AIBU to feel left out because I'm not on social media?

[PaxUniversalis]

I don't use social media. I'm not on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc.

I feel increasingly left out by friends and family and I think the reason for this is that I have refused to be on social media. 99% of my friends and family - young and old - are on social media and they keep in touch mainly via Facebook.

I'm probably old fashioned but my ways of communicating with people are: face to face, text messaging, email, telephone. In my 'old fashioned' mindset I believe that people have the tools to keep in touch with me: they have my landline number, my mobile number, my email address and my postal address. We all managed to keep in touch with friends and family before social media existed (I'm nearly 50 - just to put things into perspective).

None of my old friends ever get in touch with me spontaneously anymore, except to communicate important messages, like a death or a wedding or such like. I do try and keep in touch with them by sending emails. They do reply to my emails - actually 1 person is very good, she replies very quickly - but the majority of people only reply when it suits them - sometimes this is weeks later! Or they don't reply at all anymore. However, they all seem to be very active on FB and they send FB messages back and forth instantly to others (I know this because a friend of mine showed me the messages on her FB account).
So why do they keep in touch with others on FB but not with me via email? Perhaps I'm not that important to them?

One friend even announced that she was going to get married on FB. I only found out by accident a week or two before the wedding because I happened to be talking to a mutual friend who is on FB. Not good.

I'm talking about old friends here. Most of them know that I'm not on social media yet they never send me an email to say 'hello, how are you' from time to time. I'm always the one sending emails to them. Yes, they do reply - eventually - but It seems to be a one-way street here as I'm always the one doing the instigating.
Very frustrating as a lot of friends and family live hundreds of miles away (in the town where I grew up) so I don't see them a lot during the year.

I still prefer face to face or voice to voice (phone) contact with people if I'm honest. I know I could join social groups if I wanted face to face interaction but I'm a bit disappointed in my family and friends.
AIBU?

I really dont understand the relevance of using social media to keep in touch and maintaining face to face skills. Most people who are middle aged have both. I can understand kids may not be quite so good but that's an entirely different issue.

I wouldn't class WhatsApp as social media. It is a direct communication tool. I have a FB account but don't use it except to have the messenger application on my phone so people can contact me directly.

I totally understand your desire not to engage with Twitter, FB, Instagram etc. I don't do any of those either but you are also making yourself harder to contact directly. When people have to put extra effort in to communicate with you, they are less likely to do it unless the message is important.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

As much as I think social media is a bit out of hand and leads to a lot of narcissism and boasting, I have a friend like you and I must admit I get annoyed with her.

She is almost smug when talking about how she doesn't believe in social media and doesn't need it. But then she will send me text messages along the lines of "so and so is due her baby today, has she put anything on Facebook?" really irritating. Just use it and accept its pros and cons or accept you are going to miss information.

Pax I'm exactly the same as you - I often find I'm the last to know about things as they're communicated via Facebook and similar sites. I really don't want to use them, for much the same reasons you don't. For those saying it makes you sound old, I'm seven years younger than you - so I don't think it's an age thing. I take the view that if people don't feel like sending me a quick text message or making a phone call, that's absolutely their prerogative - but by the same token, I'm not too bothered about missing out on the interactions of people who don't have the inclination to personalise them.

I know quite a few teenagers who are social media refuseniks. I don’t use it myself, other than linked in which is purely for professional reasons (and I was reluctant to do that). If you are a very private person, then there will be aspects of SM that don’t sit well with you and it’s a shame that means you end up being cut out of news and events. Those who liken it to cds over cassettes etc miss the point - a cd does what a cassette did, but better. SM does something different to mails and phone calls, it doesn’t perform the same function more effectively.
Dont know that there’s a answer, really, but it depresses me too.

Times are changing and you have to change with them if you want to keep up!

My dm discovered texting about 4 years ago, she spent weeks texting my youngest who had also just got a phone:
'Hi x nanny here what are you doing?'
'Nanny is just going to make a cup of tea'
'Nanny just made a sandwich'
'Nanny is about to start reading her new book'

Mum- you don't have to say 'nanny is' all the time. He knows it's you!

