couple of other things
sorry if you know this already

I don't upgrade my phone at all if I can avoid it, so I can't run several of these things on my old phone as it has hardly any storage. someone running Facebook etc might decide the same

also they won't want several sets of messages to check so they pick one source

also I think you said you had unlimited texts - some people will be on PAYG and use Whatsapp etc when they've got internet connection

they could still email you but that goes back to how many message portals do they want to check etc

my friends divide into Facebook or Twitter so we do still use email though. but the dynamic changes a bit because I can tell a lot of people something in one go on Twitter, or we all know what we thought of a TV show or if we had a good NYE etc so when we meet, the conversation has probably been affected by that.

Wee beasties If you don't post anything at all, then you don't need social media. QED.

Curryworst I don't think anything online is truly private, or can't be accessed by someone who knows what they are doing, hence I don't do FB, Twitter etc.

Email has changed. Much of what I exchanged socially by email 18 or so years ago, brief personal messages and news, funny memes transferred over to social media quite quickly and it was easier to manage for it.

Now my email is mainly related to organisational things, school letters, online transactions, and so much junk. When I look at email, I'm not in a social headspace because it's become mundane corporate communication.

Beltane18 that's a good point about conversations about tv programmes. Some of my friends and I often discuss these on fb so when we see the friend who doesn't use it we have to have the discussion again. Not the end of the world though.

KarlosKK it had been said a few times already, but many many people, myself included, have accounts but don't post anything. It's not an essential prerequisite of having an account.

I have no desire for public display, but I want to make the most of communication between my family and friends.

@scaryteacher I'm actually on Facebook, following a little as it were (literally) terrorist attack in my little hometown I noticed (a) the phone lines became quickly too clogged so only texting worked, and (b) the newspaper sites crumbled under the load of people surfing in to find out "what's happening". It was an unpleasant enough experience, pivoting from a mundane lazy Friday afternoon at the office planning for the weekend to a "how do I leave the area safely"-situation. That later made me (re)set up my Facebook account again; I've added loads of sites ("liked") for newspapers, radio, and similar (and some about my hobbies too) so I can go online and find useful information. I'm not so interested in following the updates of "friends" on these sites, use it mostly for that purpose and some groups that are hobby-oriented like scrap booking and similar.

UrgentScurryfunge

That's the perfect word to describe trying to communicate with someone who is less accessible because they're sticking to 'old fashioned' methods.

Tiresome

Curious for all the social media refuseniks why mumsnet, an Internet forum (the original social networks) are ok?

I do hate though, when you want to tell for instance colleagues about something that's happened to you over the weekend (like a fun excursion) and they cut you short with "yeah, we've already seen it on FB"...

Because Mumsnet is more fun than my Facebook friends.

Curious for all the social media refuseniks why mumsnet, an Internet forum (the original social networks) are ok?

I can answer that in one word - anonymity.

Look at some of the less pleasant aspects of social media; the bullying, the pages supporting anorexia, the suicide sites, the grooming.....it isn't all rainbows, glitter and unicorns is it? The internet itself is a recent thing, let alone FB etc

Sigh. Yet more "I don't use it but here is what is wrong with it" nonsense. The anorexia and suicide sites don't just leap onto your social media, you choose to go looking for them. It's just a medium, it is what YOU make of it.
Recent? The internet is 30 years old, and FB has been around for 13 years. It's not recent!

If you don't use it then stop telling everyone else how it works and what is wrong with it. You sound ridiculous.

I finally broke down and got on FB 2 years ago bc of my kids sports schedules.Coaches communicate mostly through FB and I was relying on others to keep me updated. It's not too bad,I promise. But I stay away from the drama!

Thanks for your feedback everyone.
I totally accept that I'm old fashioned. I guess I'm old fashioned in more than one way not just when it comes to modern technology. DH and I don't own a microwave for example. And no tumble dryer either. We can afford these things, we just choose not to buy them.

But I was wondering if my refusal to join social media comes across as just 'old fashioned' or stand offish to my family and friends. I have never given this much thought. I wonder if they think 'she's not on SM because she's old fashioned and she's rather old for her years' (fine, being old fashioned is not a crime), or 'she doesn't want to be part of us and she is actively keeping to herself' (that would be bad because I DO want to keep in touch).
This has never crossed my mind until now.

I would say they are talking to people, organising things, interacting, and you're simply not there. It's not hard to see why they may think you aren't very interested in them or they might forget about you. You just aren't in the mix where they are talking and maintaining friendships.

OP "But I was wondering if my refusal to join social media comes across as just 'old fashioned' or stand offish to my family and friends."

no, that would be unfair if they were just seeing it that way. I have a sister and a good friend who don't use it. Yes there are times we are out in a group and a joke emerges that all the Twitter people know - but we'd always explain etc. It doesn't stop me keeping in touch with them.

are you sure there's not other reasons for the friendships tailing off? Just people being busy, or as I mentioned, using social media as a sub for a night out in the pub? I have honestly spent an evening chatting to local acquaintances on local media, because, you know, that way we get to stay in our homes and don't have to go to the pub....and can drop in and out of the chat whenever we like.

and sometimes there's nothing funnier than social media chats, because of being able to use gifs etc. I'm often found weeping with laughter at my social media chats. I have really bad SAD and it's a godsend in winter, really cheers me up.

OP I would take the view that you didn't want to be involved, yes.

Curry Sigh right back at you. The bullying does not have to be searched for, it happens on FB, Twitter etc straight to whatever screen you use. The internet for public use is younger than 30 years old. I was doing my degree 30 years ago and it wasn't around then; it was Amstrad word processors and no internet. Having just googled, it was 1991 when Berners-Lee 'launched' it, and even though I am crap at maths, that is less than 30 years.

You sound ridiculous, and you might like to note that it is possible to know how something works and the pitfalls thereof, without using it/doing it yourself.

And yet you don't know, clearly.

29 years if you want to be an irritating pedant.

I find email a tiresome way to stay in contact with friends. As much as I try to unsubscribe to things, my email is full of company mailshots and spam. I sometimes miss personal emails amongst all that. Also, group emails are inconvenient due to people changing their email addresses. Facebook and whatsapp are just easier for those reasons.

Are you quite vocal when someone mentions going on Facebook. If you have made a point of saying 'i will never go on Facebook' or something along those lines, do you think if you went on it you would look like a div?