AIBU to feel left out because I'm not on social media?

[PaxUniversalis]

I don't use social media. I'm not on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc.

I feel increasingly left out by friends and family and I think the reason for this is that I have refused to be on social media. 99% of my friends and family - young and old - are on social media and they keep in touch mainly via Facebook.

I'm probably old fashioned but my ways of communicating with people are: face to face, text messaging, email, telephone. In my 'old fashioned' mindset I believe that people have the tools to keep in touch with me: they have my landline number, my mobile number, my email address and my postal address. We all managed to keep in touch with friends and family before social media existed (I'm nearly 50 - just to put things into perspective).

None of my old friends ever get in touch with me spontaneously anymore, except to communicate important messages, like a death or a wedding or such like. I do try and keep in touch with them by sending emails. They do reply to my emails - actually 1 person is very good, she replies very quickly - but the majority of people only reply when it suits them - sometimes this is weeks later! Or they don't reply at all anymore. However, they all seem to be very active on FB and they send FB messages back and forth instantly to others (I know this because a friend of mine showed me the messages on her FB account).
So why do they keep in touch with others on FB but not with me via email? Perhaps I'm not that important to them?

One friend even announced that she was going to get married on FB. I only found out by accident a week or two before the wedding because I happened to be talking to a mutual friend who is on FB. Not good.

I'm talking about old friends here. Most of them know that I'm not on social media yet they never send me an email to say 'hello, how are you' from time to time. I'm always the one sending emails to them. Yes, they do reply - eventually - but It seems to be a one-way street here as I'm always the one doing the instigating.
Very frustrating as a lot of friends and family live hundreds of miles away (in the town where I grew up) so I don't see them a lot during the year.

I still prefer face to face or voice to voice (phone) contact with people if I'm honest. I know I could join social groups if I wanted face to face interaction but I'm a bit disappointed in my family and friends.
AIBU?

You're probably happier for it, even if you occasionally miss out on hearing some piece of news while it's still fresh.

I'm feeling ok with my life now but I have about 260 'friends' on fb and nobody has requested my company this evening. I'm going to be sitting in on NYE on my own, again! And that's OK, and I feel content and calm but I will try stay off fb until 2nd January because I will be bombarded with pictures of people surrounded by groups of friends who wanted their company and it will make me question why nobody wanted my company. But hey ho.........

I love it! I get to see and share pictures with my cousins in different countries and see what is happening on a daily/weekly basis.

WhatsApp is much easier to message groups, and to be honest if I'm arranging something and there is one person who isn't on any SM and I have to remember to also text/email them there is a big chance that I will forget. But then they moan that they miss out...

If you don't want to miss out, join in!

FB is not really at the forefront now anyway op, good on you for swerving it. It probably might be worth your while though, going by your opening post, looking into WhatsApp. It's not intrusive at all, you don't have to "post" and It'll keep you easily in touch with your nearest and dearest.

Of course it's ok not to be on social media. But you also have to accept that other people are there and are having conversations that you won't know about. It would be nice if they remembered you aren't there, but people just don't think like that.

It isn't entirely an age thing. I also work from home, am not so young, and am all over social media. Not so much FB, TBH. Essentially, I go where my friends go. My 88 yr old DM has recently discovered Facetime BTW. This is like face to face meeting without the travel. She loves it.

YANBU to feel left out. YABU if you expect people to adhere to your communication preferences just for you. Once the telephone became common, saying "I don't like telephones, I'd rather you sent me a telegram or a written letter even though you communicate with everyone else by phone" would have been equally unreasonable.

My dm is a total technophobe. She detests computers and refuses to have a mobile phone. My parents and my PIL both live 4 hours away from us, but MIL is in frequent contact with us and our dc via Whatsapp. DM would love to have more contact with her gc but not enough to put up with a mobile phone, apparently. Her choice.

How is email and text face to face? Why is it 'better' than typing out a message on WhatsApp or something instead?

You can also do voice mails and face-to-face convos via WA.

@CurryWorst

Getting annoyed with people for not emailing you when email is not their chosen method is not ok, unless you think its ok for them to be annoyed at you for not using ANY social media?

I think it is a matter of politeness. If I receive an email from someone then I will email back. If I receive a text message from someone then I will send a text message back. And if they send me a letter or a card then I will send a letter or a card back. I respond in their chosen method of communication. I can't reply to their FB/Twitter/Whatsapp messages obviously because I'm not on FB/Twitter/Whatsapp etc.

I don't think for a moment that friends and family are ANNOYED with me for not being on social media. Not at all (although one or two friends keep nagging me to go on FB). They don't care one way or another.

My fear is that people will forget about me. Not a good feeling when you're middle aged.

It's really annoying when people do this.

Anyone who's not on major social networking sites is going to miss out on some of the smaller stuff in their friends' day-to-day lives, but they should still get a text/email/phone call about major news, and included in meet-ups. Even if they can't be included at the planning stage, they should still get an invitation. That's really not a difficult thing to do.

The way some people ditch their friends for not being on FB is shocking. It means they never cared that much in the first place, though, I guess.

I'm older than the OP and find FB messenger and WhatsApp useful.
My sister is younger than I am, only uses my BIL 's email account, and texts occasionally from a non smart phone.
I couldn't communicate as she does but each to their own I suppose.

I've actually found that being on social media has helped me make more face-to-face contact with friends. I'll look on it and see that someone's interested in going to an event near me, and we'll end up both getting tickets and meeting up there. Or someone will say "dc and I are off to the park this morning, anyone want to join us?" I've had lots of spontaneous meet ups this way.