'X I'm about to go to the shop'
'X I bought some cakes when I went shopping'
'X I seen my friend today'

Mum- you don't have to say his name in every text

But we moved on and she got it in the end. On the other hand MIL is on fb, and loves it. She loves knowing things the kids have done, things they've achieved etc, seeing photos of silly stuff. (Only problem is gossip- 'did you see on fb x said that x done this' type of thing- now that is annoying!)

But embrace it! It's the way the world is going. If you can't beat um, join um!!!

YABU because it's your choice not to be on social media (except MN), nobody is forcing you not to be.

I feel for the people who don't have access to the Internet because it's unaffordable because they are genuinely left out but if people choose not to then that's their prerogative.

I have gradually ‘unfriended’ lots of acquaintances over the last year or so on a Facebook but there are still some people on there that I would rather weren’t (just because I don’t really know them that well anymore) but it would be awkward if I deleted them. So I think you’re in an enviable position! You can only choose close friends and family and enjoy seeing what they want to post.

Someone just mentioned teenagers and that reminded me of something I meant to post.
A lot of teenagers ( in my circle through DS friends and the young people and families that I work with) see FB as a thing for older people so you you will be fine OP. a lot of teenagers tend to use SnapChat, intasgram or Mesenger. I don't know if it's a regional thing though.

I have gradually ‘unfriended’ lots of acquaintances over the last year or so on a Facebook but there are still some people on there that I would rather weren’t (just because I don’t really know them that well anymore) but it would be awkward if I deleted them. So I think you’re in an enviable position! Pink just put these people on restricted access.or put them under acquaintance. They will only see what you want them to see, if anything

I often have a cull of people and people have culled me, no big deal, it's just that I may not be part of that social circle anymore or I was added for a particular reason and it doesn't apply anymore.

do you only communicate by telegrams. I prefer traditional smoke signals

SM does something different to mails and phone calls, it doesn’t perform the same function more effectively

Actually it does.

Why do people who refuse to use SM feel qualified to tell those who do how it works and what is wrong with it? You can be very private and still use FB. You can share and chat and be social and still keep complete privacy, if you choose.

you don't know how to use it and you are judging it based on a highly incomplete and misunderstood view.

Times have changed. The way people communicate has changed. If you want to stay in touch more, you'll have to change the way you communicate, too.

You sound much older than your years, tbh, someone who is stubbornly set in their ways and blames everyone else for their failure to accommodate you. And I'm probably a few years older than you.

THIS ^

And it's nonsense that facebook is 'false' as someone said earlier. Yeah some people collect multiple 100s of 'friends' they don't know, but many people have less than 100 on there - consisting of colleagues, ex-neighbours, family, friends, relatives of friends, friends of their adult children etc.

It's a wonderful way to communicate, to see peoples photos, to know what is going on in peoples lives, and to be in the lives of people you don't see often as they live 100's of miles away. In addition, I have reconnected with many people I used to know via facebook and it's wonderful. I have also been invited to a number of things that I would not even have known about.

I also love twitter and post on it every day, and have tweeted quite a few celebrities, (and got some replies back too!)

Social media is brilliant IMO. It's what you make it. People who criticise it obviously aren't using it properly!

"Those who liken it to cds over cassettes etc miss the point - a cd does what a cassette did, but better. SM does something different to mails and phone calls, it doesn’t perform the same function more effectively. "

I disagree with that. You can email via Facebook messenger quickly and easily to groups or just one person. You can also phone for free on Facebook.

PinkAvocado you can unfollow them without unfriending them.

I agree with notacooldad about teenagers not using Facebook much. DD uses Messenger and Snapchat most of the time.

Do you actually phone and visit the ones who live nearby or arrange to meet up with them?

You don't have to be addicted to social media to be on it.

I am an infrequent FB user, and only use it to keep some contact with what my sister and her family are doing. I use the messenger service more often than writing a status .

I have a Twitter account purely because DD3's school issues many of its updates and reminders that way. I have almost never tweeted.