Also, it's easier to get back in touch with someone if you have some idea what they're up to. You can just join in a chat about something they've posted, which often leads to" it's been ages - let's get together". To me it feels a bit more natural than having to write a long update email.

You don't have to be a slave to it, but it can be a really useful starting point.

I think it is a matter of politeness. If I receive an email from someone then I will email back. If I receive a text message from someone then I will send a text message back. And if they send me a letter or a card then I will send a letter or a card back. I respond in their chosen method of communication. I can't reply to their FB/Twitter/Whatsapp messages obviously because I'm not on FB/Twitter/Whatsap

That is a convenient way to look at it that makes you ok and them wrong! "Oh its polite to reply to people in the method they choose, except I refuse to use the methods they choose at all and therefore they have to be polite to me by accomodating my wishes in a way that I won't do for them".

That's not polite, at all. You don't want to be left out, you fear being forgotten about, but you refuse to do a simple thing that would easily keep you in touch with lots of people. Your choice to do that, but stop blaming everyone else for the lack of contact. You're the one causing it, not them.

It’s possible to feel left out because you ARE on social media, because it can look as though everyone else has a better, more fun rewarding life than you do!

My fear is that people will forget about me. Not a good feeling when you're middle aged

You need to adapt then. Using WhatsApp doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

But we all know that's bollocks

X-post!

My fear is that people will forget about me. Not a good feeling when you're middle aged.
Well do something about it then. Be proactive and make your self visible and stop whinging about it.
Don't make it become a self filling phophecy.
So much angst for a communication tool!

1) A lot of my job is internet-based so I'm already staring at computer screens most of my work day. I also work from home as a freelancer - which can feel a bit lonely sometimes if I'm honest - so I really do crave face to face interaction with people and the last thing I want to do is spend more time online in my free time.
So, you use Messenger/WhatsApp/text to arrange to meet someone

2) I don't want to get addicted to social media as some people are. I know people who put their whole life on FB! They're on FB every minute of their spare time.

I have Facebook and am hardly ever on it. I don’t find it particularly addictive

3) If people live near me, or within a reasonable distance, then I prefer to see them face to face. It's nice to meet up with friends and have a good natter in person.

So do I, but we still use modern methods of communication to arrange meeting up. I don’t like “chatting” on Messenger very much. I prefer face to face interaction or a telephone call.

I don't want my life to be completely ruled by technology.

I use social media, it doesn’t use me. It isn’t difficult. I was late to the social media party. I joined Facebook when DD did 4 years ago. Until then I saw no need for it. Most of my friends and family are now on Facebook and IMO it is a better way of interacting with them. Emails are so formal in comparison. With Messenger and WhatsApp you can see when the recipient has received and read your message. With email you can’t. With Messenger you can tell if someone is online (unless they have changed their settings so you can’t see).
Facebook has different privacy settings. I have mine set to friends only. I have fewer than 100 friends on Facebook – and they are all people who I consider friends, not people I barely know.

A lot of local community stuff is now posted on Facebook as well which I find very useful.

I agree that social media has a lot of negatives, and I genuinely believe that more and more teenagers and younger children suffer from anxiety and depression as a result of how it is used. I am older than you and realised that if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. And it has been very useful to me.

Oh, and we use Skype to keep in touch with my family.

Yes, YABU.

I don't do social media either, but I accept that that makes me the odd one out and I don't expect the rest of the world to go out of their way to accommodate my refusal to move with the times.

Face to face communication is good, no argument there, @PaxUniversalis - but I would disagree that it is the only good form of communication or the only way to build good relationships.

I have friends - true, loving, caring, REAL friends, who I got to know via social media - MN, FB etc. Some I have since met in real life, and others who I have only communicated with via the internet - but I still value those relationships - they contribute hugely to my life, and I hope I contribute to their lives too.

For me, what makes the difference, is that I am as honest on the internet as I am face to face. If you read my words, you will get to know me as well as if you speak to me on the phone or face to face, because I don't obfuscate, conceal or blur reality, whether my reality is good or bad at that point.

I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face - you are missing out on real, valuable relationships. You are doing the 21st century equivalent of saying you won't use the phone, because it is not a proper conversation unless it is face to face, or that you won't use email because only actual letters, handwritten on paper, are proper forms of communication.

Communication, like everything else, evolves and changes, and it is up to us to get the best from the new, alongside maintaining the best from the old. You are doing the latter but not the former, imo.

Your age has nothing to do with this btw.

I hate technology, and I'm always the last of my friends to get with it. The last to get facebook, a smartphone etc. However, I do eventually go with it as I don't want to become so rigid that I'm isolated. So I have a cheap smartphone and a basic facebook profile. You don't have to become addicted, but being overly old-fashioned and rigid can make you look like you're deliberately keeping yourself apart or even sneering at people who use social media in an "I don't do that kind of thing" sort of way. Honestly, I think you'd be happier if you bent a bit.

YABU. No harm in being on WhatsApp or facebook messenger. DH doesn't use Facebook but has set up messenger so he can get the private messages WhatsApp is great, just like texting so I really can't see the difference in those 2 things or texting/emailing.

Yes, you reply however they contact you which is great but you can't then get upset if they can't get hold of you because YOU have decided their way of contact isn't good enough. FB messenger is essentially a text message. So is whatsapp. You don't need to be glued to your screen to use them. You say texts are ok, so just use one of those apps!