WhatsApp is simply a messaging service which uses mobile numbers. Download the app and you can message anyone who's number is saved in your phone, if they also have it. Much like texting. It was invaluable for keeping in touch when my DD1 was at university.

I have parents who don't have technology beyond a TV and a landline phone. An old brick of a mobile phone which is rarely ever switched on and no computers or tablets whatsoever. They would want to go back to pen and paper for everything if they could. The difference is perhaps that they really don't care if they are left behind or not and are happy in their own little bubble.

You do seem bothered that you are being left behind. So adapt. At least consider WhatsApp, or FB Messenger.

Social media is what you make of it. I am baffled by the anti-FB tirades in a way, because my use of FB is utterly unproblematic. It's not a replacement for seeing people face-to-face, because I mostly use it to keep up with people I simply wouldn't see face-to-face, whether social media existed or not. Old school friends I've happily reconnected with, people who live along way away and abroad. I do communicate on FB with family and closer friends too, but that has zero effect on how often I see them in real life.

Fb messaging,WhatsApp,are mainly used today. My landline has been on silent for years i just hate it ring.

Life evolves. You have to roll with it, or you get left behind. It is your choice.
A lot of people rarely use e-mail anymore (none of my grown up dc do - f I send them something on e-mail, I have to message them in another way to tell them to open their e-mails), so people probably haven't even seen your e-mails.
You are talking like a 90 yr old (although I do have at least 2 x 90yr old + who use FB). Having social media doesn't stop you communicating or meeting up face to face, it facilitates it. It keeps you in touch with those you want to be kept in touch with. As has been said by everyone else, you don't have to use everything there is available, but if you choose to cut yourself off from the 21st Century then you can hardly complain that no-one is going out of their way to send you a separate missive every time they have some news.

I wouldn’t class whatsapp as social media, it’s a different platform for communication. I hardly text any of my family or friends using SMS, I do it all on WhatsApp. It’s great for group chats, my DF and DSis had one about what to get my DM for Xmas.
I use Instagram and Facebook. Instagram mainly has pictures of my animals. My DSis and I use snapchat to send ugly photos of ourselves to each other 🤣

Does it bother any of you guys that all your conversations on Facebook and other such media are stored and owned by the company providing the platforms? Every message and every chat one has ever had? Every "like" and every deleted "like"? I rarely see it discussed. It's like building up a huge dossier on one's life and views, contacts had and pages looked at, never to be erased. When I go on the tube I sometimes peek at other people's screens to see what they're doing, out of curiosity, and if they notice they try to hide the screen from me (a random unknown person) but they're not bothered with their activities being logged and stored and resold by a random company and their data overseen by random unknown employees. I find it a bit peculiar tbh.

By the way, I am much the same age as you. I am 51.

I don't find it easy to keep up with my DDs on technology, but I do adapt eventually when I see something that would be useful to me. Online banking, shopping, home delivery, messaging services. Quite a lot, actually. I can't really recall what I did without it.

I still see people face to face quite often too.

Email is useful for more detailed communication with school and work clients etc.

Some of the most outdoorsy, and older, friends I have make brilliant use of Facebook. They post occasional pictures of their adventures which they wouldn't necessarily have sent out to each individual friend. A lot of large and small businesses use it instead of a mailing list because it's easier for them to update, so it facilitates real life interactions. (You can see that your local cafe is hosting a charity event, message your friend about it on Facebook messenger and then go along!)

WhatsApp is just like texting, and likewise Facebook messenger. It's a bit annoying that there's seemingly always some new thing to sign up to but I think these are here to stay.

There's nothing wrong with how you communicate OP, you aren't exactly in the Stone Age either with your email and mobile phone but unfortunately the world around you has changed. The only social media I do is Facebook, not that I'm on it much, but anyone that sends me a message I get an email notification so I can nip on for that. I also get notifications if someone updates their status or adds a photo, so that's handy too, I've only really got people that are family/friends not just acquaintances, so I don't get inundated with random stuff. I'd bite the bullet if I were you and just join one of these things, that should help a lot.